Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[marauder13]

You know when people ask if you are okay and you have to fight to smile and say something pleasant and utterly false? Someone close to me asked that recently and I told him the truth. The wounded, bloody, awful, deep dark truth.

It didn't go well.

He keeps asking, thinking somehow I will give him a better answer. I stopped answering.

My wife and her oldest friend have a system they use with each other. One of them will ask the other "How are you?" and they will get the normal answer of "I am fine." or some variation on the theme. If the same person asks the question a second time during that social event or conversation, they are wanting to know the truth, and they get it. I like it, and I am starting to use that with a few close friends of mine. That allows them to ask, and receive the normal acceptable answer, but if they really want to know, and can handle hearing it, then they ask again, maybe a sentence or two later. That way, the other person doesn't get a heap of TMI thrown at them if they don't want it.

That, or when you are asked, simply reply with "Do you want the socially acceptable answer, or the gory, ugly truth?"

[Peripherie]

My wife and her oldest friend have a system they use with each other. One of them will ask the other "How are you?" and they will get the normal answer of "I am fine." or some variation on the theme. If the same person asks the question a second time during that social event or conversation, they are wanting to know the truth, and they get it. I like it, and I am starting to use that with a few close friends of mine. That allows them to ask, and receive the normal acceptable answer, but if they really want to know, and can handle hearing it, then they ask again, maybe a sentence or two later. That way, the other person doesn't get a heap of TMI thrown at them if they don't want it.

That, or when you are asked, simply reply with "Do you want the socially acceptable answer, or the gory, ugly truth?"

I like that system. Maybe I'll share that idea with him, maybe it will help him understand when I'm not doing horribly at the moment but I'm really not doing okay either. Thank you! :)

[Oniya]

While he doesn't use it in the same context, Mr. Oniya will occasionally answer an inquiry with 'Do you really want the answer to that question?'  One time, when it would have involved the inquiring co-worker hearing a lot about 'alternative lifestyles', his boss (who already knew and was cool with it) said 'No.  No you don't.'

[Remiel]

Seemed apropos.

[Autumn52]

I have been conditioned my whole life to give the easy answer to the 'how are you?' question. I usually say fine.


My sister has had the same conditioning and I asked her how she is and she says okay. Then I say, No really how are you? Then she has to think about it because the easy answer is the one you just automatically give and so you don't really know how to answer the question sometimes. She does the same with me as well.


The problem is when someone ask you and you tell them the truth and then 5 minutes later they ask you again, as if in 5 minutes you have been miraculously healed. That can get very irritating to me. My fiancé does this and several times I have just said, 'unless the hand of God has come down in the last 5 minutes then the answer is the same so please tell me the appropriate answer so that the conversation can just move on.' I know that may seem harsh but after several times of saying the same thing it gets very old, very fast. Sometimes I just ignore the question and ask one of my own. Sometimes I just can't give an honest answer, do any of you feel that way sometimes?


I know this is kinda off the subject of the OT, but I needed to get it off my chest. I can feel for you Peri, it is hurtful when that happens. *hugs*

[Mirrah]

I have been conditioned my whole life to give the easy answer to the 'how are you?' question. I usually say fine.


My sister has had the same conditioning and I asked her how she is and she says okay. Then I say, No really how are you? Then she has to think about it because the easy answer is the one you just automatically give and so you don't really know how to answer the question sometimes. She does the same with me as well.


The problem is when someone ask you and you tell them the truth and then 5 minutes later they ask you again, as if in 5 minutes you have been miraculously healed. That can get very irritating to me. My fiancé does this and several times I have just said, 'unless the hand of God has come down in the last 5 minutes then the answer is the same so please tell me the appropriate answer so that the conversation can just move on.' I know that may seem harsh but after several times of saying the same thing it gets very old, very fast. Sometimes I just ignore the question and ask one of my own. Sometimes I just can't give an honest answer, do any of you feel that way sometimes?


I know this is kinda off the subject of the OT, but I needed to get it off my chest. I can feel for you Peri, it is hurtful when that happens. *hugs*

I get that. It's always easier to give the "I'm fine." or "I'm okay." as an answer, rather than get into the more complicated truth of "How I honestly feel and am doing right now." I am very much guilty of doing that, but as you said, it is a matter of conditioning. Sometimes, people truly care to know. Most times, they are merely asking to either fulfill social conventions, or to say that they have asked. I am secretive by nature, and prefer to not examine my own state too deeply, because it feels like a whirlpool that I'll get sucked into and I can't swim. It's definitely easier to say, "I'm okay." and fake a smile, or deflect.

