Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Rhedyn]

I also hope that you don't delete it Zaakmaal. I think it is important to keep these things once you find the strength to put them into words. It is one of the reasons I write blogs, because I get to say what I need to say, put it out in the public domain and thus making it impossible for me to deny how I felt when I wrote it. It helps me to be able to do that.

*offers hugs*

I'm glad that you have found some comfort in reading all of our posts here and I hope that you are able to find more in connecting with us through our shared experiences.

[Night Stalker]

Good Thoughts and Hugs for all

[Sybl]

First, I would like to welcome Zaakmaal, to the threads. *hugs* I know how you feel, I really do.

Today is an anniversary date of a horrific event in my life. I can relate to every one here in almost every way.
Though I have a lot to be thankful for, part of me wishes to stop the memories once and for all.

I don't need anything, but the nightmares and the memories to just go away. Not too much to ask, is it?

Yeah, I guess it is, because they are still here.

So...today, I drop off *hugs* and say my PM box and my yahoo is open, if any one dares.

I love you all- really.

Sybl

[Night Stalker]

First, I would like to welcome Zaakmaal, to the threads. *hugs* I know how you feel, I really do.

Today is an anniversary date of a horrific event in my life. I can relate to every one here in almost every way.
Though I have a lot to be thankful for, part of me wishes to stop the memories once and for all.

I don't need anything, but the nightmares and the memories to just go away. Not too much to ask, is it?

Yeah, I guess it is, because they are still here.

So...today, I drop off *hugs* and say my PM box and my yahoo is open, if any one dares.

I love you all- really.

Sybl

~hugs~

[Sybl]

~hugs~

*hugs back*

[Ophelia Jaxon]

Ok. So I was going to write this somewhere else, but decided it might help people believe that things in life can always change. I'm not doing a spell or grammar check because I might lose my nerve and not post it. Here's my story. Every single thing in it is 100% true.

Well, it's a bit backwards for me. When it happened I was too young to get it so it wasn't a big thing. When I got older I started out hating myself because those things happened...you know? Must have been my fault and whatnot...I could pretend that nothing happened. Could sit at the family dinner table and talk about the day with the assfaces. When I was sixteen (maybe 17) My brother finally left me alone and God I was relieved.

It wasn't until I was about 20 that I started the bitter process, maybe it's because my mind was full of wanting to get married and start a family. I felt guilty that I wasn't very pure for my future hubby (Catholic school upbringing) It sucked. I couldn't think of any reason why anyone would want me for the long haul. Spoiled goods and all that.

It got worse when I found out my mother had KNOWN. She's the one who let me know that the things I was remembering about my brother and sisters dad were real and not things made up. It made me feel...I don't know. I can't really explain it. I wasn't as shocked as I should have been. Ijust took it as it came. Mum knew and that was that. One night when I was 16 she confessed everything. She didn't know about my brother, but she knew that whenever her boyfriend was alone with me he'd fiddle around. She said things would have been different if h'd outright had sex with me (apparantly touching is ok, sex is not) Then she told m how her current husband would come in my room at night and watch me sleep. And then she convinced me to work for her.

I might as well have worked for her, I had nothing to lose. Even then I held no resentment for her. I'd go out about five or six times a night 'babysitting' for one of the girls (my mum owned an escor t agency) I gave her all of my money. I might have cried and not been able to look at myself in the mirror, but I was happy that we could actually have proper food on the table, instead of canned spaghetti, soup or hotdogs. No one knew what I was doing. I refused to talk about it when she asked about it. I was doing it, it didn't mean that I needed to remind myself that I was doing it.

I hated the lying. That was the worst of it. I had someone that went a bit too far and I ended in hospital, had to lie and say one of the girls boyfriends came home and freaked out. I was glad I was in hospital. It was a week before my mother started laying on the guilt. My sister needed new shoes. My broher needed this. She needed that.. was being selfish for not spreading my legs to the world.

I was still in highschool and dreading the day one of my teachers would be there as I walked into their homes or the studio.

You know. I don'tknow how I endfed the way I am now. I've been fondled, raped, had the shit kicked out of me by boyfriends, used by my mother and once living on the streets (Her hubby hit me and I left) but I never turned into a drunk or ever done any drugs. I don't hold any hard feelinings for people (The nasty feelings come up sometimes...like lastnight, but they don't last). Instead I've turned into...Me. Ha. I like my life and everything about it. I like myself (most of the time) and I wouldn't change a thing.

Once I do admit I had suicide feelings. I was sixteen, just started working for my mum pretending I was 18 (long blonde hair, slim, pale, C cup breasts...no one looked past that) My boyfriend had just dumped me, my brothr moved back into the house...All those memories always in my mind. Mums boyfriend was being extra nasty while her husband was being grabby. My health went way way down because I just couldn't give a crap about anything anymore. The school was on my case because I'd made myself so sick that i was too ill to go in. I just wanted it all to go away.

