Online Chatting and RP

[CCgirlie19]

OK here is a question for everyone.

Do you think it is considered cheating (full, emotional, whatever, none) for someone that is married to chat online (sexually) with people and to RolePlay with them too? This is considering it is done without the significant other knowing about it? And if you think it's cheating would you forgive? Would you if they stop, what if they wanted to keep doing it?

Just curious cuz I know someone this happened to.

[Jude]

Cheating is determined relationship by relationship.  Someone who's polyamorous for example wouldn't think that it's cheating to have a relationship with another person at the same time as having a relationship with them.

What makes online chatting and RP cheating if it delves into the realm of sexuality is if:

a)  Your partner doesn't want you doing it and you do it anyway
b)  You don't mention it to your partner and you think there's a chance they wouldn't be happy about it

It may be cheating if you don't mention it to them even if you don't think that they would care.  That's a gray area.  But if you don't think that they would care, why not tell them?

Anytime you're hiding things from your partner, even if they're innocent, it's going to create a problem.  Just because it's not specifically infidelity doesn't mean it's OK to not tell them.

That's not to say you should tell your partner everything, but if you specifically choose to hide something you better have a damn good reason.  And if "they would be upset" is somewhere involved in your logic, you're probably breaching their trust (if not being unfaithful).

[Oniya]

Cheating is defined as breaking the rules.  That said, if a situation that isn't covered by the rules comes up, that doesn't mean that you can do whatever and say 'you didn't say I couldn't...'

[Serephino]

Well, there are lots of married people here doing sexual role plays, and some of them don't tell their spouses.  Personally, I don't see the harm since you're never going to meet these people.  Of course I guess it depends on each individual situation.  A little flirting and role play is harmless.  Actually having a romantic relationship might be a little different.

[CCgirlie19]

Well, there are lots of married people here doing sexual role plays, and some of them don't tell their spouses.  Personally, I don't see the harm since you're never going to meet these people.  Of course I guess it depends on each individual situation.  A little flirting and role play is harmless.  Actually having a romantic relationship might be a little different.

Obviously having a romantic relationship is cheating, but I ment if someone went online often signed into a chat site and proceded to have sexual roleplay.  I was just curious on what other people think because I know this is kinda a gray area.  The purpose of roleplay is to pretend to do and be something you know you aren't or can't be. But the significant other while understanding felt betrayed and emotionally cheated on. 

[Jude]

The primary purpose of the style of sexual roleplay that most people engage in here is sexual gratification, make no mistake about it, that's why people have their On/Offs clearly listed and make such a big deal about their preferences.  Aiming to be sexually fulfilled by someone other than your partner is what it boils down to, even if it's not by direct action, they're gratifying you and trying to please you sexually.  If your partner is cool with that, that's fine, but how can you look at it for what it is and act like that isn't cheating if you're not in a relationship that is at least somewhat open?

[Tsenta]

It depends on the relationship, plenty of married individuals are okay with their spouse "playing" with others only if it remains online. While others are bothered by it, there are plenty of married individuals on E.  It's all about preference really.

[Pumpkin Seeds]

Well, pornography is used for sexual stimulation and gratification.  This is an alternate form than the partner and so by those definitions could be seen as cheating.  Most people would not consider pornography to be cheating though and some couples even encourage their partners to watch or look at such things.  There are some couples though where the partners would be mortified to find out the other person was entertaining such things.  So really it stills falls down to how the couple feels about the situation.

For me personally, I do think sexual role play can become cheating.  If a person starts to seek a large amount of their sexual gratification on the internet, starts to develop close relationships with these people that takes time away from their partner and/or the sexual role play begins to invade the sanctity of the bedroom then it is cheating.  The main problem I have with cheating is that, aside from being a breach of trust, it takes away from the relationship of the couple.  One partner is seeking to satisfy himself/herself or looking to satisfy another person with attention meant for their significant other.  A person has only so much time and when the time reserved for their partner is devoted to something else, then problems seriously begin.

[Mithlomwen]

I personally don't see it as cheating.  When I write a character, it is just that, a character.  It isn't me in any shape or form.  My characters take on a life of their own, and most of them do not even come close to my personality in RL.  Some people seek out erotic RP for sexual gratification, while others seek out more of a creative outlet.  I myself do not write for sexual gratification.  I love to write, to explore new worlds thought up by myself and my writing partner, the fact that there are some hot steamy sex scenes in those stories is a bonus.  To me it's not much different than picking up a delicious novel and reading it, only this novel I'm helping to create. 

Now if you're talking about cybering, I still don't see that as cheating.  Granted every couple is different, but for me personally, cheating would involve actual physical contact.  Like if I were to meet someone I met online and actually have sex with them, then yes that would be cheating, but chatting online through a messenger of some sort, if you break it down, it's all words on a screen.  There's no 'real' contact, no touching no talking....just words on a screen.  To me that could hardly be considered cheating.

But like I said, that's just my view on it.  Each person is different, so they have to analyze what they feel and view and go from there. 

