[5E D&D] Acquisitions Incorporated: Now Hiring! [No Longer Hiring]

[Chulanowa]

At Acquisitions Incorporated, you inquire - and we acquire™. For nearly twenty years, other people have had things you've really wanted and we've gone over there to get those things,
even if they didn't want us to do that. Typically, they don't. But we don't work for them, we work for you™. We've acquired it all, but we specialize in staves, gems, and storied weapons
of great lineage. We do apply a reasonable surtax for rods, because rods. It's been a problem. This is AcqInc in a nutshell:

Defenses negotiable. Merchandise plentiful. Franchises available.

Acquisitions Incorporated: It's In The Name™

   You COULD have gotten a job with the Gray Hands. But they wanted you to pay

*

This is a dramatic re-enactment, and such backstories do not
apply to all potential interns. Your mileage may vary,
is what we're saying. Heroism far from guaranteed.

up-front. The Knights of the Unicorn have certain cultish aspects, such as being a cult. And like, medieval bronies. For a time the Company of the Catlash was considering you until you forgot to shave the day of your interview. Really it came down to two choices for your adventuring career; Acquisitions Incorporated, or the Companions of the Hall. And let's face it, you'd never cut a heroic figure standing next to Drizzt*. So here you are, application in hand for the most heroic capable franchised adventuring company of the Sword Coast!

   Your characters have all applied - and been accepted! - as interns for Acquisitions Incorporated. You stand now on the verge, nay, precipice of your first excursion, to prove your mettle and wherewithal, to show yourselves worthy of full franchisee status! Actually given the company they've joined up with they're as likely to end up as professional dire rabbit herders as they are to end up heroes, but they don't know that!


   So here's a thing that's happening, I guess. As they say in the Shining South, how-dee pardners and welcome to my take on the franchise of Acquisitions Incorporated. If you're unfamiliar, here's a quick rundown; Acquisitions Incorproated is an ongoing semi-comedic D&D game run for / by the guys at Penny Arcade and friends set in the Forgotten Realms. Though it tends to follow "standard" adventures, it ends up getting pretty silly. How silly? Well there was the one time they ended up in a Jaeger-style mecha and kicked the Tarresque in the nuts. And that's the kind of sensation I'm aiming for here!

   ...The "adventure with a silly side" sensation, not the "getting kicked in the nuts by mecha-Halaster" sensation. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

The Rules

The rules are simple!

• Rule of Rad: Some things you can do. other things you can't do. But if there's something you technically can't do, but it sounds sufficiently rad (at GM's discretion) you'll at least get a shot at pulling it off. Don't be afraid to try those triple somersaults off the back of a flying dragon to party a lethal thrust to your best buddy's beloved boob-bearer.

• Rothfuss' Rule: Are you skilled at flim-flam? Fast-talk/ Pure bullshittery? Are you perhaps dragging your feet on the third novel of a series your DM desperately wants to continue? This rule might apply to you! Similar to the Rule of Rad, I might allow you to get away with absolute bullshit if you make a persuasive enough argument for me. Don't try it all the time, because even pat gets told "no" now and then.

• Humor: Like I said, this is a comic adventure. That doesn't mean it's a nonstop comedy rollercoaster, slapstick, or that every word has to be a joke, or the like. But you will encounter the absurd. There will be occasional pop culture references and I expect quips and riffs and low-hanging fruit (heh, heh...). Don't feel like you've got to give a standup comedy act, but keep a sense of humor and tolerance for silliness. You're in a game where a Rod of Seven Parts has been "kiestered" for two years, mecha-beholders exist, and Newhamp Shire is an actual place.

• E Stuff: "Okay... THEY FUCK!" - Rosie Beestinger
   Sexual humor is definitely a thing in AcqInc. However sex is not the focus of the game. If you want to get it on, cool, that's all you. Feel free to schmooze your teammates all you like, to any degree the two+ of you are comfortable with. Maybe some NPC's will be game. However this isn't going to be the sort of game that wends up with sexual "bad ends" or throngs of wriggly, jiggly tentacle-beasts. The game will be contained in the Light: Human Small Groups section of the forums. All characters must be the species equivalent of 17+.

