Sarah Palin in Fallout New Vegas

[Neysha]

Chapter 62: Why Aerial Hunting is a Good Idea

Melissa, the final Khan I am supposed to meet, is up in those hills somewhere... Unfortunately it's also filled with some sort of weird monstrous reptile called a Deathclaw. From what I hear, they're pretty dangerous so I need a plan to get rid of them...



Plan is forming...



Excuse me gentlemen. Just passing through.



I love it when a plan comes together.



If they stayed in prison, this would've never happened.



The Powder Gangers even manage to bring one of the Deathclaws down!



Don't worry guys, I got this one. Guys?



Oh dear...

Nothing of value was lost this day.



I think we killed all of the Deathclaws... let's get over these hills and find this Melissa girl already.



Oh no.... wrong hill to crest....



As long as we keep our distance though, we should be okay... right? Right?



They're not going down!



They're getting closer! They're getting closer! Time to retreat! GET TO THE CHOPPAH!



OH NO! They're learned how to fly! Even a helicopter won't save us now!



Ahhhhhhh young deathclaw! They're flying and multiplying!



DIE! DIE! DIE!



Arrrgghhhh.... I'm almost dead... but I think we got them all Boone. Boone?

BOONE?!?!?!



Oh God No! BOONE! Don't die on me soldier! That's an order!



Boone! You're... You're alive! My prayers have been answered!

Or you know... he was just unconscious.



Now this'll be a story to tell our grandkids someday.

And so ended the Great Accidental Deathclaw Hunt.

[Neysha]

Chapter 63: Traumatic Times

If you want to view this chapter as Sarah Palin does, everytime you read the word "trauma" and replace it with "lesbianism."



Gah Melissa... finally... Talk about hard to get to.



The only thing Karl is... sorry was... speculating on is how soon he can get into your pants.



Unless you're into that?



Hooray... now excuse me, I'm going to pass out from excessive blood loss on yours bedroll.



I'm always down for a recreational hunt!

Private Sexton, Camp Forlorn Hope's morale officer... errr enlisted man... offers Sarah Palin a place in a very special hunting competition.



I get it, but Sarah doesn't.



Oh no... you're been redeployed here now too?



Argh! Why do I act like a strangeness magnet sometimes?



There's a word for this... trauma... starts with an "L."



And so that was the start of her "trauma?" Makes sense, that sort of "trauma" typically originates in sexual abuse.



It's unfortunate she was forced into this choice of behavior.



Don't worry. I'll will help her with her trauma.



STOP IT! This isn't natural! It's the trauma's fault!





It's true. I read about it on the internet.



Exactly. And one that can still be fixed.



Chances are this is an actual quote from the parent or guardian of someone suffering from said trauma.



Oh good! Got to admit, I thought this place was a traditional hospital, I didn't realize you cured such trauma.



Woohoo! Soon Corporal Betsy will be a normal, well behaved, young woman like Veronica or myself.



Here's sixteen ears for your competition to improve morale Private! I must admit it's so nice to hang out with other normal, well adjusted people sometimes.

[Cyrano Johnson]

Gold. That's all I can say.

[Neysha]

Chapter 64: Boonedocks

After helping to cure Corporal Betsy broken brain of "trauma" I began to wonder if Boone was suffering from some trauma himself after losing his wife to Legion slavers. Unfortunately he doesn't want to open up to me.



I'm guessing fending off daily raids by Legion assassins just isn't enough for you?



Fair enou- Wait... what's that sound?



Really? Again already?

REALLY? This foreshadowing is becoming ridiculous.



Well another night, another team of highly trained assassins dealt with.



I don't know if I can trust a man who can't even spell his own last name correctly.



Oh boy! It's a bunch of sword wielding Legion recruits are stationed in this mine! Between their lack of armor, experience and ranged weaponry, this should be a fun hunting trip for Boone and I.



Sometimes I get the impression I'm not fighting the elite of the terrorist invaders.



No idea what's happening here.



It's always fun recreating the Battle of Omdurman.



