A Cluttered Mind

[Daeva]

First I have to start by saying this is the first time ever I've written a blog entry of any kind. In fact, the first time I heard people talking about their blogs, I had to ask them what a blog even was. The best explanation anyone was able to give me, was that it was an online journal or diary of thoughts, but as I read through the various entries here on E, I found it is so much more than that, so to anyone who might read this, I ask you to please bear with me as the thoughts that come to me that I like to expand on may seem random and out of order, but somewhere in my mind it all makes sense.

I love to read and I love to write, so it was a natural step to do both of those here. I joined this site several months ago, and while it might seem strange to say, its given me a boost in self confidence. You see that's not something I have a lot of. Its easy to fake it, a few well placed comments that make people roll their eyes from the size of your ego and no one would believe you are sitting there on the other side of the keyboard biting your nails straight off the first few times you post something for fear that what you put up wasn't worthy of anyone's attention. The more I've written and with some truly wonderful people I've met here, I've learned that I have to be happy with what I put out there, I'm not writing for someone else's approval but for myself first.

As strange as it sounds, at least to me, that fear of looking the failure in a complete strangers eyes that I will most likely never speak to more than a few words outside of our stories, has pushed me to set a higher standard for myself. Some people find their inspiration in pictures, in something they see out their window, in their lives, I find inspiration in fear, fear of failing, fear of someone reading it thinking how much I suck. Then it hits me, the people I'm terrified are going to judge me could possibly be feeling the exact same thing. That thought I think, I hope, has taught me to be kind regardless of what I think or feel.

I never would have thought to learn anything from a roleplaying site. I am glad to say I was wrong. I hope to continue writing this, get thoughts off of my mind, feelings off my chest, for now, I believe that's all.

[Soran]

Worthy thoughts...I also have the same kind of fear that I will write something that my partner will think 'damn, that's a lot of rubbish', it's one of the reasons I like to be feeling good before I write a post..I always want to give the best within me. I think that most people on E want to give a really good post and I believe we all have the same kind of fear.

Not many have the guts to say so though...kudos FLN. I look forward to your next blog!