Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

Started by Catherine, June 16, 2020, 08:25:28 AM

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Something in the back of my head told me I should have taken that as a warning. I should have yes and when I saw my tail wearing a gas mask red lights should have gone off.  Again a should, I sort of have problems with the whole family of shoulds.

"You shouldn't eat a cookie!"

"What?" Munch munch munch munch..

Hmmmmm, that was a good cookie if I remember correctly.

"Nichole you should be going to bed. It is way past your bedtime."


Okay that one I just didn't hear so that doesn't  count. Why would you tell someone that they should do  something if they are already doing the something? Eat that cookie, too late! Oh you said don't eat the cookie. I heard.....  I must have should family deafness.

Should description done CLICK and back to the burp

Like I said I should have taken it as warning but I didn't and got a big whiff of nature in the face and not the good type of nature too, urp. This was the type of nature you patted the head and nervously stepped away saying it has something a mother would love. Maybe sort of, I mean it is stretching it about something a mother would love sometimes. Not to be mean or anything, my brother says I have that look that only a mother would love . I didn't laugh and closed the door to the bathroom slowly giving him a death stare with a little growl. Just too tired for a big growl.

I waved my hands in front of myself trying to clear the air of nature, coughing as I did proving that everyone who says I can't do two things at once is wrong.  I just never needed to.

"So...."  I start to say between coughs , "we got all of your tests done, I hope. What is next?"  Fingers crossed it isn't more tests.

Merl kicked his legs to the floor and stood and I stood there waiting. Not expecting the dramatic pause and thank monkey I didn't decide to not hold my breath.

"The two of you learn to ride."

Immediately my eyes flew open with the picture of Wiener on my back.

Merl coughed, "You will learn to ride Wiener."

*imaginary hand wipe across forehead*

With that Merl turned and motioned to us to follow, "Follow."

Of course I answered with a nod. 


I don't know what to expect when I walk behind Merl. Completely lost really, I know where I am at but where I am going is unknown. Well not completely unknown, I am going that way. *point*

When we head inside I start to clear my throat not because I have a cough or anything. Especially not because anything flew into it either but because I am trying to figure out a what and a clearing of the throat is a good way to start a what.

From out of nowhere Merl pulled out a couch drop and held it up for me to see, "Cough drop? My special brew."

This caught me mid-step, home brew? My eyes went to the cough drop which was wrapped thankfully. At least it wasn't touching bare Merl skin but what did it look like and the important question what was it brewed from? Looking at Merl I could only guess nature but that could be anything natural. A piece of bark, a stone worn smooth by water, an acorn half eaten my a squirrel that had a cold or anything else nature. None of it actually good for me probably.

Mom tried that once when I was sick, a natural remedy. She went out to the backyard and came back with a handful of stuff saying how it would make me better. I still remember the smell of it and shiver when I do, like nature gone wild and not in a good way. Once I saw the steaming cup with twigs and whatever else was in it I got better all right, I got better enough to get away from the whatever was in the cup and to school where I was safe. Dad laughed later when I told him that mom was trying to kill me with nature voodoo to make me a zombie so I can do more chores. I even tossed in that I think I heard her chanting  and maybe dancing but wasn't too sure about the last one though since I have seen my mom 'dance' and well I would call it jerking around wildly more than dancing. Dad gave me to usual answer of a head rub and said that I was being creative. I humphed once and walked away, my eyes constantly looking for voodoo dolls for several days after that until I got bored. If i 'woke up' once with my hand in the toilet cleaning it, I would know something is up. That is my brother's chore and I know I don't sleep clean, I sleep sleep not sleep clean. That is working in your sleep and a monkey girl needs her sleep.

*flash to made up scene *

I wake up, my arms sore and everything. Still drowsy I look around trying to figure out where I am at and what I will be blamed on. I can feel my hand is being covered in something rubbery as I kneel there on hard tiled floor. I smack my lips a little, trying to wake up as I lift my hand. Half asleep I look at it and instantly I wake up when I realize where I am at and what I was doing.

Quickly the camera swings up and angles down to stay focused on me as I look up and scream "No.................." Hands clenched above but in front of me so I don't drip any toilet water on me. Disregard the toilet paper all over behind me, the camera was not suppose to catch that  and I don't know how that happened, must have been bathroom leprechauns. Once they see a rainbow they go nuts honest and the chances of a rainbow in a clean bathroom are pretty high.

*end flash to made up scene*

"I think I will pass thank you," I answered Merl, "the cough was more of a I got a question."

Merl paused for a moment, "What is your question?"

"Well what are we doing?" I mean I thought we had to learn to ride out there, " my tail swinging up and pointing back towards the door to stress there.

"Eventually you will end out there. For now you have to get ready and there are things you need to learn before riding."

"None of this will have to deal with books right?"

"No why?"

"Because they hurt to sit on," I answer frankly. Merl closed his eyes for a moment and looked like he was going to ask something and thought it would be better not to, "Come on.


We followed Merl to a little shed type thing off to the side, I looked around for a moment when I saw it and tried to do some math in my head. How in the world did I miss the shed. I saw everything else but the shed. Trees, birds, fence, that one thing with the fur, lawn gnome and the building but missed this. *point to the shed*

It had to be math, trigonometry probably with all of those letters. What is the square root of A? Why would anyone need or want to know that. It is a letter not a number! But I guess the square root of A is a funny looking A? All square looking and everything. 

I try to do the letters, I mean math..... letters or whatever! Distance equals C. Height of shed equals let's say H. Now color of shed is probably a B since it brown. Now if I try to do the math........ I get alphabet soup!!! Ergh this is making my brain hurt and it isn't caused by a banana milkshake brain freeze either. Need an answer though.... let's say it was a temporal warp visual illusion caused by the heat and something else thing. Interstellar questers would say it was obviously being cloaked while spreading their fingers and wearing pointed ears.

*roll eyes*

I just didn't see it that is all, no need for brain halting never to be solved because it makes everyone go huh math or some made up way. It was there and I was looking everywhere but there.