Your beard is epic. Are you related to the General perhaps?



The Liberals back in California don't want this war, but they don't dare stop supporting me fighting it.



Let's see how the Legion handles the local wildlife! Go gecko go!



Burn terrorist! BURN!



Aw man...



YAY!



Why are the liberals back in California allowing these terrorist to engage in illegal operations while on NCR territory?



I understand. You've been hamstrung by government bureaucrats hundreds of miles away while you could be saving lives.



Well don't you worry. I'll put a stop to the slavery operations myself and emancipate these slavers... OF THEIR LIVES! Boone, you're getting your wish. We're going to Cottonwood Cove and we're going to kill us some Legion terrorists.



Is that a dock in the town? I wonder where the boat service leads to...

[Neysha]

Chapter 65: Slavery is Bad

Damn it Boone! What did I tell you about foreshadowing!



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... oh wait you're serious? Yeah I don't like it... I LOVE IT!





Boone... are you cracking a smile?



We'll take out the officers first, just like that famous Revolutionary War era guerrilla fighter, Benjamin Martin.

Oh no, does she actually think The Patriot was a documentary?



Now is not a good time for your officers to lose their... head.



Boone and Palin do their best re-enactment of Alvin York.



Well with the important exception being that neither of them are taking prisoners.



The sniper attack goes on throughout the night.



The Legion slavers can only find sleep in death.



I think that's the last of them Boone.



The next morning, one of the Legionaires manages to glitch his way up the hill to attack. But he doesn't even get close.

Next time bring a gun to the fight buddy!



Hmmmm sad... we only killed like a dozen terrorists. Let's move in and see where that boat ferry leads...





Boone and Sarah Palin soon realize the boat will take them to Caesar's camp, the Abottabad of Legion terrorism!



I try to be witty.



Boone does it better. Sigh... if I wasn't married...



The Legionnaire commanding the boat tries the diplomatic approach. We send him a very clear message.



We aren't done yet Boone.



We have one more place left to go. This boat will take us to the heart of darkness and we're going to kill Caesar himself and save the Mojave.

Next up... The End???

[Neysha]

Chapter 66: Lincolnish

Before we depart for Caesar's fortress, I almost forgot I had to do some shopping. I'm looking for a weapon that will have the same impact on slavers and their advocates that the Spencer Carbine that Lincoln endorsed had.



Although I'm disappointed that Boone didn't choose a minigun, I'm sure his choice will have plenty of impact upon our enemies.



We enter Caesar's Fort through the front door. No helicopter nonsense for us!



Knock! Knock!

Whose there?

DEATH!



Whose been crucified now!



Another terrorist recruit loses his head in the presence of Boone and Palin.



I was expecting to be welcomed as a liberator. What's up with this? The guy is dead, you don't need to excuse yourself in the presence of corpses.

Clearly these terrorists don't respect their women, treating them as cattle.



Looks like I caught the Legion doing their morning exercises.



Sarah Palin ruthlessly shoots down the Legionaires as they do their push ups.



Caesar... I accept your invitation, mainly because I can't shoot through this tent flap for some reason.



I don't believe it... Caesar is a young Robert C. Byrd!



Oh my goodness, Caesar Byrd has a Legion of Klansmen protecting him!



I cripple Caesar's head, but sadly, just like with me, he's immune!



Get out of my firing line!



Uh oh! Time to flee. It's a good thing none of these Legionaries exercise their gun rights, or else I might already be dead.



I hope you like IED's terrorist scum!



Hey! Caesar! Look over here! I'm your worst nightmare! A female who exercises her rights to self defense and gun ownership! Come get me!



This is going to hurt...



Shouldn't that just say Legion Infamy gained? Heh... heh... heh...



Couldn't of said it better myself Boone.

By the way, with Caesar dead, I guess that means we singlehandedly won the War on Terror!

[Neysha]

Chapter 67: Sick Something Tyrannis!l

Caesar has been defeated and we didn't even have to torture anyone to do it. John McCain would be so proud of me.



