BDSM: Doms and Dommes

[crystaltears]

Because it's a matter close to my heart and one that just keeps cropping up in odd places (blogs, IMs, emails) and because a couple lovely people have asked when I'll write my next wall of text.

Warning... this one might be exceptionally long... >.>


On Dom/mes and their Awesomeness!!!

Something I recently said to a Dom in an IM with said person on the subject of why I would treat them different than any 'vanilla' internet person if we met in real life:

     "Well, it's a respect thing..
     A Dom takes a lot of responsibility to take on a Sub, to even take on the role.
     There's so much trust and emotion, feeling, fragility, sensitivity...
     A person who is a Dom or Domme deserves the respect of any sub or slave if only because they will take on that responsibility.
     The slave puts in a lot of trust by giving up control, but... It goes both ways."

I am an absolute sucker for dominant personalities. If you give off the aura of authority a Dom or Domme typically does, no matter how quiet or how loud, I've probably looked at your Ons/Offs, read some of your stories, greatly enjoyed your Non-RP threads, and even paid attention to off-topic comments in the SB, the HB, and other such places. I could go on, but I'm sure I've made my point.

Basically, there's a lot to being a Dom/me I feel so many subs/slaves take for granted. There's responsibilities I know I hadn't originally thought of when I first got caught up in my fantasies about being tied and tormented (*Smirks and snickers*). Safety, first and foremost, and along with it health. A Dom/me is given such influence and control over a sub/slave. They have so much power and trust (at least on the deep end of the submissive spectrum that I see the world from). Who would stop a Dom/me from pushing a sub/slave too far if not the Dom/me themselves?

I know there have been times that I've been taken beyond my limits in ways that actually scared me, and the Dom responsible is now in my past for that reason. A good Dom/me knows their sub/slave well and will know their boundaries (and when to push them). An easy way to tell if a Dom/me is not going to take the time to do that for me is when they don't listen from the start.

Gosh, the two Doms who have driven me off in the past.. One expected me to dive headlong into the unknown, leave my family for good without explanation, not hold a job and rely on him completely. At the time I was young, completely and utterly new to the scene, and still living at home. I broke it off the gentlest way I could and said I just couldn't do it and he was none-too-pleased. Some Doms do just expect that kind of blind trust, but for someone like me... It takes a lot longer than a courtship of a month's time to establish (we'd been talking a month when he asked). The other... discarded my comfort. Just plain told me I was comfortable with something in public I had not been and refused to believe I hadn't been. There had been other things from him too, pushing a little harder than I would have liked, but that I could take, that I could accept... Completely disregarding when I came to him in earnest and told him that something had made me very uncomfortable... That I couldn't deal with.

Having had the above experiences I am so appreciative of the patient Dom/mes out there, who don't mind a little time getting to know someone. A sub's only gift to their Dom or Domme is themselves, once given everything else is forfeit. But what a gift to accept. There is a reason I'm not a Domme. While I can play the role in writing or in a story, I am much more a submissive in life. About the most Domme-like scenario I'm ever in is the occasional school-related position of leadership or the aggravatingly frequent occasions when I step up to lead a group toward an idea because everyone else is being indecisive and I'm tired of it. *Chuckles*

Thank God there's people out there to compliment my submissive sides. It is so wonderful to have somewhere to turn when my masochistic tendencies have me burning to be punished, harshly, roughly, unforgivingly. The pain is exalting and the care afterward (because this tends to be the type of Dom I end up with - the sort to bring a girl to tears and then cuddle and soothe and pet the angry wounds left on her skin) and the fact that the person I've trusted to take me to those painful highs of life has exerted great caution and control and kept me from going where I shouldn't and reveled in my torments, my whimpers, my pleas and my tears without being so caught up in them they went too far... It is so rewarding... So wonderful. The kind of peaceful bliss that alludes a person for so long...

The fact that there are people willing to take me to such places and trustworthy enough not to breach the faith I've put in them.... Just wow, and thank you, and my God how lucky for me (and the other subs and slaves who are privileged enough to enjoy a functioning, healthy BDSM relationship online or off).

What remarkable, wonderful, inspiring people. *Smiles and waves to some of the lovelies she's met on E so far*

What I often notice as Subtle differences:

The first thing that I tend to notice in a difference between a Dom and a Domme is their hands. Odd? Perhaps... but men usually (this is definitely not -always- the case) have rougher, stronger hands. And women usually have longer nails (*smirks and shudders*). Still, the physical is a horrible place to start.

Both genders are equally capable of bending someone, leading someone, enticing a person along a path they would not take with another 'normal' person. Character, charisma, passion, strength... Mmmm... The things we so love about a Dom/me... But.. that's for later, Gah. Anyways...

