Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Rhedyn]

Interesting discussion, courtesy of shjade, about Depression Quest, a choose-your-own-adventure type game created to explore the topic of depression, over in the Bad & Ugly board.

Thanks for sharing that Remiel <3

[The Golden Touch]

Read this when the Darkness eats your Hope...

Good days... They can be few and far between, but they exist. On the days where the blue sky is dotted with fluffy clouds, and the warmth of the sun shines on my upturned face- those are good days. I can appreciate the beauty of the simple things, so all is not lost. You forget that the sound of your favorite melody, or the laughter of racing wildly down the road with others can sooth the agony of being lonely. I've caught myself smiling and laughing for no reason other than the same mirth echoed on a coworker's face.

Out here- where all you can see is the sky meeting the ground, where you can feel utterly alone... There are good days.

I'm trying not to complain about the bad. I'm trying to remember all the good and hang onto it when the shadow of doubt starts to descend. For all the good, there will be dozens more bad. However, I will preserver to see the happiness when I can. I am thankful for the moment, because it gives me hope. When depression threatens to swallow every bit of who you are... You need that hope.

Depression may have a score of millions, but I am fighting back. I don't want to lose myself in it and hurt my family, or those I care for. Some things will be hard, and feel impossible... But reading this someday when I'm feeling at my lowest, and the darkness obscures everything that is important...

I want this to be helpful...

So here's to my hope.

Someday...

It will get better.

[Rhedyn]

Thank you for that The Golden Touch. As difficult as it can be to hold onto hope and see the good in the days that go by it is so important to try.

~leaves hugs and good thoughts for all~

[The Golden Touch]

You're welcome. <3

-hugs for all-

[Night Stalker]

Leaves Hugs and Good thoughts for all.

[Rhedyn]

I think some of the worst days I have are the ones that really blind side me, like yesterday. My mood had been a little south over the late part of the week but it really plummeted into lethargy on Saturday. Nothing seemed to help, I forced myself to do things that I would have otherwise felt were jobs well done but there was just nothing there, no pride or feeling of accomplishment.

I've been drained this week and really all I've wanted is to be wrapped up in my blanket and held. My down feelings are only compacted then by my guilt at how I've not been the best I can be for my children. Despite doing things with them I don't feel like I'm really with them during that time, if that makes sense.

I feel marginally better today, still down but a little more grounded and I really hope it continues to improve over the next few days so I can get back to feeling like myself and not some shell of me. I hate the lack of passion and joy when my depression flares up, my motivation and ambition seem to fly out of the window and I barely recognise myself from what I know I can be on a good day.

[Kurzyk]

A friend linked me to this and I really wanted to share it with you all, I know I could relate to pretty much all of them.

21 comics that capture the frustrations of depression.

This is wonderful. They pretty much sum up how I feel. Thank you for sharing this and for this blog. It's good to know I'm not the only one with these struggles.

[Rhedyn]

You're very welcome Kurzyk.

~offers hugs and leaves more for any visitors who want them~

[Remiel]

I hope you're feeling better, Rhedyn.  If it makes you feel any better, you have accomplished something wonderful by starting this blog.

[Rhedyn]

Thanks Remiel, that really means a lot to me.

[Rhedyn]

[Adammair]

If I may, I'd like to take a moment, first to thank Rhedyn for this blog. I believe it helps others to know they're not alone.

I'd also like to take a moment to ask if anyone else has had the experience of being blamed for something they have no control over. I don't simply mean, like, a nagging, overbearing boss picking on you for not getting something done due to unforeseen circumstances. In my case, I'm referring to being unconscious/sleeping and not being in full control of my actions.

Yes, I snore. I can't do anything about that.

Yes, I have nightmares sometimes, caused by events in my past. During particularly bad ones, I kick and flail my arms in my sleep. I also talk in my sleep, I think.

It hurts me deeply to be blamed for these things when I can not control them.

[/rant]

[Oniya]

I'm putting this out here because I've had several friends whose snoring was the symptom of a life-threatening problem:  Have you checked with a sleep specialist?  There's a difference between 'not being able to do anything' and 'not knowing that you can do something'.

[Adammair]

I haven't, Oniya. Do you know if such things might be covered under an employer's medical coverage?

[Oniya]

I'd check into it.  Your HR department or insurance help-line would be the best first stop (to check on policy), followed by your general practitioner (to see about a consultation).  The 'mechanism' of snoring is the soft tissue in the throat vibrating with respiration.  Severe snoring can mean that your airflow is being partially or even mostly obstructed (not good).  Severe snoring that stops and then starts again (frequently with a gasp or cough) can mean intermittent complete obstruction (really bad).  Obviously, I don't know where yours falls on the scale, other than it disturbs your bed-mate.  Some people are really light sleepers.  Some people aren't disturbed until it sounds like a jack-hammer.

It may be that it's mild enough that there's actually nothing to do, but at least you'll have a doctor backing you up. 

[Rhedyn]

If I may, I'd like to take a moment, first to thank Rhedyn for this blog. I believe it helps others to know they're not alone.

You're very welcome and thank you for stopping by ~offers hugs~

I definitely second what Oniya said about getting the snoring checked out, sleep apnoea can be really dangerous. Of course it may not be that at all, everyone snores from time to time and unfortunately it's something that may just have to be put up with.

