[Blog Series]Miss Marguerite & The City - Day 34

[Marguerite]

Sept 19th - Why Mind, Come On Over & Talk With Moi...

I feel the blanket of depression trying to envelop me in its warmth. I cannot even say if it is depression because I have felt these moods hit when my energy levels are low and things seem to not be going in the way I want it to lead. How is depression supposed to feel or even sadness? Whenever my mood becomes dark and I feel the tendrils of a dark voice (almost like a demon's voice) slither its way into my mind, I know it is time to step back and evaluate things. Amusing how the times when I am close to low in energy is where slivers of doubt and wrath come into play.

Never have I been found to be mentally off kilter. No bipolar disorder. No manic episodes (the ones I have had only comes around when I am going to menstruate, the fluctuating weight, cravings for ice cream, the urge to spank someone's bottom, etc). Nothing to put me in a straight jacket or guzzling down bags of happy pills. Yet, I needed to get these words out onto the imaginary net paper to make sure I never get to the point of my own mind eating away at the core of me. The day my mind starts to attack itself, I know it will be when I am laying in a nursing home with a smile on my damn face and a glass of limoncello as my last meal. I think a lot of people fear death. Not because it is the last moments of your life but because of the things we have or have not done before taking our last breath. Did I do everything on my bucket list? Do I regret any of my actions? Should I have married him? Anything?

Now that is what the fear of Death really comes into play.

For me, I do not fear the likelihood of my demise because it will be years upon years until I spank my last bottom or collar my last submissive. For now, I only take apart my mind and see what I can do to upgrade and edit out any bugs or viruses. Now as I wrote this, I came out of the shower thirty minutes before. I wanted to wash myself of the last few days (I take daily baths but it is a metaphor, go with it) dramatics. Some find their solitude or solutions in various forms but for me, a hot shower or a cold one, depending on the weather outside heals and rejuvenates my whole body. It sloughs away the problems of the roommates, scrubs the aches and pains of sleepless nights and drowns the doubting voice which fails to put me in a sour mood.

Before, my mind was split in two ways. It was heavily tired and wanted to sleep. On the other side, my mind snapped its fingers and informed me I had a slew of things to do. I have no clue what it is I need to do but the last few days kicked my equilibrium out of sync. However, once I stepped from the shower, dressed and brushed my hair a sigh of relief fell from my lips. The problems I have now are temporary but the support and experience I gain is forever. I may not get along with the roommates but I am not bound to their side like a loveless marriage. School is tough now but it prepares me to step up my A game and crack the whip at the textbooks to open itself to my curiosity to learn. The lack of a muse on Elliquiy is a sign that the muse slumbers but when it wakes, it will roar and ravish even to the point of frightening those with my writings. Even now, with this blog series, it aids in awakening the muse even more fro its fitful sleep.

As I sit back on the couch to read a novel and watch Sweet Home Alabama (no horror movies on tonight), I leave you with this:

A mind is a terrible thing to waste but what about the mind who wastes itself?

[Enmuro]

As your post mentions depression and death my inner emo leaves me no choice but to comment hehe. Long term depression sucks but temporary depression kinda rocks doesn't it? It does let you drown out the noise of life and really focus on any problems you have. Heck I once wrote a full stack flashmob-ish application just because I realized it was making me miserable to keep eating alone. Launch day of the app came and I ended up eating lunch with about 8 other people who used the app. An otherwise stinky semester of college really picked up for me after that. It sounds like you have a similar, if not also a little scarier lol, spring back reaction to depression which I'm glad to hear :)

I agree with you that fear of death is pointless but for different reasons. If you think back to the closest times you might have come to kickin the old bucket I bet they weren't that scary at the time and you definitely didn't think of your bucket list. You might freeze up but otherwise your body kicks in and just says 'shut up mind and leave not dying to the pros.' Gotta love instinct. Verily it is the ever reliable and simpleminded farmboy/girl hero in the mind's lil constructed kingdom.