A day in the life

[ladia2287]

How often do people declare that they feel depressed? Most of us use the term on a semi-regular basis. Our friends give us a pat on the back and then tell us it's all okay, before going back to living their lives.

But what if it wasn't all okay?

My name is Ladia (not my real name, obviously), and I have battled chronic depression since I was 13 years old. So exactly half my life. And I've spent about a third of that fighting the supreme urge to take myself out of this life. I don't fit the stereotype of a depressed person; I smile, laugh, hang out with friends, go to work, go on dates with my partner and do stuff that a normal 26 year old woman would be doing. Only a handful of my closest friends and family are fully aware of the daily struggle I face just to live my life.

Once upon a time, I warned people of this fact upon meeting them. I was naive back then and believed that everyone I surrounded myself with would be good enough to be supportive when I needed it. I couldn't count the number of times I got hurt because of that simple, innocent belief. It didn't exactly help matters.

So I learned to withdraw into myself. I didn't cry in public if I could help it, not even at funerals. I hid my deepest, darkest thoughts and fears from everyone, even my own family. I bottled up so much pain inside me that when I finally exploded earlier this year, I swear the mushroom cloud would have covered an entire city.

It started with a very basic, but painful discussion. A friend and I had had an argument. Nothing major really, but when I approached him hesitantly about trying to make amends, things quickly spiralled out of control. Before the night was out, my partner's sister was calling me (from the other side of the country, mind you) after seeing messages on my Facebook that implied that I wanted to kill myself. And she was right. As I was driving home, I had to fight the urge to just plow my car into a tree or deliberately swerve over the edge of a bridge. She called me just seconds after I pulled into my driveway.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I alternated between wanting to work up the courage to try to reason things out with my friend, fearing that I would only be met with a tirade of verbal abuse if I did, and the increasing desire to terminate my existence. After about a month and a half of this, I got the biggest surprise of my life.

I became particularly close to a Live Action Roleplaying buddy. She took it into her head (without telling me, mind you) to track this 'friend' down and give him a taste of what I was going through, and to urge him to call me and apologise. After some painstaking Facebook-stalking, she managed to find him and sent him a message. From what I've since found out, over the course of several days of online chatting she described my mood swings in acute detail and persuaded him that I didn't deserve to be going through that, and even got him to agree that it was largely triggered by his behaviour towards me.

Within 24 hours I received a message from him. At this point I had no idea of the scheming my LARP buddy had done, and so it was a big surprise to hear from him, all the more so when I read what he actually had to say. He felt tremendously guilty, he told me, when he discovered what his actions had put me through.

My journey is far from over. Depression is now such a part of my life that I don't think it will ever go entirely. But I cling to my family and my friends for dear life. Incidentally, had I known in advance of 'the plot', I would have done all in my power to persuade her not to bother contacting my friend. But now, I'm so glad she did. Because she reminded me that whilst sometimes the pain of living can be too much for me to bear, there are enough people on this earth who want to give me something to live for.

End random rant.

[JadeArwen]

Hello there,

  My name is Jade (not really but you know what I mean). I kinda know what your going through. I have been going through depression on and off for a long time myself. Its not as much anymore since I met my hubby. We have been with each other for about 3 years now, we have now been married for one year now. If it was not for him I would probably not be here now. We would not have our daughter as well. I love him so much at times it makes me cry. My only friends any more are online. We moved to the city he was raised in. So I don't know many people. It makes me sad. Its all ways hard for me to make new friends. I almost had died several times over the years due to me trying to harm my self. But now its not something I would do. I don't think, that I would have posted this if you didn't have posted yours.

  Hopefully this may help you. It sure made me feel better to tell some one else about me too.

[Missy]

Don't feel like saying as much about me, at least not for the time being.

I'm Y. I don't mope about all the time either I don't think anyone does, we do normal things there's just some nagging thing back there and we don't handle stress well, certainly not healthily. Anyway, I've got a therapist now and I hope we'll be able to figure me out and who I really am and where I need to be going, I think my life is going to be better.

[ladia2287]

One of the reasons I started this topic is because it helps me feel better to write about what I'm thinking/feeling/going through. I would even say that it has saved my life a couple of times. I am weighing up whether or not to request a blog space on E where I can talk about some of these things and maybe even help dispell some of the myths that seemed to be associated with depression.

I've lost count of the number of people who refused to believe I was depressed, because I wasn't crying and moping about. People have also refused to believe I was suicidal because I didn't tell about how much I wanted to kill myself. I've long since given up trying to explain that these are nothing more than stereotypes. But whenever I come across a situation where Inhave the opportunity to spread awareness and encourage empathy towards those who are depressed or suffering from similar conditions, I am determined to do just that. If even one person reads what I have to say and takes it on board, it will be worth the emotional strain of writing these thoughts down.

[Missy]

You know I think it would really be a great thing if you did.

Because you're right depression isn't just people who are manic and need constant medication or careful care from a trained therapist. You don't even have to be suicidal to be depressed or taken seriously by a therapist.

Depression effects everyone differently, some people could be fine for months and then three months, six months or a year later have another deeply depressive episode involving suicidal thoughts or a death wish. One of the local help organizations has a question on their entrance survey for therapy phrased "have you ever wished you could go to sleep and not wake up", it's not "have you had thoughts of killing yourself" it's specifically phrased for a person who has had wishes they could die whether or not they've considered taking action into their own hands about it. Still many have problems which could be misinterpreted as extraordinary pessimism or cynicism in some cases, seeing the dark side of things and being brought so far down about it.

If you decided to try to blog about depression then I would support you about it.

[ladia2287]

Thanks for your vote of support. I haven't been on E long enough just yet to be eligible for a blogspot, but in about a week or so I will be, so I will definitely be applying for one :)