*imaginary stop for a public service announcement, math is cool stay in school and learn what all of the letters equal up to kids. Okay did that sound believable? Can I have my banana milkshake now? Oh come on I did a public service announcement. Slurp. Mmmmmm...  banana gold. Have I told you that they are good? What I have? Okay. Slurp. Yum. End imaginary stop for a public service announcement. Oh and beep. Always need a beep when ending a public service announcement.*

I stop a little bit a way when Merl walks up to the front of the shed and fiddles with a lock. Partially because of security purposes, it looked like a combination lock but with strange symbols on it instead of numbers. Squiggly line then right to box then left to..... Another reason is that I don't know anything about the shed's doors, will they swing out fast or something and what is being kept behind the doors. Lastly personal space, I don't think Merl wants me hanging over his shoulder going "What is inside?" Which can be easily answered by just looking.

Click click clunk goes the lock, guessing  it wasn't oiled maybe and the shed's doors swing open.

What I see inside is well hmmm...... riding equipment maybe or some sick Norse thing I don't want to know about. Nervously I laugh just once and take a step back.



"What's wrong," Merl asked when he saw me take a step back. I nervously laughed,  pointed at the contents of the shed while crossing my fingers in my imagination. Keep this G rated come on...... PG at most. That can work right?  I mean leather straps doesn't always mean going for the end of the alphabet for a rating.

"I just want to make sure you opened the right shed."

Merl turned and looked at the contents of the shed, shrugged and then looked back at me. "Yeah, this is all riding equipment why?"

Mentally I wiped by forehead. Whew! I thought for a moment things were going needed to be censored and I forgot the black boxes and little beeper. BEEP! Oops just found it, still I am glad it stayed 'safe' or I would have needed to start covering my eyes and ears. Which would have made censoring really hard. Okay black box here, no wait  oh my it needs to go........ it is starting to ah........ BEEP!

"Ah nothing, trick of the lighting and I thought I saw something else," I answer. *imaginary thumbs up and big smile for covering something that thankfully wasn't really awkward.

"Hey what is that for it looks to short for a riding stick," Oh just to let you know I wouldn't hit Wiener with anything. Maybe water when he gets dirty or hot, since I would think he would smell a little unique.


I only meant..... hey wait a minute how can you be in this imaginary thing?


Okay, okay Wiener smells nice when he gets hot. *whisper* Smells like sausage. *stop whisper* oh and wink.

Drop the imaginary thumbs up because arms getting tired.*

Merl raised an eyebrow, "What do you think you saw?"

I uh....... I didn't say that I thought it looked like. Hmmmmm need to come up with something good and believable. Hmmm..... "Gerbils," I shouted, "um gerbils. All stacked up standing on each other's shoulders, they do that and end up clogging things up. Bad for a number of reasons. For doors it is that they may tumble out and avalanche whoever opened the door. Happens all of the time, government covers it up. Black helicopters, helicopters and cleaners."  Totally believable, especially with the last part. No one can argue when there is a black helicopter is involved.

*imaginary proud pose with hands on hips and maybe guitar riff unless that is pushing it.*

"Okay...." Merl replied, shaking his head a little as he turned back towards the shed, pointed and started to explain. Which is probably good since.....


Yeah that and remember to nod.


Hmmmm....... with hand cupping chin and lightly rubbing it,a la animated thinking man and I look at the riding stuff in the shed and then at Wiener, back at shed and then at Wiener. Over and over, something doesn't seem right......

I walk pass Merl and measure with my hands the straps on a saddle. Then carefully walk over Wiener and set my hands against his side, that is what I thought. Quickly I spin to face Merl, "Is that the largest saddle you have, strap wise?"

Merl gave me that look, you know the one with a cocked eyebrow, "Yes?"

With my hands still spread the proper distance apart, from there to there *motioning with chin because of I did it with my hands it would be off and not be accurate. Remember measure twice and cut once I think which doesn't really make sense hear. I heard my dad say it nice after cutting this board wrong a lot. Sounded snappy and well okay yeah back to the story.*

"you see the straps on the saddle are this big and well...." I turn back around and place my hands against Wiener in a vertical alignment. "Clearly the straps aren't big enough to fit around or...." pausing just long enough to lightly jab Wiener with my hands, "even up one side of him. He is a larger mount."


"I didn't mean it like that?" Lovingly I gave Wiener a vertical hug, little squeeze but not too much since I didn't want to make him oink. Then drop hands and rest hand against Wiener with slight lean, "unless he goes on an extreme diet. Which I don't want him to. Wiener will not be able to fit that saddle on and I don't want to start body shaming. Oh you would be better if this saddle fit on you. Blah! He is love able." Oh and another little hug.

"We don't have larger ones at the moment. You could try riding without a saddle like the Indians of the americas did."

Hmmmm..... curiosity piqued. The only thing that is bad is that I couldn't wear any Ching Ching boots but that is okay. Those are always dangerous on stairs since those little Chings can get stuck on the stairs behind you. Really nice when you go down hills though, just lean back and zip. You did leave little paths behind you though.


"Wiener is liking that since there is no extreme dieting but he asked if it meant I would have to hold onto his ears. He really likes how they are and doesn't want them stretched out."

Merl shook his head, "No ear holding on this."

"Sold," I said with a smile, "so where do we begin?"

Of course I didn't realize at that time that my legs would be hurting as much as they did.  But yeah....... got to love wiener.


Merl walks up to Wiener and points up, "It is simple really. You just have to get up there and hold on tight. You could take a rope and tie it around Wiener to use as a bridal so you aren't holding onto his ears, if you like. Just loop it around here, " motioning with a hand towards an area right in front of Wiener's front legs, loop it around and then take it up and  tie it off in another loop for you to hold on to. Preferably not tied in a slip knot so it doesn't seal around your hands."

