Stop Your Faking! Right Now!

[Autumn Sativus]

I felt like writing a little something about this topic, not quite sure why or what the point is, but here goes.

Orgasm.

Definition: 
1.   The peak of sexual excitement, characterized by strong feelings of pleasure and by a series of involuntary contractions of the muscles of the genitals, usually accompanied by the ejaculation of semen by the male. Also called climax.

2.   A similar point of intensity of emotional excitement.

It’s the point that we’re all looking for when we get ourselves into a sexual situation, but in many cases it doesn’t come (no pun intended). Guys, sure, you ‘cum’, but was it really orgasmic? There are times when it is, and there are times when it’s not, but either way, sex is almost always wonderful. It still feels good, and it’s still satisfying. Even without an orgasm, you reach a peak and fall from it, leaving you (usually) content and satisfied. You’re not ‘Ifeelsofuckingamazing’ but you’re fine, you’re feeling good.

So my question… why is it that if I were to ask the population of women if they had ever faked an orgasm, the majority would say yes? Why is it that females are pressured to make their man feel like he’s done something he hasn’t? In a loving, caring relationship, would this not be a lie? Men seem to accept the fact more than women, that it is possible to have and enjoy sex without actually reaching orgasm. Though, I suppose men always have ejaculation on their side. (On that note, ejaculating =/= true orgasm).

Anyway, just kind of a mini-rant. Faking orgasm is never going to turn out well… you won’t get what you need to actually achieve that mind-blowing climax if you let your partner think that you climax from what they’ve tried. It’s not going to hurt them to say ‘That was wonderful, and I’m very content, but I didn’t orgasm. Maybe next time we should _________ so that I might.” Stop faking, get what you deserve, the full pleasure of an orgasm given by your partner. They deserve it too. It’s not a bad thing if you don’t have an orgasm! Accept that, work with it, make things better each time so that you can achieve climax!

[Zinder]

Thank you for this nice post, Saffron!

I would like to add something here. It is very important for me if my girlfriend is satisfied. That means that I truly like it when she tells me if she is having a good time, if she doesn’t/does like something, if she wants something more in our sex life, etc. This helps a lot and it’s not just about her – it is about me as well.

Giving pleasure to someone is just as nice as receiving it. Sometimes I may not have sex with her but just give her pleasure in some way and to me this will feel great. Maybe it is because I love her, maybe it is just a normal human reaction but I came to the understanding that this is very important and talking about it is always good.

I think that talking about the sex experience with us (guys in general) is a must in every relationship.

[Kurzyk]

I agree completely Saffron.

Communication is so important in learning about each other and meeting each other's needs. We aren't mind readers and everyone has different pleasures and spots.

I trust my wife to be honest with me if she wants something, or if something doesn't work. Lying about orgasm, especially in an area as vulnerable and trusting as intimacy is not supportive for building a healthy relationship.

[Talia]

Very nice post!

I think or it's my assumption, that when some women fake their orgasms, it's because they want to get the act over with, thus inducing the male to cum faster. The faking of the orgasm, is a vein effort on her part, to make the partner feel as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Giving proper pleasure to a partner is a two way street, both should be able to drive pleasantly down. With good communication and an open door policy for discussion. If not it wouldn't be satisfying, making the act of all sexually pleasures seem more like a chore.

[Autumn Sativus]

Laurrel - I know that sometimes it can be used as an escape route, but uh... whatever happened to saying. "I can't handle anymore right now, how about I (insert oral/manual/etc here)." You don't have to leave them without, but you don't have to suffer through something if it's not enjoyable to you anymore.

And in the way of saying 'he didn't do anything wrong' - Sex will not lead to orgasm on every occasion. There is no need to blind the entire human race into thinking it will by faking. It is quite possible though, to finish, without orgasm, and be just fine. Sex is still good, even if you don't climax, and being 'just fine' is cue for 'you did a good job'. There's nothing out there to say the man is doing something wrong if the woman doesn't have an orgasm.