I remember it happening. I was sat in the livingroom, mum on the couch, her boyfriiend sat with her. I don't know what the problem was, but he said something to me. It was mean and uncalled for. He wasn't high so he'd take his anger out on me rather than my mum or his flesh and blood children. He was calling me all sorts. A cunt. Lazy worthless slut...Now never talked back, but I just blurted out that I'd rather be a slut then an asshole. He came at me. Like...I've never in me life seen anyone move so bloody fast. He was so mad that I'd called him an asshole that his fist went THROUGH the wall right beside my head. God am I glad I moved so quick. I cried and shouted at him that if he couldn't tke it he shouldn't fucking dish it out. (I remember what t was now! I'd had a glass of pepsi and apparantly he had bought it which meant it was for him or my younger sibs...or was it I had some cereal...one of the two)

He hhit me and hit me. I didn't fight back, only tried to defend myself. After a little while, I managed to get myself out of the crner I was in and run to my room. Thank god I'd had a lock put on my door. I cut y wrists. I thought if I could just die, then it'd be over. There'd be no more bruises, I wouldn't be so sick all the time. Wouldn't be so tired, couldn't be used anymore or shouted at or made to feel worthless. It'd be over.

The minute the blood started to flow I changed my mind. I could't go out of my room. I was far too frightened, so i grabbed a t-shir and pressd, hen a pair of nylons and wrapped them tight around my wrist and tied them. I stayed in my room for a week. Only coming out to pee at late nights. I didn't eat, didn't go to school...The bruises had to go anyway before I would be allowed to go to school.

I ot a bit ahead of myself there. When I cut my wrist all these thoughts came into my head. Why? My life was shit, absolute shit. I hated myself and hated veryone around me, but...If I killed yself then I'd never get to better myself. I'd never get to see these kid touchers and sister rapers suffer. I would miss way too much. There's always a chance things could get better, just as there was a chance they could get worse. I'd always wanted to get married and have babies and Love. God I had so much love in me that at times I just wanted to burst with it. No one had ever loved me, but that didn't mean that no one ever would.

When I didn't die from the cuts I made I tried to think positive. I'd be out one day. I wasn't going to be a whore the rest of my life. I wasn't going to hate myself for doing it. I wasn't going to think of the nasty people in my life. I would just...go on living with the hopes everything would turn out ok.

I was 20 years old when I'd finally had enough and left home. I left home ay 3am, moved halfway across the world. I didn't tell anyone and I've not seen anyone since. I have a boyfriend who I adore. He doesn't hit me or shout at me or ignore me. I've learned to actually like sex. His kids live with us since I moved in and finally the love I'd always wanted I can share with people.

When I came here it was nothing but relief. My mum and me talked on the phone like...three times a week and she'd keep me updated n family crap... Funny my older brother refused to talk to ME because I ran away...like seriously. He raped me when I was 4 until I was 16/17 and he's the one to not talk to ME asshole, I should be the one not to want to talk to him. When my mum died I did feel a bit empty, and still...every now and again I feel guilty that I didn't fly back for her funeral, but I just couldn't face my family. She was th only one I liked so what was the point of going back?

It wored you know? Here I am, happy and loved. My older brother is miserable. He washes dishes for a living, has a girlfriend who he hates and who hates him. He's gotten fat and relies on durgs to live. My mums hubby it turns out had Huntingtons Correa and is dead now. her boyfrind? Well...He doesn't have a job, his kids can't stand im and he's not allowed to see his grandchildren.

I'm so glad that cutting my wrists didn't kill me.

[Starlequin]

I'm so glad that cutting my wrists didn't kill me.

So am I, Ophelia. So very glad. And I'm very proud, and inspired, that you found your way out of that darkness. I hope your light continues to shine for a great many years to come. *offers hugs*

[Ophelia Jaxon]

So am I, Ophelia. So very glad. And I'm very proud, and inspired, that you found your way out of that darkness. I hope your light continues to shine for a great many years to come. *offers hugs*

Not enough people find it out of the dark place. If I had to live that shit life before having my life now It was worth it. I get down sometimes when I have too much time to think about stuff, but then I see the man or the kids get in from school and it washes away all the bitterness and resentment.

If all those things made me who I am today? Well...I like who I am today and wouldn't want to change a thing.

*takes the hugs!*

Thank You.

[Starlequin]

That's a fact, and no mistake. I know what you mean, though. I've been telling myself for years that it will all be worth it, someday. Sometimes I even believe it. But until then, I still generally like who I am most days, and at least I'm at home in the dark.