I laugh imagining myself slipping off to one side of Wiener as the slip knot tightens on my wrists. Do you know how much dirt and pebbles a monkey girl can eat? You might go um and scratch your head saying "I don't know." Let's say I found out and it is a lot and dirt is bad for you in that quantity. It all goes to the hips and no it doesn't taste like chicken. Well maybe a dirty chicken but not a clean one which I prefer.

"No slip knot got you," I answer, giving Merl the sign of 'I got you' the  mighty thumbs up.  Giving Wiener a pat I step back  then back again and yet again looking up and trying to figure out how. Can't jump up and I don't see any elevators or cranes.

*ding light bulb*

I was missing the obvious really. I was to overwhelmed in the moment with the straps and whatever else in the shed to think clearly. I think most people would be after seeing that stuff. Especially that one thing, there is no way it is used with riding at all.

"Wait , what? It is used for what?"  I look back at the one thing, "are you sure I mean wouldn't it be uncomfortable?"

"Oh oh, now that makes sense I thought it went well..."my cheeks redden,"what is that over there?"

*proud pose, ninja art of distraction always works. Cool whistle, lower sunglasses and point .*

"Give me a lift?" I ask Wiener and he nods, lowering his head down enough so I can get on it then up we went, "First floor sporting goods of the Norse. Ding. Second floor eek close the door! I don't think I will ever forget that. Third... oh ding. Third floor riding bare back. Ding"

Arms out I walk out onto Wiener's back, there was no way I wanted to fall from this distance. Spin around when I get to the right spot and sit down. Legs are pretty far apart but can't complain.

"What's next?"  I ask looking down at Merl, getting a little dizzy as I do. I see him lift up two ends of a rope, "forget something?"

"What? Oh..... be right down."



Do I really need to describe the whole going down to get the rope? I mean you could read what I just said in reverse. It might not make any sense but it would save me writing it all out and you getting bored and falling asleep letting slugs slip into your mouth.  I am pretty sure you do not want that so I skipped it. *big smile*

But if you must know I went down, got the rope and came back up. That is pretty much it, how exciting. There might have been some tinsel thrown but I am can neither confirm or deny. Let me get that off of your shoulder. *pick lone piece of tinsel off*

Monkey you ask, you could have transformed into something and floated down. I nod once, yes I could have but there is a catch that you might have forgotten. I would be naked! Not just naked but naked! Not really a difference there but still very much  naked around others. Which is a big thing since I am not a exhibitionist. No "hey guy look at me in my bare skin. Don't mind my tail, it is sort of shy and didn't want to  catch a cold. Tail cold are the worse."

So no flying squirrel down and scamper back up to get my clothes and then back down. Definitely will not drop them, wind catches them and woosh, naked monkey girl the rest of the story and yeah no. That would take this from PG to 'how isn't she catching a cold' and I rather keep it two letter and not be getting letters.

'My daughter was reading your stories, idolizing you. The next moment she was  outside walking around with a piece of cloth tapped to her butt without clothes on. I would like to reiterate, no clothes on! The priest who was visiting found her actions very interesting in a not good way. When asked she said you started to walk around naked. The priest tried to exorcise her. Signed not happy mother'

So yeah staying with the two letters and no nakedness. Walk down and get rope. Nothing interesting happened, meet a Sherpa and we had tea.

"So how do we get the engines started?" I ask with rope in hand.


"I meant it figuratively. No actual engine starting."


Merl looked up, "Just say giddy up."

That it? Nervous I held onto the ropes and said the magic words , "Giddy up."


and off we went.......... like a bat out of a really hot place where they jab your butt over and over again with pitchforks. Why I do not know to be honest, not sure how one hot associated with the other. Really don't think it was a Dante thing.

'Oh I traveled three days and one night into the wasteland with sharp rocks that cut the bottoms of my feet as I journeyed forwards. Shots of flame shooting up from  the crevasses to either side of me, the heat cooking my skin. Off in the distance I could see figures dancing here and there with pitchforks that they used to poke people's hind ends with.'

Doesn't sound so epic now does it? Little red guys dancing around poking people. Doesn't come close to a guy who is really strong and adventures.

"Yeah we got this guy here who just bench pressed a boat and smacked a lion or we got this other story where a guy walks a lot and gets poked in the butt. Which one do you kids want to read?"

"Lion smacker. Lion smacker. Lion smacker."

See the kids agree and really I don't want to spend the time and do a thesis named 'butt poking red guys. When did the poking begin?' It would be embarrassing when I talked to people and they asked what I did my thesis  on. Hearing them proudly saying one thing after another about atoms, light refraction or other things and I say butt poking. Weird looks, nervous laughs and step always would be occurring as I sat there fighting with my book bag trying to get the paper out. It would be the only thesis where there would be no questions asked and multiple copies were not required, something about saving trees and one copy was more than enough. That one of the professors had a parakeet cage.

Don't have me start on bats. Small and creepy. Get in your hair and mess it up just because. Ick. I am not against bats, I know they have benefits but they can just be over there or over there just not right here. They don't understand the concept of personal zone and that me saying "Get it off. Get it off. Get if off." Over and over as I swat at the air and run around isn't a game. If they want to play a game  we can play words with well someone I sort of know and hope isn't crazy. That is a safe game and it can play it way over there. Where it's little hands don't need to be in my hair! Again I don't hold anything against bats and I hope they don't hold anything against me. Ick.

So two icks I guess since I don't like the dry heat of the first place either. So instead of like a bat out of a really hot spot let's say like something else which I can't think of at the moment since I am holding on for dear  life since we are going like a bat out of  hot spot. Ergh forget I suddenly that please, I will come up with something better later.

"Slow down.............."


