Box of Unspoken Secrets

[Miyr]

The past month or two has been incredibly stressful in my life. For those who role play with me, you already know about all of this. But in my family, there was a recent death, my Grandmother. For the last week of her life, I was basically living at the recovery center keeping watch over her. It is very painful and stressful to watch someone you love and cherish suffer and die as she did. She had a massive infection that they could not get under control, and it ravaged her body before taking her. The funeral is this coming Friday, and things are still up in the air. There was so much that went on, I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking about it right now, but it basically made me put my whole life on hold. Perhaps after Friday I will open up and discuss what occurred through that whole ordeal.

Role playing here on E was my only escape. . . And because everything was halted, I am now forced to face something I was avoiding before this all took place.

I have severe issues from something that happened to me starting back in October 2008. It was part of a long saga in my life, which was basically open from March 2007 up until the end of January of 2010. I am going to go into what happened to me in an attempt to face what’s going on within myself and maybe get some direction as to where I should go now.

So for about five months now I have been separated from my ex boyfriend (who I’ve loved for about three years) and things have been going okay. We originally split up with the intention of getting back together, but I honestly think that things aren’t going to go down that route like we planned. There are far too many things he needs to do and I just don’t really see them ever happening. Also, I don’t really see him being able to give me what I want and need in a relationship. I was ready to settle down and marry this man, be the mother of his children, everything. . . But him really not going back and fixing the damage he did also did detrimental damage. And I seriously think that I just lost sight of hope that I had been clinging to the whole time I stayed with him trying to fix things.

Because what happened to me is very complex, I will give a very brief summary of what occurred because it was an ordeal that went on for months and was very devastating.

We were not officially dating, however we did care immensely about each other and because it was an online relationship at that point, we couldn’t really go further. However, I did mail him rings for Valentine’s Day that he wore on a daily basis, and told people at his work that we were married (were in RP). I saw on his myspace a comment that didn’t settle right, because I had told him that I thought I was in love with him again (on a Sunday night) and he vanished for days, which eventually turned into a week or more. After I found the comment, I called and texted him until I got in touch with him, and he proceeded to tell me that he was in Texas (was supposed to be in Oklahoma) and was living with the woman he had been fucking since October of ’08 and was going to marry (was currently November ’08), and that he was done with me.

I fought for him so hard, because he eventually told me that he was in love with both of us but didn’t know who to choose. So I fought and gave it my all. Eventually after weeks of torture and his constant “I love you” then “I hate you” the next day abuse, he eventually made up his mind because the other girl tossed him to the side and his mother was saying I was the right one for him.

For Christmas, his mother gave him the money to move up here, and due to a friend having a roommate crisis he was able to move up mid January of ‘09 and we started things. He continued to tell me the story he had about what had occurred, even after sharing my bed. . .  It was probably March ’09 he came out with the whole thing that it was all a lie, that he had fucked the other girl just cuz it was something to do and he was trying to push me away because he knew that he wasn’t any good for me. I wanted to know all the details, for he had broken my heart, and his story proceeded to change over months.

Eventually I got tired of things with him, and the abuse, and so our relationship began to fall apart. In Jan ’10 we ended things, the day after my birthday. He was an absolute dick on my birthday and I decided that I’d had enough of him ruining my life. And so it’s been a few months of being single and here I am. . . Staring at myself in the mirror and constantly second guessing myself.

I consider myself damaged goods and refer to myself as that quite often. What was done to me has had some very severe consequences and I am unable to see myself being with anyone for a serious settle down type of relationship. However I am at the point, or believe that I am, to move on and try being with someone new. Granted, I would want to go very slow and have them know everything in detail of what occurred so they understood why I am the way I am, but it would have to be a very informal/casual relationship. Perhaps an open one. . .

I have trust and insecurity issues, and am incredibly low in the self esteem department and think that if I try something with someone I may be able to move past those feelings by reinforcing my inner healing with positive experiences and people.

I am at the point in my life where I want to try things with different people, and considering that I am attracted to both men and women, I don’t want to miss out on either’s experiences. Right now in my life, I see myself really desiring to be with a man who is masculine, and who will treat me like the woman I am. My ex was very submissive and feminine, and that’s just something I don’t want. If I desire to feel like the man in a relationship, I will try being with a woman. And most of my sexual or kink experiences have been with women, but I’ve never been allowed to perform to satisfy them. I’ve always been in a submissive role and denied the right to touch/please them.

Because I want to experience these things, I’ve thought about having play partners or at least people that I am close too that will at least let me snuggle up against them at night to get some sort of security. I also don’t want to start a relationship with a woman for example then anger her by wanting ot try things with a dominant man, or vice verse. I haven’t had much experience dating women or dominant males and want some. But I also understand that society has molds you are expected to fit into.

In my ideal world, I would have a man and a woman in my life that I would care about (am poly). But the relationships would remain separate. I would date the girl on one end, and the man on the other. They would not interact with each other. I’ve been in a semi-three-way relationship with a married couple and needless to say it was a disaster. I know that not all of them are, but I personally just can’t handle that sort of thing. At least not now. . . But yeah, I know that this is most likely impossible to have, so I’ve never even tried.

I guess I’m just at a point in my life right now where I really want some sort of companionship but have no idea how to go about it. I’ve never been one to say “I like you, please date me” sort of thing. I stand by and watch them from afar, never breathing a word about what I feel. In order for me to be with someone, they usually have to tackle me down and ask. Even with my ex that was mentioned earlier, I finally got comfortable with asking for things, but it was mainly due to the fact I felt he owed me for it because of everything he did. And even when I did ask for things he only performed 5-10% of the time.

There are a few people in my life right now who have expressed an interest in me. I don’t know what to do or if I should pursue anything, because I also am deathly afraid of my freedom being taken away from me and because I know I’m not ready to handle a fully serious relationship. I want to experience things, I want to try, them, I just have no idea how to go about it.

Granted I know that everything should be talked about with the person I end up trying things with, if I go through with that course of action, openly and honestly. I would do this regardless because I totally believe in honesty, but I doubt many would be okay with the idea of me still having my freedom. Perhaps not if they are into the same things I am and role play (ex seemed to have problems with it).

I’m the type of person where I’d rather keep my mouth shut and keep the friendships than risk ruining them. . .I’m very caring and selfless at times. . . I think it’s one of the reasons why people are drawn to me.

I fear that I may be rambling at this point, so I am going to close for now. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I hope that by opening this “box” I sealed up within myself that things will eventually settle and I’ll be able to see with unclouded eyes and know what to do.

~Miyr