Never Question A Real Domme For She Might Spank You

[Nadir]

Such great joy to see that this post is still relevant because I was insulted by someone online letting me know that because I did not want to show my breasts, I was not a 'true Domme'.

Riiiight, because 'true dommes' don't have dignity or self respect. *rolls eyes*

[Marguerite]

Riiiight, because 'true dommes' don't have dignity or self respect. *rolls eyes*

I know I am a fake, a fraud!

Did I mention that I love you, Marg?

Mmm, I think you did in a dream once.

[Oniya]

Riiiight, because 'true dommes' don't have dignity or self respect. *rolls eyes*

And always follow the random orders of strangers.  What's the D stand for again?  ;)

[Torch]

While I appreciate your essay (never having read it before this morning), I am frankly, quite bothered by the following:

Five years ago, five long years ago, I had entered into the lifestyle of BDSM. Yes, I was under the age and had befriended older and experienced BDSM lifestylers.

As this essay was written more than a year ago, I can only assume you were fifteen years old at the time referenced above, correct? The fact that any adult would engage in lifestyle behavior with a minor child, who by law cannot give consent, disturbs me beyond belief. The entire code of SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) was egregiously ignored and violated by these "older and experienced" folks, who should have known better, and at the very least, set themselves up for criminal prosecution for a host of felonies ranging from child pornography to corruption of a minor.

What they should have done was say "You're interested in kink? Great! I'd love to talk to you and mentor you. Come back on your eighteenth birthday and we'll take it from there."

[Beguile's Mistress]

A therapist friend of mine who sometimes cousels couples in D/s relationships says that the best Doms don't let you know you're being Dommed.  They don't make it obvious.

[Marguerite]

Yes, you are correct Torch in that the SSC was heavily ignored but I was not one to wait it out and I did put myself at great risk for anything to happen. I found out a few years later the male who I mentioned was arrested for sexual crimes. I could have been one of his victims but my curiosity and arrogance might have saved and given me a risk. Above all, this was my experience, I was a foolish female to do such a thing at a such a young age but I wrote this to make a point that my experience is my own. I do not condone underage individuals to participate in the lifestyle and like you, I let them know to wait until he or she is eighteen. I appreciate your words Torch especially for wanting to clear things up.

A therapist friend of mine who sometimes cousels couples in D/s relationships says that the best Doms don't let you know you're being Dommed.  They don't make it obvious.

-Nods-

Some think being dominated takes a whip and a ball gag to do the job. I agree it is subtle and can get by without a lot of people realizing it.

[Cherri Tart]

ok, what the hell does showing your breasts have to do with being a Domme?  idiot... *glowers blackly at foolish person*

[Torch]

Yes, you are correct Torch in that the SSC was heavily ignored but I was not one to wait it out and I did put myself at great risk for anything to happen. I found out a few years later the male who I mentioned was arrested for sexual crimes. I could have been one of his victims but my curiosity and arrogance might have saved and given me a risk. Above all, this was my experience, I was a foolish female to do such a thing at a such a young age but I wrote this to make a point that my experience is my own. I do not condone underage individuals to participate in the lifestyle and like you, I let them know to wait until he or she is eighteen. I appreciate your words Torch especially for wanting to clear things up.

I understand completely. Teenagers are curious and intrigued and want to experiment. There's nothing wrong with that at all; it is what makes them teenagers. But it is the responsibility of the adults around them to guide them appropriately.

Responsible Lifestyle-aware individuals will always make it a point never to scene or play with anyone under the age of eighteen. For their own safety and for the minor's as well.

[Marguerite]

-Nods-

That I can agree on and I make it a point to find out the true age of someone. No one wants to end up in court or prison for such a mistake.

ok, what the hell does showing your breasts have to do with being a Domme?  idiot... *glowers blackly at foolish person*

I had no idea showing one's breasts showed the true marking of a Domme. Guess I better get out the digital camera.

[Nico]

Some think being dominated takes a whip and a ball gag to do the job. I agree it is subtle and can get by without a lot of people realizing it.

I couldn't agree more. I seriously am quite tired of people who just assume that it's all about sex.

[Rider of Wind]

  It's funny, I've just been so immersed in E-life that it always startles me to come across someone in RL that's completely ignorant of the true life of D/s. That have no clue of the breadth and entirety of it. I'm naturally sensual in the things I speak of, sex is a common thing to me.

  I only restrain my speech and habits to keep other people comfortable, one little hint that I know what domming even -is- and I start getting lifted eyebrows. Stupid repressed U.S.

 

[Nico]

I think this is a general problem, Rider. People who are living a certain lifestlye such as BDSM, are quickly confronted with a whole lot of prejudices. It's still like a stigmata.

[Cherri Tart]

there is a LOT of ignorance on the subject.  i could go on about that at length (and might later, but now i am short on time).  to most people, outside at least, it IS all about sex - kinky sex with bondage and spankings, and the sub is viewed in a 'victim-esque' way and as weak while the Domme is some bitch with a stick up her ass who is sadistic and likes to beat people - it's sad, but i believe that 90% of Americans have some form of that veiwpoint.  my own experiences, btw, have been mixed - i have been involved in some very questionalbe D/s relationships - that said, i have found MOST Dom/mes to be warm, loving, generous, patient, intelligent people and most GOOD D/s relationships being about SO much more then the sex - speaking as a sub, i find a lot of comfort in having a Dom/me around, even if (s)he's not mine... a saftey, a warmth, and have had some lovely times just having someone take an interest in me as a person, not as some sort of potential plaything... THAT said i should add, that there are times when being viewed as a potential play thing an amazing and wonderful feeling that makes me feel loved and cherished beyond belief. 

hope that made some sense...