[Kazyth]

I will admit that I have faked it once or twice in my life as well, to make someone feel better.  I occasionally get to the point where I can function for quite some time, but I'm simply not going to climax.  I'm not sure why, it just happens.  And, rather like most men (a generalization, I know, but one I'm comfortable making), the women I've been with, and women I've talked to about this sort of thing, seem to think that if their partner doesn't climax they've done something wrong.  Or aren't any good in bed.

I've never faked it with someone I was in a relationship with, mind you, but even for one night stands and the occasional friend with benefits, I felt later like I'd handled it wrong... but few people seem to take "It's not you, it's me" well mid-coitus.  I haven't done so in a long time, and don't plan too, but at the time it seemed like the best thing to do.

Much as any lie, however, I have to agree that it's not healthy for a relationship... and not just the sexual aspect of it, either.  Lies build on lies.

[Will]

I've actually faked it once, that I can recall.

Reaching a climax is mostly a mental effort, and little things like stress can really put a damper on your ability to get there.  As was said previously, sometimes it's just not going to happen.  A lot of women don't seem to understand that; in my experience, most of the women I've talked to assumed that men would always get off, without fail.  Because of that misconception, I would even bet that women take it harder than men when their partner doesn't reach orgasm, because they're totally caught off guard.  This is, of course, only a suspicion based on my experience.  Your mileage may vary.

I agree that it isn't good for building a relationship, and things are certainly never going to get better sex-wise if you just keep faking orgasms.  A better idea would be to get honest and work on it together.  Try different methods, environments, whatever.  You'll probably get it eventually.  Sadly, in this case, I didn't want to have sex with the girl in the first place, so I wasn't concerned about being honest or making things better.  I don't regret it.

[Brittany]

An ex partner never could make me orgasm.  I loved him (or thought so), I thought the world of him and I did very much enjoy what we did in the bedroom.  But for some reason or other it just never happened.

With him I faked it, because it started to put a bit of strain on our relationship.  He got broody about it and it didn't seem like such a big deal to me.

If i met the right person (i.e love and fun and friendship) I really wouldn't mind if I never orgasmed with them.  Always other ways to do this.  That being said its obviously more ideal not to fake them for various reasons.  But I wouldn't see someone get depressed over it.

[Autumn Sativus]

Sometimes it's important for guys to remember that the HUGE majority of women can't orgasm from banging themselves around inside. Something like 87% require some other kind of stimulation to actually achieve climax. And yet men seem to get so offended when you reach a hand down to help yourself out, or god forbid you suggest introducing a toy for more stimulation.

[Will]

Sometimes it's important for guys to remember that the HUGE majority of women can't orgasm from banging themselves around inside. Something like 87% require some other kind of stimulation to actually achieve climax. And yet men seem to get so offended when you reach a hand down to help yourself out, or god forbid you suggest introducing a toy for more stimulation.

Who gets offended at that?? XD

[Kazyth]

And yet men seem to get so offended when you reach a hand down to help yourself out, or god forbid you suggest introducing a toy for more stimulation.

Indeed.  I wholeheartedly support both!  Together, or seperately.  I'm good either way.

[Autumn Sativus]

Indeed.  I wholeheartedly support both!  Together, or seperately.  I'm good either way.

* Saffron absconds with Kaz.

[Kurzyk]

Heh yea no kidding.. using toys is fun.

[Autumn Sativus]

Heh yea no kidding.. using toys is fun.

* Saffron kidnaps Kurzyk too. ;D

[Kurzyk]

* Saffron kidnaps Kurzyk too. ;D

*grins and doesn't resist* >.>

[Kazyth]

* Saffron kidnaps Kurzyk too. ;D

... alright, but I've got dibs on being the Big Spoon this time.

[Autumn Sativus]

... alright, but I've got dibs on being the Big Spoon this time.

Alright, alright. Deal. ::)

But in all seriousness, yes, most of the guys I've been with feel like 'They're not good enough?' or 'They're doing something wrong?' when I need more than just the 'Oh hey let me bang around in there for a while.'