Character Creation

• Everyone starts at level 1.
• Beginning ability scores before racial adjustments are 15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8.
• All races / subraces from Player's Handbook and Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide are allowed.
• All class options from Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide, Xanathar's Guide to Everything, and Xanathar's Guide to everything else are allowed; the Uneaethed Arcana "Revised Ranger" and its subclass options are available as well.
• You can choose any background from the above sources, as well as this list. You can replace one background skill with any other skill or one tool proficiency of your choice.
• You get the typical starting gear for your class / background, one roll on the Trinket table, plus a single common magical item.

• Speaking of backgrounds; you don't have to write a novel! Gimme the high points, and feel free to fill in the gaps as things go along. or have your gaps filled, if you prefer!
• Concepts: Remember that part where I compared your character to stale chip crumbs? Yeah, think like that. "Weird" characters are great, and weirdness is probably why they're applying for AcqInc internships in the first place. Hillbilly dwarf sorcerers, dragonborn bards who dual-wield bass lutes, that sort of stuff can work. I mean, maybe not mechanically, but never know 'til you try (see section 3, paragraph 1, Rad, rule of)
• Please only use art for character images - I personally prefer non-anime styles, if at all possible. Cartoonish / comic book-style is fine though.

[AndyZ]

I was in an earlier incarnation of this and would love to play it again, with the same character or a different one.

[Bibliophilia]

Trying to decide if I'm going with a Halfling rogue or a fighter of some type.  Kinda ruminating on the idea of a big, blonde, ditzy fighter in teeny armor.

[Chulanowa]

Would be fun to have you both!  ;D

[Bibliophilia]

Decided on making a babe-arain.  I mean, a boobarian.  I mean, a bimbarian.  -peers.-  Actually, they're all right. 



Meet Stacie Bloodglut, human barbarian and amateur chef.  Her favorite season is spring, she loves camping, horse-back riding and eviscerating her enemies.  Her ideal partner is someone kind and patient who uses small words, speaks slowly and knows how to dance.

[Chulanowa]

Went ahead and added character creation details.

[Bibliophilia]

Additional images (NSFW)

Stacie Anne Bloodglut
Level 1 Human Barbarian

Description: Stacie is a whole lot of woman.  Standing 6'3 and blessed with all the curves a woman could ever want, she takes up a lot of space and the majority of the space she inhabits consists of bare, velvety skin and soft, inviting cushion.  Her waist is slender, her stomach firm and faintly muscled, and her legs are towering trees of well-toned, well-turned strength with surprisingly dainty ankles.  Her hips are the definition of child-bearing, and her ass is a plump treat barely covered by her minuscule chain mail bikini bottoms.  The perfect counterbalance to all the junk in her trunk are the large, high breasts that nearly spill from the tiny mail halter top that manages to cover her nipples only by some miracle of design or magical intervention.  Her face is strikingly pretty, with huge, guileless sky blue eyes - fringed by impossibly thick, dark lashes - that gaze out on the world around her with the vapid wonder of someone who doesn't understand 90% of what they're seeing, but finds it all fascinating.  Her full, pouty lips are naturally candy pink and frequently curled into a sweet smile capable of lighting up a room or warming the iciest heart.  Her pretty face - complete with a sprinkling of cinnamon freckles across the bridge of her pert nose - is surrounded by thick, lustrous, fluffy blonde hair that always seems to always fall in the most flattering arrangement and catch the light to dazzling effect.

