Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Remiel]

Caedy, you are amazing. I know all too well the debilitating effects of depression and anxiety, and to wake up every day and go to a job you abhor takes an unbelievable amount of strength.  Don't give up. We're rooting for you.

[Beautiful Mystery]

I finally picked up my new medicine today. Tomorrow starts the new anti-depressant.

The year of 2017 has been rather... bad to be honest. I have noticed that my medicine was working less and less over the passing months. I never expect to take a pill and have it make me happy 24/7 and nothing bothers me. However, my medicine isn't even bringing me to what I consider a baseline. I am fine with being at a baseline. Where the day is neither amazing nor terrible it is just... there. Again, I would take that over bad days. But the medicine I was on wasn't even doing that. I have been on and off that medicine since I was in high school. It just...stopped working. At first, it was gradual where I just thought that perhaps my last semester was taking a toll on me. But within about the last month, it has just spiraled to the point where I was about ready to crash and burn.

Most days, I found myself just wanting to stay in bed and sleep. To be honest, there were a few days that I just didn't even deal and went back to bed instead of going to class. Thankfully that wasn't very often but I had to constantly tell myself that school was way more important. It was a constant struggle. Meanwhile, I just wanted nothing more to come home and sleep. I still did things like run my errands and go out on the weekends to run errands but I just felt more or less like I was going through the motions.

Honestly, when I look back, I am a little scared by the fact that I hid this so well from everyone. The fact that I can smile and make it out like I am perfectly fine. That I even made jokes and acted like it was no big deal. Meanwhile, I honestly thought I was on the verge of having a total meltdown. The month of April has been the worst month for me in a long time. I know the stress of finals/family issues hasn't helped but I have been struggling to cope.

I called to get into my doctor near the beginning of the month but she didn't have an appointment until May 1st. I wasn't about ready to lie and say I had suicidal thoughts (which I don't have) in order to get an appointment. But the fact that I mentioned I was not doing well/needed to talk about my depression medicine didn't phase the person (who never even booked my appointment) but I digress.

Tomorrow starts a new day with new medicine. I hope it works because anything is better than this month. >.<

[Remiel]

I've heard of this happening.  Hope the new medicine works better.  :\

[Caedy]

Caedy, you are amazing. I know all too well the debilitating effects of depression and anxiety, and to wake up every day and go to a job you abhor takes an unbelievable amount of strength.  Don't give up. We're rooting for you.

I'm trying very hard to not give up.  <3

[Rhedyn]

Honestly, when I look back, I am a little scared by the fact that I hid this so well from everyone. The fact that I can smile and make it out like I am perfectly fine.

This is super scary when you realise it. I did the exact same thing very efficiently when I had post natal depression with my first born. I faked my way through the tests and regular appointments with health visitors who were looking out for symptoms of what I had. I didn't even realise I was really doing it at the time until I was out of that place and looked back. I told myself I would never do that again. It has been a hard promise to keep but one I have been trying really hard to do.

Also I wanted to say, I'm so proud of you for going back to your doctor.

I'm trying very hard to not give up.  <3

You are doing amazing, even when it feels like you're not making much progress just hanging in there is excellent <3

[thebobmaster]

Once again, using this blog as a reason to vent about my issues. I can't do it with my mother, because she's already stressed out enough. And I can't really do it with my brother, because I don't want him to know just how bad it is.

I'm not sure if I'm quite suicidal. The reason I'm not sure is because I haven't really thought about it in terms of "I'd be better off dead." I'm more in line with thinking "My family would have been better off if I wasn't here." My brother has a ton of issues, and I don't seem to be able to do anything for him except enable him, because I don't have the confidence to stop him without worrying about setting off an anxiety attack on his part, or getting upset with me. As for my mother, I feel like about all I do with her is cost her money by being another mouth to feed.

I've been going through life one day at a time, but I've been going like this for 15 years, and it's not gotten any easier. I don't know how to deal with this, since I can't afford a psychologist, and I'm needed for my brother to get a ride a lot of the time, so I don't really have much free time. I don't think I want to kill myself. I just want it to be over, if that makes any sense.

[Remiel]

Sorry to hear that, bobmaster.  If it helps, I sincerely doubt that your family would be better off without you in their lives.   It may not feel like it, but I'm sure you're helping them in a small but substantial way.