Duh de duh....... just giving you a moment of the dramatic. So you can gasp, point and  wonder. Will she stop or will she run off to wherever, possibly into the sunset in one of those one 'What the? How can they end it like this?' moments. Credits roll and lights come up and you are just left there mid slurp of a drink or popcorn dropping out of your mouth, waiting for that post credits scene. She has to stop, she just has to! Then click and done and you are left hanging until the ne [click]

[click] Kidding, I wouldn't do that to you. Leave you hanging until the reveal at some future date that may or may not happen and you are left wondering and losing sleep. That is until you find or write some fan fiction and well........ I have read some of those for others and yeah no. Some of those get really weird and some go into that fifty shades of eye covering and black box censoring zone. I don't want to find one about myself and have my mouth fall open, 'Um I don't remember doing this or this. Oh my monkey, I definitely do not remember doing that. I am ninja flexible but not that flexible and I would have remembered seeing a happy time bear with its stomach logo glowing and shooting rays out." I don't want any of that, I prefer to tell my own story and not read it wondering what was I thinking or something.

"Woooooo..............." I yelled pulling back on the rope with my feet doing the air brake thing. Dust and ground bits filled the air, blocking the sun as I found myself flying forwards and Wiener not so much. I quickly found out how far my arms can stretch and how much that hurts in a blink of an eye, all along saying  "Ow.................... I am not a stretch toy!"

Followed by THWUMP!

Oh and OINK!


In the span of like, who am I kidding I wasn't counting or looking at my watch. I am sure the Boy Scout manual could tell me how to tell the time by the position of the sun, which is right over there but at the moment my arms had only one thing on their  mind, 'Ow!' If I come out of this and my arms are really long like a gorilla's I am going to shoot someone a dirty look, eyebrow slightly down and glaring. Maybe even give that person the power sign, two finger point to eyes and then point to the person.  Telling them I am watching them. Of course if I have really long arms I might accidentally hit them with my elbows so I will need to be a careful. Don't want to poke their eyes out with my elbows.

I should find a whiteboard and a marker, then draw how everything went down. [insert sound of marker]

"Okay this is Wiener", pointing to a circle with stick legs and a square protrusion. Don't laugh, I think it  is a pretty good likeness. You can only draw so good with big black markers. It is some type of rule of the universe I think. Not going to argue about it since it is the universe. I would hate seeing what it would do when mad. Maybe throw asteroids at me or always make it that a solar eclipse happens when I am outside. Always going around bumping into things when I am outside since  I couldn't see anything. Not to mention the amount of time it would take for me to get a tan, it could take me years! I the point to a stick figure with a smile, "this is me."

Carefully I draw a line, "I went from here to way over here and then right at the moment where i thought my arms were going to snap. I went back and hit something soft thank monkey. Would have hate to hit something hard, there would have definitely have been a "Oomph!" If there was. With one hand I hung there as I reached back to find out what had stopped me since all I knew  whatever it was was soft and that is about it. I don't remember hearing that Wiener had airbags or anything similar to those installed so I was.... I pat behind me a couple times and it doesn't take any sort of math to figure out what I had run into, pig nose!

Immediately I drop, "ew, ew, ew" wiping my back to make sure there wasn't any kind of snot deposits on my back, "you didn't have a cold did you or maybe an allergy to monkey girls?"


"Okay good, I just wanted to check. The only time I would want, wasn't being a loose term, to be boogered is being run over by a ghost or by a big ugly space aliens that hisses and spits. I would prefer not being boogered at all really and I still don't believe it when they say it is good for the skin."


"No need to apologize it was your first giddy up. I think my dad did the same the first time with me."


"Yeah well yeah,"'I said with a laugh as I walked up to Wiener and patted him on his side, "let's try this again."



This time we would do things differently, the giddy up would be measured and not at full strength. It was lack of experience with the last one I let it all out and I should have done a smaller one. Too much of a good thing and maybe Wiener has hers or something. The full giddy up shifted him down to turbo and whoosh, monkey girl holding on for her dear life.

I took a breath and patted Wiener on his side, "Let's try this again."


*Bullet time shoot to add to the scene. Taking it from eh to wow that is cool and full emotion. I am touched as my heart grew three time bigger because of it. The camera slowly spins around Wiener and myself taking in the whole scene. Even the lighting was good.*

Wiener started to lower his head so I can get on but f I just shook my head, "I need to figure this out just in case something bad happens and I need to your quick."


"Yes I am sure," I answered him, all the whole doing some gasp math in my head. Take this by that and add this thing over there and subtract one then multiply by pi and finally divide by the reverse square root of zero and..... Wiener is that tall."

Hmmm... that didn't help at all. I know how tall Wiener is and it definitely didn't show me a glowing path up. So hmmm..... I take a step back and think. Only for a moment though, sometimes you don't have more than one. I pull out my grappling hook and fire it at the proper angle, the rope trailing behind it as it shoots upwards and KLANK! Then with hop, jump and skip and up I go. Shimming up the rope like only a monkey girl can. Throw hands up and tahdah!

Sorry got a little ahead of myself and the creativity got messy. Really all I do is [ censored because it is censored ] and throw my hands out. Can't forget that part at all. Carefully I take the rope, deep breath and "giddy up".

*imaginary fingers crossed*


This is where the butterflies in my stomach start to go wild. Bouncing off the insides of my stomach like they are trying to get out and not in an orderly one after another style, no not my butterflies. Mine are more prison break, let's blow this Popsicle stand style. All at once over and over bouncing against the inside of my stomach. Which was getting me close to urping. So close that warning lights were going off in my head and any closer alarms would start blaring and that hurts. Makes things harder to listen to too.

"What? What did you say? There is a what coming up behind me and that I should run? A puppy? Those aren't scary. Let me look! Oh my monkey it is a t-Rex! Run!"

I tired to settle them down by saying I don't have any butterfly nets and they don't have to worry. But that didn't help. I even tried telling them I would get them some nectar, even though I wasn't looking forward to drinking any of it. I hear it sticks in your throat blah. Start to cough and people would look at me as I gasp "Pollen!" Over and over. There is no way I am dressing like a bee or hummingbird to collect it either. There would be pointing and laughing and not in a good way. More ha ha someone get the tranquilizer darts. I think she has gone over the edge. Oh and shoot for her butt that will be hard to miss. Hey! It isn't big, it is the proper size and padding for a monkey girl of my size.

