Truth or Spite?

[Doom Cookie]

Angry words, the things we say when we're at the height of anger., are they really just our uncensored true thoughts.... or are they the things we know to say that will be most hurtful? I don't know anymore.... I used to think that the things my family said to me were out of spite, only said to hurt me because they knew what would hurt me most. But I'm starting to wonder whether or not they mean what they say. I mean, they say it often enough.... Even when I haven't made them mad. So.... what do I think? Do I keep on believing that they're only saying it because they want me to feel bad. I don't know where I was going with this... my thoughts are all jumbled and it's hard to keep them straight and organized. Ugh. Any thoughts?

[Jated]

Yes I have a thought.  Hope that is okay.


I believe that family thinks they can say whatever they want, because they can always say, "I love you." 


The "I love you" is always there, and seems to be a means of automatic forgiveness.  Which to me is a crock of BS.  I think family mean what they say, but try to say it in a way that makes it so they have to be forgiven.  I think when a family member says to you exactly what they feel, and not worrying about your feelings is rude and uncharacteristic of what a family should be.  Sure, blood is thicker than water, but emotions and feelings shouldn't be thrown to the side, just because they are family.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family.  But, I do my best to protect my family from all of the outside BS. 


Maybe I am just rambling as well.  Just a few thoughts from the peanut gallery...

[Oniya]

If they've said it often enough, it may mean that they believe it, but it doesn't make it necessarily true.  It may have even started out as being simply the 'thing said in anger to hurt'.  I'm not sure what your 'non-angry' relationship is with your family, but if it's not too toxic, you might pick a calm moment and say something along the lines of 'You know, the other day, you said I was ______.  Do you really think that of me?'

Of course, if it is a toxic relationship, I'd personally stay as far away from that conversation as I could.

[Athos]

In my experience things said in anger usually have more to do with the person speaking than the one that the words are directed to. I believe that the things that we attack most in other people are the things we see in ourselves and don't like. So while the words may be 'honest' in that the person saying them actually feels that way at that moment, they usually aren't the truth. Or at least not the 'whole' truth.

[didoanna]

I honestly think it depends on each individual circumstance.  I mean I've been told things that have made me wanna cry and delivered with such venom that at the time I did wonder if the relationship was going to crumble into dust.

However, after crying and sitting down to replay what was said, it felt more like the 'lancing of a boil' in the sense that all the bitterness and rage had now been driven out and that both of us could sit and talk more about what we had done wrong without an insane "but you said and I then only did it because you did..." type of discussion.

Don't get me wrong, at the time it was incredibly painful and I fully admit I wasn't functioning as a mature adult so perhaps the 'lancing operation' prevented the deep care we had for each other from turning into a corrosive hate.