Blocked in so many ways I'm surprised I can still breathe..

Started by DarkestDreams, July 19, 2006, 02:17:13 AM

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GothicFires

look at the title

Blocked in so many ways i am suprised i can still breathe...

from his introduction i know that DarkDreams is one of those writers with a great gift of words.

for me personally... i go through depression where i am fine on my own. I know in a day or so that it will go away and the world will be right again. If i was going to describe one of those light days I would not use the words 'i am suprised i can still breathe.'

there are times when i pick up the phone and call a friend to come over and babysit to ensure i don't put my head through a wall. That might be a moment that were i would be surprised i can still breathe.

It is also takes a great deal of guts to post a I need help. These is not his beginning of his suffering. A doctor is not the complete anwser just part of one. If i see someone in trouble i am not going to wait until i am sure they are drowing before throwing in the life preserver.
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Swedish Steel

Still, perhaps it is best to take this discussion to a new thread, hmmm? I feel the focus starting to drift from him and his situation to the discussion itself. Encouraging words and suggestions would be appropriate here, and the discussion (wich isn't a bad one) could continue in another thread.
Or I might be wrong...
"Ah, no, not bukkake chef! Secret ingredient always same."

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Eloquent Surreal

Quote from: Swedish Steel on July 19, 2006, 02:35:11 PM
Still, perhaps it is best to take this discussion to a new thread, hmmm? I feel the focus starting to drift from him and his situation to the discussion itself. Encouraging words and suggestions would be appropriate here, and the discussion (wich isn't a bad one) could continue in another thread.
Or I might be wrong...

You know Steel, you are right. Dark, I feel for you sweetie, I really do. Trust me, I was there not long ago. I went to my doctor and as it turns out my problem was mainly hormonal. Of course it was aggravated by many issues I had in my life as well. But after I got the actual physical issue out of the way, I was able to use my friends and other resources to pick up the rest of my life that was bringing me down.  I wish you the best of luck in solving your problem and if you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to PM me.
Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained

DarkestDreams

I did not expect anything like this when I wrote my post. There is too much in this thread for me to give personal attention too, but please know that I deeply appreciate all the advice and offers of support you have given me. I will likely come back to this thread once in a while to just read it and again be moved by your sincerity and understanding.

I have been coping with this problem for a long time now. First, it was merely the writing that stopped flowing. I say merely, but truly if I had the choice between work and writing, I know what I would choose. Writing is a great part of me and not being able to express myself in the way I want to is terrible. This, if I recall correctly, has been close to 3 years now.

But lately (say in the past 2 months), the same happened in work. Programming is both a hobby and work for me, and in neither I have been able to produce anything worthwhile. Stepping away from it is, unfortunately, not an option. Oh, I wish I could simply say 'Guys, I've had enough for now, I will be travelling the world for a few month' or something of equal intent but perhaps less adventurous nature. But there is always the issue of money in the bank.

Have I seen a doctor? Yes. I have seen a psychiatrist, who diagnosed a mild depression. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could offer me to solve it. I don't think it is something that can be solved clinically. I have been going through a lot in the past years (I wont share all that, as it would take me several hours to compile a post that would likely stretch across several screens) and I believe this is what is causing me grief now. That, and several things that happened when I was still studying. I don't think I have had many instances in which I was happy with myself, or had cause to be. And that, too, is part of the problem.

What do I need? I don't know. All I know is that I desperately want to write, want to program, want to get rid of the feeling that I am not contributing. I talked to my managers the other day, and they assured me that I am indeed contributing. But to me it is not enough.

I don't quite know what to say. I have so many little things I could say to explain things, not only to you but through you to myself as well. In my darkest moods, I become so terribly bitter, so violent -though that is the wrong word for it, for I would never hurt an unwilling soul- and I have no way to let that out. Risking to sound banal, sex is a great outlet for me, but I have yet not had the opportunity of letting out that darkest side of me. Likely, I will never have that chance. I love my girlfriend and would never do anything to hurt her. And she would not be able to handle my darkest self.

I know that that sounds banal, and few will agree that it would be a solution. Perhaps it wont be. But letting out all that rage, all that pain, should count for something. I sometimes find myself walking around hoping someone will walk into me, or give me a wrong look, just to give me an excuse to unleash. And that scares me. I am not a violent person.

Anyway, I am rambling and likely making no sense at all. I will close this now by again saying 'thank you' to all of you who offered their advice and support. I don't think 'thank you' is enough, but inviting you over for a drink and dinner is out of the question, I think *grins slightly*. It means an awful lot to me, and if you don't mind I will take you up on your offers.

Goddess bless you and guide your steps,
Erik
Come, and let us dance in dreams of darkness..

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DarkestDreams

Quote from: Purple on July 19, 2006, 11:36:33 AM
[..] Darkness [..]

Mmmm my first thought was one of the Meredith Gentry novels. Would there be a Queen looking for her Darkness?

Can I keep my new nickname?? Can I? Can I? *delighted squeal*
Come, and let us dance in dreams of darkness..

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ShadowsLight

Darlin',   I'm surprised the Anne Bishop books didn't come to mind. . . 

DarkestDreams

*chuckles* That would be because I never got past the third chapter of one of her books and never tried again.
Come, and let us dance in dreams of darkness..

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ShadowsLight

Quote from: DarkestDreams on July 21, 2006, 09:23:47 AM
*chuckles* That would be because I never got past the third chapter of one of her books and never tried again.

Umm... that's not what you told me about the ones I sent you - Saetan and Daemon seemed to make an impression on you.  ;)

DarkestDreams

*smiles self-consciously* I appear to have mistook Anne Bishop with Anne Rice. I was talking about the latter. Indeed, Saetan and Daemon, but mostly Daemon, have left marks of their own..

I will willingly submit to punishment for making this grave a mistake.. *kneels on the floor, bowing his head*
Come, and let us dance in dreams of darkness..

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Elvi

Quote from: DarkestDreams on July 21, 2006, 09:56:59 AM
Indeed, Saetan and Daemon, but mostly Daemon, have left marks of their own..


Then you should really have read them instead of hitting yourself over the head with them......

*wanders away laughing*
It's been fun, but Elvi has now left the building

ShadowsLight

Quote from: DarkestDreams on July 21, 2006, 09:56:59 AM
I will willingly submit to punishment for making this grave a mistake.. *kneels on the floor, bowing his head*

*paces a small circle around Darkest, watching him. One elegant brow lifts and a slight smile quirks the corner of her lips as she leans over to whisper in his ear from behind*  Ah, but that's what you want, my dear . . . so how much of a punishment would it truly be?

*straightens up and circles to stand in front of him, arms folded across her chest* Do tell me why I should give you something you so desire? *a hint of amusement behind those soft words*

Elvi

Shadow, can I remind you, before you go further, that this is on the public borads?
It's been fun, but Elvi has now left the building

ShadowsLight

*chuckles* no problem - I wasn't planning on going any further with it. I just like to tease Darkest on occasion.

Elvi

Just thought I would remind you 'just incase'......*smiles*
It's been fun, but Elvi has now left the building

DarkestDreams

Quote from: Elvi on July 21, 2006, 10:01:06 AM
Then you should really have read them instead of hitting yourself over the head with them......

*wanders away laughing*

*laughs*
Come, and let us dance in dreams of darkness..

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DarkestDreams

Quote from: ShadowsLight on July 21, 2006, 10:24:56 AM
*chuckles* no problem - I wasn't planning on going any further with it. I just like to tease Darkest on occasion.

*mutters*
Come, and let us dance in dreams of darkness..

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