Any second now I am going to find out if the next couple seconds will be nice and casual or me holding on for dear life, my face bouncing off the sides of Wiener over and over. My dirt diet being thrown out the door as I eat more and more of it. It doesn't take like chicken either.

Imaginary finders crossed and a silent prayer to the monkey gods. I think my tail even crossed its fingers.

Wiener rose and....................

.............. fell gently. Will that happen again, I ask myself and it did. Imaginary cheer yay!!!! Will it happen again. Slowly Wiener rises and falls. Oh my monkey, let's press our luck. Again Wiener rises and falls and the crowd goes wild. Oh oh and they cheer monkey, monkey, monkey and Wiener, Wiener and Wiener. The crowd goes wild!!!

Reel it in.

"Good job," I tell Wiener, patting him on his head. "Let's keep going."



Wiener and myself rode around for a little bit trying to get the hang of things. I have never really ridden before and Wiener has never been ridden before. Thank monkey it was that way and not the other, a little moving of a been and I would have been squashed.

"Move the been back," is all I could say from underneath Wiener. Everyone would just look around and shrug not knowing I was talking about the been in the sentence and some other thing.  "No not a bean the been. The been in the sentence move it before it is too late!" One arm flailing for dramatic reasons and to make sure everyone knows I am under the pig and just not throwing my voice. Two can be dismissed, too fake looking. I mean if you are stuck under something would you flail both arms around or just one and try to hold whatever that is trying to squish you up with the other? I am pretty sure you would try to hold whatever it is trying to squish with one hand, if not both and wave any free hands for help.

Now we didn't try anything fancy like jumps or anything. Definitely didn't try to grind the fence line at all. Those are all for advanced riders and not for a beginner like myself. Although I did stand up for a moment or two before seeing the sign saying 'No standing up!'

Okay we did get a little rebellious and tried some donuts. They had a chocolate glaze on them and they were delicious. What? Oh oh yeah, donuts are when you spin in a circle. Yeah we did those, over near the tree in fact. It was a long waahhhooooooooo moment. Pretty sure that the squirrels were giving us looks after the first doing or two. The donuts were delicious though, just enough chocolate in the icing and everything. yum! Tummy rubbing yum in fact.

After we did a couple more passes around the yard I gave Wiener a little pat, "Are you okay? This feel good?"


"Same here, let's parallel park next to Merl and see what is next."


With ease we pulled next to Merl and looking down I gave him the thumbs up, "We think we got this down. What is next?"

Merl just coughed and answered, "The race."

Boink. Interest piqued. Sounds fun. Sounds fast. Doesn't sound furious though and that is a good thing. Leave that up to the moves.

With a little kick and spin, I flip and lay down in Wiener. Hand under chin to give that inquisitive look. Only made better if I had glasses on.

"Tell us about this race."


Merl looked up at me questionably with one brow raised like all satyrs do when they look at things questionably, I guess. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, "It sounds fun and Wiener is up for it, aren't you?" Of course patting Wiener with a hand so he knows I was talking about him and not something that is held ins bun. Common mistake sometimes when you have an unique name. At least he didn't have a name like 'Stay' now that would be confusing. Let us go Stay, Stay come and I am pretty sure there are others. He would just stand there with one eye brow raises wondering what to do like all giant pot belly pigs do if they are wondering what to do..


"See, all ready." I said with a smile.

Merl just stood there with his eyebrow still raised looking how at us and suddenly it got weird. Crickets did the cricket thing and I got nervous sitting there.  "Uh well..." I said nervously as I started to run the back of my head. I thought that would have helped but it didn't, Merl just stood there with his eyebrow raised starring frozen. Which didn't help the weirdness go away at all in fact it did the opposite!

"Uh yea....". I said again, the back of my neck glistening a little, "this is where you talk and tell us about the race."

Nothing, just crickets and I think they were getting nervous now too. Was Merl in an eyebrow lock? Did I need to get the jaws of life and save him? Did he need rebooted? I didn't see any power cables or buttons to press. Maybe..... I look for a moment and nope no cords or anything. So what is up? Do Norse have technical support? Maybe they would know.

"Hello this is Flargs tech support, you break it and we scream at it until it works again. How may I help you?"

"Yes I have satyr here, that I think is in the wrong mythological setting and he raised an eyebrow then froze up. What should I do?"

"Okay, have you jiggled the cord or tried a hard restart?"

"Um no because I don't know where either of those are and I am not sure if I want to touch either of those."

"Okay I can help you with that. Do you now what model you have?"

"Model? Uh no it sort of has hooves and burps. Does that help?"

"Okay what you will need to do is......."

I tried all of that and ick. I do not recommend any of that, I think my hands are burning because of it.

*pull moist towelette out and clean hands*

That of course didn't work either. I could go ask Odin since he is the all father and probably knows everything.

"Yes excuse me, Merl the satyr is broken."

"I know that."

"What and you didn't send someone to fix him," I close my eyes a little, "wait a second you are starting a new fade, garden satyrs aren't you?"

"No someone will be with you in a moment beep"

"What the?  I am definitely going to call the better business bureau, norse edition on this.  How can you tell a story when one of the characters freezes up?"



I woke up the next morning with the suspicious trails hinting at slugs being in my mouth over night to see Merl still frozen there. Oh my monkey what does it take? Doesn't he understand anything about story and if one of the characters just freezes it is not good. Honestly think about these things if you are in a scene. You shouldn't freeze up and you shouldn't ask anyone what your line is.

Just think how little red ridding hood wood have been when Red saw the wolf at the door and ask "Line?" It would have given that scene a different feel.

I roll around to my back and then again, "What do you think we should do?" Wiener gave me a tired oink, I am guessing it was before his first coffee maybe. Hey we are still getting to know each other I don't know if he is a coffee drinker or not. I have never smelled his breath or looked around for empty coffee cups. There is a line you shouldn't cross when you are first getting to know a person. One is sticking your head in their mouth to smell their breath and the second is to look around for empty coffee cups.

