The Unofficial Thread of Dirty Limericks

[CirclMastr]

Since I can't find a thread dedicated to dirty limericks and feel that to be a gross injustice to the community, I've decided to start one.

To open, here's a Star Wars themed one I wrote for an offsite game:

There was a twi'lek from Naboo
Who constantly wanted to screw,
  Come rain or come shine,
  From in front or behin'
With human, wookiee, or R2.

And here's a much less bizarre one written by the great Isaac Asimov:

On a bridge that went 'cross a ravine
Archibald had been screwing Kathleen.
  The force of his lunge
  Caused the whole thing to plunge.
The worst fucking disaster I've seen.

And finally my own rebuttal to the good Dr. Asimov:

Why poor Isaac is wrong is no mystery;
The worst fucking disaster in history
  Was when handsome young Dan
  And his fuck-bunny Anne
Found out they were brother and sistery.

Ah, dirty limericks, one of the lost arts.  Come on folks, take a stab at it!

[TheAlchemist]

While we're on the subject of Asimov then...


Well the Doctor's well known publications,
of Robots and shadowy Foundations,
   are missing, it seems,
   those most gripping of scenes,
those of lewd and obscene fornications.

[CirclMastr]

All my reading has left me forlorn,
And television has me torn.
  For I'm very horny
  And I just cannot see
How anything else can beat porn.

[TheAlchemist]

While porn is all good and well,
And can surely make bits of me swell,
   Still it cannot compete,
   With the real feel and heat,
of a sexy and like-minded belle.

[CirclMastr]

While a living girl's all well and good,
I weigh much much more than I should.
  So I'm left all alone
  With no girl of my own
To satisfy my raging wood.

[TheAlchemist]

Oh do not despair, CirclMaster old chum,
One can be desirable AND big in the bum,
   it's all in the head,
   who you get in your bed,
She won't leave once you get her to cum.

[CirclMastr]

The problem, TheAlchemist pal,
Is initally wooing the gal.
  All my words are for naught;
  My fat gut's all I got,
Like a giant "Not Sexy" decal.

[TheAlchemist]

A conundrum, this much I'll concede,
One last thing, before I recede -
   lose not hope, I don't kid,
   as every pot has it's lid,
So for you there's a wench with a need.

[CaptainErotica]

 A little pirates shanty i found. I was hoping ot find the version I heard while aboard a Pirate Ship at one of my SCA events, but I guess it never found it's way to the net.

Barnacle Bill

":Who's that knocking at my door? :
Who's that knocking at my door?"
Said the fair young maiden.
It's only me from over the sea,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
My ass is tight, my temper's raw,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I'm so wound up I'm afraid to stop,
I'm looking for meat or I'm going to pop,
A rag, a bone with a cherry on top,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

2. : I'll come down and let you in, :
I'll come down and let you in,
Said the fair young maiden.
Well, hurry before I bust the door,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor
I'm hard to windward and hard a-lee,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I've newly come upon the shore,
And this is what I'm looking for,
A jade, a maid, or even a whore,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

3. : Oh, your whiskers scrape my cheeks, :
Oh, your whiskers scrape my cheeks,
Said the fair young maiden.
I'm dirty and lousy and full of fleas,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor
I'll stick my mast in whom I please,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor
My flowing whiskers give me class,
The sea horses ate them instead of grass,
If they hurt your cheeks, they'll tickle your ass,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

4. : Tell me that we'll soon be wed :
Tell me that we'll soon be wed
Said the fair young maiden.
You foolish girl, it's nothing but sport,
Says  Barnacle Bill the Sailor
I've got me a wife in every port,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor
Off I go on another tack
To give some other fair maid a crack,
But keep it oiled till I come back,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
or
: Who's that knocking at my door? :
Who's that knocking at my door?
Said the fair young maiden
It's only me from over the sea,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor,
I'm all lit up like a Christmas tree,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor,
I've sailed the seas until I'm broke,
I drink and swear and gamble and smoke,
But I can't swim a bloody stroke,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

2. : Are you young and handsome, sir? :
Are you young and handsome, sir?
Said the fair young maiden.
I'm old and rough and ready and tough,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor,
I never can get drunk enough,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor,
I drinks my whisley when I can
Drinks it from an old tin pan,
For whiskey is the life of man,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

3. : I'll come down and let you in, :
I'll come down and let you in,
Said the fair young maiden.
Well hurry before I break the door,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor,
I'll rip and rave and rant and roar,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor,
I'll eat your cakes and I'll eat your pies,
I'll spin ye yarns and I'll tell ye lies,
I'll kiss your lips and I'll black your eyes,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

4. : Tell me when we'll meet again, :
Tell me when we'll meet again,
Said the fair young maiden.
Never again, we'll meet no more,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
Tonite I'm sailing from this shore,
Says Barnacle Bill the sailor.
And if you wait here till Kingdom Come,
Sittin' and waitin' and suckin' yer thumb,
You'll be waiting here till the day of yer doom,
Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


The one i heard went something like this:

He placed his hands upon her thigh ya ho, ya ho. He placed his hands upon her thigh, she said hey sailor yer way to low, he's barnacle bill the sailor....The rest of the lyrics follow simialr form, with him finally hitting the spot.



 

[CirclMastr]

That's no limerick at all!

To get us back on theme, here's another contribution from Dr. Asimov:

Said a fading old lecher named Cardigan,
"I'm afraid that I'll never get hard again.
  What's more, the girls know
  I've this trouble, and so
At the local bordellos, I'm barred again."

[CaptainErotica]

  Sorry I always thought Lymric was a synomym for music lyrics or poetry. Didn't mean to hijack the thread. :-[

[TheAlchemist]

Limericks are actually these 5-line thingies circl and me have been jotting down, and follow those same basic rules of weight and rhythm.

This next one is from the first Playboy magazine I ever got my grubby little hands on (at least I'm pretty sure it was the first). My English wasn't nearly good enough back then, and I had to resort to the dictionary to even understand what it meant, but that just proved to me Playboy was an EDUCATIONAL publication :P

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee,
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree,
   Jeered she - shift your whopper,
   You careless limb-lopper,
That's a moss-covered knothole, not me!