Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Amber Meave]

This probably doesn't help since at the moment I am adrift on that lonely sea of despair, caught amid its whirls and eddies. I just wanted to add my voice to those that can empathize with you. It is like standing outside of life and watching it pass by with nothing but your fingers to claw away at the glass. For now, I don't even feel like struggling, it is too easy to drift with the tide. *hugs* to all who suffer.

Hi Oreo,

The first thing i saw...was your beautiful life inspiring signature text......Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

And  then the words above it registered.
Somewhere inside, hidden, there is a spirited creative intelligent energetic lady who wrote these words. Although you might not feel her or even be aware of her at this moment.
Reading some of what has been written here what keeps coming back is that depression brings you so  out of touch with feeling, with who and how you were before depression, as if you were a different person.
Thank you, for your beautiful words. 

Love
Amber Meave

[Amber Meave]

Even if we grow up in a save loving environment and we can be children till the age of 21, playing, having fun and discovering life. Even then the demands made on our body, our heart and mind are enormous. From when we are very little we are rewarded when we are happy and easy going, when we act in the manner appropriate, when we are good at stuff, when we are good at school and sport an being social. We are being frowned upon or ignored when we are sad in social situations or even at home, when we get mad, when we are clumsy or not good at school, sport or being social.
We learn that being who we are, and being honest about who we are and what we feel inside is not enough to be loved and cherishes. We need to become something else.
The stress of that reality is enormous, but we learn to cope, we adapt. Till we ourselves are no longer aware of the feelings we hide.

Atop of that, we live in a world with a crazy ass tempo and ridiculous amount of stimuli that over-excite our senses and nervous system. 
And in that world we are expected to be perfect students, employees, parents, siblings, children, friends etc…….name it.
Our body is an amazing beautiful product of nature that -from the day we are born till the moment we die-  is constantly doing its best to accommodate to our wishes, while constantly returning to a state of balance.  Until it is no longer able process the activity and stress level we or life throws at it.
If we ignore the alarm  signals long enough, or we don’t even hear them, we become ill, physical, mentally, or emotionally.
We tend to shy away from pain, discomfort, because we don’t want to feel it, we even label pain and illness and not coping as ‘failure’. In doing so we miss the point our body is trying to make: Stop, something has to change.
Our body never lies. What it lets us feel (or lack thereof) is there for a reason. It needs something from us, from life, to restore it’s balance.
The opposite of everything described above:
Unconditional love and permission to feel what you feel, be who you are, at any given moment, and the space to express what goes on inside you. Without having to achieve anything, or show emotions or behavior that you do not really feel inside.
Find people and surroundings where you feel you can be yourself, with everything there is.

Spent time in nature. There is no better place than to return to a Natural tempo and way of living, than nature. Or a monastery.  But that is maybe more difficult and not as appealing to realize ~smiles~.
Although I’m aware  my devotion to it might border on ridiculous ~smiles~, and it’s my path, not necessarily yours:  Yoga and Meditation. I won’t write another page about it here, at this moment,, but will gladly, if you are interested and like to know more about it. Don’t hesitate to write me a message if you want to know more or have another question.


Be kind to your heart,

Love
Amber Meave.

[Ariabella]

So in my never ending saga of one step forward, now 36 back, I no longer have, for all intents and purposes, a job. No one's going to hire me with my limitations and I can't get a doctor to say "You're right, you can't work." Sat. I was told I no longer worked Mon and Tues since business was so bad, but I could "come in every saturday to help them out if I wanted," which sounded like they expected it to be volunteer. I assumed I still had my every other Thursday but no, I went in today and they had Jennifer working and claim "I was told not to work Thursdays". I know what I was told. Anyway, this leaves me at the very least, every other week with no income, and $50 the other weeks. Yeah that's worth going through their psychotic hell for.