"Well I guess I could do that. I am not sure if he has pockets though."


"True. It would be easier for me to check. I can see why you said that it would be awkward for you. Let me check." With that I roll off of Wiener in a way that defies gravity, hey I was just waking up and the last thing on my mind was gravity. *dismissive wave * Maybe later.

I walk up to and around Merl, "If you can hear me don't flinch. I really don't want to touch anything more than I have to." I walk around again and spot what I think is a pocket, oh please be a pocket and nothing else. Take a deep breath and ew.... hand goes in and I silently pray to the monkey gods. Piece of paper, nothing else.

Tongue comes out adorably as my hand safely navigates through the insides of Merl's pocket. My fingers using their sense of touch to find something of the paper type.

Crunch. Crinkle.

I think I found it. Carefully my fingers get a hold of the paper and o yank my hand out.. "Got it! Let's go!"

With that we were gone. Not caring what was on the paper, the story needed to continue and it wasn't here. I paused for a moment and placed a note on Merl's forehead and caught up to Wiener.

*slowly the camera swings around and zooms into the note, I am not a bird bath. Don't poo on me.' Hey don't laugh the birds need to be told that I think.*


I stood there next to Wiener preparing myself mentally for what is to come, the RACE. Yeah all in caps there since the RACE I hear was Important. It had been ran for years now, up into the mountains and down the other side. Asking the locals I heard tales of the races. How they were competitive at first with dozens of people showing up for it to participate in but that has changed over the years thanks to one racer. Flamebottom Redbeard, a dwarf that enjoys to race and more importantly to win, no matter at what costs and he has won every year.

Now it is just him and any other person who is stupid enough to race against him. I am that stupid person this time. Wait, that came out wrong. I am not stupid, just caught up in the moment and made a little mistake. So yeah I um am racing against Flamebottom this year, I couldn't pass it up after looking at the paper in Merl's pocket. Oh yeah I forgot you were never told what the paper said, that is a cliffhanger.

Exciting wasn't it? Kept you on the edge of your chair in anticipation. Did monkey find anything out about the race or did she stick her hand in someone's pocket for an old crumpled up coupon or shopping list? Nail bitter. What did she find? What did she find?

I found this, pulling out a piece of paper. It did all this announcing of the race and no recipes. So I am here and after talking to some people I am ready for the story to continue.

So *click* let's get wording.

It was a dark and stormy night the cute monkey girl stood there soaked to the bone. A lone banana milkshake in her hand.

Whoops wrong story let's try another,



Where is there and how did you get there, you may ask. Oops I forgot you are not here and I don't have any body cameras so I guess it is time for some descriptive words.

Well I am at the base of a mountain. On the way of mountains it is a pretty good mountain with crags and other things that mountains are suppose to have. It is not lacking in those items. With boulders strewn over there and there and some over there. Trees and grass that eventually turn into snow and ice towards the top. It even has a pass I think, I have always had a problem identifying those.

"Look a mountain pass," pointing to something that looks pass like.

"No that is a creek."

"Okay..... then that is a pass over there," pointing to something over there.

"That is a nook."

"Pass?" I ask questionably pointing at something else.

"Maybe..... it depends on if you are pointing to the goat or not."

Oh there are goats to, hopping up the side of the mountain in an extreme way. Almost vertically in some parts, so extreme. I wonder if they are drinking energy drinks as they do it, crushing the cans against their horns. Throwing up the sign of extreme with a hoof while saying baaaaaaahhhhhh.

Since this is Norsescape there are trolls. Not too many though since it is day time and they have am allergy to sunlight. It is a drastic one too. I mean I turn red if I stay until in the sun too long. Which my big brother thinks is funny and calls me lobster girl when I come in walking funny and all red. Asking mom if he should get the butter out. I would have shot him a nasty look but it is way to painful to do that. But trolls turn into stone when staying out in the sun. No warning just instant garden troll with all of the pigeons nearby preparing to leave their mark or how they look to say 'tag'. They think it is coooo...... okay that is a bad joke. Like I said there are a couple trolls running around so they must have gotten their shots or wearing really thick sun screen. Which would explain why they look so greasy and why they don't like fire.

What else can I tell you about the mountain?  Hmmmm let me look around.

There is a path running up  it under my feet. A pretty good size path so it isn't wanting to be a path, faking being one now and actually leads you nowhere. This one leads us up and if what I was told was correct over the mountain.

What else..... it looks looks like there is a interstellardoes selling coffee up the path. Who would have thought they would have a place here. I may have to stop and double triple cappachinno  with a slice of lemon.

Another what else...... there is a gathering crowd on either side of the path.

So I guess I should tell you how I got here. I turn and point back behind me, I walked up that. *smile with a little light burst thingie*

What else.....


I should stop and take a moment and answer something that might be bothering you. In fact I got a note here from a reader and before it gets too far into the story it should be answered to cut down on any confusion or paradoxes. Okay let me get ready.

*places imaginary glasses on and adjusts them a little. "Cute huh? I hear they make me look smarter. Who's laughing?" *

Clearing my throat I start to read the letter from a concerned fan.

'Miss Monkey, This is Abbey. I am a big fan of your stories although the little angel sounds like she always needs help. Why is that?'

"Well Abbey, I am a big fan of yours too and as for the angel. She needs help because her halo is too tight and no blood can get to her brain. Now that might sound mean but scientists have proven that through testing. Scientists have also found out that angels have problems with walls."

'In most of your stories it ends with you getting your bottom kicked but in the last one it wasn't like that. Why?'

"Good question Abbey. I was wondering that to, too be honest. It isn't like my butt was complaining for not being kicked or as some say it rear loved by a foot. I am going to go with luck, pure and simple luck or fate was sucking on a banana milkshake and forgot. Mmmmmmm banana gold. I was even thinking about running back and asking Merl if everything was okay but decided against that."

'Thank you Miss Monkey for answering my questions. Abbey'

"It was my pleasure Abbey and please call me Nichole or monkey. Miss sounds so blah with a side of blah."