Not to stereotype, please believe me when I say I know that each person is different from the next, each Dom and Domme as well. In my experience, men are more... (*Cough* I'm so gonna hear about this *Cough*) predictable... For me. Where women have this.. beautiful fickle nature. The same fickle nature that makes it so damn hard to be in a relationship with one sometimes. One moment contented, the next not. Then again, perhaps that's just my experience because of individual partners... But with men... I almost always know what they want from me, and that bleeds into Doms as well. Women (and Dommes) tend to keep me guessing a little more.

The approach is different too.. And I really can't lay my finger on the specifics on that count. But I will say.. I rather enjoy the physical differences. I'm a bisexual woman. I enjoy both men and women. No offense to men, but women just have better bodies. I'm sorry, how can you possibly hope to compare to a lady's bosom? And then, I so enjoy men for other reasons.. *Smirks* PG-13 on public boards so we'll just leave it there, hmm?

*Cough* Anyways.. I think that wraps up most of the differences I've been able to enjoy. Mind you, sadly the closest interaction I've had with a Domme in real life wasn't with a true Domme but a switch and alpha sub to a Dom I was courting for a time.

The things that I adore about Doms and Dommes alike:

Character, charisma, passion, strength... Mmmm... The things we so love about a Dom/me... I know there are others who agree with me on that. Strength is not always physical... Afterall, chains and ropes are perfectly capable of holding someone down, and a whip's bite is harder based on the momentum, not the umph. *Fond smiles*

Character. I know few Doms or Dommes who lack in character. Both in the sense of strong personalities and in the sense of that.. almost unspoken 'code' that seems to be in the air of most BDSM communities. Respect is key, politeness, observance, obedience... All great, but respect, not only for an individual but for their property. Most Dom/mes will not want to compete with others for a sub/slave's affections, but in an atmosphere like this... Well, there's much interaction on intimate levels with many individuals, and still... Partially because of E's very cautionary environment regarding claims laid on individuals and partially that unspoken ethic... I've never met a Dom/me so childish to breach the code of respect towards theirs of their stature and even respect towards subs/slaves. Then again, I'm very careful of the people I get intimately tangled up with on varying levels. I do know they are out there, but thankfully in a quality BDSM environment they tend to be in shorter supply than those who are respectful and mindful of others.

Charisma... That alluring characteristic that draws the eye as a Dom or Domme enters the room. The way they present themselves, the way they carry themselves, the confidence they (typically) exude. So appealing, so yummy, so damn tasty to a sub like me... And by how they present themselves do I mean leather gear and crops, whips, etc? No - it's their manner that ensnares me. *Almost purrs* A dominant persona knows what they want, they ask, through leading, for a sub to follow. They ask for trust, they ask for obedience.. And they expect it. I can't even fathom how careful a Dom/me has to be about getting involved with someone new. It is easy to be submissive. You just have the choice to follow or not, and the only real factor in it is trust.

Passion. *Stirs a little* Oh passion. The passion of a Dom/me is their lifestyle (sometimes more things, all people have differing interests). Why else go through the rigors of it? Why accept the responsibilities. A Dom/me in their moment is themselves in their purest, trusted and given reign over another's life, accepting that responsibility. Some say it must be so easy to love pushing others around, but that's not where it stops... It's about leading people, making them part of something, helping them find their limits, find themselves, and enjoying it all the while. It's almost an art in my eyes.

Strength. Now here's an odd one. It isn't physical. It isn't even necessarily in their mind (though that's a lovely compliment to where I'm going). It's rooted in a person's character. So many people in life have trouble finding enough strength to even carry themselves though their ordeals... Much less to carry another with them. Strength is dependency, the dependency you can place on a Dom/me you trust knowing they will be there and they will protect you from serious (lots of depth in that last word, varies based on every person, obviously) harm...

*Snuggles all the Dom/mes she knows and loves* You're so yummy.

The single most important thing I think some people forget about dominant personas:

This one's kind of easy, and mind-boggling to me that people forget it, but I see it all the time. It's evident in the expectations (I could say a lot about that last word, but I'll hold a moment) subs/slaves have of Dom/mes when approaching them about.. well most anything. I'm guilty of this in the past and try to be ever-mindful of it now, but it's just.. fact that it's hard to keep in perspective at times... This simple thing that boggles me that people (myself included) don't remember to keep in scope is that:

Dom/mes are human too.

They are just as capable of being hurt as any sub or vanilla person ever is. They have feelings, wants, desires. Sure, they're Dom/mes. A lot of people just think of it as they get what they want. After all, they lead all these lovely submissives and slaves to their bidding and their wills and yeah.. It's true... but some wants go deeper than that. Some things run further. And some very strong people can still be very easily hurt.

