Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Conflict]

Thanks for the kind words, Oniya. I do have all of those outlets, and several more. The problem isn't really that I'm too full of emotion, it's just that there are days where my utter loneliness really gets to me, despite having so many friends that I can talk to about anything. That is usually enough, but sometimes it isn't, and I don't know whether I'm ready to accept that true understanding between two people is impossible.

[Night Stalker]

Merry Christmas
Brightest Blessings and Hugs to all.

[Tigataga]

I've suddenly started getting bad again recently, I don't know why and I can't particularly put my finger on it. I've just been feeling down for now reason, lethargic and uncaring about a whole lot, feeling numb towards my family which worries me terribly, like, I feel nothing towards them, which makes interaction worrisome.
I'm literally questioning if I actually have any friends at all, having no contact with them of late unless I initiate, and even then, it's so brief I wonder if I'm even noticed at all. There's literally no chance of me finding anything relationship wise in the area I'm living in right now, and you have no idea how could it would feel to just snuggle into someone's arms and bawl my eyes out right now.
I don't have any distractions, so all these waves of emptiness just keep hitting me and I don't know what to do about it, I want to talk to someone, but I feel like the only choices I have are either over the phone to someone who won't be able to help, or my parents who don't really know what to do. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to take it.

[Remiel]

I know how you feel, Tigataga.  I know it's very difficult.  All I can really say is hang in there.

Do you have the resources to make an appointment with a psychiatrist / psychologist?  It might be worth looking into whether your health insurance will cover some or all of the cost.  If you're a student, check with the student center.  Most universities have some sort of counseling service available.

Sometimes it really helps to just be able to talk to someone who will listen.

[Rhedyn]

~offers Tigataga hugs... and Remiel since he's here and all~

Please don't give up Tigataga, hang in there, it does get better. I echo Remiel's suggestions, it really does help to speak about it, particularly to someone who is impartial to your personal situation.

I've been exactly where you are now, the numbness is worrying. There have been times when I've just wanted to be able to have some kind of emotional release but haven't been able to feel anything in order to do it.

If it helps at all you are amongst people that understand what you are going through.

[Tigataga]

I don't know lately, I'm gonna wait to see how I feel come tomorrow and then I might be going to see one of my workers, depends on how much I want to throw myself against a brick wall. I've taken a bit of an extra dose for my sleeping tablets too cause I've not been sleeping too well lately, but I'm a bit worried about if my tablets are doing anything at all. Ugh, I do need to speak to someone soon though because I do feel just so... Well, ugh.

[Ember Star]

There is a moment when you realize just how alone you are. When you crave the thing you once clung to for security and search without profit for something to fill the gap. Even though you know that thing was just a gap filler anyway. And you question once more "is life even worth living? What's the point? Where's the hope?" It all comes crashing down upon you at once in a wave and you realize just how broken you really are.

I had that moment just now. IDK. Watched a episode of My Little Pony then suddenly bursted into sadness and tears and suicidal thoughts. I always seem to jump to suicidal thoughts even though I've never acted on them.

[Rhedyn]

~offers Ember Star hugs~

[Giantmutantcrab]

For what it can be worth...

Alcoholics Anonymous function in the first stages of dealing with problems by slicing the day up into smaller segments.  Sometimes, 24 hours seem like a long, loooong time.  So maybe going for just half a day at a time?  4 hours at a time?  Not too long ago, I was dealing with 15-minute sections of my day.  Just...  doing something to fill that time, and then preparing for the next one.  Little things, small things that help make me feel a sense of worth, and accomplishment.  Not climbing Kilimanjaro, but simple stuff.

And keep that "emergency happiness" close-by.  Those things that always make you laugh, or smile, or make you feel light-hearted for a moment.  For me, it's "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?".  The scene when Eddie Valliant enters Toontown for the first time in the movie, with the birds saying "Hello Eddie!  Hello Eddie!  Hello Eddie!  Bye Eddie!"  Or or a nice, happy, uplifting song.

Like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clJb4zx0o1o

I know, it's not much.  And sometimes, it dosen't take much to go either way.  To slip into that dark, spiraling abyss...  Or to step back from it.  Sadness, like happiness, sometimes comes from unexpected places.  But there is a time where all the music in the world, and all the funny toons and cheap laughs aren't enough...  If you need to get help, go get it.  Regardless of how you ask for it, ask for it.  Don't hesitate, don't keep it inside.