[Rhedyn]

Sorry to hear that, bobmaster.  If it helps, I sincerely doubt that your family would be better off without you in their lives.   It may not feel like it, but I'm sure you're helping them in a small but substantial way.

+1

~offers hugs to thebobmaster~

You are more than welcome to vent here and I really hope that it helps to release it in some way. You are valued and needed. Sometimes, I think, it's easy to lose sight of that, depression or not, because the people that we need to hear it from forget to say it.

[Hunter]

Once again, using this blog as a reason to vent about my issues.

I believe that the expression is something like:  "Some things can only be shared with strangers."    I've decades of experience with bottling up what few feelings I have and I know how that can affect you.    It's better to vent somewhere, even it's only to a wall or the radio in the car, than to let it fester.

[Oniya]

I believe that the expression is something like:  "Some things can only be shared with strangers."   

I think this is why the trope of people opening up to bartenders exists.

[Exaelitus]

Once again, using this blog as a reason to vent about my issues. I can't do it with my mother, because she's already stressed out enough. And I can't really do it with my brother, because I don't want him to know just how bad it is.

I'm not sure if I'm quite suicidal. The reason I'm not sure is because I haven't really thought about it in terms of "I'd be better off dead." I'm more in line with thinking "My family would have been better off if I wasn't here." My brother has a ton of issues, and I don't seem to be able to do anything for him except enable him, because I don't have the confidence to stop him without worrying about setting off an anxiety attack on his part, or getting upset with me. As for my mother, I feel like about all I do with her is cost her money by being another mouth to feed.

I've been going through life one day at a time, but I've been going like this for 15 years, and it's not gotten any easier. I don't know how to deal with this, since I can't afford a psychologist, and I'm needed for my brother to get a ride a lot of the time, so I don't really have much free time. I don't think I want to kill myself. I just want it to be over, if that makes any sense.

I usually lurk, and I have lurked your post here and there at different times. I am not sure if you are looking for a commentary or recommendation. May I offer some advice?
It may be a little harsh, and you may wish me to send something privately if you are wanting any feed back at all.
Please let me know.

[Rhedyn]

I wanted to leave this here since it's Mental Health Awareness Week over here in the UK:



Clicking the banner will take you to the mentalhealth.org.uk website where there's a load of information, discussion and perception of this year's theme Surviving or Thriving.

[Sofia Grace]

Sharing this here because it's always nice to hear the feels put into more eloquent words than brains sometimes allow:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqu4ezLQEUA

[Verasaille]

Just...wow....that hits so many nails, its damned scary.

[Rhedyn]

Sharing this here because it's always nice to hear the feels put into more eloquent words than brains sometimes allow:

Still as powerful now as the first time I watched this <3

[Sofia Grace]

"Someday I’m going to have a child. She’s
going to have eyes like mine and such small
hands. Just like she’ll need me alive then,
she needs me alive now. I can’t say
goodbye before I’ve had a chance to say hello."

               - Neil Hilborn

[Rhedyn]

Wow. That hit a spot for me. One of the worst forms my depression took was when I had post natal depression after having my eldest 12 years ago. It was one of the longest, lowest points of my life. Her presence was what kept me going because I knew she needed me alive to take care of her.

[Sofia Grace]

I get a lot of clients struggling with serious depressive episodes just after having their little ones.  The reason I like that excerpt (it's from a book he's working on) is that it could apply to so many things - to depression, to addiction... anything, really.

I have a friend who went through a terrible battle with cancer for two years and she says day in and day out that her son is the reason she's alive.  Her cancer ran her into the ground and more often than not we thought she wouldn't make it through any given day.  Anyone else probably would have lost the will to live, and I don't say that lightly.  That little boy got her through it. 

[Sofia Grace]

[CrownedSun]

I knew, when I saw that this place had updated, that it'd cheer me up a bit and so I made a point of coming here and reading the new posts. :D

Been having a bit of a hard time lately, so thanks, ya'll are the bestest.

[Raveled]

I don't know if there's a word for what I'm feeling. I don't think I'm suicidal exactly. I don't really want to kill myself. I just don't think I'm contribute anything. I know if I died I'd make my parents sad and I don't want to do that. My parents are old and have health problems and I don't want to contribute to that. But once they pass I don't know if I have a reason to stick around. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and have been for awhile. I don't know why I'm sticking around.