Even in death, the sinful behavior of these terrorists is evident.



Oh hey Benny. You're the guy that shot me in the head in the beginning of the game, and then sent four men armed with shaving razors to try and kill me in your own hotel and you're asking me about your chances?





You left me trapped in a room while hostiles armed with sharp objects were about to break down the door... consider us even.

Now if you'll excuse me, there is something I simply must do.



Ahhh comfy. Now you can't blame the downfall of this Roman Empire due to climate change.



What the hell are YOU doing in the bunker beneath Caesars base?



Mr. House seems to be under the impression that Caesar was in a giving mood, or that Sarah Palin was going to be as receptive to dealing with terrorism as he is.





Hmmm, didn't have the chance to ask him actually.



Oh... really? I'm going to work for you?



It'll take more then a static facial image on a jumbotron to strike fear into me!





An underground bunker full of military robots. I wonder what I can do with these...



Yes that's what I'll do with them.

Ooops, I didn't say that aloud did I?



I certainly do... But first, to celebrate.



Yep, it looks like we Won the War on Terror.



Or not... Gosh Darn It! Since when was killing certain people not a solution to all of lifes major problems?



C'mon... let's celebrate!



Remember that time when I said I was a gun wielding, property owning woman and he chased me down shaking his fist like some old sassy pants and you shot him in the side of the face with a fifty caliber explosive round and then I shot him up even more with my ALL AMERICAN carbine?

He probably does... it happened in the last chapter.

[Neysha]

Chapter 68: House Call

News of my terrorist hunting spreads quickly amongst the true Americans of the NCR who are quick to offer me praise.



Yes it would've been nice if some of you showed up to clear out Cottonwood Cove as well, or the main gate, or the camp itself, or... nevermind. Just remember, freedom isn't free.

Except I think you did do it for free.



Ignore me at your own peril.



You can start at the grassroots level, like I did with the Tea Party!



Together we can help fight the issues that matter to you. Such as gun rights! And letting patients choose their own Doctors and prescription plans!



Yes. We shouldn't be burdened by the past when making statements on the future!





A Boomer, a Brotherhood of Steel member, the leader of Big MT and a Khan? How does she have such a broad support base?



Yes I took care of them all... personally.



Wait... the Khans were drug dealers?!?!?! I thought they were just another patriotic militia group the liberals of the NCR oppressed.



Colonel Moore doesn't elaborate but instead states her next mission.



You know, there's a lot of people who don't like this Mr. House person. Whether it's his blending of corporate and government power to bully around hard working small businesses like those of Sarah Weintraub or his lack of patriotism in supporting the NCR and others in their fight in the War on Terror! Or you know, being partly responsible for having me shot in the head, and treating me like I'm his employee.

But I still need some strong evidence that he's a bad person.



In the War on Terror, you are either with us, or against us. It is clear Mr. House isn't with us so...



Veronica gives me one final word of advice on the Platinum Chip I now possess.



Still I should talk to the man directly about our problems and see if we can find some common ground. He is an important businessman after all.











Oh dear... this isn't going very well at all.

[Neysha]

Chapter 69: When the Chips Are Down

Clearly negotiations have failed. So Sarah Palin decides on the nuclear option.



Yes you've made that clear.



Oh no, he just threatened Sarah Palin in an obvious enough manner she actually understood it was a threat.



By the time I was 30, I had won the Alaska State Basketball championship, won Miss Wasila, took third place in Miss Alaska and won the Miss Congeniality Award... assclown! then I helped my husband found a commercial fishing business!



Upstart? My Daddy was a Science teacher. Your Dad was a wealthy corporate business owner. Damn right I'm an upstart! And I'm not one who crushes small businesses and has robots massacre tribals.

Though hopefully that will change in the near future.



Possession is nine tenths of the law!

Ummm not really.



What're you going to do? Break into my home, claim eminent domain and fill it with concrete?



These securitrons? I killed the rocket launching and laser firing ones by the dozen back in Big MT, where by the way, no one there seemed to like you either.



