Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Rhedyn]

I hit another downer this weekend. As is often the case I'm not sure why; I don't think there was a trigger, just a sense of lethargy and sadness. They are few and far between for me at the moment but sometimes that means they hit harder because they are so unexpected   :-(

[Oreo]

I go through those too Rhedyn. I keep afloat knowing they will pass. But, while it is going on my pillow is my best friend.

[CrownedSun]

I was watching this earlier, and it just really resonated with me and made sense in a whole lot of different ways,-- though it gets very dark toward the end, fair warning,-- but still:

I wanted to share:
https://youtu.be/ZtKUUkEDetI

[Caedy]

That moment you realize that burnout is threatening and all you want to do is curl in a corner and cry.  Yup, that'd be me at the moment.

[Rhedyn]

I was watching this earlier, and it just really resonated with me and made sense in a whole lot of different ways,-- though it gets very dark toward the end, fair warning,-- but still:

I wanted to share:
https://youtu.be/ZtKUUkEDetI

Wow, that was some powerful stuff right there. I can relate to it on so many levels. Thank you for sharing <3

That moment you realize that burnout is threatening and all you want to do is curl in a corner and cry.  Yup, that'd be me at the moment.

~hugs~ I think maybe that was what got me this weekend too. When I'm in a positive head space I tend to over do it to make myself get lots done and inevitably I crash because I haven't been pacing myself and then I feel worse because I haven't kept up the same levels of productivity, if that makes sense.

[Remiel]

~hugs to Rhedyn and Caedy~  and yeah, Crowned Sun, I saw that earlier.  Powerful stuff.

[Sofia Grace]

So incredibly minuscule in comparison to other people's issues, but I feel as though every time I start getting ahead financially, something else happens.  My car accident in August had caused my car insurance to more than double and so in December, I went on my mom's policy and they were charging me around what I had been paying before the accident.  They told me that when the policy was re-evaluated my price would go up a bit but not to worry about it, since she has better discounts than I had on my original policy. 

Got a promotion this month, which came with a raise.  Was expecting to have roughly $400 extra dollars per month in my pocket and maybe be able to breathe a little bit.

Car insurance re-upped this morning - my payment went from $112/month to $250/month. 

Student loans kick in on April 22nd - and while I'm on an income based repayment plan, that will be an additional $113/month out of my pocket.

Oh, and as of next month the credit I had with T-Mobile runs out and I'll start having to pay my phone bill - another $80.


... So, I got a raise and now I'll still be negative about $50 (well, not negative - I'll just have to cut back on other things per usual).  headdesk  I want to cry.

[Rhedyn]

~hugs Sofia~

[Gypsy]

Hello, everyone.

I'm a long time reader of this blog, and I've drawn strength and courage from reading the courage and the determination shown by those who have posted here, whether in the search for answers or just seeking a moment of connection.  You touch more lives than you probably know, not only by writing here but just by being who you are.  The kindesses and support you show here are not, I'm certain, shown here alone.

I have so many things to be thankful for, and to be proud of.   I have a loving, kind husband, a good home, a good job, decent health, and a few great friends that have managed, somehow, to display the fortitude that it probably takes to get through the walls that I put up.  I escaped the trap of poverty and coming a home with a father that had his own demons that he tried to drown in alcohol and a mother who had grown a hard shell because she needed to.  I saw friends, relatives, in similar situations fall back into those traps, and some never emerged.

Intellectually, even emotionally, I know that, and appreciate my good fortune, and my successes.

I know it, but I don't always feel it.

My worst enemy is a little voice inside me that may be quiet for a good while, but is always waiting for that moment to pounce, to tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not strong enough.  Whatever I've accomplished, it isn't enough.  It isn't what someone else did with less.  I've hurt people, I've let people down, I've not been kind enough, supportive enough, I haven't given enough.   I'm selfish, I'm too self-absorbed, I'm not this rock star, heroine, heart of gold, fictional character that that little voice insists I'm failing not to be.

That little voice and I go rounds every now and then, and I beat it back down with all the weapons at my disposal -- knowledge, information, common sense, anecdotal evidence.  I always feel some sort of victory when I do, and I can get back to being more that me I want to be, but it always comes back eventually, always finds that little crack, that little unguarded opening. 

That little voice has been doing its best, the last couple of days, to wrap its fingers around my throat and dig in.   Part of it is likely hormonal -- I know that from history, even if I no longer have the internal tracking device (thanks to surgery) to be presented with physical confirmation when it breaks.  Part of it is in my writing, which is a big part of my strength except when it's not.  There's no real reason, no real life tragedy, no real life tension, no unforgivable sin on my part that I can look to, only my own inability to always come out a victor in the struggle.