Being a friendly shoulder for most anyone who wants one I hear a lot of things. I won't go into specifics because it violates trust, but... A Dom is as easy to injure as any man. While their persona, their strength, charisma, character, and passion are so, so admirable... They're still people and words can still bother them. The saying 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.' is a crock of horse sh- *pauses* manure. Words can do so much, and actions... And I've had so many Dom/mes in the past tell me about fakes (that might be a blog entry someday) that have led them, yes led them.. Brought their hopes up, played a role... and been being unreal. What a let-down. *Frowns* All I could ever do to comfort them was assure them there are real submissives with genuine interest and intent in this rather large world of ours and wish them luck in finding one someday, but... How can someone so lose sight of a person and let the concept overrule it?

A Dom/me is a marvelous creature, one which has captured my heart for so many reasons, but... They are as human as the rest of us even if to a sub they seem so far above the rest of the world (I for one almost always think of Dom/mes above the norm *Blush*) and it bothers me that there are people out there who play with them.




I think... if I go much longer on this it will end up a rather long-winded rant and most of my thoughts and points on the matter are already proven. For this reason I will draw my conclusion now.

Subs - Do not lay all the responsibility on the Dom/mes in life, you must look out for yourselves if you really want to find a healthy BDSM relationship.

Dom/mes - Thank you very much for being such wonderful people. Don't let others hurt you, hm? Probably something you don't need to hear as much as the subs in the world, but still something you should be told.



Much love to anyone who read that whole thing. Hope you enjoyed it all. If people seem to like this one enough I might write up my perspective on the flip side of things, Subs and Slaves.

[crystaltears]

Lots of feedback on this one already even though no one's posted to the thread itself. As a result, I will likely write up the flip side, Subs and Slaves in my next blog... Which I have no idea when I will write. ^^

Thanks for all the feedback, guys. <3

[Dawg]

Wow, considering our conversation last night and what you read of mine, I will state that you have it pretty well nailed here Crystaltears.

Very good read and so nice and confirming to hear the same thoughts from the other side of the ropes.

I highley reccomend to anyone reading this now that you came to this blog because the title caught your eye and you were interested enough to look in, now don't waste the opportunity. If you don't have time to read this all the way through right now, then leave and make the time to come back, very worth the time.

Great blog entry, my compliments.

[Cherri Tart]

*hugs Crystal* this is amazing and i think i'm going to end up printing it out and hanging onto it - thanks for sharing.  :)  as a sub with masochistic tendencies as well, it really speaks for me in so many ways.  looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts.  thank you again. *bookmarks blog*

[Farelaldar]

What a very thoughtful blog entry.  i would love to show this to O/others not of this (Elliquiy) community for i believe another BDSM community i belong to would find it of great value for their own lessons and discussions.  i'm not presumming that i can though and i will await the decision as to my membership before i even beg to the possibility of showing this honest insight elsewhere.

{Also i'm hoping that i am allowed to post here since i'm still unapproved, but it appears to be letting me... if not my apologies are extended.}

[crystaltears]

Greetings, Farelaldar. The blogs section is indeed open to the public meaning that non-members can post in response to the blogs and that the content of the blogs must be kept PG-13. You're not breaking any rules by responding here. ^^

Also, I'm glad you enjoyed this entry. I'm not sure which community you would like to take it to, but I would not mind you doing so. I write my blogs here because this community has made me feel so welcome that I trust myself to open here more than I would elsewhere even though outsiders can still read them. That said, I write them knowing that outsiders can still read them. *Winks* Good luck on your approval, Dear. Always nice to see the community growing.



*Hugs Cherri and Dawg* Thank you both. I'm glad you both enjoyed it. Cherri, feel free to print it or whatever. I'm sure you know by now I wouldn't mind. ^^

*Hugs the people who've contacted me outside of this thread*

Most widely-liked one yet it seems, and I find myself so antsy writing about the flip-side. I suppose it's more difficult for me to.. How did I phrase it to Iressi? I think I said, "I find it more difficult to step back and analyze myself and others of my preferred lifestyle while remaining both personal and objective." If not, that's pretty close. =p It will come though, I just don't know how long it will take. ^^

[Oniya]

I believe I'm going to print this out later tonight (when the compy with the printer isn't engaged in LoTRO), and leave it in strategic places.

[Kayla Evras]

Talk about hitting the nail on the head... *laughs softly* Well, I won't write a long winded reply here, partly because I'm tired and partly because I just did in the sub thread. Well, somewhat long - winded. Both of the blogs are simply amazing. Thank you so much for putting it down in writing.

[Saerrael]

I am guilty of re-reading this a vew times now.
Thank you for this entry, crystaltears.