Ten seconds later...



I don't understand. If he's not behind the television screen then where did he go?



Several hours later Sarah Palin discovers a nearby computer terminal and accesses it.



Mr. House I presume! Let's get you out of there so we can talk face to face.



Yes unseal the chamber.



Then he'll chug some penicillin. Good grief!



Wow. People do look way different in real life compared to television!



You need to ask me? Really? After all of this?



When you get right down to it, you shouldn't of treated me as an employee, but as a trusted partner. And you know, not be a jerk.



Not derail... go rogue.



But don't worry, you're not a terrorist like Caesar or Bin Laden. You're just a rich billionaire assclown like George Soros or Warren Buffett.



Oh geez, if you're going to keep whining about some sniffles, then I guess I'll see what I can do to solve that first.

[Oniya]

I'm a little surprised she recognized him - he looks nothing like he does on TV, and there's not a make-up artist in sight!

[Neysha]

I'm a little surprised she recognized him - he looks nothing like he does on TV, and there's not a make-up artist in sight!

LOL!!!

[Neysha]

Chapter 70: He Looked Better on TV

Oh fine, be difficult. Don't worry, I'll find a way to put you back in your chamber, nice and clean.



Sterilize chamber. See how easy this is? I don't know why you're whining so much. I'll just press this button and BOOM, you'll be cleansed of any potential infection.



It's not occupied. He is on the outside the chamber see? Stupid computer. Sterilize away!



Oh no... the... uhhh... computer... must've malfunctioned.



Ummmm Mr. House? Are you... ummm... okay?

I just wanted to... sterilize the... oh dear...

Sarah Palin backs away very slowly from the scene of the crime, possibly whistling nervously as she does so, and backs into the elevator.



Well at least I gave an affirmative answer to the concept of robosexual marriage before I left.



Boone, Cass, Veronica... I ummm... Mr. House is uhh dead. Bad medicine.

Wait a minute... Boone... Veronica...



Oh my gosh! They're sleeping together! I'm so happy for them. I swear Veronica, I was beginning to think you were a lesbian. And Boone, I never thought you'd gotten over the tragic passing of your wife. And look, they even left enough room between their fully clothed bodies for the Holy Ghost to keep them separate.



Whaddaya say we leave the two new lovebirds alone while we head out... preferably far away from New Vegas... because I think I might be wanted for murder.



CASSANDRA! It was nothing like that! It wasn't my fault. It was the computer doohickey that malfunctioned. I thought I was HELPING him. Not... exploding him.



Yes, damn that Brotherhood! Wherever could they be? I would help you if I could... really... cough...



I'm just relieved Colonel Moore hasn't noticed the suit of Brotherhood Armor Sarah Palin is overtly wearing in her presence.



I know you won't hear me say this much, but maybe we can resolve this peacefully. After all, I consider some of these 'extremists' to be counted among my friends and family.



WHY DO YOU HATE PRIVATE GUN OWNERSHIP SO MUCH?

If I want to engage in recreational shooting with my hunting rifle, it's my Constitutional right. If I want to carry a N99 10mm pistol for self defense, it's my right and if I want to carry around a targeting device for a space based orbital superlaser artillery weapon to protect the local power station from a LIBERAL government trying to nationalize it, that should be my right as well!



If you were any other non-recruitable NPC I would kill you where you stand!



The Straight Talk Express is back and I fear for the future of our party.



I knew it! Bipartisanship is back and I have no one to thank but myself.



And now I've added another member to my Coalition of the Willing.



Longer then the British I'm sure.

Did Sarah Palin just make a smartass comment? She must've been brushing up on her Paul Revere studies.



Ugh I know... wait... no... that's what I want to happen.

Gosh darn it, this feels so weird being the peacemaker. Ugh, I think I need another vacation.

[Neysha]

CHAPTER 71: The Military Wing of SarahPAC

Having no brain and thus even less intelligent then before, I have even less idea what's about to happen, but sure...Good Luck!



Telema... wha? Can you explain what's happening in a more simplified form, possibly via a puppet show.



