Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Rhedyn]

It always brings a smile to my face when I see a discussion about depression, because it reminds me that I am not alone. I was diagnosed at age 7, when I was in such a bad phase of it that I was honestly suicidal. I've been fighting it my whole life, so I can understand what it's like, and I draw strength from knowing that others are out there and dealing with it. That little reminder breaks the isolation and helps me get myself together when I'm dealing with one of those phases.

I would like to end this by saying I will gladly lend an ear to anyone who needs to talk. I know how much that can help.

Thank you ~offer hugs~ I think it's really important to know that others are dealing with it too. Even if you don't want to share or talk about it just knowing there are others helps to alleviate some of that loneliness. You're welcome here, AcademicCuriosity9110.

~leaves hugs for Verasaille and CrownedSun~

[Twisted Crow]

While Thanksgiving with the fam has reminded me what I am glad for in life... I have been coming to a lot of realizations, lately.

For one, people just do not seem to take to me. Hah. I mean, I just find that I am having less and less to say about what I feel or think. Generally I have this "Why bother saying what I feel?" mentality, lately. I dont see much point in wasting words when people don't seem to listen or pay any mind.

I am around people but things I do or say go unnoticed to those that I wish would notice. And those that notice don't know me well enough and think I am going off the deep end because I don't say much. One would think that those are the ones that care but, when I try to open up a bit with them I am met with that same indifference. I am not on any verge of collapse or anything, but I just feel... friendless in these crowded rooms full of people that know me but can't seem to relate. And I dont even believe that its deliberate, either. I just think its just a block. But I still fake it, smiling like I am not bothered or upset when in reality, I know I just need friends. And they don't have to 'get' me, but I just wish I knew more that were sincere, is all.

Honestly, I find more comfort at home by myself with video games or some pens, paper and dice. The repreive is that I have family that sticks around.

[Rhedyn]

~offers Dallas hugs~

I think we all go through periods of that; feeling like no-one really listens, understands or cares. There's one thing I can assure you of and that is that your feelings and your words do matter. When I feel like there's no one to talk to or that wants to hear what I have to say I get it out through journaling, it has been very cathartic for me and a good way to privately vent about my frustrations with people. Sometimes it even helps me to come to some changes that I can make to help myself. My PM box is always open if you want to chat, Dallas. It may not be the same as having someone to talk to in person but the offer is there all the same.

[CrownedSun]

Yeah, ditto, there's a lot that I recognize in what you typed, Dallas. I'm someone that tend to find social interaction,- which I can fake usually,-- pretty draining and stressful myself.

So, I totally understand the temptation to just entertain myself and leave other people out of it.

You're an amazing person, though, and even though it might not always say that-- other people see that,-
I agree with Rhedyn, anyway, journalling or just writing stuff down can be very cathartic.

*also offers some hugs*

[Remiel]

I completely understand what you mean, Dallas.  My sympathies. 

I've learned that there are people who are "toxic"--who will make you feel worse about yourself, even if they do not mean to--and people who are genuine, who make you better about yourself.  Generally it's best to avoid the former type, and try to get closer to, and show appreciation for, the latter type, if you can.

[Twisted Crow]

*hugs all*

I am usually that person that doesnt like to judge what is in anothers heart but when a one-way relationship is made plain... I feel that the right thing to do is just remove the infection and focus on who is really there. Who really listens, who really wants me around... who appreciates me in doing what I do. But, if there is anything I treasure more than anything on E... it's you Lords, Ladies and Lieges. Its the Staff... its the Community. We support each other if we can, we inspire, share and grow.

I truly appreciate these sentiments from you all. Thank you, so much... Rhedyn, CrownedSun & Remy. :-)

[Rhedyn]

<3

[Autumn52]

*offers hugs to Dallas*

The holidays can be stressful and being around so many people who seem to socialize so effortlessly is draining. Sooo many fakers in one room just makes me dizzy. *LOL* I understand the feeling of just wanting to be alone rather than having to interact with those that don't listen or care to understand. *hugs*

I hope that you are feeling a bit better now, Dallas. I will say ditto to what the others have said, 'my PM box is always open'.