[Rider of Wind]

   Exactly. No person is one-dimensional, neither is a dom/me or any kind of relationship.

[Torch]

there is a LOT of ignorance on the subject.  i could go on about that at length (and might later, but now i am short on time).  to most people, outside at least, it IS all about sex - kinky sex with bondage and spankings, and the sub is viewed in a 'victim-esque' way and as weak while the Domme is some bitch with a stick up her ass who is sadistic and likes to beat people - it's sad, but i believe that 90% of Americans have some form of that veiwpoint.

Which is why, from a legal standpoint, anyone who involves a minor in the Llifestyle is simply asking for trouble, no matter how mature and self-aware that minor may be. Your average judge is going to be no more clued in to BDSM than your average American. And it's important to remember that in many jurisdictions, even consensual assault is illegal, and the average cop won't make the distinction between a BDSM scene between two consenting adults and a case of domestic violence.

One of the most important tools for anyone to have is not a flogger or a set of nipple clamps. It's the name and phone number of a Lifestyle-friendly attorney.

[Marguerite]

I couldn't agree more. I seriously am quite tired of people who just assume that it's all about sex.

Wait. It is not? Then maybe those individuals who say it is about 'sex and jizz' are all wrong.

-Shakes head-

There is a stigma of revealing you are a lifestyle individual. I know I have only revealed such items to close friends and family. It is all about how you go about revealing it and when it is appropriate. Not really a good idea to invite your relatives over to watch a paddle session but instead gift them a book on BDSM lifestyle.

[Nico]

There is a stigma of revealing you are a lifestyle individual. I know I have only revealed such items to close friends and family. It is all about how you go about revealing it and when it is appropriate. Not really a good idea to invite your relatives over to watch a paddle session but instead gift them a book on BDSM lifestyle.

I am quite careful to who I reveal my lifestyle choice as well. And yes, I do agree. it is all about how you approach the subject if you reveal it. It takes a whole lot of sensitivity and maturity.

[Marguerite]

I am quite careful to who I reveal my lifestyle choice as well. And yes, I do agree. it is all about how you approach the subject if you reveal it. It takes a whole lot of sensitivity and maturity.

Only my best friend, younger sister and I am finally starting to tell my roommates the whole spiel. It takes time but I rather give them time to take it all in than surprising them with a half-naked submissive on a St. Andrew's cross.

-Looks up-

I just realized this blog entry is a year old on April 7th and I am glad people still like to comment on it.

[HairyHeretic]

Such great joy to see that this post is still relevant because I was insulted by someone online letting me know that because I did not want to show my breasts, I was not a 'true Domme'.

I think they lost me on that sharp right turn at the end there. I can't actually figure that piece of logic.

[Arhys]

A therapist friend of mine who sometimes cousels couples in D/s relationships says that the best Doms don't let you know you're being Dommed.  They don't make it obvious.

Some think being dominated takes a whip and a ball gag to do the job. I agree it is subtle and can get by without a lot of people realizing it.

Absolutely, although it is delicious for a sub to have a dawning awareness of this and to realize buttons were primed and pushed in *just* the right way.  It makes me feel known and appreciated. 

I don't like the labels of "true" this or that, but anyone thinking they could take you and make you the opposite of what you are doesn't show any understanding of D/s and aren't worth your time in getting fussed about it.

[Blitzy]

I just read this blog for the first time and I just had to put in my two cents.

Before I joined E, I had very limited interest in being more 'dominant'. It doesn't even have to do with the Lifestyle, but just more dominant in my ideas and wants within a sexual relationship. Since joining E, I have definitely had my eyes opened to the Lifestyle even more. I don't see myself involved in it personally but I notice that I have more knowledge now than I did before.

I've never thought a Domme had to wear leather, crack a whip, and smoke a cigarette to prove herself. I don't think that a Dom has to be a bastard with a smirk and without a care.

I have found that the Lifestyle isn't for me really, my own interests vary too much between top and bottom, but I can appreciate a Dom(me) who is really in it for the full experience, the true meaning behind it, and not just play acting with a whip.

I hope you never let anyone bring you down, Miss Marguerite. Your strength both for yourself and for others is inspiration. :)

[Captain Maltese]

Such great joy to see that this post is still relevant because I was insulted by someone online letting me know that because I did not want to show my breasts, I was not a 'true Domme'.

I would not be surprised to hear someone equally argue that because a woman did not want to show hear breasts, she was not a 'true sub'. It's difficult to say if either statement is filled more with ignorance or more with vicarious argumentation. Personally I prefer to call it all Bullshit.

[Marguerite]

A lot of individuals assume there is a code to fall into either category. A bit sad and people still think of one area and not much else.

[HairyHeretic]

A code, eh? Do we get a special handshake and secret decoder ring too? :)

[Marguerite]

A code, eh? Do we get a special handshake and secret decoder ring too? :)

No, the Dom's get a whip and leather pants while the submissives get clamps and a gag ball. Though if you upgrade you can get a decoder ring that can be pressed into the skin of another.