'A Temple of Two Spirits' -- 9: Commitment, Confidence and Male Struggles

[Twisted Crow]

Nine:

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'Commitment, Confidence and Male Struggles'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtjX2J-dQ7g

A quick disclaimer here... I am going to be talking about my past (and somewhat current) struggles experiences with relationships and dating. Keep in mind that this is from a perspective of one male. I am not speaking on behalf of all men, nor am I speaking for all women out there. I usually go up to bat for people that try to do right by others, even when relationships go south. There are good-hearted people and some are... well...

Honestly, I don't even think this is about "bad" people... just mostly making my own personal space to clear my head and decompress. Maybe even introspect a bit. Some frustration with myself, as well as with others that have rather conflicted expectations from me as a male. That sorta thing. Anyways...

Let's just pretend I didn't have this sensitive, 'motherly' tendency that tends to clash with my more natural male instincts. Even still... Heh, I think I may still have issues with just everything in the 'relationships department' at my age. At least, according to the cultural norm I suppose.

I am 30 years old now. No wife, girlfriend, children, pets or really anything that cements me into any serious sort of relationship. Officially, I have no real job (at least, not counting odd jobs around family and friends). While I'm not in despair over this, there is still that nagging feeling in me. Like I am lacking in personal achievement because I don't have any of that going on in my life. And it's strange to me. While I don't really object to a family life, I have mixed feelings as to whether or not I consider these as personal milestones for me. My last relationship was a bit over a decade ago, before my time in the military. For what it is worth to others, it is not so straight as "just another guy lacking confidence, afraid to commit" for me. Even though quite a bit of that now applies because irony is sometimes as cruel as it is funny. Still, it's all too easy to be typecasted as one that always had been either a loser or "just playing the field". In some ways, I'm kind of a Renaissance Man in terms of ethics and mind. I'm the kind of guy that would ask for a dance rather than just bump in and grind on a stranger like a jackass. I am the sort of person that can appreciate a woman's physical beauty -- However if she is vain, judgmental and petty... then a lot of that evaporates for me in an instant. Confidence is one thing; epic-level ego is another.

I am attracted to a unique 'breed' of woman. I need to feel like I can be myself on the first date, rather than whip up some crazy act to make myself 'shiny and appealing' to them. I feel comfort in both of us damn well knowing that sex is somewhere on my brain, but in spite of it -- I can relax and discover what this other person is all about. What does she want? What is she looking for? How does she see life? How does she treat others around her? That kind of thing. I like to feel at ease knowing that she wouldn't care if I were rich or poor, but that I want something in my life and continue to drive toward achieve that dream. Further more, I feel like I am drawn to security, consistency, stability. Sure, I have romantic flights of fancy but I don't like to play everything by ear and I am not too keen on faking it until I make it. It just feels so... well, it's fake and ultimately fruitless to both parties involved. I need to feel like I could talk to her without dreading a possible 'Convenient Privileged Princess' complex where they expect 'equality' AND royalty status at the same time. I like a down-to-earth woman that is aware that she's human like me... and we both love, feel, fear and screw up from time to time. To be honest, I'm not even sure if my ideal lady is even out there anymore (at my age). These days, I run into so many with mixed messages and expectations with a cherry-picked collection of social ethics. So when I can't handle all that, I get the tsunami of labels because it appears to be a repeat of patterns from other people (I guess). Can't commit, confidence problems (i.e., "intimidated by a 'confident' woman" or something to that effect) and the like. When the reality of it all is deeper for me than what lies on the surface. And yet, somehow, made more simple with all the details considered. The problem is that a lot of the details are overlooked.

I have come to realize that I can't commit to something that seems like it's going to be "consistently inconsistent". And I know it's a crude generalization to say "but that's how women are, brah". Really, I've met a few wonderful women out there that were stable, consistent people. But as the story always goes for me and others, those are usually the ones spoken for, right? ::)

As far as interaction and communication goes, maybe I am just too black-and-white with it. To illustrate; If one likes to have cake... Great. I now know that they like to have cake. If they like to eat cake. Sweet, I know that they like eating their cake instead of having it. If they stay away from cake for some reason. Whatever, fine. All of that is totally fine with me because I at least know where one stands (regarding cake). The point is I remember, I pay attention and follow through. But if someone were to enjoy having cake, then eat it... and sometimes even have a weird ego to turn right around after that and say "Pfft. Cake? I'm above it." A very silly example to generalize so many specific issues but still... behavior like that is beyond confusing to me. And it's some of the reasons why I am so shy and skiddish when approaching women. If a person shows me consistency in how they want to be treated and what they are all about, I'm fine. I like it when those grounds are established. But if she wants me to hold the door for her one day because "chivalry is sweet" only to get insulted by the gesture the next, it's upsetting ... and only confusing as all shit. It just puts me in a weird place of not knowing what to do when all I really want to do is be with somebody that is, at least, sure of what they want and feel.

My question I keep asking others (mostly myself) is... am I crazy? Dally, are you asking for too much? Is it really fair to have these expectations, yourself? Are these genuine fears of not being able to connect with someone eventually... or are they excuses to cover up a fear of commitment? Why am I talking to myself?  ::)

-Dallas



On The Music: Darius Rucker's vocals for Hootie and the Blowfish are simply amazing to me. Such an underrated artist that really hits me where I live every time I hear his voice. The rich baritone melody combined with that laidback 90's alternative pace just puts my mind in a stride. The lyrics kinda fit the mood, as it always felt like this Dylan-tribute was about wanting to be with someone but not wanting to marry.

Also for any Ted fans out there... A-E-I-O-U!