Writing Sample: KOTOR: Darth Revan Returns

[lex87author]

While I'm waiting for approval here I thought I'd put up the first chapter in one of the few FanFics that I've finished. This is actually the first one I ever started, the first chapter was written about 9 years ago when I was just a little freshman in high school (I've since edited it and updated it lol.) Its based on Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, with the setting being right after the conclusion of the first game. Please feel free to comment, be it positive or negative, I'm always open comments that can lead to improving my writing.

So without further ado...


Disclaimer:  I don’t own Star Wars, even though I am an avid fan of it.  Star Wars and KOTOR belong to George Lucas and BIOWARE.

Chapter 1:  A Bit of a Leadership Struggle

   Behind his mask Darth Revan sneered as another Republic attack wilted as they tried to break the Sith battle lines.  Individual fighters flared out of existence as hordes of Sith fighters swarmed the Republic attackers.  A Republic Dreadnaught at the heart of the attack, suddenly without fighter support and surrounded by Sith fighters, was picked apart and exploded with such violence that it tore the ship to pieces.
   Revan felt the presence of an approaching Dark Jedi and quietly stepped behind a chamber holding the blackened body of a Jedi Knight that he had drained of his life force to strengthen the new Dark Lord.  The Dark Jedi opened the door and strode into the observation room with a confident stride, until he saw Malak’s body lying on the floor steam rising from the lightsaber wounds on his body.  He froze then with a fearful look in his eyes as he searched the room looking for the person responsible for Malak’s death and slowly backed up to the still open door that he had entered through.
   With a flick of his hand Revan used the Force to close the door and lock it down.  The Dark Jedi whirled when he heard the door closing and then starred at Malak’s body as if the dead Sith Lord was responsible.  The man’s hand reached for his lightsaber as he felt Revan’s presence on the room’s upper level.
   Revan smiled and let the Force amplify his voice throughout the room, “That will do you no good.” With another flick of his hand Revan used the Force to call the Dark Jedi’s lightsaber to him.  The Dark Jedi reached out to try and call his weapon back to him, but could only watch helplessly as the silver cylinder landed softly in Revan’s hand as the Dark Lord stepped out from behind the chamber he had been behind.
   The Dark Jedi’s eyes grew so big they seem to be all white as Revan walked down the ramp to the lower level of the observation room, before the Dark Jedi fell to one knee, bowing himself before the Dark Lord of the Sith.
   With the Dark Jedi bowing before him Revan activated the man’s ruby lightsaber and lowered it so that it was bare centimeters from his neck.  He allowed his voice to emerge as an emotionless hiss, “You are a Dark Jedi of the Sith, will you swear allegiance to me after serving my apprentice or will you suffer his fate as well?”
The Dark Jedi’s voice came out weak, barely competing with the hum of his lightsaber, “I will serve you Lord Revan.”
Revan looked on the shaking Dark Jedi and in one swift motion deactivated the Dark Jedi’s lightsaber and let it fall beside him, then he let his voice emerge as it had before, an emotionless hiss, devoid of any feelings, “Rise, pick up your lightsaber, and tell me who you are and why you came here.”
   The Dark Jedi slowly rose to his feet, all blood seeming to have drained from his face as he cautiously clipped his lightsaber to his belt, “My… name is Valen… Valen Guan and I came here on the behalf of Admiral Oree to speak with Lord Malak.”
   Revan’s eyes narrowed to slits, though his mask hid any facial expression, “What did the Admiral need?”
   Guan gulped, “He wanted to report that the Republic Fleet is in full retreat and was requesting further orders.”
   Revan hissed in anger and pointed angrily at the massive Sith Fleet surrounding the dwindling Republic force, “What!?!  What kind of mindless fools have Malak put in charge of the mighty Sith Fleet, anyone who command such a force should not need to ask permission to crush a weak enemy.”  Revan gave himself a few moments to calm his voice, letting the cool calculating edge return, “Where is Admiral Oree now?”
   Guan started and the request, “The Admiral?  He is on the Star Forge’s Upper Command Deck.”
   Revan nodded, “Go and tell the Admiral to order the fleet to crush the Republic Fleet completely and then I want to see him immediately.”