And I'm sick currently and aside from my appointment tomorrow, I don't have money for a doctor's appointment and certainly not for medicine. I've applied for cash and medical assistance but because I'm someone who really needs it, they're going to make me jump through hoops. I actually applied a few months ago but they needed a form regarding my medicine from the doctor and the one I took it to dragged her feet filling it out even though when I faxed it I specifically said I would pick it up the next day. My application was of course rejected, but she said the form would put in resurrection status which takes longer but that was months ago and I no longer have months to wait. And why don't they have the forms online so they can be printed?

[Remiel]

I think we need to make a sig image for that.

[Silver]

I think we need to make a sig image for that.

*nods* That we do...

[Amber Meave]

So in my never ending saga of one step forward, now 36 back, I no longer have, for all intents and purposes, a job. No one's going to hire me with my limitations and I can't get a doctor to say "You're right, you can't work." Sat. I was told I no longer worked Mon and Tues since business was so bad, but I could "come in every saturday to help them out if I wanted," which sounded like they expected it to be volunteer. I assumed I still had my every other Thursday but no, I went in today and they had Jennifer working and claim "I was told not to work Thursdays". I know what I was told. Anyway, this leaves me at the very least, every other week with no income, and $50 the other weeks. Yeah that's worth going through their psychotic hell for.

And I'm sick currently and aside from my appointment tomorrow, I don't have money for a doctor's appointment and certainly not for medicine. I've applied for cash and medical assistance but because I'm someone who really needs it, they're going to make me jump through hoops. I actually applied a few months ago but they needed a form regarding my medicine from the doctor and the one I took it to dragged her feet filling it out even though when I faxed it I specifically said I would pick it up the next day. My application was of course rejected, but she said the form would put in resurrection status which takes longer but that was months ago and I no longer have months to wait. And why don't they have the forms online so they can be printed?

Dear Ariabella,
Your words stayed with me since I read them yesterday. I’m speechless. For the total lack of decency where you’re boss and company is concerned. And for not being able to understand how there can be so little social service to help out when you need it. Being human is measured by your ability to fit into the mad race of social adapted behaviour and work, work, work. Well, related to the things I already mentioned above, won’t elaborate on it further.
I guess it makes me mad, for not being able to change that, for you, and how different things would be if courtesy and real interest and care for one another would be the base of society.
I’m a practical person. Do you have people, family, friends, around you who can help you? Who you can turn to?
Love & hug
Amber Meave

[Oniya]

I think we need to make a sig image for that.

100 pixels good?



(Links to the wiki image page for convenient cut-n-paste)

[Ariel]

Oniya, you are amazing.

[Remiel]

So in my never ending saga of one step forward, now 36 back, I no longer have, for all intents and purposes, a job. No one's going to hire me with my limitations and I can't get a doctor to say "You're right, you can't work." Sat. I was told I no longer worked Mon and Tues since business was so bad, but I could "come in every saturday to help them out if I wanted," which sounded like they expected it to be volunteer. I assumed I still had my every other Thursday but no, I went in today and they had Jennifer working and claim "I was told not to work Thursdays". I know what I was told. Anyway, this leaves me at the very least, every other week with no income, and $50 the other weeks. Yeah that's worth going through their psychotic hell for.

And I'm sick currently and aside from my appointment tomorrow, I don't have money for a doctor's appointment and certainly not for medicine. I've applied for cash and medical assistance but because I'm someone who really needs it, they're going to make me jump through hoops. I actually applied a few months ago but they needed a form regarding my medicine from the doctor and the one I took it to dragged her feet filling it out even though when I faxed it I specifically said I would pick it up the next day. My application was of course rejected, but she said the form would put in resurrection status which takes longer but that was months ago and I no longer have months to wait. And why don't they have the forms online so they can be printed?

Ariabella, I am very sorry that you're in the position you're in.   Life certainly seems to kick us when we're down sometimes.

For what it's worth, we do have a Support and Advice for the Struggling forum here on E.  I'm not sure how much of it is applicable to your situation, but hopefully you can find at least some good ideas there.

[Remiel]

And that's awesome, Oniya.