I can't answer about the worth of life.  I do know that it's the only one we have...  So we might as well make the best of it.

[Rhedyn]

Thank you for your input Giantmutantcrab.

I agree with trying to achieve small goals. For me, splitting my days into time slots put too much emphasis on time itself so instead I would set a mini goal such as 'get out of bed' or 'get dressed'. It helped me, if nothing else, to get the stuff done that I really had to get done. On the days I wasn't quite so deeply entrenched this gave me the encouragement to take another tiny step...something less necessary but more for me.

[JarsofPickles]

BLAH BLAH BLAH don't need to read this

Reading this blog and some of the responses has made me tear up in a big way.

I've had my share of problems and to be honest it's turned me into a hermit. My family is angry-worried, at the point of yelling at me (although that was always their way) to try and get me to "wake up". I've become a hermit, and if I don't manage to do everything they want, they threaten to take away what is dearest to me: the internet. My games, my social life, my time, all of it is online. I'm on welfare, living with my family who is also on welfare, and all I want to do is stay online, where I can talk to people, surround myself with smiles, and imagine I can float away to another time and place and world. I want to wake up to another realm, sometimes, and just find out I've... been in a coma, or something. Sometimes I think it'd be better to slip into a coma so that I could dream without end. I get very little physical touch because as a child, with the issues I had, I pushed my family away hoping that somehow, maybe, maybe they would push back, make me feel loved, wanted. I didn't get that, and still haven't, not really. Not the way that I need it. Because in reality, if my family tried at this point, I wouldn't believe it. It wouldn't feel real.

Between that and the depression that has consumed so many hours, so many days, turned my life into a blur of waking moments that fade into crying myself to sleep, you could say I'm not in the best of places. I've learned to see myself as separate from other people because even though I can get so close to being normal that I can taste it, I'm not. And I don't really want to be. It's like there's an invisible wall between me and everyone else and it isn't fair.

I'm good with words. Horridly good. It's a blessing and a curse; I can write beautifully at times, but it also means that with my natural charisma and intelligence therapists see nothing wrong with me aside from insecurities, and therapists don't work for me anyway because they don't want to know me. They don't care about me. To them, I'm money.

So yeah... I guess I kind of put out a bit of a text wall there... but long story short, here's my real point: you, yes you, you are amazing. You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and ever will meet. I may never interact with you past you reading this post, but I guarantee you, you are cared about. I love you. I love you so very frighteningly much. If you asked for the moon, I would bring it to you that night.

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, come to me. I am here for you. I know how it feels to be depressed. I will wait with my arms open wide, and I won't let go until you can't handle being held for a single minute longer because you really need to use the washroom or something. Even then I'll be reluctant to let go so here's to hoping you aren't shy. :P

And if that hasn't made someone's day, then I apologize. I know it hurts, and all I can do is share my own thoughts and feelings, try to give you what I can't have, and hope that avoiding the unhelpful, repetitive bull that people spout out of ignorance and lack of empathy. Wherever and whenever you are, be safe, and I hope you have a cheerful day today.

[Ryo242]

Instead of the moon, I'd like you.  At least for cuddles~

---
I was treated for depression at an early age, they say it's from my parents splitting up but I don't think that was real depression as much as it was boredom of things.  I've been kinda too smart for my own good, which means I can analyze situations and come to conclusions far faster than I should or what ends up being good for the people whose problems I like to try and fix...

The real depression came from a girl.  One girl in particular.  It was just after failing out of college (Mandatory attendance or else they can fail you, regardless of acing tests. Blegh), and joining a roleplaying site.  I met her online. She lived nearby.  We met.  I had my first and only kiss.

I had thought that I would live my life for someone else.  Being there, supporting, just existing for the sole purpose of fulfilling someone else's dreams while still being myself...  But it didn't work out.  Her stress was not something I could solve, nor could I even make visits... I felt helpless, and then she threw it back on me by telling me things were my fault.  Gullible and vulnerable, I fell for it.

It took two years.  By then, I was on auto pilot and not really caring.  I always never really cared about things, being boring or just not my problem... but I was definitely more aware of my uncaring nature.  Things I did, such as gaming and anime, made me angrier or less fulfilled.  I hated watching other people in couples.. staring jealous at things I felt I would never have.  Until...

Best Friend:  "Hey, have you heard about the new My Little Pony series?"
Me: "Um.. what?"
Best Friend:  "You gotta trust me on this.  It's not a bad show.  Just watch it."