Ahhhh that's much better.





Squee! It does look like fun!



9mm Submachine Guns for crowd suppression? Wish we had that to 'suppress' the Occupy Wall Street terrorism.



Secondary? As in my Securitrons main weapons are bigger and blastier?



I don't know what that means but go right ahead.



Missile Launchers? My private army has missile launchers? I've always been an advocate of privately owned surface to air missile launchers, to enforce our personal no-fly zones and protect us from Obomber's drone strikes.



Even better. I have an army of missile launching regenerating robots.



My securitrons are over two hundreds times more effective then the previous model!

Uhhhh actually... you know what... nevermind.



No one will stop the military wing of SarahPAC now.

But first things first, I need to get to know Cass. Last time I tried to talk with her, before we got to do anything, a crashed satellite transported me to a giant empty crater filled with mad scientists brains attached to HDTV's.



Before Sarah even leaves sight of the walls of New Vegas, danger strikes.



Oh for Pete's sake! Are you guys still coming after me? I thought I killed your leader! This isn't fair!

After defeating the assassins, Sarah takes a moment to get to know Cass even better.



Well let's just say I advocated the Death Penalty on a wide scale when dealing with their criminality.



I'm just curious, on behalf of my sponsors.



You were exposed to alcohol at an early age! That's horrible!



Yes we should get along fine. I don't respond well to bullies either.



My family has rosy red cheeks too... especially Tripp, my grandson.

Hopefully not from alcohol consumption.

[Neysha]

Chapter 72: The Problem with California

Soft men... yes I know exactly what you mean.



Yes, most of my friends are Conservatives and thus hard men, not sissy Liberals.

I don't think that's the kind of hard you are alluding to there Sarah...



Whiskey dicks? I... I don't understand.

Sigh...



Thankfully Cass shifts the conversation to a new topic.



Since the government you're paying taxes to won't do anything to help investigate your sacked caravan, then we'll have to do it ourselves. It's the American way!

After all, why should the government interfere in law enforcement!



So the liberals in California are soft on crime too?



That sounds crazy! There's no way someone could kill a bunch of innocent people in plain view of the city walls!



Sounds like it's time for my election bid!



Well at worst, we can establish a 'special relationship' with California. Like America has done with the socialists across the pond.



I'm not big on flag waving myself.

She wears it instead.



No I'm not Bill Clinton.



The NCR is like Roger Clinton Sr? Oh my God...



It sickens me that a government would launch a war for profit and greed.

Insert your own comment here.



At least we offer our soldiers body armor. Though the humvees took a little longer to armor up.



Sarah Palin prepares to announce her presidential bid.



You do? How is that possible?



Brotherhood? The Flowers of Pocklips? The Vegas Families? I killed off the leaders of all three of the Vegas families! I don't think you quite know who I have in mind to lead the Mojave.



Well don't worry, after we're done, the NCR will certainly be reshaped.



Yeah there is this one head lady of the NCR I'd like to kick in the head of... I can't quite place a face to the name though...



Yeah that's her.

I don't see how anyone can like some macho, big talking, outdoorsy, hyperaggressive and yet adorably cute and charismatic intellectual dullard of a woman who somehow rose to such a powerful position like her. It's just so annoying.

[Neysha]

Chapter 73: Vendetta Ride

As she originally asked before I got whisked away to Big MT, we decide to travel together to pay respects at the ruins of where her caravan was attacked.



God there's almost nothing left.



That's what I said!



Sarah Palin just smiles and nods, pretending that she's following what Cass is trying to say.



Yes this is tough... sounds like a case for the Hardy Boys!

Or not..?



They used energy weapons? Those punks. By using energy weapons, they give the rest of us who use energy weapons for recreational, sporting and self defense... mostly self defense, a bad name!



I'm no expert... but I think these cows have been killed... to death!



Yes that too!



Okay I'm just throwing this out here... but I think it was a false flag attack to get the liberals back in NCR to enact stronger energy weapon laws.