*leaves hugs for all that need/want them*

[Sybl]

Hang in there, Sybl ~hugs~

♥ Hugs Rhedyn ♥

I finally have my power wheelchair. I have better control then I ever thought I would. I can go places now that I couldn't for the past several months. I can take my little buddy out again, instead of paying another to take him out. It isn't all roses for me yet. November 30th I should have answers to my future here at home and Elliquiy both. I feel like screaming at times, "I want to live" then I laugh at the foolish statement. I am not dying, I am at risk of losing my eye sight, and that sucks earth worms for someone who writes and creates fractals. So I scream "I want to see" then laugh at my foolish statement again, truth is I love everyone (almost everyone) I have met since coming to Elliquiy.

Bear with me everyone, I am very emotional these days and it doesn't take much to get me bawling like an infant.

♥ and hugs to all who want and needs them.

[Rhedyn]

♥ Hugs Rhedyn ♥

I finally have my power wheelchair. I have better control then I ever thought I would. I can go places now that I couldn't for the past several months. I can take my little buddy out again, instead of paying another to take him out. It isn't all roses for me yet. November 30th I should have answers to my future here at home and Elliquiy both. I feel like screaming at times, "I want to live" then I laugh at the foolish statement. I am not dying, I am at risk of losing my eye sight, and that sucks earth worms for someone who writes and creates fractals. So I scream "I want to see" then laugh at my foolish statement again, truth is I love everyone (almost everyone) I have met since coming to Elliquiy.

Bear with me everyone, I am very emotional these days and it doesn't take much to get me bawling like an infant.

♥ and hugs to all who want and needs them.

~hugs~ I understand how scary that must be. Three years ago some of the meds I was on made me lose sight in one eye. I spent a lot of time wondering during treatment if I would get my sight back or if the issue would spread to my other eye too and what that could mean for me being a single mother and artist. I was very fortunate that the damage was reversible. If I hadn't gotten help when I did it could easily have gone the other way. I am glad to hear your power wheelchair is finally with you though and I really hope that it is helping to make a big difference.

[thebobmaster]

Well, it's after Thanksgiving. Figured this was a good time to post my personal feelings, even with them not being positive, because I feel like this is the family I can talk to, and not feel judged.

Life's not been great for me lately. I mean, in some ways it has. I finally got a job (seasonal, but with very strong prospects of being permanent in January), I moved to a new area for a change in environment, and have returned to college with the goal of transferring to a university for a Pharm D degree, having already obtained my Bachelor's degree in Healthcare Administration and Associate's degree in Pharmaceutical Technology.

But inside, I still feel drained a lot of the time. I'm living with family, but my younger brother is going down a road I'm all too familiar with, but with the added "bonus" of smoking marijuana, my mother is stressed out, and I'm doing my best to keep everyone happy but me. I've almost given up on my being happy without medication. I know it sounds silly and defeatist, but I feel like lately, anything good that's happened has come with some baggage. Yay, I moved to a new place with a lot of job prospects! Unfortunately, my school's accrediting agency wasn't recognized by the university I plan to attend, so I have to make up all the required classes. Yay, I graduated college, twice even! Too bad my great-grandmother died the day after my first one, and my grandma about a month before the second, while I was living with both of them.

I know I'm having a lot of troubles, because even struggling at video games makes me beat myself up emotionally lately. This Thanksgiving, I insisted my mother and brother go down south to celebrate without me, because I had to work. Truth be told, I wasn't too sorry, because I didn't want to face Thanksgiving without my grandmother for the first time. Unless I can get some insurance to see a psychiatrist and psychologist soon, I don't know where I'll be even a few months down the road. I'll be alive physically, I'm sure. I don't want to put my mother through any more stress, after all. But emotionally, I just don't know.

[Autumn52]

Well, it's after Thanksgiving. Figured this was a good time to post my personal feelings, even with them not being positive, because I feel like this is the family I can talk to, and not feel judged.

Life's not been great for me lately. I mean, in some ways it has. I finally got a job (seasonal, but with very strong prospects of being permanent in January), I moved to a new area for a change in environment, and have returned to college with the goal of transferring to a university for a Pharm D degree, having already obtained my Bachelor's degree in Healthcare Administration and Associate's degree in Pharmaceutical Technology.

But inside, I still feel drained a lot of the time. I'm living with family, but my younger brother is going down a road I'm all too familiar with, but with the added "bonus" of smoking marijuana, my mother is stressed out, and I'm doing my best to keep everyone happy but me. I've almost given up on my being happy without medication. I know it sounds silly and defeatist, but I feel like lately, anything good that's happened has come with some baggage. Yay, I moved to a new place with a lot of job prospects! Unfortunately, my school's accrediting agency wasn't recognized by the university I plan to attend, so I have to make up all the required classes. Yay, I graduated college, twice even! Too bad my great-grandmother died the day after my first one, and my grandma about a month before the second, while I was living with both of them.