*hugs are always on offer :D *

[Sybl]

[Ok. So I was going to write this somewhere else, but decided it might help people believe that things in life can always change. I'm not doing a spell or grammar check because I might lose my nerve and not post it. Here's my story. Every single thing in it is 100% true.]



[When I didn't die from the cuts I made I tried to think positive. I'd be out one day. ]

[His kids live with us since I moved in and finally the love I'd always wanted I can share with people.]

[When my mum died I did feel a bit empty, and still...every now and again I feel guilty that I didn't fly back for her funeral, but I just couldn't face my family. She was th only one I liked so what was the point of going back?]

[Here I am, happy and loved.]

[[[I'm so glad that cutting my wrists didn't kill me.]]]

*Hugs Ophelia*

Your story is an inspiration Ophelia. You made it out of the mire. I am so happy for you. I can relate to some of your past, not all, enough to know there is truly a way out from the hell that our minds keep hidden. There is a reason the suicide attempts didn't work, I have had more than my share of fouled attempts.

My Mom is up there in age, and I just recently discussed with her why I would not be attending her funeral. Siblings. Plus she won't be there either. Why put myself where I know I will be hated any ways.

I am thankful you posted your true story. What might appear to some people as a horrific story, and nothing more, those people are the lucky ones who never had to deal with life being worse than any fictional story could ever be.

I admire your strength and will to survive. You are an awesome woman. Thank you Ophelia.

[Athos]

I'm so glad you chose to share your story Ophelia, thank you so much. It's truly inspiring to hear, though I'm sorry that you've had to live through such crap.

[Ophelia Jaxon]

Thank you for your comments. I'm glad I finally posted that. I've wanted to for a long time now, just couldn't build up the nerve. Did a lot of typing it out and deleting it ha. I did leave quite a few things out, but that was the worst of it (I think).

I'm so glad you chose to share your story Ophelia, thank you so much. It's truly inspiring to hear, though I'm sorry that you've had to live through such crap.

Thank You. xx

[Adammair]

*hugs Ophelia with great caring and warmth*

Too many quotes to add in here with the little time I have right now, but suffice it to say I agree with Athos's and Sybl's words of hope.

I will try to be back on later, to recount my own story.

Much love.

Continue to hold onto hope.

[Ariabella]

*Hugs to all and then scoots back out*

[Yotna]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I first saw depression when I was 10 - my mum had a chronic spell in the mid sixties. This developed into full blown bipolar - just in time for my coming of age - the first legal thing I did was sign to have my mum sectioned under the mental health act. Turns out the depression gene (but the good news not the bioplar shade) had carried a generation. I became ill in the  mid 1980's and had relapses for 12 years. Then I finally got put on seroxat (SSRI) and I have been fine since (as long as I take the tablets).

I have just recovered from an autoimmune disease that started to mess me around in 2005.

I'm here I exist and I'm your problem  ;D Tee hee.

I am a much stornger and compassionate man than I was. The thing that I try to use to explain depression is:- Imagine you wake up and go to the bathroom you catch your reflection out of the corner of your eye, but avoid looking - for you detest the sad excuse for a person that stares back at you - for me that is depression.  :'(

[Ariabella]

A very apt description...I won't even look in the direction of the mirror. The psychologist I'm going to wants me on anti-depressants, I told the new primary care, no pills. She was going to send them a message requesting it but I've not heard anything. But then, I've not heard anything on my referral for a vascular doctor for the lymphedema either.r Which all adds up to what I am about to sum it up with:

After a life time of realizing that I am not important enough to anyone, not even to get medical care I need, I don't think there is a pill in the world that is going to make me better. Even my two cats have stopped associating with me as of the end of September. If I go to where they are (they won't leave my father's room) they'll tolerate me, but no visits, no more cuddling, nothing.

[Sybl]

A very apt description...I won't even look in the direction of the mirror. The psychologist I'm going to wants me on anti-depressants, I told the new primary care, no pills. She was going to send them a message requesting it but I've not heard anything. But then, I've not heard anything on my referral for a vascular doctor for the lymphedema either.r Which all adds up to what I am about to sum it up with:

After a life time of realizing that I am not important enough to anyone, not even to get medical care I need, I don't think there is a pill in the world that is going to make me better. Even my two cats have stopped associating with me as of the end of September. If I go to where they are (they won't leave my father's room) they'll tolerate me, but no visits, no more cuddling, nothing.

You matter to me, and you matter to the rest of us who post at this thread.

