The Road to No-where

[Rhedyn]

It has been 2 years since I separated from my husband and finally, I am able to petition for a divorce hopefully without pressing through the issue of his adultery in order to do it. I have been trying to get my head around the long and confusing process involved and every time I try it gives me a headache. To try and simplify the multitude of information available I made an appointment, which came around this morning, to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau. It was helpful I suppose, though still a little overwhelming, however now I know what I need to consider and have a plan for the first few steps that need to be taken.

It made me really think today about why I want to do this. God knows I never want to marry again, I already changed my name back to my maiden one when we separated and thankfully we have no assets to divide or organise between us. Is it silly of me to want to have a legal end to something that has in its own right ended or is it just? The process no doubt will be long, I am hoping simple since we are agreed (or at least were) on the route we wanted to take with the children but still a difficult strain mentally even though the emotional attachment is no longer an issue.

My ex-husband himself seems nonchalant about the whole situation, he wonders why I want it sorted when I have no obvious legal reason for it and this question has been on my mind today. Now I know my answer. Though our children will always tie us in some way I need to have  a solid end to the situation. The whole time I remain married to him there is a connection there for me that I don’t want  and in truth I didn’t realise how much it was bothering me until I really thought about it.

So I took the first steps on this road today…just tiny baby steps, feeling the ground for any hint of give before I really set out. It seems that all it will afford me in the end is a piece of paper to say I no-longer have that public, legal connection to the man and yet I know it will give me something else as well, that last bit of myself that I feel is attached to him, the part of me that takes the lies and unfairness he doles out because (as his wife despite our long separation) I feel I owe him in some way. It’s ridiculous really and yet I know, even if I have to pay through the nose for it, it is something I need to do. Perhaps it will be a road to no-where in particular but at least when I arrive there I will know the pride and achievement that I have made it to that point in my life through my own means, as independently as I can and finally free of the weight that is my failed marriage.