I'm sorry to hear you're getting blamed for things you can't control. I've had that before purely with how people have perceived my mood when I've been feeling down. One particularly charming individual used to come to visit me and then tell me it wasn't worth coming because I wasn't in a good enough mood...that I should perk up and get over it when he was around so that he felt better about my depression. I can understand that he didn't really get what it was like for me and was probably very frustrated but yeah, that stung every time it happened.

[Remiel]

Because humor is what makes life worth living.

[Rhedyn]

Awwww <3

[HannibalBarca]

So I just got back from my first appointment with my new psychiatrist for my depression meds, and we were talking about some of my comments on the papers I had to fill out...to make a long story short, I was told I'm most likely not suffering from normal depression, but rapid-cycle bipolar 2 disorder.

So I'm bipolar.  Manic-depression, in the old days.

The funny thing was, as awful as that felt, and as immediately obvious it was, looking back on my life up to my present 45th year...all I could hear in my head was the Jimi Hendrix song.  At least I still have my sense of humor.

Really, this is both a horrible blow to my mind, and in some ways a relief, to know why I've felt this way for so long.  Most of you don't know I'm currently separated from my wife, and have been for over a year, even though we are still seeing each other and our marriage is not done yet.  It seems that much of what I've acted like, what I've felt like, and a lot of what caused problems in our marriage...was the bipolar disorder.

I know all of you understand the feelings; of trying with all of your willpower to do something when you're depressed...but just not being able to...the crushing sense of failure, the belief that you're just not quite...normal, or even human...I've had those feelings.  My particular mania is called hypomania, where it isn't extreme, nor is it like a wild, euphoric high--it's an irritability, a frustration, a desire to be away from others and out of my own skin at the same time.  My psychiatrist told me that there is no way to resist what your brain chemicals make you do--it is your nature, and medication and training in methods of evening out your mood are what help.  It doesn't give me comfort, though, to think of those times my wife asked me why I was shutting her out, or refusing to participate in family activities, or getting upset over things I had no reason to get upset over.  And these were my high, opposite-to-depression times?  I feel like I got handed two bags of shit.

I was also told that normal anti-depressants only worsen bipolar depression for most people.  That explains why the wellbutrin I took at first for my depression pushed me into thoughts of suicide.  At 43, I was sitting in our bathroom on the toilet at 2:30 in the morning, staring at an open bottle of pills in my hand, deciding just how much I hurt, compared to how much I would hurt my loved ones, if I swallowed them all.  I was strong enough to resist it.

I thought I was all sorted out when I started taking my new meds...until now.  I realize not all of my depression symptoms are gone.  God, I don't even know what normal means, still...my whole life I've had depression lurking in the corners, like a shadow that no light could completely chase away.  It's fucked up my relationship with my wife, and left me in a mostly empty house I'm renting from a friend, fifty miles from the town my family is in, and lonely every day and night.

To be honest, I found Elliquiy not long after I first moved out.  I can't express enough how important and good E and all of you have been to me.  Along with getting my new prescriptions back then, E has been the second most important reason I've been able to combat what I'm going through...a source of happiness and friendship the likes of which I've never experienced before, regardless of other friends in my life.  You're all that special to me.  I don't know if that makes me pathetic or wise or wherever in between...I just know I count all of you I've written with as very special people to me.

It's been a rambling post, I know, but I'm glad to get it off of my chest...I haven't talked to anyone else yet about my diagnosis, but I'm going to.  I hope this makes a difference to my wife, too...not as an excuse, but as an explanation for my behavior I tried so hard, and failed, to control those years I was like it.  I've never physically harmed her, but I've said things I regret, that didn't reflect at all my true personality...then again, I suppose being bipolar is my true personality.  Now I just need to keep it under control.  I want my life back...I know I can't have the old one, nor do I want it...I want to forge a new and better life.  Wish me luck, my friends.

[Rhedyn]

Ramble away HannibalBarca, that's what this blog is here for. As much as it's a shock to the system I do think it's a good thing to finally have a diagnosis and therefore a way forward. I have been in the exact same position with the pills and the thought processes behind that lingering decision and I hope it brings you some form of comfort to know that you are not alone in this.

I think you are very brave and strong for sharing and I wish you all the best in moving forward and forging that new life for yourself. You deserve it and all the happiness it has the potential to bring.

[Cassandra LeMay]

Along with getting my new prescriptions back then, E has been the second most important reason I've been able to combat what I'm going through...a source of happiness and friendship the likes of which I've never experienced before, regardless of other friends in my life.  You're all that special to me.  I don't know if that makes me pathetic or wise or wherever in between...

I think what it makes you is human. We all want and need friends, people who make us feel special, welcome, loved, and appreciated. That is perfectly normal, so does it really matter if you find that online or offline? I think it doesn't matter in the slightest; as long as the friendships are real on an emotional level the method of communication is - at best - of secondary concern. 

Good luck and success on your journey into the future.  :-)

[HannibalBarca]

Thank you for your kind and uplifting words, Rhedyn and Cassandra <3

[Rhedyn]

You're very welcome!

[Tigataga]

http://soldmysoulfor.tumblr.com/post/86396296208/more-have-had-to-call-the-crisis-team-been

[Remiel]

http://soldmysoulfor.tumblr.com/post/86396296208/more-have-had-to-call-the-crisis-team-been

I'm very sorry, Tigataga.  My heart goes out to you.  What did the crisis team say?