Later today  (would be nice), tomorrow, next week, I'll have beaten it back down again and be my more normal version of 'all right'.   I'm a pretty decent, pretty talented, very lucky person, and I'm not ready to give up the fight by any means. But today .... today, I'm just tired.

Anyway, I suppose I'm posting here in an attempt to 1) reason myself out of what I'm feeling and 2) give something back, after so many posts that I've read in silence, in the shadows.

Thank you for sharing.  And even if you, anonymous reader, semi-anonymous poster, possibly doubt your own courage, I think you can look here in this thread and know that there are people reading it that do not doubt that courage for a second.  They admire you and are pulling for you in your own struggles, even while they go through their own.  Don't stop at looking at this thread, though ...   the ripples continue outward, unseen, and too often unacknowledged.

[Rhedyn]

I'm sorry to hear that it's rough for you right now, Gypsy. Thank you so much for sharing <3  I hope that it helped to get your thoughts down.

~offers hugs and to send some positive energy your way~

[PassionateDesire]

Okay... Let me give this page a try. It's actually quite strange considering that I don't suffer from depression. So you have to excuse me. What I suffer from is anxiety. I have problems with abandonment. Seeing that this thread is rather well visited I thought that I could write about my problems here even though I really don't match the subject. I hope you don't mind. Perhaps it could give people some understanding about me and the way I am.

So... Anxiety. It's a complicated thing. At least for me. In lots of ways, you would never notice that I suffer from anxiety. I can be pretty stern and I'm not the nervous sort and I'm getting better and better at hiding it from people. I hate it when I have to throw the "anxiety card". But It's still hard for me to do certain things. That really annoys me. I don't like going out. Personal confrontation is also difficult for me. It's hard for me when people are angry at me. Not because that they are angry but because I fear their thoughts. That's the hardest thing for me. What they might think of me. So that also means that I try to be the opposite of clingy since I spend a lot of time making people think well of me. As you can imagine it's a bit of a Sisyfos task. It might sound as if I'm putting on a facade and that's true. But if I don't it's just too hard. On the other hand, I'm always genuine about my devotion and love towards people. So I try to make up for it in other ways.

So seeing that It's hard for me to go out and such, roleplaying has become a good way for me to interact and play out some of the sexual things that I've spent most of my life confronting. This is also because that the anxiety (and the medicine I get) makes sex complicated. Let's just keep it to that. Sorry if I'm creeping people out now :)

But... To cut a long story short. I like it here because it's an open forum for what I really need. Intimate relations and open-mindedness of sexual deviation. I'm happy that I've met a lot of cool and sweet people here.

[Remiel]

GypsyRose and PassionateDesire, thank you for sharing.

One thing I've learned is that, while there are many different kinds of psychological disorders (clinical depression, bipolar, schizoaffective, etc.) there are some that are related.  Social anxiety disorder, for example, often goes hand in hand with depression.  And it's easy to see why: too often, the victim of such disorders is plagued by thoughts of "what's wrong with me?" and "why can't I be normal?", etc.

The thing is, it's pretty much universally accepted that our bodies are imperfect.  Allergies are a great example--a deleterious, potentially fatal immune system response to an innocuous substance.  And then there's the whole litany of things that can go wrong with us--diabetes, cancer, arthritis, and so on.

So why is it so hard to accept that our minds are imperfect?  Clinical depression, for example, occurs when the brain either doesn't produce or doesn't receive enough serotonin or dopamine.   It's hard to have a rosy outlook when you're wearing shit-colored glasses.  Many times, we can tell ourselves "there is no reason for me to be anxious or afraid", and yet, there we are, flooded by adrenaline in the brain's fight-or-flight response. 

[Rhedyn]

Thank you for sharing, PassionateDesire and welcome to the thread. I have anxiety issues as well, most predominantly social anxiety which varies in intensity depending on my mental/emotional state. For me, anxiety and depression feed off each other. I can have one without the other but they tend to go hand in hand, especially when I'm having a big spiral which makes it all that harder to get out of the cycle.

[rekhaiyer]

The thing that I have trouble with during my days staring at the ceiling is the feeling of apathy. It sometimes gets so hard to shake off and you don't see the point in running, eating or talking. Sometimes you just feel like cocooning yourself in background noise of media that doesn't mean anything. And at times like these, you think you are typing something deep or profound to cheer others up but you also know that you are no philosopher and you feel like your thoughts are not really going to make a difference. Dysthymia is nowhere near what other people with more severe issues deal with and I am never sure if I should talk about my issues when others have it so much worse.

