Is Elliquy Cheating?

[Invidiam]

Interesting question. My partner and I were actually discussing this and we both seem to be in agreement that it definitely is not, as long as you communicate to your partner that you are engaging in it and they aren't uncomfortable with it. That said, I would go further and say that the answer is entirely relative. To some people it will be cheating, to some it won't be. There are after all relationships where even sleeping with other people is not considered cheating by the partner as long as it is not hidden. So the answer to this question will lie entirely in the perception of your partner.

[Gman001]

So, I am both Poly and Open. Essentially, my marriage is open to sex outside of it and relationships outside of it. This is not for everyone, and doesn't always work for everyone. We talk about when we are interested in someone else and if any of the partners say 'no I'm not ok with that' it's a no. I have my husband, and I have my boyfriend.

One of the first things people learn about me is that I rp, I will not give up my rping for anyone (with maybe the exception if it became a requirement for me to keep my child and in that instance that is the only way I'd give it up). My roleplaying is a creative and emotional outlet for me. It is legitimately one of my few hobbies, and I have only a few others that only happen a few times a year (going to conventions and cosplaying). I don't play videogames often, I am not interested in going out to sporting stuff, I am happy with my writing.

I let people know I am not someone that will be controlled. I like watching porn sometimes, hell I was a model for awhile, and I like adult rp. Just because I write something sexual with someone doesn't mean I'm going to leave my partner for this other person. Hell, most of the time I rp with my partners as well - it's a bonding experience.

If anyone, partner or otherwise, tried to manipulate me and separate me from one of the few hobbies I have I would flat out say to them (and have said!) "Why are you so scared of me writing these things? You enjoy your porn and gaming, let me enjoy my writing. Just because I'm writing something sexual doesn't mean I want to be sexual with the person I'm writing with. Don't ask me to give up something I love unless you're willing to do the same."

Mind you relationships are about compromise, but if one party is expected to make a compromise on something that's important to them while the other party does not - that is a huge red flag. If you expect someone to give something up, that they love - that is not causing true harm, but you yourself are not willing to make any sacrifices, that's toxic and manipulative. 

Kissing is not sexual to me, cuddling with someone is not sexual to me. The nature of sexual is tied into the situation itself and the people involved. If my partner can't talk to me about their insecurities and why my writing bothers them (mind you I still will not give it up, but I will try to help them with those insecurities) than the issue is much deeper than me writing a cute girl getting banged.

This is how I see it, and how I make myself known. From the start, I make it clear I am a writer, and I like writing in adult situations. If someone is interested in me - they accept that as part of the package or they don't get to be with me, simple as that.

So many clapping gifs I could append to this. Wow. Well said.

[Daena]

I tend to agree with the sentiment that it depends on the relationship and if it is something you are hiding.

Now having said that I do believe everyone is allowed their own secrets within a relationship, but this is just a bit different. I could see how someone could take what happens here the wrong way. After all there is conversations, teasing, and even flirting that happens here, not to mention the erotica that is written. So if it is kept a secret and the significant other finds out on their own - it could lead to issues.

But at its core, I do not see this as cheating, but I would not be too surprised if my Significant Other had issues regarding what it is that happens here, or had questions. Although I do not see myself stopping what I do here, I would set out to explain what happens, and to help them understand that to me this is simply writing. I would wish to ease their concerns and see that they understand to me this is no different then some other common hobbies.

But I could see someone taking issue, but hopefully once they understood they would accept it -- if not it is time to consider the relationship.

At least that is how I see it all. This is something I will not give up - I love writing and doing so with another is a challenge that writing on my own does not provide .

[MidnightMouse]

I think it's a really fascinating actually, and it sparked a wonderful conversation with my other half. For both of us we are in agreement that we do not consider any type of fictional interaction to be cheating or even slightly threatening to the relationship, that being said we do have a pretty open relationship sexually speaking and have always been honest with the other person when it comes to our thoughts and attractions to other people - I'm a little unsure how much weight this carries in our views on this particular question though.

He loves the fact that I am creative, so if that creativity happens to include role plays of a sexual nature with other people, he says he loves that about me too. He doesn't write but has always taken an interest and strives to understand anything that i'm in to, myself the same for him.

I think it comes down to communication with your partner and if there were feelings of guilt associated with taking part in role-plays then it would certainly be worth having a sit down with the other person and going over your feelings about it, once you fully understand why you're feeling that way in the first place of course.