At the same time, I understand the frustration of, when you finally need to either let go of something or yourself, and the person in front of you isn't someone equipped to handle the truth--not even those small ones. Trying to trust is terrifying, and learning whom to trust is a painful process. It's very easy to feel very alone, even when surrounded by people. I often feel that I can never be, honestly, myself. Not with family, not with anyone. Just lift my head up, paint a smile on my face, and walk forward. Luckily, I now have a very small handful of friends whom I can count on to just listen on occasion, if nothing else.

It's been a blessing, but one I still find myself wary of abusing. As someone who is used to being the listener, not the one listened to, I understand too well what people mean when they try to say that they can't handle any more. Different people have different thresholds, and it's difficult to discern where it is for each person. I'd rather not come close to even approaching it, for fear of losing them. When a friend says, "I can't deal with this." it's heartbreaking. I end up feeling like they're saying, "I can't deal with you anymore." I know that's probably not what they meant, but it's how I end up feeling. Then I close up again. Paint the smile back on. "I'm okay. I'm fine. How are you?" Even if I'm breaking inside.

[Autumn52]

I get that. It's always easier to give the "I'm fine." or "I'm okay." as an answer, rather than get into the more complicated truth of "How I honestly feel and am doing right now." I am very much guilty of doing that, but as you said, it is a matter of conditioning. Sometimes, people truly care to know. Most times, they are merely asking to either fulfill social conventions, or to say that they have asked. I am secretive by nature, and prefer to not examine my own state too deeply, because it feels like a whirlpool that I'll get sucked into and I can't swim. It's definitely easier to say, "I'm okay." and fake a smile, or deflect.

At the same time, I understand the frustration of, when you finally need to either let go of something or yourself, and the person in front of you isn't someone equipped to handle the truth--not even those small ones. Trying to trust is terrifying, and learning whom to trust is a painful process. It's very easy to feel very alone, even when surrounded by people. I often feel that I can never be, honestly, myself. Not with family, not with anyone. Just lift my head up, paint a smile on my face, and walk forward. Luckily, I now have a very small handful of friends whom I can count on to just listen on occasion, if nothing else.

It's been a blessing, but one I still find myself wary of abusing. As someone who is used to being the listener, not the one listened to, I understand too well what people mean when they try to say that they can't handle any more. Different people have different thresholds, and it's difficult to discern where it is for each person. I'd rather not come close to even approaching it, for fear of losing them. When a friend says, "I can't deal with this." it's heartbreaking. I end up feeling like they're saying, "I can't deal with you anymore." I know that's probably not what they meant, but it's how I end up feeling. Then I close up again. Paint the smile back on. "I'm okay. I'm fine. How are you?" Even if I'm breaking inside.

Mirrah I understand what you mean. Sometimes what a person says it not what you hear internally. It feels like so many pieces of myself are missing because over the years they have been chipped away. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but it has bit me in the ass so many times that now I feel life half a person. My mask is on, my smile is in place, but my heart is crumbling. My fiancé has helped me a lot. He is a wonderful man and when we are together I feel more whole. But right now we are not together and with the holidays, it hurts so much. All these people around me and I feel completely alone. I can't really talk about this with anyone because there is no one who can get it because I can't express myself well. I can write my feelings but I can not speak them. It is almost like if I hear it out loud, it makes it more real. Right now I can't deal with more real.


Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. *HUGS FOR ALL*

[Remiel]

Ugh.  Can I get a moderator to delete that last post, please (and this one?)  I was trying to force the image to width 600 and clicked on "Quote".  Thanks.

[Oniya]

Is bye-byed.

Fixed the image while I was at it.

[blue bunny sparkle]

I think I am broken.

[Arianna]

I think I am broken.

Aten't we all...? *offers hugs if wanted*

[CrownedSun]

I think I am broken.

*offers hugs*

Not so broken that you can't put yourself back together again. :-)

[blue bunny sparkle]

Aten't we all...? *offers hugs if wanted*

Thank you. Hugs are always appreciated.

*offers hugs*

Not so broken that you can't put yourself back together again. :-)

I am trying to figure out how. It seems like a long road. But you are right.

[Oniya]

I think I am broken.

Aten't we all...? *offers hugs if wanted*

[CrownedSun]

...thank you for sharing that, Oniya..

That's seriously powerful.

XD

[Nowherewoman]

That is amazing.