Turns out.  O.O It was a surprising shock of good.  Like eating some really spicy chili that tastes not all that terribad.  BAM!  I felt better.  The inherent false need to please other people was replaced by: "Why the hell is this show about ponies so damn good?" (Pardon the language)  Recently, I was able to rewatch a series I had watched before that always brought back the bad memories... and I was okay with that.  I made a mistake.  I am over it.  Will make plenty more mistakes.
---
So I guess to sum up and help out other people...
Find something childish to do that you did before you were sad.  It might help.  Also hugs.  Get hugs.  I didn't get enough when I was feeling bad, but human contact is scientifically proven to help you.  Releases all those good feelings.  HUGS AND PONIES.  Hug your best friend.  Hug your family members.  Hug random people you meet on the street (If they agree). 

[Minato]

I'll add in my own experience. Kind of long.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

It was the ninth grade, finally transitioning to moving higher, feeling like you were given higher equality and standards. Yet the work had doubled up on my mentality. I was getting stressed. My paretns wanted me to become a hihg level student when they know I wasn't the eprson for it. Now, that does not mean I was misfit or a dunce who cheated. I was very capable of getting A's and beyond. But education never gave me enthusiasm, more so once I realized that it's best to head to a community college, learn there, and find who you were. But that's not where I'm heading to. Now, it's ninth grade, work, stress, teachers looking at me with disappointment.

I was fueled with hatred, anger, sadness, felt as if in a pit of despair. I don't know exactly what it was. I was a perfect human being. But once class started, I entered the room, took my seat and began bawling into the sleeve of my jacket. I had no reason to. I had pets, nature's anti depressants, a loving family, I didn't work, I had everything that a child need. So what was the reason for having to cry? That's what still makes me worried today. It escapes my grasp of why I was crying with no chance or evidence that something was wrong. People believed I was suicidal or not in the best mental health. Once I headed home, I was myself but in that institution called high school, I felt threatened, my sanity collapsing.

I needed professional help, not from the school itself but also outside services. They talked and asked what was wrong, I gave them that there was nothing wrong, I had wonderful friends that cared for me who are still with me today, five to six years later. They never saw me cry by the way. Now it might sound foolish that I had no reason to be in a depression and it is not valid. But the problem was, I couldn't do work, I couldn't think rationally, I was stricken with symptoms so close to depression when the cause didn't even exist. I couldn't even properly learn. This happened since the beginning of High school up until winter, so four to five months, grades plummeting down the drain.

Then, it stopped. I don't know what it was. I felt empowered. It was a horrible experience but without it, I believe I wouldn't be the same person. I was borderline failing all my classes and I laughed to myself. Everyone looked out for me, saying I'd have to go to summer school, to which I replied by shaking my head and gaining motivation to pass. I put work into everything I have done for finals, coming out with a bad G.P.A that hampered my education at the time. It didn't matter to me, cause by the time I escaped the submission hold depression had on me, I felt loved, even when no one was actually loving me. I'm not sure, maybe I was possessed. Either way, I became a better person.

In honesty, sometimes, the cause or experience can be quite horrific. But at the end of the day, ask yourself. Once you left that depressed state or battling it. Did it make you feel like a better person? Making you value the friendships and belongings close to you instead of before? We take things for granted and can easily be taken away by fate or some unknown power. Not heading to a religious topic but in a timely manner that all things expire. Best to love them, if not, you will miss them more.

Honestly, I was never truly free till after that moment cause I told everyone I knew, teachers, peers, friends and family that I want to be me and not be a factor or a by product of societies supposed stereotype of children. I was a human being with free will and I choose to move at my pace. Anything else, you'll be disappointed. In return, it allows individuals to come know me, wanting to know who I was and show them that there are people that genuinely can think for themselves and not blinded by materials.

If you are the kind that don't like reading and prefer a short version. Don't give up, depression hampers with many things in your daily life. But the blessing of a depression is when one kicks it away, cause now you can appreciate things next to you. It is best to take what you got out of the experience in a positive light instead of a negative pattern. Believe me, you will grow to learn and love what is around you and eliminate waste that only hampers the safe, mental health all humans need. You are never alone, never for a second truly think that you are alone. Cause you will be wrong, someone, anybody will always have your side and wants to help you, even when it is someone else. They will love you, cherish you and give you hope for what's to come.

