Let's Tell Jokes!

Started by Panthean, April 27, 2010, 08:06:45 PM

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Panthean

Okay so I made this thread after a few jokes were thrown around in the SB... please only submit 1-3 jokes at a time and give people a chance to laugh at them before posting more.

here are a few of mine:

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"


Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”


Poof! Be gone!
Your breath's too strong!
But wait!
come back,
You need a tic tac,
Not one, not two,
But the whole value pack!
Sorry to be mean,
But you need some Listerine!
Not a sip, not a swallow,
But the whole freekin' bottle!

PrimalChaos

It was at an international gynecologist's convention, and a French gynecologist walks up to an American one, and says, "You should have seen it, my friend! The other week, I had a woman who's clitoris was like a melon!"

The American was dubious, and said, "That's ridiculous. If it was that big, she wouldn't even be able to walk."

The Frenchmen sighed, "You Americans, always concerned about size. I was talking about the taste!"
"That which issues from the heart alone / Will bend the hearts of others to your own." - Faust
Primal's Urges (Plot Ideas)  Ж  Ons and Offs

A&A: Available.

Kiric Rand

A well known and well liked cardiologist died. The whole town attended his funeral, and behind his coffin sat a large heart. After a beautiful service, the coffin moved, and the heart opened up, allowing the coffin to slide into in. The whole crowd thought this was a beautiful sentiment, except for two people in the front row. The first one was sweating bullets, as he was a gynecologist. The second had passed out, he was a proctologist.

---

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer, and a mop.

---

A man's anniversary is tomorrow. Forgetting last year, his wife comes up to him and says "Since you forgot our anniversary last year, this year I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in less then six seconds in the driveway when I come home." The man agreed, and while his wife was away, he went and purchased her gift and left it in the driveway. When she returned, she saw a box. Puzzled, she ask her husband "What's in the box dear?"

"Why its your anniversary gift." "Does it go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds." "Yep"

So the wife opens the box excitedly to find...... a scale.
[Floatright]
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Guardian of Lynnie's heart
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Flying High or Falling Fast (O/Os)My Ideas! A/A updated 2/11/15

Panthean

Quote from: PrimalChaos on April 27, 2010, 08:10:39 PM
It was at an international gynecologist's convention, and a French gynecologist walks up to an American one, and says, "You should have seen it, my friend! The other week, I had a woman who's clitoris was like a melon!"

The American was dubious, and said, "That's ridiculous. If it was that big, she wouldn't even be able to walk."

The Frenchmen sighed, "You Americans, always concerned about size. I was talking about the taste!"

lolz

------Jocks vs Nerds----
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However...If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

Zebu

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"



Two guys walk into a bar.  The woman ducks.



A seal walks into a club.
Live forever or die trying.

For Great Justice
--Machiavelli.

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

Nico

This one always makes me smile:

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Panthean

Quote from: Nicholas on April 28, 2010, 02:53:44 AM
This one always makes me smile:

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."


lolz, that's a good one

A priest, a reverend, and a rabbi all walk into a bar. They sit down and start talking about their work, the reverend brings up the question, "how do you decide what money goes to God (charity), and what money goes to the church?" The priest says, "I draw a circle on the floor, throw all the money up and whatever falls in the circle goes to the Church." The reverend says, "I put a top hat on the floor, throw all the money in the air, and whatever doesn't land in the hat goes to the church." The rabbi states, "ah, yes I got you both beat, I just throw all the money up in the air, and whatever god wants he can grab while it's up there."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Panthean

Quote from: Zebu on April 28, 2010, 01:07:33 AM
Two guys walk into a bar.  The woman ducks.



A seal walks into a club.

huh?

Autumn52

Why is snow white always getting mad at the seven dwarves?

Because of the way they always greet her, "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The guitarist holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What was the working title for Mel Gibson's movie "The Patriot?"

"Braveheart II: Men in Pants."
May light guide you through your turmoil and may darkness never cross your path.

White Light be upon you if that is your wish

Panthean

Braveheart 2 lol

----

Why doesn't Tiger Woods believe Santa Clause?

A: Because anyone who only has three ho ho ho's can't be real

----

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

----

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Panthean



Congratz Paradox... you won funniest SB moment I've seen

Nico

A shorty.

What does a sadist say to a masochist asking for a spanking?

"No."

Panthean

Quote from: Nicholas on April 29, 2010, 02:15:20 PM
A shorty.

What does a sadist say to a masochist asking for a spanking?

"No."


but that doesn't make any sense... gah?!

Lady Lunarius

I get it!!!!!!! ~Gigglefits at Nic~
LaLu's updated A/A's Updated
LaLu's Delicious treats!
LaLu's O.O's/Current Interests Updated 3-11-23
I am currently NOT open for a few new RP's

Panthean

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.





A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.




and now... some random innuendo and smart *** response moments:

Don't stick your tongue out at me, unless you intend to use it... :p

He said...Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what?

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig! She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said...It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said...If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well. She said...Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener as well.

He said...You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you?

He said...Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said...Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.


I will find you and take you to bed and have my way with you.You will groan,moan,and beg me to stop.I'll exhaust you and leave you weak for days.

..


Sincerely,
THE FLU!
HaHa got you:-)


Autumn52

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.
"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."

They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.

"That's for knowin' the difference......."
May light guide you through your turmoil and may darkness never cross your path.

White Light be upon you if that is your wish

Sanai

Heres one I made up.

Did you hear about Sherlock Holme's career change?
He's a geologist now... He says "Its Sedimentary Watson!"

What have I become?
My Sweetest Friend..
Everyone I know..
Goes Away in the End.
You Could have it All...
My Empire of Dirt
I will Let you down...
I will make you Hurt.

Autumn52

That is good.....Laughing ass off....

Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?

A: A toothbrush.

(bet you were thinking something else giggles)
May light guide you through your turmoil and may darkness never cross your path.

White Light be upon you if that is your wish

Sanai

A proton says to a neutron
"I think I have lost an electron!"
The neutron says
"Are you certain?"
The Proton says..
"Yes! I am positive!"
What have I become?
My Sweetest Friend..
Everyone I know..
Goes Away in the End.
You Could have it All...
My Empire of Dirt
I will Let you down...
I will make you Hurt.

Autumn52

Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''
Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''
May light guide you through your turmoil and may darkness never cross your path.

White Light be upon you if that is your wish

Zebu

Old, but very good.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping together miles from civilization and crime. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, what do you observe right now?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Live forever or die trying.

For Great Justice
--Machiavelli.

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

Panthean

lawlz!

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a burger and a glass of beer. As soon as the beer gets to him, a 12 inch man jumps out of the pocket of a man sitting next to him, runs down his arm, and pisses in his drink. When the burger got there, the man jumped out of the man's pocket, ran down his arm, and took a shit on the burger. The one man looks at the other man and asks him "what's with the little guy" The man replies, "I found a genie and he granted me three wishes, first I wished for a million dollars." The man then hands the other man about a thousand dollars to prove it. "Then," he said, "I wished for all the fine women he could have." He then points out that gorgeous women are sitting at all the tables. "Well," said the first man, "I don't see what any of this has to do with the little man in your pocket." "After that," the man replied, "I wished for a twelve inch prick."

A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.
Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.
Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.
Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.
A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

Autumn52

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday
May light guide you through your turmoil and may darkness never cross your path.

White Light be upon you if that is your wish

Zebu

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
Live forever or die trying.

For Great Justice
--Machiavelli.

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

Autumn52

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?

A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to lie.
May light guide you through your turmoil and may darkness never cross your path.

White Light be upon you if that is your wish