[Cold Heritage]

But in all seriousness, yes, most of the guys I've been with feel like 'They're not good enough?' or 'They're doing something wrong?' when I need more than just the 'Oh hey let me bang around in there for a while.'

Pretty much. Men are not getting the right information about what it takes to satisfy their partners, and they are getting the impression that if their partner does not orgasm, they are not A Man and they are deficient in sexual prowess.

Even Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann used it as an insult if a man is the kind of person who would not satisfy his sexual partner.

[Autumn Sativus]

Pretty much. Men are not getting the right information about what it takes to satisfy their partners, and they are getting the impression that if their partner does not orgasm, they are not A Man and they are deficient in sexual prowess.

Even Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann used it as an insult if a man is the kind of person who would not satisfy his sexual partner.

I don't think that it should be taken in a way that they 'cannot satisfy' their partner, if they should require some extra stimulation. Because even when you don't orgasm, the sex is still good, it's satisfying so long as it's not too short. It's just not necessarily that mind-blowing, earth-shattering kind of utter satisfaction.

[Will]

Pretty much. Men are not getting the right information about what it takes to satisfy their partners, and they are getting the impression that if their partner does not orgasm, they are not A Man and they are deficient in sexual prowess.

Even Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann used it as an insult if a man is the kind of person who would not satisfy his sexual partner.

BWAHA

[Rhapsody]

Who gets offended at that?? XD

You wouldn't believe the number of guys who take the suggestion as a slight against their masculinity that you want to bring masturbatory aids into your sexplay.  To a lot of them, it's basically the woman saying that she prefers a vibrating piece of plastic to his hands/lips/tongue/cock, and that she's never going to get off with just him au naturel. 

I know that's what it's not actually saying, but a lot of guys in my experience can be extremely touchy about their virility and skill in the bedroom.  Thank God I married a more secure man.  While my husband rarely fails to bring me off with little more than his fingers, he's not averse to having a little help here and there, especially when I get those moods where it's like, "Hun, I'm enjoying this, but I'm a looooong way off.  Your hand is going to wear out before I climax. Just get the vibrator, so we can carry on."

[auroraChloe]

Sometimes it's important for guys to remember that the HUGE majority of women can't orgasm from banging themselves around inside. Something like 87% require some other kind of stimulation to actually achieve climax. And yet men seem to get so offended when you reach a hand down to help yourself out, or god forbid you suggest introducing a toy for more stimulation. 

i may have played up my response some but never full out faked.  to hell with that! 
"i could feel her coming from a mile away." that's what orgasms are like or perhaps like pulling a tree out roots and all, eh? 

recently, we had a very nice session and i was sooooo close to that whole 'come with me baby' thing.  while he was cleaning up in the bathroom i finished myself off to the sounds of him woo hoo'ing, cheering me on.  so yeah, we're pretty relaxed about sex but i don't feel the need to come every time especially since i'm such a case about it,  when i do though, plug your ears because it gets loud.  i've even screamed a couple of times... and boy is he proud when that happens.  XD 

[Beguile's Mistress]

There are times when the simple act of pleasuring my partner is all I crave and climaxing just isn't important to me.  One man in my life was so concerned that I feel 'satisfied' that I faked an orgasm for him because it made the experience more pleasurable for both of us.  I pleased him because that was what I was in the mood to do and he was pleased because he believed I was satisfied.  He had a lot of trouble learning that I could pleasure him with needing to climax myself every time.  After learning that though, he was always there for me, making sure that I got what I wanted.

Faking as a general rule is not acceptable because it's deceptive.  Deception usually results in one or both parties getting hurt.

[Beguile's Mistress]

As posted above:  He had a lot of trouble learning that I could pleasure him with needing to climax myself every time.

Should have read:  He had a lot of trouble learning that I could pleasure him without needing to climax myself every time.

[auroraChloe]

He had a lot of trouble learning that I could pleasure him without needing to climax myself every time. 

!! it took some convincing, but we are pretty goodd now with the same kind of situation. 
many times being pleasing has it's own secret reward...