[Nico]

I think it's a really fascinating actually, and it sparked a wonderful conversation with my other half. For both of us we are in agreement that we do not consider any type of fictional interaction to be cheating or even slightly threatening to the relationship, that being said we do have a pretty open relationship sexually speaking and have always been honest with the other person when it comes to our thoughts and attractions to other people - I'm a little unsure how much weight this carries in our views on this particular question though.

He loves the fact that I am creative, so if that creativity happens to include role plays of a sexual nature with other people, he says he loves that about me too. He doesn't write but has always taken an interest and strives to understand anything that i'm in to, myself the same for him.

I think it comes down to communication with your partner and if there were feelings of guilt associated with taking part in role-plays then it would certainly be worth having a sit down with the other person and going over your feelings about it, once you fully understand why you're feeling that way in the first place of course.

I can relate to that a lot. My husband does not write, but he wouldn't ever think of keeping me from a beloved hobby. It is not more for me and it will never be more than that.

And I couldn't agree more. Communication is where it is at.

[karkas132]

It comes down to what each couple personally decides however my wife doesn't care lol. We are secure and confident in our relationship and that any play I do ERP wise is not going to affect our relationship in a negative way, quite the contrary it gives me an outlet for those certain kinky things that she's not particularly into doing. Also I am a story first role player and she knows this, she sees it as no different as when I work on my novel and write a sex scene between two characters.

As long as Im not beating off to my role play and neglecting her needs as a result she doesnt mind.

[Anouk Daae]

So I've been very vocal about how I generally don't think role playing is cheating ever.

Recently some stuff has come up in my life to remind me that there is a grey area.

Specifically, one would need to outline that there is a small but clear different between "cheating" vs "being unfaithful." A lot the time, people can squeeze by through thinking that if you're not physically cheating, then you're fine. An easy way to look at it would be: would I hide this from my partner/ would I be ashamed if they saw this/ would I feel jealous if I discovered they were doing this?
If the answer to all 3 is "No," then you're mostly in the clear. I say "mostly" because it also depends on your relationship dynamic and having that conversation.

I knew a guy who was heavily into smut. His wife found out, and she threatened to divorce him. At first, I didn't entirely understand it. Then I discovered he had been hiding the fact that he was married in order to flirt with some of his other writing partners. I've always been very upfront with my status as a married woman. I keep very clear lines drawn between my writing partners and the stories we write, so with us it never came up. To that end, I can easily see where his wife was upset. He was actively being unfaithful. Even if he never physically touched anyone else, he was being emotionally unfaithful and that is sometimes just as painful, if not more so, than physically cheating.

It also depends on a person's view of sexual intimacy. For me and my husband as an example, we both view sex as a symptom that stems from a deeper emotional connection. If one of us were to get blitz drunk and sleep with someone else - it's not ideal but we would work through it. If, however, one of us were to become emotionally invested in another person - that's cheating and it becomes unforgivable.

Now with regards to writing... Most of us pour our hearts and souls into our characters. Even if we keep a clear line between ourselves and our stories, to some degree we are emotionally invested in those characters. Which means, eventually, we will become emotionally invested in our writing partners. There is a line buried underneath all that grey area murkiness. It depends, I think, on where you take it. Do you let that emotional investment manifest as a relationship which you then squirrel away from your real-life partner, or do you let it manifest as a friendship that you talk openly about with your real-life partner?

If I were to oversimplify is, I would say "If you feel like it's something you need to hide from your partner, then you are cheating."

I used to think across the board that it was - point blank - not cheating. Recently however, I had found myself developing romantic feelings for a writing partner outside of my marriage. I started noticing that I was hiding conversations from my husband. What I did was I had the conversation with my husband. I explained that I loved him and that hadn't changed, but that I wanted to explore my feelings for this other individual. I think what made him ok with it all was that this other individual is a woman, so he doesn't feel threatened. It is a very specific situation for us, and it therefore may not help others.

When I asked him recently what his take on this subject was, he mentioned that his view is based on how open our communicative lines have always been. We trust each other. I've spoken to him about this all before. I'm always very clear and concise with any questions he has, and even with the questions he doesn't think to ask. Full transparency is a corner stone of any healthy relationship. You have to ask yourself 1) is there something you feel you need to hide and then 2) why . Depending on the answers, either you are being unfaithful or they might not be the right person for you.

Yeah, sorry that was long-winded.

[impreg21]

I would not be comfortable with my partner taking part in erotic roleplay with anyone other than me, and I would classify it as cheating; however, I wouldn't mind if it was non-sexual roleplay as that is not different to RPG gaming etc.