*fold paper up and slip into pocket before taking imaginary glasses off*

I hope that helps. I thought it needed to be answered before heads started to be scratched. Now we can continue with the story. Oh and to make it official click.



I stretch from side to side, do a couple jumping jacks and even do a couple stretch to the skies. Stumbling a little after swinging my head around and around in circles getting dizzy. Have to do that when exiting a story, wait for a moment and then enter into it again. If you don't do that who knows what will happen. Maybe something like the bends and you end up looking like a question mark or worse a period. All bent over and squashed. Ick.

Bend to the right. Bend to the left and done. Can someone get me a water? I am glistening  a little. Thanks. PFPHT! Glug glug. ah........

Okay back to the story , where was I ? Script!


"Really a race," I ask out loud when I look at the script, "and you expect Wiener and myself to do what? Grind the lip of a lava spewing volcano, that is sort of too extreme for me. That and I don't see a volcano anywhere near here. Ha. You just can't script something and hope something will occur. That just doesn't happen in real life. Double Ha."

"What? Oh yeah this a story."

There is a roll of thunder and crackle of something else and I look up towards the tip of the mountain to see a volcano appear. Stupid writers and their creativity. A jet of smoke erupts from out of the volcano in another so friendly way and I look around at the spectators who are looking up at the volcano.

"Sorry everyone," I yell, "the writer thought it would be cool that Wiener and myself grind the  lip of a volcano during the race. Don’t worry about it, it looks like a safe quiet volcano other than the smoke."

Behind me I can hear the volcano making some not so friendly volcano noises and I can feel my shoulders drop. "Like I said blame the stupid writer."  The spectators just looked at me like they were trying to figure out what I was saying or if I needed a dart in a butt and taken away.

"Listen it should just be this and nothing more. The writer won't push it..." I stop mid-word when the volcano gets louder, still not in a friendly way. Oh for the love of, I tell myself as I turn around and look at the volcano which is now looking pretty ominous. All that is missing would be giant bats and dragons flying around to make it more ominous. Great....

I look up to the sky and raise my head, "Couldn't you just change your mind? Maybe use something less fire and burn. The snow and ice was fine." I turn back to the spectators, "Okay I will take care of this somehow. Just don't do any sacrifices to the volcano okay. There is no God or goddess of the volcano you have to appease. Just a writer with an imagination and too much time on his hands. If it does start to erupt stop, drop and roll away or run. In an orderly fashion of course and not with your hands in the air because you should care."

With that I turn back to Wiener and pat him on the side, "Are you ready for this?"


"Good. Now we just need..." I pause, look down at the piece of paper I got from Meel. "This Flamebottom Redbeard to show up and we can get this done."

I hear the clomping of hooves on the ground behind me and feel the ground shake under my feet and chalk it up to the writer. I was racing a dwarf, how bad could it be? Dwarves are small and stocky, prone to being tossed sometimes. How bad could this be?

Yeah I got my answer when I turned around.

Stupid writer.


All I could do is gulp as I looked up and up to take all of what was standing in front of me in. The first thing that came to mind was when did hills start growing red hair? It was dirty, scraggily, unkept and a few other words that mean I am pretty sure I think small animals and some not so small animals were living in it. For a moment I thought I saw a moose but I blinked and it was gone. Forever wandering in the hair forests. Hunted by the packs of wolves that I just heard howling.

"Excuse me," I said with a smile and took several to maybe well over a hundred steps to the side to look around this person, I am guessing a giant or something humongous because dwarves are not as big as what was standing in front of me. There were trees growing off of it! They are usually well dwarf size too not something that I would have to use climbing equipment to look into their eyes with.

"Hello Mr. Redbeard, it is pretty cool that you ride a hill." I pause and look at the hill standing next to me, "Can I call you hill or do you go by something else?" The hill grunted or something. I am hoping grunt and not releasing a gas pocket either. "That is an interesting name Mr. [insert sound close to sound that I heard that I think broke something]. Have you seen Mr. Redbeard, your rider. Oops sorry is that not pc?"

Anxiously I look around for signs of one Flamebottom Redbeard. I had found his ride but I couldn't find him. Maybe he had climbed up already do I look up and nearly get blinded by the sun. No hide or hair of him up there unless he was hanging off the tree. I shiver at the thought of looking somewhere else. You would have to be desperate riding there really. I guess you would call it the sissy bar of the rear, Neatly tucked away in the back of the pants. It I had to ride Wiener like that there would be a 'Uh no!'

I look round for a moment and grab a stick and assume the position. One foot behind the other making myself as small as a target as possible. Even slipping on my imaginary gas mask just in case and they I was crazy for buying it.

Stick in hand I poke the hill’s butt, "Mr. Redbeard are in you there. I hope you aren't because that would be gross and everything."

There was no answer. Had Mr. Redbeard finally succumbed to the ick gases? One of the many dangers of sissy barring. I would list the others but no. No and no! I take the stick And poke again.

*imaginary fingers crossed for no gas pockets and sparks. It wasn't on my bucket list to be rocketed backwards from someone's rear.*

"Mr.  Redbeard are you okay? Do you need to be given cpr? If so I would need to find someone because yeah well...." motioning with the stick in the general direction of the hill's butt.

"Stop poking me in my butt," I heard the hill growl, which was surprising, as it slowly turned around to face me. "I am Flamebottom Redbeard. "

Fate stepped in at that moment and I lost my sense of words. Mind blank trying to take this in. A giant dwarf? Isn't that an oxymoron or something?

Mind blown. BOOM!


Reverse mind blown. MOOB!

The cute and adorable can't have their mind blown for that long or bad things happen. Like large birds from the sky or large things with teeth. Not good. Oh and I am not talking about flying away on the bird either, while cool it would be more like ow ow ow your talons are digging in really deep. Can you maybe relax your grip a little? With the big teeth it is more teeth massages and yeah no I will skip that.