Remember this though. Your best source for love, is yourself. If you don't love yourself, why would anyone else show it to you? And in the end, we all need a hug, no matter who it is from. That's why I help those that are in need of my opinion, I care for the best in them, not wanting to see them in a sadden state, knowing that I'm there for them, every step of the way.

[Rhedyn]

I just wanted to say welcome to all the new faces and thank you for offering up your experiences and support. I think I speak for everyone when I say it's appreciated and that you are among people who understand.

~leaves hugs for all who need them~

[Night Stalker]

Leaves good thoughts and Hugs for all who need them.

[TwistedAlice]

Depression is a difficult thing, it never fully disappears, you can only learn to suppress it/deal with it/ignore it, which in itself to me, is a depressing thought! I have had various treatments, medications and therapy, while in the short term is great, I find myself slipping back into its cold embrace not long after. I have autism and think this could be the source of at least some of my anxiety, but the best I can suggest is to keep through the rough patches as the happy times always make it worth it! Talk to people, dance in the street, make cupcakes and pass them out to sad looking businessmen, be out of the ordinary and have fun!

[Tigataga]

Urgh... me again.

I have this terrifying feeling that I'm gonna end up verbally attacking my psychiatrist this week. Yes, I'm sick of being told answers that I don't like hearing, but that I can look over because I know it's being helpful. What makes me so angry and frustrated I keep being told by some people who are closest to me that I need to just ignore all of these emotions of depression, anxiety and sadness and just numb myself to them, not talk about them and just let them brew under the surface until I don't know what to do with them. And when I try to talk to someone, in most cases being my family, I just get this tone of dejection and annoyance, like "oh here we go again", when I just want some fucking support in my life.

I'm being told that I need to want to help myself, but if no one else gives a damn then what the hell is the point in me giving a damn? What's the fucking point in talking to them at all if when I really need them most they're just going to attack me and literally just say that they don't know what to reply with and giving me the impression that I should just keep everything to myself. And yet I'm expected to try and get better without any help? I can't fucking handle this >.<

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get that off my chest.

[Remiel]

Feel free to rant away, Tigatiga.    I'm sorry that your family isn't any help to you.   Why do you feel like you're going to end up verbally attacking your psychiatrist?

[Tigataga]

A few reasons in all really, the above being a major factor. The others, well, I've done a smart thing and actually written them down so I know what to mention at my appointment come Wednesday;

• Difficulty having positive thoughts, quickly turns negative and into "I can't do this/that".
• Cannot control emotions, often feeling angry, sad, empty or numb, rapid switches between them.
• Have trouble keeping myself in good moods when being social.
• Finding myself more numbing my thoughts rather than trying to make them positive, often finding them coming up when trying to make myself feel positive.
• Beginning to have trouble communicating with my parents.
• Starting to become more introverted and less inclined to focus on social activities.
• Frustrated by the lack of consistent psychiatrist.

So, with all that piling up, and the likelihood of it being a FORTH psychiatrist, as well as more likely than not going to be told that all I can do right now is push myself to get better, which is apparent that it's not working, I think I may explode

[Remiel]

Those are excellent!  It's very good that you've analyzed yourself and pinpointed the reasons.  Take that list with you and show it to the psych.

[Rhedyn]

~offers Tigataga hugs~

It's really good that you have been able to pinpoint the issues for you, as Remiel said, definitely take it with you and speak about it.
I'm sorry that you're not finding much support from those around you in your life and I hope that things improve for you over time, it's a long, slow process.

With regards to your first one I have found that you sort of have to retrain your brain and the way it thinks. Positive affirmations can really help but it still takes a lot of time. Every time you have a negative thought write it down and turn it into a positive sentence as if it were already true. For example "I can't be social" can be turned into "I am social", keep this list with you or where you can see it every day and read through the positive statements, try to state them out loud and gradually, over time, you start to believe them about yourself. The hardest part is overcoming the negative thoughts that take over. It may help for you, it may not, but perhaps it is worth a try..?

[Tigataga]

Ugh, my appointment's in an hour and I feel like I'm gonna be sick. This isn't gonna end well I can feel it =/

[Rhedyn]

Awww, I hope it goes ok for you.

[Remiel]

We'll be crossing our fingers for you, Tigatiga.

[Remiel]

Interesting discussion, courtesy of shjade, about Depression Quest, a choose-your-own-adventure type game created to explore the topic of depression, over in the Bad & Ugly board.