Letters To The Past

[Braioch]

As I have done on my Tumblr I felt I would also share here, letters to previous romantic entanglements that I have had. Each with three songs I feel represent for during the relationship, after it, and how I feel about it now however long later. So far I have three planned and will post each.

Feel free to comment as you may want, I'm open to anything and all. ^_^

Letter of the Grudge

Dear Jason,

What can really be said to you when it comes right down to it?

I spent months of my life, damn near three years dealing with you and all the bullshit that that entailed. Not that I can completely discount my part in it. I foolishly chose to put myself in the position where I eventually fell for a man who was taken. I chose to be 'the other woman' and there wasn't a whole lot that can really explain that away other than my own foolishness and the false hope that I was feeling. I hoped against all odds that in the end that we would be together, that I could show you real love that didn't involve your violent and fucked up relationship. It started when I was 18 and it didn't end for me until I was almost 21, I was still a kid when it came right down to it, not knowing the real world and how it worked, or how people like you can snake their way into your heart and eat you alive.

I might have been a fool, but you? You were not much less a child than I was, except for the fact that by 30 years old, you really should have known better. Maybe you did know in the end. That all of your dragging me alone wasn't pure cowardice and the lack of spine to tell me to stop, to really cut things off, was you using me, using me as a comfort to escape a relationship you knew was fucked up and doomed to fail and too proud to admit it. I honestly don't know what's worse when it comes right down to it.

I don't know what to really think when it comes down to it other than the fact that you should have been man enough. Lord knows my foolish choices fucked me over, but you held the power, you held me in the palm of your palm. And how did you choose to use that power? To crush me, crumple me up like a paper doll and throw me carelessly to the floor. Not even enough malice to spit on me, or do anything to really give me something hold onto with my hate, no instead you let me drain away slowly, wither and almost die.

You left me alone, crying in the dark and I should, as I once did, wish millions upon millions of curses to fall upon your head. I hated you so much when I finally found a bit of myself again, hated you for all you did and did not do, hated myself for allowing it to happen, hating life for bringing such a thing into my path and everyone around me because they couldn't help me. It burned so deep inside of me I could have spit the worst acid at another person for nothing, a pittance of an insult and all for what? A little waste of a worm for you, for either a coward or a manipulator.

~Sigh~

But that's Karma, neh?

Things happen and that just what happens and you're not worth destroying myself over. I don't wish you ill any longer but don't mistake me, I don't wish you good either. I've let go of my rage, and my hate, it isn't worth it to hold this so deep inside of me. You and what happened is below me, and because you were the lesser person, I have become a greater person. If anything you deserve credit, for destroying me, but also for me having to start building a new me. I listen better, I think more, people mean more, the world is a bit brighter and people really do matter. I can listen to my heart far better, even as I still keep it hidden away from other people more often. From it's hiding place, it listens a lot better and I can feel how much of a better person I have become.

You will always be a lesson to me, you as the Devil of that hell helped to purge myself of so many rotten things I didn't know were there. You deserve no thanks and you will receive none, never in your life will you hear that from me. You did it in malice or in cowardice and neither will be rewarded, you were a means for me to learn and that's how it is. I refuse to forgive and to forget, so in the end, it doesn't matter anyways, this grudge is silent and strong like a rock set off to the side. So live your life, and I shall live my own with this rock....

At least one of us will live knowing the truth and have come out better for it.

~Bryan~

_____________

Songs

Before: Halestorm Familiar Taste of Poison

After: STAY-SUGARLAND LYRICS

Now: Apocalyptica feat. Corey Taylor - I'm not Jesus (Lyrics)

[Braioch]

Letter of the Regret

Dear Paul,

I'm not even quite sure how to really start this off to be honest. Looking back on you and on us causes quite a mixture of feelings. I think of the good times and I can't help but smile a little smile and feel a bit comforted that I ever had the chance to meet you. Then I feel a crash of emotions, guilt, sorrow and a tweak of regret thrown in there. I still stand by the decison to end the relationship, we just weren't meant to work, especially at that point in our lives and I wasn't being fair to you any longer.

