People never cease to amuse me

[Ket]

Occasionally I become bored and start looking through the personals on Craigslist.  Yeah, I know, it's stupid.  It's still a good laugh.  And definitely better than watching a Will Ferrel movie.

Most of the time it's your average people whining about how they have no love life.  But today, three ads made me laugh so hard that I fell off my couch, and risked having to wash my pants...

I felt compelled to share them with you.

PST Donkkeykong on Onyxia


i'll be your epic loot :3

Newly relocated from Northern Virginia via New Jersey, Italian kewl-smart judiciary bailbond hombre seeks 007 type bondgirl down here on the Virginia peninsula to help me administratively with my bailbond/fugitive recovery biz down here in this violent crazy off the hook area -I recently appeared in the movie titled Body of Lies starring leonardo Dicrapio lol as a British military SAS anti-terrorist commando-give me a holla

Are you my next Domino type Stephanie Plum bounty hunteress?? hhhmm I can teach you and get you licensed

And, the best for last...

Please take the time to answer ALL questions honestly and fully... Thank you

Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in your mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is sexy.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.
Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus points if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).

[Trieste]

... am I the only one tempted to fill that out and send it back with a note saying, "I'm not actually interested in dating you. I just wanted to know how I score."..?

[Ket]

-snickers-  Nope, I thought about doing so as well. 

[Cherri Tart]

*laughs* umm... i so answered everything in my head as i read along - i think i might even have a shot ;D

[Oniya]

There's no option on the 'throwing change' one for keeping the money he throws and using it to buy sex-toys to use while he's playing video games/tabletop games/fantasy football...

[Trieste]

Oooh. I like that idea.

[Oniya]

I don't think outside the box - I deny that the box exists.  ;D

[Cherri Tart]

wait... there's a box?  why didn't anyone tell me this?

[Apple of Eris]

I definitely failed this. Especially after my answer to the change one was roll them up and then hit him with the roll of change.

*shrug*

[Maeven]

Ok. I have to admit to feeling a certain sense of intrigue at the sense of humor and ingenuity displayed in Mr. Survey Guy's add. But I'm just weird like that. Go figure.

[Chris Brady]

... am I the only one tempted to fill that out and send it back with a note saying, "I'm not actually interested in dating you. I just wanted to know how I score."..?

I'M tempted to fill it out with the same.

[Bliss]

wait... there's a box?  why didn't anyone tell me this?

C'mere Cherri. I'll show you the box.
*cough*



Am I the only one thinking, "This dude is a total hoot, we should invite him to Elliquiy"?

[Trieste]

Maybe. I wonder about his issues with crying and think that it may get in the way of his enjoyment of NC.

Or possibly not.