Poetry challenge - Write a poem every day for a month

[Athos]

Hello everyone, it's been awhile. As some of you may know, I often blog through poetry. I have a lot of reasons for doing this, but mostly poetry allows me to get to the heart of what I'm trying to express which is something that I find challenging in any other medium. Now before I get to the point, I'm going to provide a little background. Last February my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. What that means, is that she has the worst stage of the second worst cancer a person can have. Prior to her diagnoses, I had been in nursing school. I didn't leave school just to take care of her, honestly there were a lot of reasons I left. Reasons that I still haven't fully come to terms with. Since then, however, I have had the honor and privilege of taking care of her. Of taking her to her appointments, of sitting with her through chemotherapy, of managing her medications and the plethora of other things that a caretaker does. As hard as it has been, I wouldn't trade these last few months with my mother for the world and we have been incredibly lucky. After nearly a year of chemotherapy, my mother's cancer has shrunk considerably and remains in a stable condition. Her doctor informed us that only 1 in 5 people with her type of diagnosis lives to this point and they've decided to discontinue the IV portions of her chemotherapy and keep her on a maintenance dose of medication for the foreseeable future. I imagine that it is truly a rare thing to see an oncologist cry tears of actual joy. So why aren't I happier? My prayers have been answered. My mom is going to be okay, at least for awhile. I can finally see about maybe returning to school and continuing my journey toward being a nurse. Why do still feel this pit in my stomach? Why am I still having anxiety attacks? Why do I feel like nothing has changed? I don't have an answer to any of these questions, but I need to find some. So this end, I am taking the poetry challenge! It is my intention to write a single poem every day for a month and post them in this thread. Maybe by doing this, I can explore some of the things I am feeling and find a reason for them. Maybe I can find a reason for myself and why I am here. I don't know where this is going to lead me, or if I am even going to be able to finish, but I am going to try.

Anyway, thank you for reading and allowing me a space to try and figure myself out. Lots of love!
Athos.

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Entry one: December 2, 2017

Nothing

I've always thought of myself
As the hero of my story.
I was always going to be the one
Who showed up right in the nick of time
To save the day.
I would imagine it so vividly.
Hands would raise me up,
Voices would chant my name
And finally,
Finally,
I would feel as if I had a place in this world.
I don't think of myself like that anymore.
I mean, sometimes I do, but mostly
I know better.
I'm not the hero.
I'm the one in need of saving.
I'm also the villain.
I am all of these things,
And I am nothing.
Mostly, I am nothing.

[Athos]

Entry two: December 3, 2017

Untitled Haiku

You say it will be,
Then it will be as you say.
I will be faithful.

[Athos]

Only four days in, and I've already missed an entry. Oh well, no point in regretting your yesterdays. Just keep looking out for your tomorrows! :)

Entry three: December 5, 2017

The Gray Times

Between the terror and hurt
Of the bad times,
Between the joy and triumph
Of the good times,
Lie the gray times.
The gray times,
When you are not needed,
Not wanted,
Not loved.
The gray times,
When you look at yourself
And see a stranger.
A stranger, who is also
A traveler.
A lonely heart on a journey.
For what? Who knows?
Just travelling, just putting one
Foot in front of the other,
Hoping to still be here
When the bad times come back
And you are needed once more.
Yearning for the good times that follow,
When you feel wanted and loved once more.

[Athos]

Entry four: December 6, 2017

Untitled Haiku #2

A scream in the dark.
There is no more human thing
Than to be afraid.