I was so unbelievably selfish when it came to you. Indeed you had a way of driving me up a goddamn wall, you always seemed to instinctively know where my buttons were and really seemed to take a joy in pressing them. God how we used to fight and feud over the most stupid of things. But really the most stupid thing in all of that was me. You really did care about me and showed me nothing but love and I abused the living shit out of it. I disregarded your feelings, at times I even took advantage of them, I cheated on you more than once, I lied to you repeatedly and I was a complete disgrace to whatever reputation I might have had. I lost the respect of others and in the end I lost the respect I had for myself. You were and always will be a good man Paul, and I treated you like shit.

I pride myself on being able to take the bad things that happen in my life and be able to draw from it lessons in wisdom for me to pluck out and use later in life. The situation with you on the other hand, well it didn't come as easily for me. I was trapped in our relationship at times, trapped between wanting to love you like you did me, knowing that it just wasn't going to happen and my own selfish fear of being alone of wasting something even when I knew it was being wasted. I spent nights during and after the relationship, tossing and turning, unable to reconcile what I did, and rightly so.

You were the true victim in all of that, in the end, you paid the highest price of all and I cannot begin to explain how sorry I am for that.

The best thing I did for you was to walk away, to spare you of having to go down with me. I was sinking, drowning when it came right down to it Paul, and it was better that I didn't drag you down with me. You never would have been able to do anything other than destroy yourself along with me. It was probably the last good thing I did for years following that, a last moment of clarity and a piece of my good side to seperate us. It hurt you, I know it did, but I'm so glad I did when I think of what the following years contained for me.

You on the other hand was given the chance to grow and date, to be free of the poisonous influence I had always been. I had been the worst part of you when we were together and if you ever hated me or a part of you still holds a grudge, I will never hold that against you. Know that I have the deepest regrets over what I did to you and what I didn't do for you. That though it's taken me a few years to really learn what I needed to truly learn from all that, I still hate that me, that time period and those choices.

Know this though, you are a good man and I hope you remember that and keep true to that. You have too much to offer to the world to be bitter and jaded, you have an energy and a enthusiasm that shouldn't be hidden away but out for the world to experience. You loved with all of your heart, and gave it your all. You weren't secretive or dodgy, you were forthright and honest, something that more people need to be. You deserve the absolute best in your life and truly, I hope that you find it one day or already have wherever you may be.

~Bryan~

___________________________

During: Unfaithful-Rihanna

After: Opheliac - Emilie Autumn (with lyrics)

Now: Official Music Video - Fuckin Perfect (with lyrics)

[yoniek]

Wow Braioch,

I really liked reading this and listening to the music. I felt the emotion so strong I cried. And I even cannot relate to it with my own experience.  Thanks for sharing this. 

[Braioch]

Thank you!

^_^

I really appreciate it, it's nice to have something that really is a little piece of you written out appreciated like that. ;D

[Braioch]

Dear Nathan,

Fitting that the last of these letters should go to you, the last of the letters sure, but surely the best.

Our relationship topped off at 3 months altogether, but honestly it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. People can be in whole relationships for years and end it because there was nothing? What's having had felt like I did, so strongly after only a few weeks? Maybe it was the fact that while not my first boyfriend, you were my first. First in the intimate sense, but you were the first to be patient with me, to be there without being obtrusive and invasive, the first person who....who when you looked at me, I felt important, like I was the center of the universe. Nothing can begin to properly describe how important, how vital you made me feel and at too many times I wasn't appreciative, too impatient for more, too young to really appreciate what I had in you. Still it was more than enough to last me the past 6 years, because for just a few months, I was, or at least felt, like I was someones whole world.