[Remiel]

I don't see why not.  This thread is a kind of support group, after all...

[marauder13]

I just read rekhaiyer's post, and one thing popped up that I have seen, heard and said many times before.

Dysthymia is nowhere near what other people with more severe issues deal with and I am never sure if I should talk about my issues when others have it so much worse.

Regardless of what the affliction, diagnosis, professional opinion, etc, whatever is happening is real, and effects you. For every person out there that is 'suffering more that me', there are people who are 'better off than me'. So, in the overall scheme of things, it doesn't matter. All that matters is how it is effecting your quality of life. That is where your focus should be, because it is impacting you most of all.

Please, never downplay what you are going through, especially by comparing your situation with someone else's. Acknowledge how you are, how it impacts you and effects you, recognise what it does to you, and seek support for it. Talk to others, seek professional help, engage in a hobby that lifts your spirits, any or all of the above and anything else left off the list. If listening to others talk about their situation helps you, then do that, just don't use them as a yard stick about how good/bad you are.

If is a tough thing to do, and I slip more often than I like and do the same thing. It's easy to do when I am clinically depressed and so is my wife. It is all to easy to compare myself against her, but doing that makes matters worse for me, so this is why I do my best not to do it.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story with us, and I hope that you find little nuggets of wisdom, support and understanding that will help you out.

*dumps fresh hugs in the communal pile for those that want them.*

[rekhaiyer]

Talking about it helps but is also slightly uncomfortable for me. I am still working on ignoring my own discomfort when talking about it to make sure that I can offer a little support to others who are in the same boat.

I have only begun dealing with it recently so I am still figuring things out. Thank you for your thoughts, marauder13.

[marauder13]

Well, for me, the early days were the hardest and scariest. Even now, some things are not easy for me to discuss, even with close friends and family.

But, I do wish you well with your journey, and I hope that it brings you some measure of success, and along with that some peace. People here are more than willing to listen, should you desire to speak, and offer whatever assistance they can, assuming that you desire that input.

But... sharing your insights may give someone else a new perspective on something that they are dealing with. If you feel you have something to add to a discussion, I would suggest that you do so, as long as you are comfortable with it. I have yet to see anyone here say anything bad about anyone else who has posted here and I doubt that I will. We are all different, and our journeys are all different too. We all see things differently, and sometimes, those differences can shine a light into someone else's darkness.

Before I go, I would like to thank you again for speaking up in this blog, and sharing what you have thus far about your own journey.

[The Lioness]

The past couple of months have been hard for me. I've been struggling with medical issues, have lost faith in my PCP, and I've also been going through awful withdrawal. My doctor had told me things that were not true, and trusting her, I'm now not only going through withdrawal, but I have lost a lot of faith in those I trust most with my well being.

The withdrawal is from both an antidepressant/ADHD treatment and an anti-anxiety medication. One was to help me sleep through the night, and the other was to help with ADHD symptoms. As the weeks pass, I have found myself lost. Not just in thought, but in general. I've been suffering form crippling insomnia, severe depression and mood swings, and just about everything else. Go figure when my monthly visit from "auntie" it only makes things worse.

Things haven't been going well for me at home since these changes. My husband is getting stressed (and sexually frustrated) with my issues...and while he claims that he's understanding and what not, our arguments have increased dramatically and I've found myself thinking dark thoughts more often than not.

For the past few days, things seem to be getting better at home and mentally, so I like to think I'm on the road to recovery. I can't see my new PCP until the end of April, so until then I'm just holding on tight. I'm trying to get back into writing, but with all that has been going on, I've had a hard time bringing myself to look myself in the mirror let alone socialize.

I'm here...just...having a hard time getting through everyday life.

[Remiel]

Sorry you've been dealing with so many problems, Lioness.  Unfortunately, therapists and psychiatrists aren't perfect--they make mistakes and errors in judgment, and the science of the mind is really a very little-understood science.

Hang in there.  I can't promise that things will get better, but they most likely will if you keep trying.

[Hunter]

Mental issues are no less challenging and often far more frustrating than physical ones.    People understand the kind of challenges that you're going to have if you're missing a hand or a leg, but what about autism, depression, or simple insomnia?   There's a huge gap in the knowledge of how the brain works and the fact that medications can have completely different effects on otherwise similar people.

Today,  I find myself dealing with writer's block and a real lack of interest in doing much of anything.    Just for the record: I'm 46 and I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Asperger's Syndrome (a form of autism).

We're people, as Remiel mentioned.   We make mistakes, have lapses in judgement, and sometime act impulsively.   I remember this line from a book I read as a kid and it's stuck with me: "Cooks cover their mistakes with mayonnaise, Lawyers cover their mistakes with words, and Doctors cover their mistakes with dirt."

