Making Friends?

[ShimapanThief]

Hi people, I'm not really sure how to start this, so I guess I'll just ask...

How do you all make friends?

My wife and I moved out of our old state where all of our old friends are, for work. We've been here for two and a half years, but we have still yet to make one friend in this new city. Maybe we're just doing something wrong, or maybe we're just that unfriendable.

Have you had this kind of problem?

[Beguile's Mistress]

I'm kind of shy with new people but I learned that if I wait for them to approach me first I'll often have to wait forever.  You need to get out and about in your neighborhood or with your church if you belong to one.  Go to local fairs, fund raisers, shows, high school football games and such.  Join a sports team like soft ball, recreational basketball or volley ball.  Even if only one of you plays the other can go and cheer them on.  Once people get used to seeing you about, waving, smiling and causally talking closer friendships will form.  Depending on your resources you can have a party or a backyard barbecue or something like that.  No yard?  See if there is a park where you can reserve a grove.

Just remember, joining anything puts you in contact with other people and makes you appear approachable. :-)

[ShimapanThief]

Hmmm, I grew up in a small town, where no one lived near each other, so I'm personally not too familiar with barbeques and parties, let alone hosting them. My current apartment doesn't have a yard, so it would be a park. Another thing is neither my wife nor myself are sporty people. I mean, we're decently in shape, but sports are not our thing. We're gamers and cosplayers who go to conventions, it just so happens that where we live the conventions that do happen aren't our interests. We've even joined a table top gaming club, but... everyone there doesn't have other interests in common so it's been hard to connect.

[Beguile's Mistress]

Don't know what else to suggest.  You need to put yourself out there, find new things to take an interest in, go looking for opportunities to connect with people.  It's the only way to expand your circle and find friends.

[RedRose]

It takes time and it can be hard. Sometimes local online groups help. The first time I moved, I knew no one! The second one... There was the internet and I basically made "friends" before moving  ;D

[Mintprincess]

Expand your hobbies in a way that allows you to meet people.  If you like to bowl, join a league. Usually they will match you up with others if your team isn't complete.  Take a class: dancing, cooking...

Reading your comment on the game club, is there a couple you like you could just invite to dinner and play some games with?

Anyone at your jobs that you could make that offer too? 

Most all of our friend group in real life are people who my husband worked with over the last ten plus years.

[TotesRider]

Well thanks to the fuck-o called Aspergers it's pretty damn hard for me to do so. But pretty much what everyone else is saying. Go do shit that's within your hobbies. I often go to conventions in my city... I may not make many friends but i've had some pretty fun convos with people, like teaching someone how to play MvC3 and then watch them plow through a tournament later that day.

[ShimapanThief]

Don't know what else to suggest.  You need to put yourself out there, find new things to take an interest in, go looking for opportunities to connect with people.  It's the only way to expand your circle and find friends.

I'm working on it. I'm going to try to go to new meetups.

It takes time and it can be hard. Sometimes local online groups help. The first time I moved, I knew no one! The second one... There was the internet and I basically made "friends" before moving  ;D

The internet definitely makes things easier, depending on where you're moving! I'll have to try that next time.

Expand your hobbies in a way that allows you to meet people.  If you like to bowl, join a league. Usually they will match you up with others if your team isn't complete.  Take a class: dancing, cooking...

Reading your comment on the game club, is there a couple you like you could just invite to dinner and play some games with?

Anyone at your jobs that you could make that offer too? 

Most all of our friend group in real life are people who my husband worked with over the last ten plus years.

We talked over PMs. Nice to talk to someone else who's poly! :)

Well thanks to the fuck-o called Aspergers it's pretty damn hard for me to do so. But pretty much what everyone else is saying. Go do shit that's within your hobbies. I often go to conventions in my city... I may not make many friends but i've had some pretty fun convos with people, like teaching someone how to play MvC3 and then watch them plow through a tournament later that day.

I also go to conventions. I used to go to like 6 a year, but this year it was around 3, and next year probably 2. My city has around 4 conventions, but they aren't within my fandoms, and tbh this year everyone said they wouldn't be going back (I went and had the same opinion). Making friends is really hard at cons. Haha, I might be a gamer, but I'm not one for tournaments. Too competitive for me.

[Mathim]

Almost exclusively through work or school. Even in the case of my others, usually I meet them through other friends I've made via work/school.

[ShimapanThief]

Almost exclusively through work or school. Even in the case of my others, usually I meet them through other friends I've made via work/school.

That's what I figured. Sadly I'm graduated, and the company my wife works for (and I used to work for) has no one in our locations who enjoy anime, gaming, or are anywhere close to our age. The youngest person on my old team was 54, and my wife's team is all 50+. >.< On top of that, all of my friends either live 500 miles away or across the country and refuse to come visit because "It's too far away".

[RedRose]

It was definitely easier in school...

[Mathim]

That's what I figured. Sadly I'm graduated, and the company my wife works for (and I used to work for) has no one in our locations who enjoy anime, gaming, or are anywhere close to our age. The youngest person on my old team was 54, and my wife's team is all 50+. >.< On top of that, all of my friends either live 500 miles away or across the country and refuse to come visit because "It's too far away".