   Guan bowed and began to back away from the Dark Lord, but Revan hissed something else, “Additionally, do not mention that Malak is dead or that I have returned.  Understood?”
   The terrified Dark Jedi nodded and bowed again, “Yes Lord Revan, I understand completely.”  Then he turned and walked away with a pace that gave away his fear and nervousness.
   Revan watched the short bald man exit the observation room and then returned to the transparisteel window from where he had been watching the battle.  As he looked on the saw three Sith Destroyers advance on the last remaining Republic ships with hundreds of Sith fighters escorting them.
   The Republic ships formed a V-shaped formation with the formation’s end points aiming into open space and the tip of the V aiming at the approaching Sith ships.  Then the Republic began to retreat at full reverse while the few surviving Republic fighters desperately tried to hold off the Sith fighters.  As Revan watched the Sith attack reached the Republic formation, two more groups of three Sith Destroyers and fighter escort approached as well and the three groups hit the five Republic ships that made the formation.  In seconds the ship on the left arm of the V exploded and the center one on the right stopped dead in space as escape pods shot off it like of spores off a diseased plant.
   Another Republic ship, already damaged by the explosion of its comrade, careened out of control and slammed into the rear Republic ship and only quick piloting by the pursuing Sith Destroyers avoided the colliding ships from claiming any Sith ships.  The last two Republic ships, their fighters either destroyed or scattered throughout the battlefield, where covered by Sith fighters and burning from numerous hull breaches when Revan felt the arrival of Dark Jedi Guan and the arrogant presence he assumed was Admiral Oree.
   He turned as the door opened and the Admiral walked in with Guan following quietly behind him.  The fat bald Admiral walked into the observation with the air of someone who thought he was very important. He looked around the room, noticing the obvious signs of a fight, and then he noticed Malak’s body and paled just as Guan had done.
   Revan slowly walked down the ramp with a steady calculated stepped that made it so he attracted the Admiral’s attention, but at the same time showed the danger that he was in.
   The chubby Admiral slowly lowered himself to his knee, almost falling over in the effort, and bowed his head, “Welcome back Lord Revan and congratulations on the defeat of you apprentice, I offer you my service-” The Admiral stopped talking as he suddenly was lifted off the ground by his throat with an invisible hand.  His bulging eyes looked at Revan’s masked face with fearful, yet questioning look.  Revan laughed at the fat man as his legs dangled in the air, still not comprehending how he was being lifted up.
   Revan tightened his grip on the man’s throat through the Force and spoke, “I don’t know how a weak fool like you were made commander of the Sith Fleet, but it is obvious that you are no Sith, a true Sith would not need permission to crush a weak enemy, but you needed my blessing so here it is, you are relieved of command, Admiral.”
   Oree’s eyes rolled back in his head as Revan heard a faint crackling sound and the Admiral’s fat body went limp.  Revan tossed the fat corpse away and looked at the terrified Guan who stood by staring at the large lump of flesh that had been the Sith Fleet’s commanding officer.  “Do you have any other commands, Lord Revan?”
   Revan smiled at the Dark Jedi, “None for the moment, but I would ask you to prepare orders for every command of every vessel and troop regiment in the fleet to assemble at the Temple on the planet.  But until the battle is over there is no hurry,” Revan eyed the Dark Jedi through his mask’s eye slits, “You are dismissed, Master Guan.”
   The Dark Jedi’s eyes lit-up as he was in mid-bow, “As you wish Lo… Thank you Lord Revan, I will make those orders right away.”
   Revan watched with amusement as the new Dark Master almost ran out of the room, Guan was not very strong in the Force and would most likely be killed by his first apprentice if he did not learn to be more powerful very quickly, but until then his loyalty would be useful while Revan reclaimed the mantle of Dark Lord of the Sith.

Thanks again for reading, I'm looking forward to sharing more with you!!

[lex87author]

If anyone is interested in reading more you can find the entire story here: <external Links Snipped>