(and yes in case you were wondering, I am married, and yes my husband does know I write on E)

[Torch]

I would just like to second pretty much everything Mith said. I am a writer. In the past 30 or so years I've written thousands of pages of non-adult fiction, along with erotic fiction. I enjoy creating memorable characters and plunging them into exciting worlds and settings that I create. I love to explore emotions and angst and conflict. I love watching a character I create fall in love. Does that character have any resemblance to myself? Absolutely not in any way, shape or form. I write fiction, not autobiography. I am not here to hook up, get my jollies off, cyber or anything else of that nature. I am here solely to write without censoring my work.

Like Mith, I am also married, and Mr. Torch has full knowledge of the stories I write here on E. I have always written non-adult and erotic fiction, and Mr. Torch was well aware of that fact before we married. He knows that I find writing to be a wonderful creative outlet, and he's completely supportive even though he does not write fiction himself. Would I do this if he did not approve? No. Would I do this behind his back? No.

However, each relationship has its own rules regarding what is considered cheating. And one set of rules applying to one couple cannot be applied to any other couple. From my own personal views, cheating is the equivalent of lying (and that includes lying by omission). Any act, physical or not committed behind a spouse's back would be considered cheating in my book. As long as both partners are fully aware of the actions of one another, all is good as far as I'm concerned.

[Lilias]

Online life, by definition, plays second fiddle to real life (or should do so, but that's a whole different ball game), so what is and is not cheating depends on what the rules of the real life relationship are, not of the nature of online communication.

If the significant other disapproves of such activities and you go on and do it anyway, whether keeping quiet about it or outright lying... well, you don't need me to tell you that it is cheating ('lying' being the key word).

I guess I'm lucky, because I met my husband doing just that, and now we're both members here.

[auroraChloe]

i see play by post as creative writing, even though it may be sexually stimulating at the same time.  its not different than reading a novel and getting a kick out of that, imo.

my bf is less comfortable with me playing by IM than by post, so i am keeping the majority of my focus on posted stories out of respect for his feelings.  still it isn't the same as trying to hook up with the chick down town. 

even for me, IM stuff can get very grey.  i understand there is no physical contact but there is an emotional / mental connection in many cases even if it is for that limited time period.   

[Nico]

Online life, by definition, plays second fiddle to real life (or should do so, but that's a whole different ball game), so what is and is not cheating depends on what the rules of the real life relationship are, not of the nature of online communication.

If the significant other disapproves of such activities and you go on and do it anyway, whether keeping quiet about it or outright lying... well, you don't need me to tell you that it is cheating ('lying' being the key word).

First of all - I agree completely. :-)

As for myself, my boyfriend knows what I am doing here, and he approves of it. Hell, he probably would join as well if he wouldn't have a job that takes up so much of his time. But he does not mind at all what I am doing here. In my opinion, it's not cheating.

[NekoBoy89]

I agree with Nicholas in this question. As long as the other half approves of the use I do not see any problem with it, your not really having sex with anyone or anything. It is just reading for the imagination, and sometimes it can give inspiration to action to be used in real life.  ;) who knows what people might think about when around here.

[CCgirlie19]

Well the significant other I believe it to be more of a emotional cheating b/c the person in question looked online for something that is ment to be shared privately between the married couple. I am still not sure how I feel about it.

[Trieste]

Depends entirely on the married couple.

[Le RandomBloke]

Personally roleplaying wouldn't bother me but just flat out going horn-dog like you'd see in most random chat sites would definitely bother me.

[Neroon]

The dividing line for me is a matter of choice.  If you choose to spend time cybering someone else and going at it like there's no tomorrow, when your partner is a room away and waiting for your attentions, then you're cheating.

[Chevalier des Poissons]

The concept of cheating begins when you actually desires more the cyber partner than your RL partner.

[Saerrael]

The concept of cheating begins when you actually desires more the cyber partner than your RL partner.

Well said.

For me, erotic roleplay isn't cheating. It's the same as reading or watching porn.
It gets me excited and guess who gets the benefits of that?
In Dutch we have a saying that translates roughly into the following ;
"You can look at the menu anywhere as much as you like, just as long as you eat at home."

[CCgirlie19]

The concept of cheating begins when you actually desires more the cyber partner than your RL partner.

That makes a lot of sense. I wasn't expecting this to be such a popular topic. I guess it really depends on your partner.  For the one in question, that individual never really did it for years into their relationship however they were comfortable with normal porn and the other one discovered the roleplay and cyber world. I'm the sister of that person and we share a very close relationship and everything is working out alright for them. However when my sibling came clean with his significant other. Obviously they were shocked to learn the truth and while forgiving, he/she is still accepting it and my sibling is moving away from that (which my sibling never desired the cyber partner more).

[Oniya]

"You can look at the menu anywhere as much as you like, just as long as you eat at home."

I told Mr. Oniya that line, and he said 'what about takeout?'

[Saerrael]

I told Mr. Oniya that line, and he said 'what about takeout?'

*grins*

[MasterMischief]

I believe if you do it without your partner's consent or knowledge, you are crossing a line.  Personally, I do not think it is as bad as cheating physically, but I do still see it as a betrayal.  As with conventional cheating, it is often a symptom of other issues within the relationship.

[Ket]

I told Mr. Oniya that line, and he said 'what about takeout?'

-giggles-

Shared take-out is the Friday night after a long day of work option.