After all, there is no doubt in my mind that the people who she is roleplaying with are getting off to it, and she may be turned on by it, too. It's not the same as a generic novel which is written by an author; roleplays are tailored and are intimate.

[Blythe]

I would not be comfortable with my partner taking part in erotic roleplay with anyone other than me, and I would classify it as cheating; however, I wouldn't mind if it was non-sexual roleplay as that is not different to RPG gaming etc.

After all, there is no doubt in my mind that the people who she is roleplaying with are getting off to it, and she may be turned on by it, too. It's not the same as a generic novel which is written by an author; roleplays are tailored and are intimate.

I'm sort of curious though since you're here looking for erotic content. Assuming you do have a partner (I do try not to assume if someone does or doesn't), does that mean what you are doing here is also cheating by your own definition?

Mostly asking because my SO and I are the opposite; she knows I RP here, she knows it is adult content, and she's okay with that. I, in return, am fine with her RPIng any erotica she pleases where she likes. For us it's just fantasy stories, after all.

[Azy]

An interesting question, and I agree that it depends on the individual couple.  I live below a couple who are both extremely jealous people.  The guy will pout if the woman even tells a story about an ex in front of him.  I saw this happen, she was telling me about a guy she dated ten years ago, and it wasn't even I liked him and miss him.  She was telling me how she broke up with him because he was a dick.  The guy didn't like that.  There is also a social aspect here. 

To me, it a hobby.  I am not my characters.  I prefer to write in 3rd person because of personal comfort.  But when I talk to my partners in pm, or post in the social areas, I'm being friendly, not having cyber sex.  To me, if a person I was with didn't like me being on here and writing what I do, I would feel like they didn't trust me.  I don't see socializing online all that much different than hanging out with people in person. 

[Aviva]

A very interesting question, and so here is my opinion.

I used to role-play here on a regular basis (a long time ago) Part of my reason for such a long departure is I got into a relationship with someone who was not comfortable with me roleplaying in sexual contexts and out of respect for them, I did not return to such, even though I thought of here frequently over the years.

However now that relationship has come to an end I feel I am able to return here with a clear conscience and enjoy my time. Which I could never have done while with them, knowing how they felt about it. However, it has brought to my mind, would I give that part of me up again in the future? Honestly, the answer is, I do not think so.

Based on that experience, I think whether it is cheating or not comes down to each couple's decisions and whether they can be happy with their partner doing intimate story telling with other people.  What works for one couple won't necessarily work for another.

[Leon Weber]

Its one of those things that quite frankly needs to be discussed with potential and new partners before going forward.

What quantifies cheating is different for each and every individual relationship which is why clear guidelines need to be laid out by new couples at the beginning so that neither party is confused about what the boundaries of the new relationship is.

Much like to some people flirting or looking at pornography is cheating, to other people even having sex with other people isn't cheating within the boundaries they have set for their relationship, open marriages, polyamory and so forth.

Would I ever personally give up roleplaying, including roleplays that include sex or kinks for a partner? No, I wouldn't personally but I would make that clear when the discussion over boundaries is formed at the beginning of a relationship.

Roleplaying for me is generally story based and not sex-focused but sex is a normal and natural part of human life and while I don't think every story needs sex to feel genuine, sexual interaction makes characters feel more grounded, its also a safe-avenue to explore sexual themes and kinks that one might be unsure of how they feel about in a irl scenario and so forth.

[Vlexia]

Its one of those things that quite frankly needs to be discussed with potential and new partners before going forward.

What quantifies cheating is different for each and every individual relationship which is why clear guidelines need to be laid out by new couples at the beginning so that neither party is confused about what the boundaries of the new relationship is.

Much like to some people flirting or looking at pornography is cheating, to other people even having sex with other people isn't cheating within the boundaries they have set for their relationship, open marriages, polyamory and so forth.

Would I ever personally give up roleplaying, including roleplays that include sex or kinks for a partner? No, I wouldn't personally but I would make that clear when the discussion over boundaries is formed at the beginning of a relationship.

Roleplaying for me is generally story based and not sex-focused but sex is a normal and natural part of human life and while I don't think every story needs sex to feel genuine, sexual interaction makes characters feel more grounded, its also a safe-avenue to explore sexual themes and kinks that one might be unsure of how they feel about in a irl scenario and so forth.

I love this answer. Very well stated and I agree with it completely.

[Silvered Sutures]

I think this is very much a matter of boundaries. Some people will say that sleeping in the same bed as someone else without sex joining the mix is cheating, some people will think that it's stupid to get a two bedroom hotel room when a single bed is significantly less expensive, regardless of whom that implies you'll be sharing a bed with.