I know I'm having a lot of troubles, because even struggling at video games makes me beat myself up emotionally lately. This Thanksgiving, I insisted my mother and brother go down south to celebrate without me, because I had to work. Truth be told, I wasn't too sorry, because I didn't want to face Thanksgiving without my grandmother for the first time. Unless I can get some insurance to see a psychiatrist and psychologist soon, I don't know where I'll be even a few months down the road. I'll be alive physically, I'm sure. I don't want to put my mother through any more stress, after all. But emotionally, I just don't know.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling this holiday season. I hope you can get the help you need in order to get to a place that you are happy and healthy. Don't put off your health care, there are programs available in nearly all the US states. MHMR is a great help and they have good prices for the kind of help that you mentioned. *offers hugs*

[Rhedyn]

Well, it's after Thanksgiving. Figured this was a good time to post my personal feelings, even with them not being positive, because I feel like this is the family I can talk to, and not feel judged.

Life's not been great for me lately. I mean, in some ways it has. I finally got a job (seasonal, but with very strong prospects of being permanent in January), I moved to a new area for a change in environment, and have returned to college with the goal of transferring to a university for a Pharm D degree, having already obtained my Bachelor's degree in Healthcare Administration and Associate's degree in Pharmaceutical Technology.

But inside, I still feel drained a lot of the time. I'm living with family, but my younger brother is going down a road I'm all too familiar with, but with the added "bonus" of smoking marijuana, my mother is stressed out, and I'm doing my best to keep everyone happy but me. I've almost given up on my being happy without medication. I know it sounds silly and defeatist, but I feel like lately, anything good that's happened has come with some baggage. Yay, I moved to a new place with a lot of job prospects! Unfortunately, my school's accrediting agency wasn't recognized by the university I plan to attend, so I have to make up all the required classes. Yay, I graduated college, twice even! Too bad my great-grandmother died the day after my first one, and my grandma about a month before the second, while I was living with both of them.

I know I'm having a lot of troubles, because even struggling at video games makes me beat myself up emotionally lately. This Thanksgiving, I insisted my mother and brother go down south to celebrate without me, because I had to work. Truth be told, I wasn't too sorry, because I didn't want to face Thanksgiving without my grandmother for the first time. Unless I can get some insurance to see a psychiatrist and psychologist soon, I don't know where I'll be even a few months down the road. I'll be alive physically, I'm sure. I don't want to put my mother through any more stress, after all. But emotionally, I just don't know.

~offers hugs~ I really hope that you are able to get some help. Sometimes all we can do is take it one day at a time and do what we can. Please, don't give up.

[CrownedSun]

Heh, just found out that I probably have IBS + Celiacs, rather than just IBS as I'd thought. I'm not surprised, I'd wondered if I maybe did, mostly only figured that I didn't due to having heard some real horror stories about people with Celiacs that sounded so much worse than what I have. But, yeah, apparently the stuff that I go through is way worse than what you'd get with just IBS.

...I feel kinda bad that I'm sorta amused that my Mom has IBS too, (and just IBS), but I suppose I can deal with that.

Now they can't eat bread either, hehe. ;P

[Rhedyn]

I'm sorry to hear that, Crowned ~hugs~ at least if you have an idea about what's wrong you can take the steps to improve things.

[CrownedSun]

The thing about this is, it doesn't really change anything for me, since the answer to just about any kind of digestive issue that I've seen seems to be, "Quit eating bread..."

I was already eating bread, I have my problem under control most of the time as long as I do that,-- it means mostly that I have a greater reason to stay true to that, since what I had is a lot more serious, but its not like what I'm dealing with or what I'm currently forced to do to control the problem actually changes.

I figure that's why my previous doctor never bothered to confirm the problem, precisely, because it really didn't /matter/ as long as I was responding to the treatment.

[Lucetta]

Well, the therapist did tell me to talk about things once in a while...

