Of Memories and Sanctuaries

[crystaltears]

There are images in my mind.. Of water lapping at the sand and driftwood caught on the currents. Small waves, and calm ones.. To soothe, to comfort. And of imagined footprints on the beach.

Of flowers swaying in a breeze amidst a field of overgrown grass, a trail behind me to mark my passage through the tall shoots and stems. Of birds shooting up from the overgrowth and startling my horse. And of him biting my elbow one frisky spring day.. And galloping across the field in the evenings when the sunlight made his coat seem to catch fire... And of him leaning his head on me when he'd hurt his shoulder, and the way he seemed to beg for comfort and love...

Of gentle kisses on my face from the nose and tongue of a sweet little dog... And paws outstretched and spinning in the air as her friend danced for a treat... And warm bodies by my feet... And nips and growls from pushing too far in play. And running with them, or after them, or ahead of them.. That little pair...

There are memories of worry-filled days spent in the company of someone I remembered as strong from my younger days who had become so weak with illness.. And the constant hiss-click of his oxygen tank in the living room.. And the gnarled hand I held with its papery skin. And the joy in his tired eyes every time I came to keep him company...

And of getting lectured in a classroom supply room for a shirt that was a tiny bit too short for school rules, and being made to wear the sweater of my teacher or go home and change, and of talking to her later about poetry... And bringing chocolate on culture day because we were studying a time period in which it was sent to France as a gift from Spain... And red ink on all of my poetry.. And my journal being filled with red, circled let's publish this's... And being told by a student who hadn't liked her about her passing on.. And how much it hurt because that student sounded so callus about a woman who so strongly impacted my life...

And of half-written lullabies and half-dreamed dreams for the niece or nephew I would never get to know.. Who didn't even make it to this world...

And of Florida and the sunshine.. And freshly picked oranges sent home with us from Grandpa. And of my classmates loving them so much, and me getting to tell them about picking them from Grandpa's tree. And of the car ride to Maine for his funeral...

And of Tennessee.. And staying in to babysit so my aunt could go out for once.. And taking her place caring for Pepaw and Memaw in Louisiana so she could visit her kids.. And of lectures, and her smoking, and the damned flyswatter she used to give spankings.. And the smiles and tears we shared...

And pecans... Pecans littering the ground out back around the old wooden swing in the shade of the tree.. And the garden there, and the barn.. Where my sisters and I would play.. And of the smell of that house that I'll never forget.. And the stern expression of Pepaw's face.. And Memaw's gentle spankings.. And how sweet she was.. And the homemade jams and jellies and pies and candies.. And the warmth that greeted us whenever we went there.. And leaves piled so high they were almost as tall as me...

And in some ways it makes me sad.. To think of all the things I took for granted... But in another, it's really nice to know that all these memories persist and will continue to.. That while they may no longer be getting out of bed in the morning and turning down the sheets or running through the fields toward the pasture gate in this world of ours.. They always will be in my heart.

Memories and Sanctuaries.. Honorifics for those who pass. I think it's the fault of the first of that list above that I associate the sea with calm and quiet. Her life was one spent in poor health, but brilliant spirit.. Someplace by the Sea where there was room for everyone to come and be... That's where she always used to say she would be waiting...

[Captain Maltese]

You are the sanctuary, for the memory of the people gone that we others never got to know at all. Thanks.

[crystaltears]

You are the sanctuary, for the memory of the people gone that we others never got to know at all. Thanks.

That's true too, but the memories are a sanctuary for me as well. Offering me comfort, strength, and familiarity.

I wonder what kind of memories I will leave with others someday. Kind of a sobering line of thought though.

[Captain Maltese]

That is interesting. I had similar thoughts as well only earlier today, after reading a few of the memorials.

[crystaltears]

As much as I'm grateful for the memories I was talking about in the first post.. There are some I would readily shed if I could

Today has been a mess emotionally.. Upswings and Downswings and sharp turns and spirals.. I hate that I can go from being so happy... to so miserable in just a handful of moments. And today, it's all hung up in a memory.

Have you ever cheapened yourself? That's what I feel like I've done. Not anytime recently either. It ties into my enjoyment of humiliation as an aspect of BDSM play, but everyone has boundaries. Captain Maltese talked about it in his blog, that humiliation must be exercised with great caution.