Some people believe that playing erotic videogames is cheating, others think its a perfectly acceptable way to deal with your basic urges when your partner isn't in the mood.

Some people think playfully flirting among friends is cheating, and some do not.

Some people think that polyamorous relationships cannot work due to jealousy, some believe its ridiculous to expect one partner to fulfill all your needs and that a small group is much better equipped to satisfy all involved individuals' necessities.

It's important to have a serious conversation with your partner(s) about those things. Some partners believe it to be, some do not, and I firmly think that - much like beauty - cheating is subjective and in the eye of the beholder. It's kind of like you get taught in grade school; when someone states that you've hurt their feelings, you don't get to say you didn't because that wasn't your intent.

[BritBitch]

My last long term ex wasn’t thrilled about it tbh. I don’t think he liked the idea of me talking about that stuff with other people. Plus most adult rp forums have  personals sections and/or chat rooms. I think it can also be about the time devoted to RP and forum participation. I have never been secretive about it, because that just instantly makes it more than it is from the get go. My partner now really couldn’t care less. To him it’s no different to watching porn, I just happen to be writing it myself. It’s really rare that I will watch porn because 99% of it just does nothing for me. He on the other hand enjoys it pretty frequently.

[cindyluv]

I don't think that playing here, on other RP sites or chat rooms is considered cheating ....my wife encouraged me to join here and together we both get a kick out of reading both my posts and my partner's....as she says, this is all fictional, it's not as if we exchange photos of each other, addresses and phone numbers....my wife posts on Literotica.com and I have no qualm about that

[LadyLimeaide]

I think it really depends on the comfort level and the amount of understanding you have with your partner.

Because while it can be considered just a hobby, or acting out fantasies there's a distinct difference between erotic roleplay and sexting.

Sexting is generally an intimate exchange between two people, while roleplaying is an intimate exchange between two CHARACTERS.

It's sort of like asking a porn star if filming a porn with someone besides their partner is considered cheating or not.

Because while the actor is fully entitled to their livelihood and bodily anatomy, their partner may not be able to see the drawn line in regards to the intimate act.

So the bottom line is, if your partner thinks it's cheating there is clearly a discussion that has to be made because while one partner is absolutely entitled to their passion for writing, the other person is also entitled to the idea that intimacy- of any kind- should only take place between themselves and their partner.

Neither is right or wrong but if you can't compromise you might not be able to make the situation work without effort and compromise.

Does a partner have the right to stop you from roleplaying? Absolutely not, but regardless of the reasons you can't fault your partner for their views either.

So then it comes down to, is your partner able to compromise? Are you? Can THEY give you the fulfilment you need by trying out roleplaying, etc?

It's not really a simple yes or no.

[Oniya]

I'm fairly sure that I've mentioned it in this thread before, but whether you're talking about marriage or Monopoly, cheating depends on 'what are the rules you play by?'  And just like very few people actually follow the fine-print, top-of-the-box rules for Monopoly, every marriage/relationship is likely to have its own rules.  Just make sure that everyone agrees to and is following the 'house rules', and you're going to avoid major surprises.

Talk to your partner.  It helps a lot.

(However, if one of your rules is that your spouse/partner must be able to read the RP in question, they do have to be a member of the site.)

[Krasnaya]

I think in order for erotic roleplay to be considered as cheating, one should consider some factors.

I personally don't think not telling your partner you like to write fictional erotic literature with other people is cheating. It's just hiding things, and hiding things is never a good thing. But overall, if the reason why you're writing erotica is for the sole reason as a form of creative relief, or even serves as a practice for writing or maybe even living out a fantasy you simply cannot achieve in the real world (like writing erotica with monsters or aliens or canon fictional characters,) I honestly think that it's quite alright.

However, if you do get a bit too close with your writing partner and take the erotica writing too seriously even to the point where you prefer to write than to be with your real life partner... That could be considered as a red flag.

Even worse if you start to compare your real life partner to your writing or the character that your rp buddy had made... Yeah, that would be the closest to what I would call cheating, excluding getting too close with your writing partner.

All in all, it's all about boundaries.

[ladia2287]

I faced this question with one of my very first erotic RP partners (long before I joined E). He told me pretty early on that he had a girlfriend and asked if I was okay with that. I was single at the time and told him I personally wasn’t looking for anything more than roleplay, and that as long as his girlfriend was cool with it I was too.

I’ve also had romantic partners who have known and encouraged me to explore erotic rp to my heart’s content.