[Ariabella]

Dear Ariabella,
Your words stayed with me since I read them yesterday. I’m speechless. For the total lack of decency where you’re boss and company is concerned. And for not being able to understand how there can be so little social service to help out when you need it. Being human is measured by your ability to fit into the mad race of social adapted behaviour and work, work, work. Well, related to the things I already mentioned above, won’t elaborate on it further.
I guess it makes me mad, for not being able to change that, for you, and how different things would be if courtesy and real interest and care for one another would be the base of society.
I’m a practical person. Do you have people, family, friends, around you who can help you? Who you can turn to?
Love & hug
Amber Meave

I have a friend who takes me around places and helps me out a lot. Financially though? No, not really. She's been unemployed for a year and her employer made certain she couldn't get unemployment. My father's elderly and not in good health, so for now his income pays the rent etc. but certainly not enough left over for my medical expenses. My boss facebooked me this morning (Yes, she deems this acceptable ways to communicate about work) that they were expecting me today. Why would she think I would be? Despite my laryngitis, she had to have heard me when I said on Thursday that as far as I was concerned I was let go...Jennifer had her on the phone. But of course she has her games and lies all set up to screw me from getting unemployment as well.

[Ariabella]

Ariabella, I am very sorry that you're in the position you're in.   Life certainly seems to kick us when we're down sometimes.

For what it's worth, we do have a Support and Advice for the Struggling forum here on E.  I'm not sure how much of it is applicable to your situation, but hopefully you can find at least some good ideas there.

Do we? I'll have a poke around on the thread and see I can find.

[Ariabella]

Ariabella, I am very sorry that you're in the position you're in.   Life certainly seems to kick us when we're down sometimes.

For what it's worth, we do have a Support and Advice for the Struggling forum here on E.  I'm not sure how much of it is applicable to your situation, but hopefully you can find at least some good ideas there.

Oh, well, apparently I'm not even allowed on that board. Thanks for the thought though.

[Oniya]

Sorry about that - it's more that there's not enough in there yet for it to go live.

[Ariabella]

Ahhh.

[Remiel]

Oh, well, apparently I'm not even allowed on that board. Thanks for the thought though.

Whoops.  Sorry about that. :(

[Driskoll]

I feel like I've been learning something the hard way recently. Something a friend told me once that I guess I never really believed until now.

"You can't respect others until you know how to respect yourself."

Looking back I'm amazed some of the same people still talk to me. I think I have a lot of apologies to make.

[Modern Fairy Tale]

I wrote this up where I found this picture.  I thought it was a hopeful theme that we, the depressed, could learn from.  So heres a reprint.



Thanks for bringing this picture up and its relevance.  I was a bit Little Mermaid and Hans C Anderson fan... as you can see by my signature.  Yeah, I knew it wasnt 'Disney' happy ending, but I thought it was beautiful.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Here it goes.  The Little Mermaid doesnt get the Prince... she had only so long to try and win him... the sea hags magic wore off.  So when the sun rose, she turned into sea foam.  (An interesting reversal of Aphrodite's beginning, isnt it?)  But... she now has a claim to a human soul.  She spent time and died as a human, so though she was but a mermaid and lived for centuries under the sea... that was supposed to be the end for her.  Instead, because of the 'gray area' she fell into, the Daughters of the Air (Angels) took her as one of them.  She had to guard a child... and for every smile she made, years were taken off of her service, for every troubled frown, years were added until she finally earned a complete soul and got to go to heaven.

Wow I remember all that from Middle School.  Go me.

Now since I was in a Christian high school when I was going through my literary formative years, I was never told about Anderson's possible inclinations.  Not that it would have mattered to me one way or another... but it would have been an interesting addition to my 'Getting To Know A Gay Person' mission I had during my late adolescence when I was trying to figure out people and reationships and stuff.  Now adding what you have written... and if one thinks about it, its not really surprising with his style... which you get a hint of after youve read some of the collections of his work.