[The Lovely Tsaritsa]

This makes me cry, in the wonderful good way. Thank you, for posting Oniya.

blue bunny sparkle, hugs for you.

[blue bunny sparkle]

yes.

[Arianna]

That is an amazing reminder, and very, very much appreciated, Oniya. Thank you.

[HannibalBarca]

I don't know if hugs will hold you together, blue bunny sparkle, but I'm offering them anyway *hugs*

[Remiel]

Very inspirational.  Thank you, Oniya, for sharing that.

And hugs for the blue bunny.

[blue bunny sparkle]

I don't know if hugs will hold you together, blue bunny sparkle, but I'm offering them anyway *hugs*

Very inspirational.  Thank you, Oniya, for sharing that.

And hugs for the blue bunny.

Hugs are lovely things always. Thank you.

[blue bunny sparkle]

I just wanted to say thank you for the kind messages and PM's I've received in the past few days. Depression is a bitch. Depression is a lonely, awful place. The weight is immense, but sometimes it lifts and light comes in again.


(If the below is not allowed, please let me know and I will delete it.)


At the bottom of this post is a link to a website created by Frank Warren, a man who many years ago volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline and wanted to do more. So he created PostSecret. The premise is that carrying secrets around day in and out, hurts us terribly. And the simple act of sharing a secret (of any kind) can be freeing. Anyone with a secret can mail it in to him on a postcard and once a week he posts some anonymously.  Thousands of postcards have been mailed. Frank Warren gives lectures at college campus' about suicide prevention and has also complied books of secrets as well. I believe the proceeds go to suicide prevention. At the bottom of his web page is a link to the International Suicide Prevention Wiki, which is a database of suicide prevention hotlines around the world.

https://postsecret.com/

[AcademicCuriosity9110]

I haven't been in a very good place lately. And I agree, BBS. Depression is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.

There's a poem that I wrote that I would like to share here, because maybe it'll be what someone needs to hear and help. So, without further ado, I give you a piece I call "Cancelled Download."

Cancelled Download

Suicide is a cancelled download of life
Someone who got so tired of waiting for the next update
That they just cancelled it halfway through
They may have been troubled but they didn't deserve that fate

When everything you see is the viruses trying to get in,
It’s hard to see what you’re really getting in your machine
But talk to your friends, they’re your tech support team,
They’ll show you the file labeled life.exe is still clean

Turn on your antivirus, scan the ones and zeroes,
Troubleshoot and see just how much is working right
Have faith that any virus can be removed, any malware deleted,
Clean your hard drive, but don’t cancel your download tonight

The truth is, it’s always a struggle to run your life files
You have to remember, it’s horrid hardware, sloppy software,
But it's unique, because it’s yours, to love and to hate.
And when you can’t make it work, tech support is right there

You can’t reboot when you abort the operation,
You’ve erased your operating system.
It’s gone blue screen of death on you, and
Anyone who says it’s the only way, fuck ‘em

Don’t cancel the download, let it finish
Get the help you need, but you can get that update
Talk to someone, they’ll know your pain,
They’ll help you click the right icons, just you wait

Don’t Ctrl+alt+delete, don’t end the task
I’ve seen too many friends make their machines crash.
It’s never fun to find out the fact that
So many machines can be turned off with a flash.

The blue screen of death can be a relief,
To some, it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen,
Because their software’s stuck in a loop of pain,
And they just want to see the end come on the screen.

But they don’t need to do that, they don’t need to crash it.
They need a debugger, someone to troubleshoot,
They need the help, they need tech support.
But they’ll crash it without someone to help them reboot.

Ignoring the problem, ignoring the security alerts,
Just ruins the machine, lets the problem grow,
Pretending the virus isn’t there doesn’t make it disappear
It lets it ruin everything you know.

Accept that there are things that get through the firewall,
That anything could be the trigger that makes someone crash
Their machine, that an invisible virus is still a virus,
That sometimes a listening ear stops the abort, prevents the flash

You may not know how to fix life.exe,
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done
Let a fresh eye look at the situation,
Let them tell you, “Hey, I know this one.”

But sometimes, they don’t do that,
Sometimes, the red flag emails are called spam,
And they get ignored until it’s too late,
And then nothing can help them get out of their jam.

Not everyone can fix every error, even when they see it
But they ignore it because they think someone else can.
But we’re not all the same tech support people,
We don’t all have a book that says, “Here’s the software plan.”

[Remiel]

Thank you for sharing that, AcademicCuriosity.