Black Moods

[grdell]

So here I am, with my jaw clenched (I store tension in my jaw), staring at my computer screen and contemplating existentialism.

I have been sick for like weeks now - weeks! this damned bug won't go away - and witness to my mood getting darker and darker the whole while, and now here I am in one of my black moods. I call them my black moods because it seems like it's just about every negative emotion there is all bundled up at once and eating me up from the inside out. I'll get over it in time, I always do, but while I'm in it I can't do anything because everything is fucking pointless.

Just like my miserable existence.

So I watch comedies to lighten my mood and muster no more than a grunt instead of a laugh. Yeah, I've been here before and I know the drill. I just have to wait it out.

And you know the worst part? The absolute worst part is that nobody knows me well enough to pick up on it. Why? Because I can't let anybody in that close. I grew up in such a repressive atmosphere of fear and self-loathing that even with my closest friends, I still wear a mask, whether I want to or not. I have to make a conscious effort to remove the mask and reveal my true self, and when I get like this I never want to because I don't wish to burden my few close friends with my tired old self-pity and even more tired song of loneliness and despair.

So I vent online. What better place than the company of strangers? Well, okay, not strangers, but people with faces I have never seen and voices I have never heard save for what they represent on this forum.

A very good friend of mine once pointed out that when I get like this I become very bitter and wear another mask - one of not wanting to be consoled. He is absolutely correct. When I get in one of my black moods, I just want to stew in it and hate the world and everyone in it. It is an ironic twist on my normal personality, as I am usually a very upbeat, optimistic person. I guess nobody can keep that up forever, though, and these moods are just a way of evening the scales up a bit.

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm sorry for not keeping up on my stories, which makes me feel even worse. Which only makes me want to post even less.

So here I am, with my jaw clenched, staring at my computer screen and contemplating existentialism.

[Vekseid]

I recommend chopping wood.  Take frustration out with physical exertion.

[Saku]

*hugs*

I get like that sometimes now and then. Try sleeping. Sometimes it works. Other than that just play out a fantasy in your mind of beating someone over the head that made you mad in the first place :p

Also if it makes you feel any better, I owe you a post and TONS of other people posts and haven't gotten around to it yet and that makes me feel overwhelmed and also makes me feel bad since I know people are waiting for replies and I want to give them posts but I can't make myself post sometimes. It's not that I don't have muse for them it's just that I have to be in a certain mindset in order to write. And sometimes I'm not in it. For days. lol

And then I start worrying about whether people will hate me because I'm not posting to them for awhile. Or I manage to post to a few and the others start to wonder why they didn't get a post from me....*screams*

Sorry for ranting about that but yeah, on the bright side you don't owe me a post yet! :) I do hope you feel better soon though because being sick is not much fun at all. Doesn't make you want to do anything ;;

[MasterMischief]

I have been there.  They come less often as I have gotten older.  Maybe age tempers the mood swings.  When I was in high school, I would write very dark, graphic poetry.  That seemed to help.  I have also found that, this is going to sound silly, rap music helps.  You know, 'cause sometimes you just want to bust a cap in some bitch motherfucker's ass.  So, yeah, poetry, angry music and maybe some First Person Shooter.  Here is hoping you feel yourself again soon.