[AmberStarfire]

I don't know if there's a word for what I'm feeling. I don't think I'm suicidal exactly. I don't really want to kill myself. I just don't think I'm contribute anything. I know if I died I'd make my parents sad and I don't want to do that. My parents are old and have health problems and I don't want to contribute to that. But once they pass I don't know if I have a reason to stick around. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and have been for awhile. I don't know why I'm sticking around.

I think a lot about how life feels is in how we see and approach life. When we're young, we do more things.. varied, different things, and then when we get older, we cut down on them and streamline those things to less, but sometimes things are lacking that add richness to life. The feeling I get is that a new path would help, a new direction you haven't been before.. or not in a long time. As for life, it's precious. We each have the power to cause a lot of hurt or give a lot of help to a LOT of people. If life could be wasted in death, it could also be used constructively, and there's a certain truth in that helping others, it helps yourself too. I think you could find a reason to stick around (a purpose), even if it's one you have to make or find yourself.

[Autumn52]

I needed this today. Some days it is worse than others, but when my physical body gives me as much trouble as it has been lately I tend to lose faith, hope....or whatever keeps me going. Reading this reminded me that I have to keep struggling, I just have to. Thank you for posting this. <click.....saved>

[Remiel]

I don't know if there's a word for what I'm feeling. I don't think I'm suicidal exactly. I don't really want to kill myself. I just don't think I'm contribute anything. I know if I died I'd make my parents sad and I don't want to do that. My parents are old and have health problems and I don't want to contribute to that. But once they pass I don't know if I have a reason to stick around. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and have been for awhile. I don't know why I'm sticking around.

I know exactly what you mean, Raveled.  I can relate to this immensely.  I wish I had some words of comfort and encouragement for you, but I'm having enough difficulty rationalizing my own continued presence on this planet.  It's not that I want to die, exactly; it's just that I no longer have the desire to live, and haven't for some time.  I'm just...subsisting, for lack of a better term.  If there was a socially acceptable way of ending my own existence I think I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I think the only thing that gives me pause is the knowledge that suicide is an action that can't be undone; you can't change your mind or say "just kidding".  Anyway, I thought I'd just mention that you're not alone in this.

Thank you for sharing this, Sofia.

[Verasaille]

I can relate to what is being discussed. I am 69 now, and I have been having the same kinds of feelings. My parents are gone. I have no one living with me now besides my cat. My sister is not going to stay. She is headed back to Alaska. She is happier up there and at least will have a job and a place to stay.

I know I have my grandkids and my two sons. I am very torn about this. On one hand I love them very much, but on the other hand, I do not have a desire to live with any of them. Truth be told I prefer living alone. I can do what I like and not have to answer to anyone. I can travel, or stay home. I can play games on my computer all night long and no one tells me to get to bed. (except the cat, and she is just a pest I love dearly and put up with her!)

I have to face the reality of the situation. I am not getting younger, and my health will deteriorate sooner or later to the point I should not be alone. I saw what dementia and Alzheimer's did to my mother. I know I am probably going to be there in a few years. I even gave some thought to renting out my spare bedroom to someone who can be there for me, even if its not 24/7. I know I would have to be very careful and screen applicants thoroughly.

But I am inherently lazy and I hate to clean house and even cook for myself. I gave up on the idea of a companion years ago. I am not looking for someone to bring me their problems. My life now consists of playing games, writing and sleeping. That sounds pathetic! I know, but I have no ambition to do anything else.

I took a trip this last weekend to a pirate festival. Took me four hours to drive up there, and I stayed at a cheap motel. I had fun, even though it was really HOT and I had to stop and rest a lot. I am really out of shape!! I know I need to get out more often. Actually planning another trip over the 4th. If I could find a good place to rent for a few days, I would. Now I have to be concerned with money too. I cannot get carried away!

You know how they say you need a vacation to unwind and refresh yourself? Well, that trip was hard on me. The long drive, the heat and the exhaustion nearly did me in. I was more tired when I came back!! It seems ironic it takes me a couple of days to recover after a vacation!

The worst thing is, I do not see much in the way of a future for me. I have no one who inspires me to keep going. I have nothing to look forward to. Honestly, it is the writing that even partially keeps me going. And now I feel like I am whining in the face of all of you who are really suffering from depression. I do not want to offend anyone. I have my problems and most of it is just getting old.