In fact, it gives the tale of the Little Mermaid a lot more depth.  Think about it... she is at sea in her wonderful underwater life.  In the descriptions of her garden, she has an aquatic weeping willow and the roofs of the mermaid city were set with clams instead of shingles... when the tide rushed at them they opened up each one bearing a sparkly pearl.  She sees a man.  Shes gotta have him.  She makes a deal to try and reach him.  He rejects her.  She fails and falls apart  but is then given a chance to over time win herself a beautiful future.  I think its a tale of overcomming the first great defining relationship one has... the one which defines everything and is lost.  We all go through it.  On the other side, though, things rebuild, we get better, and the future isnt just a smouldering pit of ruin but still very beautiful and fullfilling.  It might not be what you wanted originally... but it is no less diminished by the things you have experienced and lost.  What a hopeful theme for a beautiful and moving fairy tale love story... which Disney just had to 'fix'.

This is a nice little footnote to reveal here.  Now if you really want your mind blown... did you know Lewis Carroll is believed to be a pediphille.  He was into photography... and a very major portion of his pictures where of naked, way too young girls.  Somehow he got parents to let take these photographs of thier children 'pretending'.  Thats a harder pill to swallow... glad Ive never been much of an 'Alice in Wonderland' fan... except for the Tim Burton film.

[Amber Meave]

I realized tonight I still retreat when life is rough, because I still expect people to do what they’ve always done when I am honest about how I really feel: I expect them to get mad or turn around and leave.

In the last 18 months  I have encountered the most remarkable people. 
Making me see we can Love in it’s pure sense:   give, freely, without need for something in return.
Making me believe again it is okay to tell when I’m sad or need help.
I am very grateful for those encounters, long and short.
I thought it had changed my childhood base of never being really save into one of feeling save.

I realized tonight that I am still that little girl that learned to survive on her own, that little girl that learned that crying and asking for help meant trouble and being left alone.
Telling the truth, 15 months ago, to the people nearest to me – my parents-  meant losing everything I held dear.: my family. The only way I can be part of my family again, the only way I can see my little niece grow up, is to lie and pretend everything is fine and nothing ever happened.
And as much pain as it causes me that I can’t explain to that little girl why she can never see me again, when I used to spent so much time with her she started calling me ‘mommy’, I can’t lie. Not anymore.  I learned to accept the facts as they are, and that I can do nothing about them.
But what stays is this: if my parents walk away mad when I tell them what hurts so much, how can I expect anyone else to want to stick around when it really matters?

I realized tonight that, what was once a necessary means to survive, became a labyrinth of walls I keep myself prison in. When I’m scared, hurt, wandering in darkness, I keep everyone at bay till I feel fine again. For surely, they will never want to have anything to do with me if I would ask them for help or let them know how I feel.

When I post an email, and there is no response in expected time, the first thing that goes through my mind and sticks there like a poisonous snake is: I said something wrong and will never hear from the person again. 
Although the latter might occur, it hardly ever is the case in reality. But the effect never wears off.

As much steps as I’ve taken in letting people into my life that are good for me and enjoy being with me, trust is still so thin and fragile. 

I have no clear idea how to build a more solid base of trust, but being aware of the above, surely, has to be a start.

[MrCrowley]

You just realize there is something wrong when all things doesn't seem worthy of effort, and you regret your every step.

The apathy, the panic, the fear, the hate... All those things, even if they're dreadful, are your only companions on a difficult journey... A journey through dark lands, since the dark is more pleasant than the sun, somedays.

You sincerely don't care about anything. Yet, you do. You live on a rollercoaster car, one day is full of joy, but the next...

Fleeing is a road many people try to take... But there's no way out. There is?

When you don't have a clue about what the true problem is, and you're also clueless about the solution for it.

This is what I feel. And if anyone is reading this and feeling at least a bit like it, know that you're not alone.

[marauder13]

While I have not read everything in here yet, what I have read strikes so close to home sometimes it is both scary and reassuring, both for the reason that I am not the only one who thought that, went through that, witness that.