Personality:  Stacie is a clumsy, ditzy, excitable, friendly, short tempered girl who has never spent any time in an urban setting before.  If there's something breakable at hand, chances are she will knock it off of whatever it's sitting on with her ass, her weapon, or a careless hand gesture.  Either that, or she'll pick it up out of curiosity and either drop it, grip it too hard or just bust any mechanism it might employ trying to work it.  She never does these things on purpose and is always genuine in her regret and apology, but this doesn't stop her from doing it again ten minutes later without even thinking.  Much, if not all, of what Stacie does is without thought, in fact.  She finds maths confusing, using her fingers and toes to do even the simplest calculations, and her grasp of complex concepts is abysmal.  She often feigns understanding by nodding and smiling, though she isn't embarrassed to ask to have things explained more slowly, if necessary.  She is always eager to make new friends, but if someone crosses her, people she cares about or those she considers worthy of protection, she quite easily loses her temper.

History:  Stacie was born to a nomadic tribe that roamed the grasslands and raised horses and oxen to trade with urban dwellers.  They were well-known for their superior horseflesh and skill at training the large, hearty beasts so favored by the military and city guards.  The creatures were excellent in battle, and yet nimble enough to manage even excessively rocky terrain without much difficulty.

They were a peaceful tribe, rarely having trouble with others due to their advantages in mounted combat and their noted skill with, albeit primitive, weaponry and battle tactics.  However, as is often the case, the leader of a city with whom they often traded decided he was tired of bargaining with 'savages' for his horses.  So, he sent a regiment of the city militia to 'renegotiate' their terms.  In other words, they wanted to take the tribe as slaves and force them to breed and train horses full time, rather than being forced to wait until the tribe's wanderings brought them close enough to the city once a year.

Stacie's tribe managed to handily fight them off and they prepared to travel, deciding to change their pattern to avoid the city from then on.  However, as they were preparing to leave, a larger group of the city's men arrived with more advanced weaponry and mounted on the tribe's own breeding stock.  This time, due to being unprepared, outnumbered and outgunned, the tribe was overwhelmed.  Many were slaughtered, more were captured and only a few managed to flee...including Stacie.  Now, she plans to train herself to be stronger and more skilled at battle, then return to free her people from the tyrant's grasp.

Sexuality:  Stacie is a very friendly girl with a healthy sexual appetite.  She doesn't concern herself over the bits attached to her partner, their race or even, it's rumored, their species.  As long as everything is consensual and pleasurable, she's down to party!

[Chulanowa]

Would like to pick up two or three more people.

Acquistions Incorporated: You inquire, we hire!

[InoshimaLance]

What does having an internship means? I am interested but having a really hard time understanding the whole setting. x3

[AndyZ]

It's based on Acquisitions Incorporated: http://www.acq-inc.com/

Basically, think of it as an Adventurer's Guild, and having an internship means you're a low level adventurer who has joined Acquisitions Incorporated and signed the contract.

[Kathyan]

Oh hey I was in the original..., well actually I wasn't since there were too many people and I didn't got picked.

Well I know there already is a barbarian here but I don't feel like brainstorming yet another new character so I'll repost my old one here.

Li'l Lilly Lee

'Pillaging 101, Daaad, why do I have to have to that class? for the sake of our ancestors, yes I know the Lee familee is known for our martial warriors and fierce combatants but I do not want thaaaat, why can't I do go to magi school like mom?' No matter how much Lilly tried to convince her father, Bruise would not let, "Do what you want in your free time but you will not let your ancestors down." And so she did, she grabbed her mom old tome from the magical university,... then she grabbed her books from magic highschool... and finally she took her notebooks from elementary magic school until at least she was finally able to understand something. Lilly probably would not achieve great feats of magic but she was very happy. Chief Bruise was not so much as little Lilly, as she called her despite her being a grown up already, hardly passed Advanced Pillaging, Folk Intimidating and Combat Raging and for Lee's ancestors sake she even almost failed P.E., something had to be done about this rebellious girl and it must be done quick.