I think it depends on the couple and on the boundaries of each person involved. If all sides know and are cool with it, it’s not cheating. If even one person puts boundaries up and those boundaries are crossed, it is cheating and/or a dick move

[Dor]

I've been in both instances where my ex-partner considered it as me being unfaithful and hated the idea of me writing erotic stories with others, despite the fact that any OOC communication was purely for plotting and general friendly talk. 

My current partner, however, encourages it and loves the fact I am being creative with my writing be it erotic or not. Sometimes he even pitches in his own ideas with me (more for the story rather than the erotic part), and suggests music and images if a particular story I am writing intrigues him. He is totally fine with it as long there is no direct erotic communication with the rp partner (which I wouldn't do, anyways). 

It definitely shouldn't be a secret, but it also depends on the partner and so it needs to be discussed between the couple. Some are okay with it, others are not. It all boils down to honesty and communication. 

[c0i9z]

I don't feel like 'is it cheating'? is a useful question. It's too vague and subjective. More important is 'is it a betrayal of trust'?

If you can't tell your partner because you think they'll be angry about you doing it, it's a betrayal of trust.

If your partner said they're uncomfortable doing it and you do it anyway, it's a betrayal of trust.

If you've talked about it with your partner and they're fine with it, then it's not a betrayal of trust, no matter what anyone says.

[Starling]

So, I recently got into a debate with a friend of mine about role playing sites such as these,  and if they are cheating. I was wondering what all you role players think out there? Is roleplaying, third-person, erotic role-plays cheating? If your significant other was on here writing erotic stories, would you consider that cheating?

I don't think so, considering it's a plot or fantasy you are just having collaborative help writing. I mean I play all sorts of characters and sexualities that I would never take on in RL. So what are everyone else's thoughts?

I don't think so, but then again, I'm not in a relationship. 

As long as you aren't doing mature roleplays to live out your personal sexual fantasies, with someone else, and you're not effectively just inserting yourself, I wouldn't consider it cheating.

However, if you are essentially doing a self-insert roleplay, erotic or not, I do think you are in a sense having a relationship with someone else. At that point, it becomes a matter of communicating with your partner and inquiring whether they are fine with you doing these roleplays. After all, there are at least two people in a relationship, and both partners deserve to make informed decisions. However, if your partner is okay with it, and doesn't consider it cheating, then that's your answer. 

On the other hand, if a disagreement on whether or not erotic roleplaying is cheating means you can't live your life to the fullest in order to appease your partner, it might be time to reconsider your priorities and your relationship. 

But that's just the personal opinion of someone who isn't a relationship expert. 

[Lyndis]

I think this is a fascinating discussion and I'm having a time reading through everyone's opinions on the matter.

It definitely got me talking with my own partner about this, and I think it comes down to the fact that different people have different opinions on what exactly counts as "cheating". For example, I know that there's a term Emotional Cheating where no physical interaction ever takes place and the person is becoming emotionally intertwined with someone other than their partner instead. Which seems... silly? To me personally? But to someone else, who knows.

As long as there's a clearly defined line between fiction and reality, between the authors and the characters, I don't see it being an issue.

[RedPhoenix]

I think the consensus of "it's cheating if you and your partner define it as cheating" is the right one. What is okay and not okay in any relationship is up to the people in it.

If you feel the need to keep E a secret, there's something wrong with your relationship imo. I'm not telling anyone how to live their lives but to me a good relationship isn't one where you keep that sort of thing in the closet and never tell your significant other. If you need to do that to be safe I get that, but to me that also says your relationship is unsafe in general and you should be getting out.

I also have always found the whole concept of an "emotional affair" somewhat silly. I had a friend once being dramatic about having an "emotional affair" with someone in a band she was in with and I was like "soooo you feel a connection to someone and haven't acted on it? That's just called being human." Like did you think the world would stop having people that you might have connections with or feel attracted to in it once you got married? If you don't take it any further that's just life, you move on. I guess back in the day when married women weren't allowed to interact with anyone after they got locked in the house with the kids this didn't come up or something but I don't see the big deal.

I think the sort of more interesting question is "when do you bring it up?" because I dunno about you guys but I've never dated anyone who did online roleplay themselves so it was pretty much always on me to mention "oh by the way I do this, is that cool?" I mean most people will want to define things like are we exclusive irl, what are we telling people our relationship is etc., but usually online writing isn't part of the typical relationship talk, at least not in my experience. I guess the answer is when you've reached the point it's not casual and you've started telling the truths about yourself to see if things are going to be real and you just sort of have to play that by ear?

And yeah, this is an very interesting topic to see everyone's takes on.