I fell in love with a woman a little over 20 years ago, who was already diagnosed with clinical depression before we had even met. It surprised me to find out that she was suffering depression, because back then, I had all the stereotypical outlooks concerning the illness and she showed absolutely none of the signs. But I weathered the times when the depression ruled her with an iron fist, because the times where it didn't, she was the most magnificent woman I had ever met, and we had great times together. So, I knew what I was in for when I asked her to marry me, and now, closing on 16 years later, we're still battling the evil spectre that it depression. Only now, on two fronts rather than just one. About 9 years ago, I was diagnosed, but mine was nowhere near as severe as my wife's, but it added another level of complication to our life together.

But there were some recent additions to the blog that finally prompted me to finally say something here myself.

<snipped>

As much steps as I’ve taken in letting people into my life that are good for me and enjoy being with me, trust is still so thin and fragile. 

I have no clear idea how to build a more solid base of trust, but being aware of the above, surely, has to be a start.

Amber, my wife felt the same way, particularly about me when she started feeling strong emotions toward me. She was afraid of what would happen if she declared her love for me, and that the foundations of trust weren't strong enough. Yes, they were thin and fragile, and she told me that's how she felt. Together, we worked to make then thicker, stronger and more resilient. Every time you do something positive with the people you have that thin bridge with, another layer will be laid down, making it stronger. One step at a time, doing what you feel is best with them. Don't think about it too much. In time, you'll look back and see how far you've come and be really impressed with yourself.

There was more that I was going to say, but it all came out sounding like a long winded rambling pile of dribble. So, on that lovely note, I'll stop here.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to have a read.

[Amber Meave]

While I have not read everything in here yet, what I have read strikes so close to home sometimes it is both scary and reassuring, both for the reason that I am not the only one who thought that, went through that, witness that.

I fell in love with a woman a little over 20 years ago, who was already diagnosed with clinical depression before we had even met. It surprised me to find out that she was suffering depression, because back then, I had all the stereotypical outlooks concerning the illness and she showed absolutely none of the signs. But I weathered the times when the depression ruled her with an iron fist, because the times where it didn't, she was the most magnificent woman I had ever met, and we had great times together. So, I knew what I was in for when I asked her to marry me, and now, closing on 16 years later, we're still battling the evil spectre that it depression. Only now, on two fronts rather than just one. About 9 years ago, I was diagnosed, but mine was nowhere near as severe as my wife's, but it added another level of complication to our life together.

But there were some recent additions to the blog that finally prompted me to finally say something here myself.

Amber, my wife felt the same way, particularly about me when she started feeling strong emotions toward me. She was afraid of what would happen if she declared her love for me, and that the foundations of trust weren't strong enough. Yes, they were thin and fragile, and she told me that's how she felt. Together, we worked to make then thicker, stronger and more resilient. Every time you do something positive with the people you have that thin bridge with, another layer will be laid down, making it stronger. One step at a time, doing what you feel is best with them. Don't think about it too much. In time, you'll look back and see how far you've come and be really impressed with yourself.

There was more that I was going to say, but it all came out sounding like a long winded rambling pile of dribble. So, on that lovely note, I'll stop here.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to have a read.

Thank you for sharing your personal story, and for choosing to see Love and Beauty, despite the darkness that was there.  Thank you for the hope in your words.
There is one sentence I will take with me in my heart:

Every time you do something positive with the people you have that thin bridge with, another layer will be laid down, making it stronger.

A sparkle of light.

Amber.

[Driskoll]

I'm back to second guessing everything I do. Every time I go to say something I'm so afraid of how it will be taken, I end up saying nothing.

But if I sit back and do nothing, it's so easy to just listen and brood. All that leads to is me snapping at someone again.

I feel like a broken record.

[Adammair]

I'm back to second guessing everything I do. Every time I go to say something I'm so afraid of how it will be taken, I end up saying nothing.

But if I sit back and do nothing, it's so easy to just listen and brood. All that leads to is me snapping at someone again.

I feel like a broken record.

+1

You're not alone, Driskoll. Others feel that way, too. Like me, for one.

[Driskoll]

Thank you. I know I'm not the only one, but sometimes I still need to hear it.