The medical professionals suck, to put it mildly. Mental health is a real illness, and I believe deep down there is a cure besides the anti-depression pills that cause constant ringing of the ears,  (that no one but the person taking them can hear). I am positive that the health (care?) field are filled with many losers (not all) who no longer care about us, it is all about insurance the almighty dollar. 4 Years ago I had a bad fall, in the garden, resulting in a wooden stake puncturing my calf, 50 stitches and 4 years later, still having problems with infections and healing. I was told last week, IF someone would have taken the time to do the right thing, I would not be in the shape I am now. Lymphedma is a good(?) possibility that my leg has lymph damage and is draining fluids that if they would have given me the time of day, I would not be in this mess.

I see you have it too, I think this rather sucks for all of us who are ignored by medical personnel.  Then they wonder why we get depressed. Sure, there are factors besides this that cause depression. I have PTSD, so, what? The medical staffs all over the USA could care less.

If you wish to PM me at any time, even if I am not here, I will get notice in my email.

Bottom line, you matter, you do, and you count, don't let the bad guys win!!

I personally think 'most' doctors just wish we would all go away.

[Ariabella]

I agree about the medical field. People used to go in to it to care for people, but now it's about the money. I keep hearing where the doctors don't make as much as we think. Hmm...well let's see, million dollar houses, designer clothing, expensive boats and cars...yeah...sorry, not believing it.

It's thought that my lymphedema is hereditary. It no longer responds to what I learned in therapy for it last year. The government doesn't consider it a disability (though it's on the list), so I can only find anything that's part time and put up with co-workers who can't understand why I have to take many breaks (Yeah, they don't understand what it's like to run around on your feet all day with a leg that feels like it weighs fifty pounds or more). The therapist is supposed to be teaching me coping mechanisms but all she does is let me talk and then says the time is up. Last time she was questioning the wisdom in my turning down a job that was .50 an hour less, 6 less hours a week and no guarantee it would even last past the holidays.

And this new doctor said that with the lymphedema, the only job I should be doing is telemarketing because of keeping the leg elevated. Yeah, that should do wonders for my mental health.

[Rhedyn]

*leaves hugs and good thoughts for all*

[Night Stalker]

Leaves lots of hugs and Good Thoughts for all to enjoy.

[Sybl]

*Leaves an extra dose of love and hugs for all who need it this week*

[InariShiftskin]

Ugh....

Here I was hoping that my Seasonal Affective Disorder wouldn't be so bad this year, because it wasn't last winter, and boy, I think I'm wrong, it's just kicking me left right and center, even with the light therapy, which happens to be triggering minor bouts of mania. Wee.

So I either end up in the middle of the living room floor, sobbing enough I almost make myself sick for reasons I don't understand if the poor SO isn't bearing the brunt of it, or I can't sleep, my body refuses to let me know when I'm hungry, so I don't end up eating unless I force myself to, because I don't feel hungry and I'm irritable because of it. My neck is aching constantly because of it too with the tension headaches around a damaged vertebra , and it's kicking the tar out of my muse along with it.

One of my closest online friends has taken offence to something I pointed out to them that they needed to hear even if they didn't like it, so I'm being ignored though I'm still expected to post in the room (another site) with them, and the other players, but I know I'll just get ignored by the one already mad at me, so I didn't play. I can't try to talk to him and apologize because I didn't do anything wrong in my eyes, and already tried to anyway, and it's an /old/ argument. Makes me want to tell him exactly what sort of a spoiled child he's being.

Christmas is annoyingly close, which means all kinds of pressure from the dad's side of the family to act like their favorite grandchild, plus squalling newborn cousins, and twenty eight more people for christmas dinner....

Oh, and did I mention not being able to have my SO there, because our family things tend to happen at the same time for christmas, so he'll be at his?

I'd much rather be at his too, but... Keeping up appearances and all, and I can't leave my mom to bear the family alone, as her are all in the US.

-sigh-

That, and the constant bombardment of discordant noise when I'm there, because my immediate family insists on listening to things on all three laptops congregated in the livingroom, with the TV and surround sound system blaring away with whatever they're watching on top of whatever they might be youtubing at the same time. At home, it's pretty quiet and peaceful, and if I ask them to turn anything down, I get snarled at, so I usually end up with a migraine.

Ho, ho, bloody ho, and a merry bleeping christmas.

-skulks off to pack-

[Rhedyn]

*hugs Inari and lends her support*

I'm sorry you're feeling rough dear and despite all the negativity I really do hope you have a nice time, at least it will be over soon! In the meantime Happy Winter Solstice, I'll be sending you some positive energy today so you just hang on in there  ;)

[Adammair]

*hugs Inari and lends his support*

Ditto on what Rhedyn said... *smiles warmly and offers extra-warm, tight hugs to any and all that need them*

[Night Stalker]

Good Thoughts and Hugs for all