My story starts at the age of four. A loving stepfather began pressuring me to act more masculine and discovered I was surprisingly resilient to his influence. I would have vivid dreams about growing up into a woman quite often, only to wake up unmotivated and sad to face every new day. At the age of six I attempted to bargain just once and find out what their church had to say about the whole thing. What I discovered in the Holy Bible and Book of Mormon was the equivalent of "You'll go the hell." Being very literate for a child opened my eyes to just what sort of childhood I could expect if I told my parents the truth, and so I began to play along with my stepfather for fear of being beaten to a pulp.

At the age of twelve I would attempt a second bargain due to the trauma of hitting male puberty. It was difficult to get on a phone without being noticed by family members, so I visited friends and spent time at a Boys and Girls Club playing Dungeons and Dragons. Naturally, as a female character. Unfortunately, nothing I was being subjected to was considered to be abuse because I was unwilling to blow things out of proportion and harm the rest of my family in the process. My school counselor was tested with a less dangerous secret and couldn't be trusted, so that route was out of the question as well. Depression crept in closer because I felt like a prisoner every day I couldn't leave the house. I was misdiagnosed with ADHD because I couldn't even trust the family doctor with the truth. Ritalin led to starvation and insomnia.

Finally at the age of nineteen, I refused to serve a mission for my family's church and ran off to join the United States Army in hopes of "manning up." After some years of that backfiring I ended up depressed on a clinical level for a while. Only last year did I have the courage to start trying to express my true self. Sometimes that depression creeps up on me again after someone out in public treats me like I'm some sort of alien life form or just a freak. The incidents are occurring less often as I begin to look less and less like a man stuffed into a woman's outfit, but the summer season usually makes me a miserable shut-in.

This remains an illness I suffer from at times. There has always been a dark cloud looming over me. But I am grateful for the many good days I have had lately. If there is hope for me, there is hope for everyone else out there who suffers from this illness known as depression. There were times when it was worse, when I kept backsliding between anxiety and depression instead of settling and comfortably resisting just one illness. Things might be darker this way, but they're finally predictable.

[CrownedSun]

Thank you for sharing that with us, Lucetta.

*offers copious hugs to the Dragon* ♥

[Remiel]

Yes, Lucetta, thank you for sharing.  I can't imagine how tough it must be to be in your position.

[Rhedyn]

Agreed, thank you for sharing your experiences with us, Lucetta ~offers hugs~ I think that you are wonderful, brave and strong and I am glad that you have found many good days among the bad lately.

[Lucetta]

Thank you for sharing that with us, Lucetta.

*offers copious hugs to the Dragon* ♥

*returns the hugs tightly* Hehe... ^.=.^

Yes, Lucetta, thank you for sharing.  I can't imagine how tough it must be to be in your position.

Well, the difficulty makes those moments of happiness very rewarding. Sometimes it feels like it will be an even trade in the long run. I appreciate your response.

Agreed, thank you for sharing your experiences with us, Lucetta ~offers hugs~ I think that you are wonderful, brave and strong and I am glad that you have found many good days among the bad lately.

Thank you, Rhedyn. I'll try to be brave and strong. But I need lots of those hugs. XD

I feel better after sharing. Maybe my therapist isn't a TOTAL quack.

[Rhedyn]

Thank you, Rhedyn. I'll try to be brave and strong. But I need lots of those hugs. XD

I feel better after sharing. Maybe my therapist isn't a TOTAL quack.

Hugs I have plenty to give! ~leaves lots more hugs~

Also, yay for feeling a bit better! It usually helps me to share, it lifts a little of that weight off my chest.

[Clio]

Waiting for my recent medication adjustment to settle, and it feels like I'm just constantly on edge. I'm basically staying at home all the time because my family wants to keep a close eye on me until we're sure it's all working out, but I can feel it all right beneath the surface.

I just hope that the adjustment helps and doesn't make things worse.

[Rhedyn]

Waiting for my recent medication adjustment to settle, and it feels like I'm just constantly on edge. I'm basically staying at home all the time because my family wants to keep a close eye on me until we're sure it's all working out, but I can feel it all right beneath the surface.

I just hope that the adjustment helps and doesn't make things worse.

I hope that it settles for you soon, Christa and has a positive effect. Medication adjustments are never fun to deal with   :-(

[thebobmaster]

Update on my part: I still haven't gotten to a therapist yet (finally got Medicaid, but I don't know if that covers therapy), but my seasonal job has become a permanent part-time position, so at least I have a little bit of consistent income to buy myself some treats. And games, if I'm careful and wait for sales.