"You cannot be Flamebottom Redbeard. He is a dwarf and by definition a dwarf is short and stout. You are one of those so denied."

The big hill looked at me like big hills do, "I am Flamebottom Redbeard."

"Yes yes," I say with a dismissive wave, "you can say that but it has that identity theft feel to it."

The hill grumbled and I took a step back thinking that an avalanche might be happening. That was the last thing I needed to happen at the moment up here in Norse land. I probably wouldn't get a shirt either, 'I went to Asgard and all I got was this stupid shirt.'

"Listen do you have any type of identification?"

The hill stood there quiet for a moment, maybe thinking I am not sure if they can do that, "Ask anyone around here and they will say I am Flamebottom Redbeard."

"Pfft those could be plants who you hired and planted. I need something like a photo ID or something. If I start taking your or anyone else's word saying you are who you are saying you are then it would be chaos. People would be saying they are someone else to get out things or get things and yeah chaos with a capital 'C'." I came here to race a Flamebottom Redbeard, not a hill."

The hill did what hills do I guess, grumble and stood there.

"Listen it is simple. Photo ID or I cannot believe you. As far as you know I am Flamebottom Redbeard and you just messed up."

Of course the hill stood there, "Are you?"

"What? I am who? Flamebottom Redbeard? Oh my monkey no. Do I look I look like a dwarf to you. No facial hair," pausing to point to a clean and cute chin," not stout and I have a tail," again pointing to my tail that has been forgotten since the beginning of this thing.

"So not a dwarf. Not Flamebottom Redbeard. I am Nichole Anne Marie Smith. My friends call me Monkey because of the obvious," pausing to point at my tail who waved at the hill, "cute and adorable ninja monkey girl. HIYAH!"

I punched sideways to strengthen the whole ninja thing and my fist finds something hard.Air isn't hard Ow! I pull my hand back quickly, shaking it as I lol to see what the hard thing was and see a slender man with pointy ears standing there.  Almost elf like I would say, his head turned to the side like someone just punched.....

"I need to take care of this," I quickly tell the hill, "you find some form of ID while I help this person okay?"

"Sorry I didn't mean to..." 


I stopped in mid sentence as the elf like being *click pause* to make it easier I will just say elf since I am pretty sure that is what it is unless it is an alien from another world. If it pinches my shoulder I will be know which one it is *click start* the elf fall to the ground. I use the term fall loosely since the elf put a hand up to it's forehead, reached for the ground as it slowly lowered itself down. It even got up once or twice to make sure it was light right. I didn't know why really, I just know it kept asking me how the light looked on it and not moving an arm or a leg until I said something right I guess. It even pulled out a compact to make sure everything looked right on its face. Adjusting a hair that had fallen in front of its face.

I guess everything has to be perfect for elves, well it depends on the type of elf. Some never see the light of day and do something with spiders, ick and ick. So I doubt they know what they look like unless they do the whole my hands are my eyes thing.

Touch touch "you feel hard and dirty. Have you been using the moisturizer I gave you?"

"Um I don't know what you are touching. I am not feeling you seeing me and your voice sounds faraway."

That and there are spiders. Just the thought alone makes me shiver. Bats are..... ick more and ew.......  the poor elves are probably covered in guano since bats live in the underground then they have spiders crawling all over them, don't even want to start on blind cave fish. All white and creepy. It makes sense why those elves are just so hiss and spit all of the time.

Then there are the tree huggers which I think the one who just 'fell' to the ground was. Easy to identify them really since they smell like those air fresheners you put up in cars all of the time. That and they tend to frolic all of the time for some reason.

Oh and can't forget Santa's elves. Tend to be short, like to wear red and green and love the cold. Also and this is a rumor, they are addicted to cookies and milk. Also number two rumor they run fight clubs in the off season with polar bears and rogue penguins. Just saying if you jingle their bells and they don't like it well you might find yourself eating coal and not in a jolly way.

There are some other elves that [ censored because just because ] yeah and no one knows how the one get their [ more censoring ]. For the sake of your and my sanity I am saying censor and leaving it there. But you might want to consider taking a long hot shower after meeting one of these elves and making sure you get clean while rocking back and forth and crying to yourself.

Like I said I think the elf in front of me belonged to the tree hugger family, I could smell the nature coming off of him so I am pretty sure unless he has some air fresheners tied up under his cloak for some reason.

Quickly I knelt down and had to reposition myself several times so the elf remained lighted properly. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," the elf answered in a voice higher than my own. Which kind of surprised me since I thought it  was a boy. "I ran into something hard."

Mentally I whistled as I pushed my hand behind me, "It must have been a low flying bird or something. It happens all of the time to me. Walking along and THWAP bird to the face. Here let me up Miss."'

With that I gently helped the elf up so she was sitting up.

"Thank you," the elf said as she placed a hand to her forehead. "Oh my, it will take me a moment. All these years in the woods and this has never happened."

Imaginary glisten started to form and the subject needed to be changed fast. Only thing was I couldn't use the ninja technique of changing the subject since that would entail me letting her go. So I did the first thing that came to mind and threw a verbal smoke bomb. "I hear they fly low in Asgard since it is so high up and it would tire them out if they flew higher."


"Yes," I answered with a nod.

*imaginary stand up with hands on hips in proud pose with lights and slow moving pigeons flying around me*

She believed it! Time to add the cherry, "I just heard someone took a Pegasus to the chest so you better be careful." I so hope that I got the right mythos with that one.

"Oh dear," the elf said as she got up, "that would be nasty."

I nodded of course, "yes it would be.*

*imaginary arm pump yes! I guessed right unless the elf is still out of it from the fist to the face. *

I motioned to the hill that I was giving him more time to find a picture I'd so I can help the elf over to a stump I saw. Maybe being close to wood might help her feel better. Not sure since I have no experience with this type of elf other than through stories, although I was getting a strange feeling it wasn't going to be the last.

*ninja girl note - the feeling is sort of like licking an envelope. That taste that sticks on your tongue for days and you can't get off. Like that but without taste.*