The NCR is going to shoot up another caravan in a false flag attack! We must stop them in the act!



Let's get them before it's too late.



I know what you mean!



Huh... Black guys did it. I guess that makes sense. 95% of the time the murderer tends to be the most obvious suspect.



Oh right the Van Graffs... I suppose I should've told you that I looted the armor off of that guy you were looking at and it said it was Van Graff combat armor. I guess I didn't see the relevance of it until now.



Wait a minute Cass. Why should we choose the violent option? This is the NCR we are talking about. If we pursue an angle of legitimate investigation, interview witnesses, gather evidence, and then build a case indicting the Van Graffs and Crimson Caravan for taking part in this crime, we can bring it to the courts and let the NCR government take them down. Wouldn't that be more satisfying and more importantly, the moral and ethical thing to do?



Just kidding.



I'll bring the shotguns, you bring the whiskey. It'll be just like the wedding I planned for my daughter Bristol and Levi Johnston!



How about we kill the Van Graffs, and use their guns to kill off the Crimson Caravan guys?



We go together like peas and carrots sometimes.



Time for a Vendetta Ride! We got the guns and bullets... but we are short on one needed item however.



Whiskey... and keep it coming.

[Neysha]

Chapter 74: You're No Daisy, You're No Daisy at All

Finding Gloria Van Graff isn't hard.



They own an energy weapons store called the Silver Rush. Their crier is happy enough to point it out to us.



Almost immediately the foolish Van Graff doorman tries to violate Sarah Palin's Constitutional Rights.



From. My. Cold. Dead. Hands.



Who said anything about shopping here?



I'm you're Huckleberry.



This is what your face looks like when you're suddenly knocked down to one intelligence.



I have come to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and bubblegum is not an item found in this game.



Why is there a grown man dressed in his underwear running around in here?

Do these Van Graffs possess that particular form of 'mental trauma?'



Jean Baptiste Cutting decided to flee upstairs during the battle, hiding in a storage locker. But Cass ran him down, blasted the laser rifle out of his hand and now it is he who will come up short.



He died yellow. It takes more then broad shoulders to make a man.



He should've armed himself before decorating the wasteland with our friends.



So this is Gloria Van Graff. Sadly, we weren't able to make her eat her own hair. It would appear the strain was simply more then she could bear.



And good riddance. Businesses like hers haven't done anything for us that they wouldn't do just as easily for the enemy.



That woman wanted me to steal secrets from a rival business. I'll be happy to take her down. I'm a strong supporter of property rights after all.



Yes but first things first...



Not really looting. I'd call it asset forfeiture.



Let's see what goodies we can find here to use on the Alice McLafferty and the Crimson Caravan.



It's so beautiful. And to think, if law enforcement got their hands on it, they'd destroy all of these treasures.



Mind carrying the flamer for me? It's kinda heavy. And yes... I want to use it later.



Wakey Wakey Alice McLafferty...

[Neysha]

Chapter 75: The Burninator!

What was that for?

What a ridiculous question. How about the last three caravans you burned!



Maybe you should... lighten up.



Not sure what that quest was... I hope it wasn't important to the main storyline.



No comment needed.



CASSANDRA? Is that... you?



Ummm you don't look... well. Perhaps I should get a blanket or-



Speaking of Hell, you might want to stop, drop and roll because-



Cuz you look a little... hot.



Are you sure? Because the ammo on your person is cooking off as we speak.



Would you say you were burning with rage? Get it? Burning with-



Yes fire can be purifying... speaking of which-



Might want to hurry this along, with you being on fire-



Awwww... shucks... it was nothing Cass.



Yes speaking of cooling down-



To the burn ward!



Hmmmm I bet you are.



Another benefit of joining the NRA.



This is going to be a lot of stuff to loot and sell. I wonder what merchant we can find that we can sell all of it too without traveling too far.



Well it wasn't too hard to find a merchant nearby after all.



Thanks Blake. Pleasure doing business with you and ummm... don't go inside the main building. They're uhhhh... fumigating.