Maybe it's hindsight, but even despite my at times bratty behavior, I really did feel powerfully for you. Which when I think about it, is probably what really brought about my bratty behavior. It was overwhelming at times, you were just so different from me in so many ways and I could never get inside your head and I just couldn't handle it at times. It was like trying to battle the sea when the waves are just too strong, too high at times, and yet when you let it go and ride them, it was  like a blissful loss of self that couldn't be measured or properly explained.

It's...it's amazing how I still feel about all of this....

I recently read a quote and it struck me as so incredibly true, that love doesn't fade away or disappear, you either always love someone, or you never loved them in the first place. It has been almost 6 years this coming up Spring since it all began and ended and I still feel for you. Such a bittersweet thing, thinking of you, you who with a smile and a kiss, wrapped my heart around your fingers, that you, with a few sentences and a regret, sent me spiralling for months into darkness. The pain of the loss I felt isn't even important to me any longer, I know why you did what you did, and because of what followed after I know what you said was true, and that's what's truly important.

You were so good to me, and you always thought of me, you...god(s) I just do not even know where to begin to describe in such a short letter to even tell you what you did. Even for me now, almost a full 6 years later, how you defined parts of me. Part of me will ALWAYS belong to you, a part you deserve, a part that has been nurtured by the memory of all of you for years, and I smile when I think of it.

It's this part of me that I acknowledge, and am secretly glad you are now so far away. At times I'm terrified when I go to see old friends, you might for whatever fluke reason, show up, and I'm scared and excited at the thought. Such a silly thing, how terrified I would be, to see you for the first time in so many years. How utterly out of my element, out of my comfort zone and my cherished and vaunted self-control. How like a little kid I would be, wanting to cling to the nearest source of safety, comfort and authority that I could find before having to remind myself that I'm a 22 year old man who should be in control of himself.

You will be the definition of the best man, of what a relationship, a partner, a love and a dream should be. When I think of all the failures I've ever endured over the years, I'm comforted, lifted up by reminders in my memories of you. I truly wish I could tell you, that I could just tell you all of this, that I could let all that I've mentioned here. I want you so badly to know how I feel, how I've dreamt, (god I had a dream about you last year) what it all meant and just how wonderful you truly are.

But I don't.

Out of fear, a fear so powerful it grips my heart so tightly that even wondering what you would do if you knew avoid my consciousness. I shrink back like a child made to go near the closet, or into the dreaded basement. Such a mixture of emotions I put myself through, it's funny really, stupid too, and so utterly human.

Odd how 6 years later I still feel a warmth about all that...to the point that I'm pushed to almost tears just writing this and listening to this damned music. It's ridiculous how these emotions can be still so potent, the memories so vivid and filled with such weight. It's bittersweet, but it's heavier on the sweet than on the bitter.

Thank you Nathan, thank you so much.

~Bryan~

________________

During:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cte-gPKaVDA
Innocence - Avril Lavigne (with lyrics)
tim mcgraw ft faith hill its your love lyrics

After: Kelly Clarkson Addicted Lyrics

Now: Someone Like You (Adele Cover) - Piano Version

[Banleno007]

I am very glad to read this thread,thank you guys

[Skadii]

Dear Braioch,
Thank you for sharing your letters and I wanted to let you know that I found something in each of them that was profoundly beautiful. I found your clarity about each of these past relationships very refreshing. You made my night by sparking my own memories of lost loves, the good and the bad, and I haven't done that in years.  :-)
Sincerely,
colerie1974

[Braioch]

It's always nice to have something that's happened to me and written about actually have an effect on people. I'm also intensely happy that it was a positive effect at that.

^_^

[Timeless]

To Braioch.

I just want to say thank you for wanting to even share such intimate and deep emotions to us for us to read. I cannot help but feel connected in a way and emotional when I read all three letters and empathize in so many ways. I enjoyed reading all of them and just glad I found this then took some time to read through.