Well as it happens one friend I met through a job is twice as old as me and he's still into all the same kind of things I am, which is awesome. I just don't anticipate having that kind of luck when I get that old.

[Mintprincess]

Age doesn't always matter but it can. Our group had about a 15 year range from oldest to youngest .. and we've been friends over 12, but I think external age doesn't always reflect our internal age so it just depends on the people.  I tend to get along with younger people better than older ones.

[ShimapanThief]

Well as it happens one friend I met through a job is twice as old as me and he's still into all the same kind of things I am, which is awesome. I just don't anticipate having that kind of luck when I get that old.

Age doesn't always matter but it can. Our group had about a 15 year range from oldest to youngest .. and we've been friends over 12, but I think external age doesn't always reflect our internal age so it just depends on the people.  I tend to get along with younger people better than older ones.

The issue isn't that they are old, per se, it's that none of them enjoy gaming or anime, which are our two biggest hobbies. It's generational differences regarding hobbies. I'm not saying all older people do not like anime or gaming, just the ones we've ran in to. And 50+ is more than double my age or my wife's age. In our experiences, most older gentlemen (my wife is the only female on her team) enjoy sports, which is something my wife and I never got in to. Having the luck to make friends with things in common, especially at an older age, does seem great.

I agree, younger people around our age group are the ones easiest to get along with. External age doesn't necessarily equal internal age, but when it comes to the point when your hobbies consist of something that didn't really exist 30 years ago and not everyone hopped in the train, that does limit your age group you can find with that hobby - if that makes sense.

[RedRose]

Once again I agree. I have friends teens to really older - but interests wise, some are only shared by my generation, younger, or slightly older.

[Mathim]

The issue isn't that they are old, per se, it's that none of them enjoy gaming or anime, which are our two biggest hobbies. It's generational differences regarding hobbies. I'm not saying all older people do not like anime or gaming, just the ones we've ran in to. And 50+ is more than double my age or my wife's age. In our experiences, most older gentlemen (my wife is the only female on her team) enjoy sports, which is something my wife and I never got in to. Having the luck to make friends with things in common, especially at an older age, does seem great.

I agree, younger people around our age group are the ones easiest to get along with. External age doesn't necessarily equal internal age, but when it comes to the point when your hobbies consist of something that didn't really exist 30 years ago and not everyone hopped in the train, that does limit your age group you can find with that hobby - if that makes sense.

Well old in this particular era of history, yes, because that's a big gap between their day and my day where internet and cell phones became prominent while I was in my teens. But he at least enjoys these big action movies and sci-fi and such that I also enjoy. He won't touch any console games, though, so it's a pity. I do hope when I get older I find friends who do share my interests even at my advanced age, though I don't know if things will still be as accessible as they are today in a few decades.

[AmberStarfire]

I've similarly not made close friends in the city we moved to, but I haven't tried very hard to. I'm happy with things as they are, even though most of my friends are overseas or in different cities. I'd see them a bit more often if I could/if it was easier to, but I don't feel that motivated about developing new friendships. I have made friends here but I tend to get along most easily with men and the friends (they were closer to acquaintances) who I worked and studied with had partners/wives. It would've made it awkward meeting up with them in the same way I might meet up with a female friend, so I've pretty much taken a step back from those friendships and let them slip away. They're still on my social media but that's about it.

I did join a gaming group years back but it didn't work out (I think I may have caused offense saying something to another group member after a total party kill (with the exception of one player who wasn't there that night), one or two games into a Cthlhu campaign. They had little tolerance for any comment from me (no matter how innocuous) and their place was really hard to get to/a lot of travelling, so I just accepted that they didn't want to game with me anymore and moved on from it.

We had a gaming group going here recently, but players cancelled a lot and there was only one actual game before one took a hiatus, and another dropped out, and we haven't re-established the group again yet. By comparison, our old tabletop group was going for around 10 years.

As for older/younger people, I don't know. I haven't had many older friends beyond a few years, but most tabletop gamers have seemed around my age group (I'm late 30s now). I live in a college city and most younger people seem like they live in an alternate universe that involves drinking and being social all the time in ways I tend to avoid out of preference. I guess I just prefer hanging out with who I want to and doing what I want currently. Maybe that's a sign I'm getting old or just that I'm an introvert.

I know that isn't too helpful in terms of suggestions. If you want to meet people then I agree with the suggestion/s to take the initiative. Sometimes friendships happen but usually someone has a hand in creating them (for instance, a school if everyone is thrown in there together or a gaming group, if someone forms it and others join). If you're a gamer you could create a group or join something where a number of people have something in common (NaNoWriMo's coming up in November and a lot of cities have meetups).  There are other things too.

[MasterMischief]

Do you have a local library?  Does it have any groups or clubs?  It may not have a gamer group or anime club, but you might find a group with some crossover.  Do you sew your own cosplay costumes?  If you want to make friends, you are really going to have to extend your hobbies until you bump into more people.  If you are lucky, you might be able to bring new people into your hobbies.