As the leader of the Lee, Chief Bruise looked for an adventuring company that would accept his daughter without asking too many question, or none at all and soon enough he found the AI, they didn't asked questions, he didn't asked questions, everyone happy and so he then signed all the papers for her and sent her there, if she could manage to get a certification from them that would have more value than her grades he thought and that would keep ancestors happy. Lilly didn't objected to what she was told as it would mean father would not mess with her anymore, she took her books, her scepter and Roy, her crow familiar, and went directly into Acquisition Incorporated headquarters, "Salutations my most regarded new administrators, Lilly Lee, reporting to her assignments", she greeted in a very casual way.

Sheet

Barbarian (Path of the Ancestral Guardian)
Sage Background

Str 16, Dex 14, Con 14, Int 12, Wis 10, Cha 8

Skills: Arcana, History, Investigation, Nature, Perception
Languages: Common, Draconic, Primordial, Undercommon,
Feat: Magic Initiate(Wizard)
Spells: Ancestors Hand (Chill Touch), Prestidigitation, Find Familiar
Feature: Researcher

Equipment:
Great Scepter (Maul), 2 hand axes, An explorer’s pack and four javelins.
A bottle of black ink, a quill, a small knife, a letter from an ancestor posing a question you have not yet been able to answer, a set of common clothes, and a belt pouch containing 10 gp
A diary from one of her ancestors with seven missing pages.

Trait: I use polysyllabic words that convey the impression of great erudition.
Ideal: Emotions must not cloud our logical thinking.
Bond: I work to preserve a library, university, scriptorium, or monastery.
Flaw: I overlook obvious solutions in favor of complicated ones.

[Chulanowa]

What does having an internship means? I am interested but having a really hard time understanding the whole setting. x3

The setting is everyday standard Forgotten Realms - specifically the city of Waterdeep (for the moment.)

Acquisitions, Incorporated (LLC) is pretty much what Andy said - an Adventuring Guild that's all about acquiring things. "Interns" are newcomers to the company (usually - but not necessarily - low-level) who are out to work their way up the ranks. The company is basically built around tongue-in-cheek references to business culture, with employee manuals, a CEO, dead peasant insurance policies, hostile takeovers, and mandatory holiday parties! That's mostly flavor and window dressing for the sake of humor though, I'm not going to be making you guys sit through board meetings or watch sensitivity training videos. You're adventurers! You'll adventure! And the employee manual is more like a set of guidelines, really... Except for the part about not sleeping with the CEO's sisters (especially now that they're dead, it would be a whole thing...)



Kathyan, for what it's worth, there actually is a barbarian Primal Path that casts sorcerer spells, starting at level 3. It's the Path of Sacred Kin, from Xanathar's Lost Notes to everything else. It uses Constitution as its spellcasting ability. I guess you beat the magic into submission? I dunno.

[Illven]

I have three character ideas.

Idea 1 Bard that is super shy and bookish, she became a bard because she loves stories, but people always expect her to sing... .She's not a good singer.

Idea 2 Super blonde, super happy war cleric that likes smashing things, and scuffling.

Idea 3 Super repressed, part succubus Paladin.

Any preferences

[Chulanowa]

Well, just between you and me and everyone else reading the thread... I kinda loathe the whole "every tiefling is a succubus" thing that usually goes on with E.  :P Especially given that in D&D, screwing a succubus results in level drains and necrotic damage!

I think the Bard might fly best of the three!

[Illven]

Okay, would UA's feats for skills be allowed?

https://media.wizards.com/2017/dnd/downloads/UA-SkillFeats.pdf

[Chulanowa]

I'm just going to stick with the sources already mentioned; Player's Handbook, Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide, Xanathars' Stuff, and the backgrounds from the 5e wiki.Xanathar's Guide to Everything does have racial feats in it though, if you're just looking for some variety beyond the PHB ones.

[Illven]

Ah, I wanted expertise in perception to represent her having really good eyes and ears.

