What do you mean I'm not working?

[Lilias]

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:

• If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue.'
• If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process.'
• If you don't know whether it's worth doing, call it an 'option.'
• If you don't know how it could possibly be done, call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity.'
• If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers.'
• If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you.
• If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate.
• If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground the issue,' followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in.'
• Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing.'
• Never call something a failure or mistake, it's a 'positive learning experience.'
• Never argue, have an 'adult conversation.'


Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace:

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat.
• Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss' boss off your boss' back.
• Everything can be filed under "pending."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

[Inkidu]

And now you know how Scott Adams came up with Dilbert! My favorite Sunday comic. Wally is my hero.