Is Elliquy Cheating?

[TheLionKing]

May I suggest something? Especially for those struggling with the idea of cheating.

Let's not be so absolute on the terms. As Remiel said, this area is rather grey and relationships should be considered a grey area as well. Us, painting relations in black and white, are the wrong ones here. We create identities and struggle hard to stick to them, for reasons of (in)security mostly, or need, or fear or anything you could possible name.

Instead of having such a question spinning inside your head making you feel guilty, I would suggest changing your perspective. RP is a means to be someone else, isn't it? Maybe explore an idea, a fantasy even, to come into terms with a part of you that you cannot possibly grasp with no one, name them friend/parent/partner. Engaging into it with someone else makes it even more 'tangible' comparing to reading a book about it. So in my eyes, it becomes something like.. therapy. I personally consider RP a means of healing.

Now, if your partner considers it to be cheating.. well, there is probably more there and you are definitely not to blame for your needs to escape in any possible way.

Beautifully put

[Strega]

And something simpler, as an analogy:

If you RP killing someone, does it make you a killer?

[AmberStarfire]

I remember comparing adult RP to killing characters before, but some of my views have changed. Sexuality tends to be emotional, mental and almost spiritual, and not just physical. Adult roleplaying can be highly sexual from a mental and at times emotional stance, even though it isn't physical and it's written IC. Therefore I think it can tread on ground that's considered sacred, private or otherwise limited to a romantic relationship. I think it depends on the couple and how they feel about it, and what's acceptable in their relationship for that reason.

[Tilt]

May I suggest something? Especially for those struggling with the idea of cheating.

Let's not be so absolute on the terms. As Remiel said, this area is rather grey and relationships should be considered a grey area as well. Us, painting relations in black and white, are the wrong ones here. We create identities and struggle hard to stick to them, for reasons of (in)security mostly, or need, or fear or anything you could possible name.

Instead of having such a question spinning inside your head making you feel guilty, I would suggest changing your perspective. RP is a means to be someone else, isn't it? Maybe explore an idea, a fantasy even, to come into terms with a part of you that you cannot possibly grasp with no one, name them friend/parent/partner. Engaging into it with someone else makes it even more 'tangible' comparing to reading a book about it. So in my eyes, it becomes something like.. therapy. I personally consider RP a means of healing.

Now, if your partner considers it to be cheating.. well, there is probably more there and you are definitely not to blame for your needs to escape in any possible way.

Let me preface this by saying I don't think roleplaying is cheating, personally. I don't come on here to get off, I come here because I enjoy writing and sex is a part of what I like to write. Additionally, I find that writing with someone is easier than writing on my own. My romantic partners know this, I've spoken to them about it, and have even discussed the RPs I'm currently in (And as someone who is poly, I generally find that talking with partners is the best way to handle these situations in general).

So my perspective is not, 'Roleplaying is cheating, no matter if you're on here to play out sexual fantasies or just to have fun writing casually' and more, 'you should listen to and respect your partner's perspective because they're the one who you are in a relationship with and ultimately it's their opinions that should matter to you, not mine.' All I am saying is that if you are in a relationship, you should talk to your romantic partner. Don't immediately dismiss their perspective, don't assume they'd be okay with it, just act like a mature adult who is in a relationship and communicate. You're supposed to be in a caring, committed relationship with this person, for goodness sake. How can you maintain a healthy relationship if you can't even settle what counts as cheating without resorting to name-calling and insults?

Lastly, that point could be put in reverse, which is likely where a partner's anxiety would come from. YOU are on here to heal, and *I* am on here to write, but not all of our partners might be here for the same reason.

I can't count the number of people I've met over the years who treat roleplay sites as a discount dating app. Even when I start an RP by expressly telling them, 'Hey, I am not here to romance anyone. This is platonic writing and maybe a friendship. Nothing more,' eventually someone will start treating me as a potential sex partner. I've had to drop whole RPs before, ones I've enjoyed, because the other person suddenly starts asking about dating.

I can see how that would make someone anxious. Sure, you might have the best of intentions, but do your partners? Where is the line in the sand?

That's where I really think it's up to us to let them know where the line is. It's up to us to be sincere and open about what roleplaying means and let them know they can trust us.

((Also, quick note at the end: This should go without saying, but I am discussing this within the confines of a healthy relationship. If your partner doesn't want you to roleplay because they don't want you to be in contact with people of the sex that you're attracted to, that's abusive and wrong. I am not excusing people who are manipulative and controlling and want to cut you off from your friends or community.))

[Nico]

And something simpler, as an analogy:

If you RP killing someone, does it make you a killer?

So true, that. For me at least. It's like.. if a character of mine kills someone, they do not kill someone for real. And if they have sex with someone, it doesn't mean that I, the writer, has sex with someone. Everyone probably has a different view on it all, but that's what it is like for me. Writing is wonderful, I love doing it, I love writing erotica but for me, it does not mean that I do those things to another person (or even want to do them with someone), only to fictional beings in a fictional setting.