[Illven]

Stephanie von Smithington

Description Stephanie stands at about medium height for a girl at 5 feet, 4 inches. Stephanie is blessed with curves that she usually tries keeping covered with concealing clothing, thanks to years of being good naturedly teased about them in bard college that she took far too seriously. She has a cute adorable face, with a light smattering of freckles around her nose, and long luxurious brown hair that descends from her scalp in waves. Clear, cunning brown eyes hide behind glasses, that Stephanie is usually caught wearing to complete her nerdy image. Folks are usually blown away if they manage to notice how endowed in the chest, Stephanie is.

Personality. The easy description. Stephanie is a nervous wreck, years of being teased and berated have led her to constantly assume that anytime she is not perfect, she is not good enough. So the bard will constantly deny herself what she wants for the sake of being "mature" and tries to be orderly and number counting. Not that she doesn't like that last one. Stephanie adores books, and can often be caught sitting down and reading on her time off. However she can easily be distracted by pretty, or especially by buxom girls.

History. Stephanie was born to two people who were perhaps not the best parents, Stephanie had no real talent for blacksmithing, and her father had no idea how to teach someone who took to complex theories like air, but couldn't learn how to work a bellow. Especially when he would take months inbetween lessons. Eventually she went to bardic college to follow her dreams, and there the girl was perused constantly by men she had no interest in. Teased by the girls that either she had no business being a bard, or that she had "two very large reasons for being a bard." Stephanie graduated bard college with academic honors, but not really close to most of her classmates.

Sexuality. Stephanie is 99% lesbian. There's a couple of famous male bards or sorcerers she could see giving them a chance, but that's nothing compared to her tenedecy to crush on anything cute in a skirt. Stephanie turns into a nervous wreck around pretty women, wanting nothing more then to sweep them off their feet, but her anxiety convinces her that the women would never want to be hit on by her.

https://www.myth-weavers.com/sheet.html#id=1483924


How's that?

[InoshimaLance]

Ok, I could think of some concept to go with and just run with the flow if you guys don't mind, that way I can get familiar with the settings and still play with all of you.

I am actually wanting so damn much to play a Fighter/Eldricth Knight, cause the running campaign irl I had with one just shunned off suddenly and I was left with a bad mouth-taste.

I could also go Druid or Monk.

About char personality/background concept, well I will work on that a bit.

About sexual rp? Well, do you guys mind if I only engage fully in those when the other char is my type? Hehe. Like for example, if by any reasons I have to sleep with a girl (ewk) would you let me like time skip it?

[Chulanowa]

About sexual rp? Well, do you guys mind if I only engage fully in those when the other char is my type? Hehe. Like for example, if by any reasons I have to sleep with a girl (ewk) would you let me like time skip it?

Of course!

Just for the record though, that shouldn't even really be a thing; I'm not really running this as a "sex adventure" or whatever, but more of a "Standard D&D, and what happens, happens" kind of thing. Like, there's not going to be monsters wandering around all horny (I mean, they might be? But a horny beholder probably isn't interested in the gross monkey-things that you'll be playing.  ;D ) and no plans for "bad ends" like ending up sex slaves or whatever... You can certainly come at NPC's, and some might hit on you depending on things, and of course PC on PC activity is as open as the players want it to be, and sexual humor is always welcome, but sex just isn't going to be a central theme, at least as far as I can see.

So yeah, there's absolutely no pressure to engage in anything you don't want to!

[Illven]

Everything check out for the adorkable bard?

[Chulanowa]

How's that?

She's adorable  XD

[Bibliophilia]

I love that image, Ilven!

[Illven]

I love that image, Ilven!

Thank you.  :-)

Steph's likely to have a huge crush on Stacie.

[marauder13]

I have an idea for a Gnome Cleric who I think will be a good fit for this kind of game. I have watched a few of the AI shows on the web, and I do like the core concept, and how it is played.

I'll dig up the details on the short fellow, and post it if it's good as a concept.