Tolerance requires knowledge...and a desire to understand.

[HannibalBarca]

I'm really missing my son.  He deals with a lot of stuff in his life (he's 15), mostly from idiots who can't understand or deal with his being transgendered, gay, and asexual.  He asked to be checked in to a mental health facility.  He's been to them before.  The last one was a much more helpful place, in a more suburban setting, and the new one is the same, but further away.  Much further away.  I can't see him, not even once a week like the last place.  He's the most important person in my life, and I want to be there for him as much as possible.  This whole thing is about him, not me...but it affects me regardless.  I keep thinking that I'm so affected by it because I care so much about him.  It sucks to be a parent and feel like you have so little control over the well-being of your child.

The day before he left, he got on Skype and asked if I could send him some music...his iPhone had gotten broken, and he was using an mp3 player, and needed some songs while he was gone.  I sent him a lot of stuff, and he thanked me for it after.  That was the last time I was able to even communicate with him, and it was 3 days ago.  I've been trying to get through, but a lot of the places that he's been to often have them wait to communicate with family for a while.

I think a lot about his issues, and how much I have a responsibility for.  We've always had a very good relationship, but his mother and I are divorced and don't get along well.  I know it's had an effect on him, even though I wish it didn't.  I wonder more about my own problems with depression, and how that has affected him.  I want to be sure and separate what I can change and be responsible for from the stuff I have no control over and isn't caused by me.  Those little nagging doubts always come around more--and louder--when you're really down, and that's the struggle.  I can be as logical as possible, but those brain chemicals don't change on a dime.

[Rhedyn]

~leaves lots of hugs and support for The Lioness, Hunter and HannibalBarca~

I wish I could offer more in terms of amazing words and 'pick me up' wisdom but I've been so up and down myself these last few days that I don't feel like I could really do any of you justice with them. So instead I just wanted to say that I'm here and reading and empathising with you all.

[Caedy]

Pardon the language in this post, but it is the best way I have to express myself right now.

Depression and anxiety can kiss my ass.  I'm so over and done feeling like I'm useless, worthless, not enough.  I cannot even get past my anxiety to talk to anyone more than the one person that has always been my safe space. Hell, this is even more than I am usually comfortable with, along with the post I'd made on my A/As a few minutes ago.

I've had 2 anxiety attacks at work in the last month.  I've had another one that required my roommate to pry my hands off the kitchen counter to get me to move because I simply fucking couldn't.  I am tired of not having a support group, someone close to talk to, to take me out and just be there as I try and get my fucking shit together.  I am tired of having to be stronger than I feel, to be stronger than I am even remotely capable of being right now because most days all I want to do is spend the day in bed crying and sleeping because that is all the energy I have, but somehow I manage to crawl out of bed every morning and take myself to a job that I absolutely hate (yes, I'm powering through the down to actually put several applications out). 

I am just tired.  I cannot help the number of times that I've considered just giving up in the last month...but the thing that put the thought of my mind was a simple Snapchat message from my nephew.  This amazing, soon to be twelve year old, said three words that reminded me that even though I don't see him all that often, he is a major part of my world.  "I love you."  That's all at the end of the conversation...that was it...and for the first time in about two weeks I didn't cry myself to sleep. 

This isn't a bid for pity or sympathy...this is just me dealing with the things running through my head that I need to get out.  I'm trying to find the light, and I can almost feel its warmth, but it is still so far away. 

Anyway, I think that might be enough rambling from me right now.  <3

[Arianna]

Pardon the language in this post, but it is the best way I have to express myself right now.

Depression and anxiety can kiss my ass.  I'm so over and done feeling like I'm useless, worthless, not enough.  I cannot even get past my anxiety to talk to anyone more than the one person that has always been my safe space.

This isn't a bid for pity or sympathy...this is just me dealing with the things running through my head that I need to get out.  I'm trying to find the light, and I can almost feel its warmth, but it is still so far away. 

It comes and goes and all you can do when it's there is ride it. I am right there with you, and I am starting to think that even those people who can be our safe Haven have a limit on how much they can do for us. So when depression and anxiety both cripple me from two dirrections, I just wait for it to pass, and just look for that light. I've given up fighting it, because it's useless. I know that people I care about think I am just "moody" but I finally started not to care. If I am not feeling like talking about it, or doing something about it, then I don't. One thing I always know for sure is that it does go away, even if it returns.

So the light is there, beautiful lady, just wait for it to get to you, and just let depression and anxiety have their way in the meantime. I would love to listen, if you need to rant more, and I am not just saying it.

Be strong.