Random Simpsons Quote

[alahendra]

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems." -- Homer

[Vandren]

"That must be a lot of sex!" - Grandpa Simpson
"I said wives, not girlfriends." - his brother

[Eyeomancer]

"Phhh.  Facts.  You can prove anything, no matter how remotely true, with facts." - Homer Simpson

[Xerial]

"I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.` - Homer

[Vandren]

"Who made Steve Guttenburg a star?  We do, we do!"
- The Stonecutters

[Vandren]

"We are Playdude Playmates!  We are Playdude Playmates!"
-Bart and Milhouse

[Lanzlo]

"Wooh! Look at that blubber fly!" -Homer

[Vandren]

"and he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy."
-Apu's niece (re: Principal Skinner)

[Lancis]

"dough the stuff that buys me beer, ray the guy that sells me beer, me the one who drinks the beer, fa the distance to my beer, so lets drink some beer, la la la la la beer, Ti no thanks i'm drinking beer!  *looks at the empty can* Doh!

[WyldRanger]

"Mr. Simpson, are you wearing a grocery sack?"

-Homer "I have misplaced...my pants"

[SerpentKiss]

Homer : I was going to right a book, but I got stuck on a title. Something like 'No work and no play make Homer something something.'
Marge : 'Go crazy'?
Homer : Don't mind if I do, Marge...BLAAAARGHHH!!!

[Muff Diver]

"My ears are burning! No, really, they are! I wanted to look inside so I lit a qiutip." Homer

[Mathim]

"I'm not allowed in the grown-up library anymore. There was some...unpleasantness, I can never go back." -Homer

"See you in hell, dinner plate!" -Homer

And Homer's opinion on guns:
"I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!"
"Five days? But I'm mad now!"

[jstarz]

Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Fridaynight --
Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's.  I, I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right?  But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out!  Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese?  Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm.  They call 'em, "shakes."

[Mathim]

LOL, I remember that one; from an episode titled "22 Short Films About Springfield", which is a parody of the title of a movie (I forget exactly which city it was in that title) and that scene was a parody of Pulp Fiction when Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta were talking about movie theatres in Europe where you could buy and drink alcohol while you watched a movie.

Here's how Homer teaches Bart about sex:

Homer: "Do you know what a boob is?"
Bart: "(Laughing) Oh, yeah!"
Switch camera to outside the house looking down from above. Bart screams loudly and runs to house next door.
Bart: "So, the parents..."
Bart and Milhouse both scream. They each run to a different neighboring house.
Bart and Milhouse: "And so then they..."
Bart, Milhouse and two other children scream. All four of them run into four more different houses. The cycle continues until basically every child in Springfield has a different, horrifying idea of what sex is. Homer has been watching the progress and wipes his hands clean.
Homer: "Well, better they hear it from each other than from someone who knows what they're talking about."

[Vandren]

Here's how Homer teaches Bart about sex:

Homer: "Do you know what a boob is?"
Bart: "(Laughing) Oh, yeah!"
Switch camera to outside the house looking down from above. Bart screams loudly and runs to house next door.
Bart: "So, the parents..."
Bart and Milhouse both scream. They each run to a different neighboring house.
Bart and Milhouse: "And so then they..."
Bart, Milhouse and two other children scream. All four of them run into four more different houses. The cycle continues until basically every child in Springfield has a different, horrifying idea of what sex is. Homer has been watching the progress and wipes his hands clean.
Homer: "Well, better they hear it from each other than from someone who knows what they're talking about."

Or the (more) correct (but probably not entirely so) version:

Homer: "Do you know what a boob is?"
Bart: (laughing) "Oh yeah."
Homer: "That'll make things a lot easier."
. . . .
Homer: "Well, better they hear it from me now than from their parents when they're old enough."

[Mathim]

Hey, I tried. It's been like two years since I saw that episode. I don't even remember what else happened in it.

Homer's Barbershop Quartet was a good early episode, here's a funny quote from Homer's manager:

"I think we should keep your marriage a secret. You see, women are going to want to have sex with you and we want them to think they can."

[SubmissiveDominance]

I'm Idaho! - Ralph Wiggum

Lousy rotten karmic retribution! - Homer

That's not how you spell dumbenng! - Lisa

You smell like dead bunnies. - Ralph

[BaronS]

"Baby....maybe its the beer talking but you have a butt that wont quit.  They have these chewy pretzels...(totally incoherent rambling) FIVE DOLLARS?!  Get outta here..." - Homer's love postcard

"We're a totem pole!" - Ralph.

[SubmissiveDominance]

Fun toys are fun. -Ralph

They taste like burning! -Ralph

My sash says "Ulltraman" -Ralph (sash says "Hall Monitor")

I made it! And with hardly any brain damage-amage-amage. -Homer

I'm a unitard! -Ralph (has an ice cream cone on forehead)

[Eseleon]

Mike Rotch?  Mike Rotch?  Has anyone seen Mike Rotch lately?  - Moe, responding to Bart's prank call

[Autumn Sativus]

"I think I wet my bed..." - Ralph

"I'm happy AND angry!" - Ralph