grammar/sentence structure help

[wigglebiscuit]

Hi all.

I'm trying to find the best place to seek help with a story I'm writing.
At the moment, I'm wrestling with a short, two sentence paragraph. Something about it just seems wrong to me, but what that is has eluded me so far. (I almost wrote 'alluded me' there...eep!)

I say the literary forum here on elliquiy, but it seems more for professional writers and stuff. I'm just an amateur.
I would have probably taken this little problem elsewhere, but the story is erotic and the only other forum I know of is literotica and that is just ew.

[Moraline]

Best to post these questions here:  Literary Discussion (click me)

Note: The Literary Discussion is open for all. Only the Elliquiy Writer's Group is restricted for those seeking or currently published.

We get a lot of questions up there and you'll find all types of feedback. Also, online GrammarGirl (click me) is a very good reference.

[Oniya]

And really, most of us here are amateurs.  The Literary Forum is for anyone who wants to share/improve their writing.  We do have a more 'intensive' area for the dedicated writer: the Elliquiy Writers Group, which is currently in the process of collecting an anthology for publication.  If that interests you, there's a thread in the Literary Forum to request access.

[wigglebiscuit]

Okay, thanks guys!
I just wanted to make sure before I posted something in there I shouldn't and looked like a heel.