This memory, these memories... Of this particular Dom.. Looking back on them is like coming out of a fog, because at the time I was convinced everything was as it should be, but looking back... It wasn't. Not at all. I gave someone the power to humiliate me by caring about their opinion, and we sank into it in scenes.. Deeply. And I enjoyed it at the moment, during the scenes, but there was so much emphasis on that aspect of our relationship.. So much focus.. It bled out of our play sessions and into my daily involvement with him, each day growing a little stronger in its influence, until that was all I became. I lost my sense of my self. I didn't even know it at the time, but looking back, things were so dark I couldn't tell what I was missing.

I was a toy and a tool, but not a person at all, and worse.. He didn't even value me, he just used me. Did he enjoy it? Of course. But the words and the feelings he used... They hurt me more deeply than any to come before and any that have come since.... And I invited them. And I let them in a way.

Growth does not come easily, and I surely don't enjoy it, but this is a part of that, isn't it? To look back and realize that things have changed and that you're growing? I would never stay in a situation like the one I was in again. I would never give someone so much so quickly... And I'm learning, bit by bit, that I don't need anyone's approval to be who I am... I just have to be who I am and let go of the people that don't like it.

And people wonder why I have so much difficulty giving up control. It's because there's so much to lose in life.. So much to lose in who we are.

[Captain Maltese]

I understand why submitting is hard for you after that. We all have bad experiences in our past, and that thing could not happen now. Growing is what you have done. I am proud of you.

[Autumn52]

Little One I applaud your personal growth. Like the Captain I am proud of you and that you are who you are. Memories are strange things, some bring joy and others sadness. I have found recently that memories can be scars that can remind us of where we have been and what we have left behind. Scars don't always have to be a bad thing. I have a few, as it sounds like you do, that make me glad that I have survived and I have become the woman I am today.

Thank you sweetie for sharing yourself with me. I feel privileged and honored that you have shared your experiences and how you have coped. By understanding what has happened to you I feel it helps me become a better person, because I can avoid the same things. Thank you so much.

*Hugs Tight and Pets*

[Athos]

I would like to add my thanks as well for sharing your experiences. Some of these were obviously moments of exceptional beauty and wonder and others bitter and hurtful. I smile at for you at the good memories and ache for you at the bad, but its obvious they have all be instrumental in making you a tender, sensitive and creative human being.

[crystaltears]

I understand why submitting is hard for you after that. We all have bad experiences in our past, and that thing could not happen now. Growing is what you have done. I am proud of you.

*Smiles warmly and hugs.* Thank you, Captain. Your pride in me is uplifting and appreciated, your support valued dearly.

Little One I applaud your personal growth. Like the Captain I am proud of you and that you are who you are. Memories are strange things, some bring joy and others sadness. I have found recently that memories can be scars that can remind us of where we have been and what we have left behind. Scars don't always have to be a bad thing. I have a few, as it sounds like you do, that make me glad that I have survived and I have become the woman I am today.

Thank you sweetie for sharing yourself with me. I feel privileged and honored that you have shared your experiences and how you have coped. By understanding what has happened to you I feel it helps me become a better person, because I can avoid the same things. Thank you so much.

*Hugs Tight and Pets*

And thank you, Miss. *Snuggles you close.* You're a ray of light for me much in the way you say I can be for others. Guiding, warm, and comforting. I'm glad to think anything I share might be of use to someone so wonderful. :-)

I would like to add my thanks as well for sharing your experiences. Some of these were obviously moments of exceptional beauty and wonder and others bitter and hurtful. I smile at for you at the good memories and ache for you at the bad, but its obvious they have all be instrumental in making you a tender, sensitive and creative human being.

*Blushes* Thank you, Athos. :-)

As for the sharing, I find it's therapeutic in a way, and helps me mull over my internal motivations.

Thank you all for reading. ^^

[crystaltears]

A voice brushes my ear from the computer speakers. Different from my own in depth and accent. Comforting words reaching across miles to touch my heart and bring me a smile or two... The words linger, the shared moments, the precious time. So many people who I've not met in life, and even they leave marks on my soul... Marks I'm grateful for. Marks I'll cherish.

Sometimes they come in writing... Text on forum pages or IM boxes... Smilies and words in asterisks and confided feelings and dreams... Real, thought-provoking, genuine conversations. Bits of someone else offered to me so that I can reciprocate support and appreciation. Friendship.

There may be a thousand miles between us, or simply two or three, but my friends I carry with me, grateful for each memory we can share. For each interaction through written text or spoken word. Blessings, each of them.

So thank you, if you happen by, for any words we have shared and for any words we may share in the future. :-)