Some of my best experiences was me writing an erotic scene with someone and OOC we chatted about the crappy weather back then, Christmas preparations and holiday plans. That's the separation I am looking for. Yes, of course, we agreed on how hot that scene was, but that was that. It all didn't influence our OOC talks or made us more than writing partners and online friends (and OMG I miss that particular person).

But in the end, this is such an individual thing. Each relationship is different, people have different rules, expectations and outlooks on their relationship. How it all works and how people approach that thing is probably different with each one you ask.

That's where I really think it's up to us to let them know where the line is. It's up to us to be sincere and open about what roleplaying means and let them know they can trust us.

Exactly. All about boundaries and comfort zones and those have to be communicated clearly and unmistakably. :-)

[Strega]

I remember comparing adult RP to killing characters before, but some of my views have changed. Sexuality tends to be emotional, mental and almost spiritual, and not just physical. Adult roleplaying can be highly sexual from a mental and at times emotional stance, even though it isn't physical and it's written IC. Therefore I think it can tread on ground that's considered sacred, private or otherwise limited to a romantic relationship. I think it depends on the couple and how they feel about it, and what's acceptable in their relationship for that reason.

I see your point, I agree. I have talked hastily.

RP can be used for covering emotional needs. You might be married for years but might feel the need to feel desired again. I see no harm in putting a little bit of your own soul inside a character. It is like crying; you just let the emotion run out freely.

'Cheating' is a dangerous label.

Let RP be your haven, your very own healing pool. RP is very personal after all, why should it antagonize the love you have for your partner? I understand the need for some people to share everything with their spouses/partners. But, for me at least, RP is considered as a diary. Would you let your diary exposed to anyone? No no no  XD

[AmberStarfire]

Strega: I might need to agree to disagree with you on it. :) I'm not saying I view adult RP without a partner's consent as cheating, but I do view it as potentially disloyal. I don't think healing by RP is really healing if it would compromise or harm a relationship if someone's partner was in the know.

[Strega]

Strega: I might need to agree to disagree with you on it. :) I'm not saying I view adult RP without a partner's consent as cheating, but I do view it as potentially disloyal. I don't think healing by RP is really healing if it would compromise or harm a relationship if someone's partner was in the know.

Allow me to agree and disagree as well. It depends. I personally know my boundaries, but a partner is not 'me'. What if they asked you to stop RPing?

[Zaphod]

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

[AmberStarfire]

Allow me to agree and disagree as well. It depends. I personally know my boundaries, but a partner is not 'me'. What if they asked you to stop RPing?

I know that won't happen because my partners are both on Elliquiy. I wouldn't like it, but I'd stop roleplaying. I wouldn't leave my online partner regardless of what was on the line. I guess we each have our limits of how far we would go.

[meikle]

Wow, this response is just downright disrespectful.

people like to establish the boundaries they want in a relationship vs being truthful about the expectations they have for their partner

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

but this is right and how it actually works.  "no, honey, that wasn't technically cheating according to the rules i've established for myself" is not going to end the fight.

[Tolvo]

There are quite a few people who don't even like when their partner's regularly have meals one on one with people they could be attracted to. Depending on the person RP'ing with someone in any sexual context might come off as more severe due to the sexual aspect, similar to the previous example of a play with nudity and physical contact. Various different cultures see things differently too. Someone from France may see kissing as very friendly, someone from America might lose their shit seeing a partner be kissed by someone from a culture where kissing is not seen as strictly intimate.

[Remiel]

Allow me to agree and disagree as well. It depends. I personally know my boundaries, but a partner is not 'me'. What if they asked you to stop RPing?

The short answer to this is that it is something you probably need to sit down and talk through with your partner.

I used to know a former Elliquiy member who referred to E as "that weird sex website."  She was being facetious, but nevertheless, I think there is basic question that we need to ask ourselves: "would my partner be upset or angry if he or she knew about this?"  If the answer is yes, I don't know that I would go so far as to call it cheating, but there is definitely a potential issue there.

[Tolvo]

Honestly even just RP sites in general there are a lot of people who see them that way. While E is more erotic focused ones that aren't people will often assume are very sexual since that's kind of the pop culture view on RP. I usually don't even tell people I RP because it is frowned upon so heavily even in gaming circles unless you're playing a tabletop. If i ever mention I RP'ed on an MMO(Mainly Star Wars Galaxies) people don't assume people in rare outfits having dialogue about the mentality of the Empire, they assume Goldshire Inn Druids in bear form going at it.

[Blythe]

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

I've seen too many instances of one partner labeling every genuinely reasonable hobby of their SO as cheating to control them to be comfortable with any answer that is 'Your opinion doesn't matter, only the other person's.' This is a recipe to get stuck with an unhealthy controlling relationship, in my opinion.

I'm not saying the the other person's opinion doesn't matter. I'm just saying it's not the only one that matters.

[Oniya]

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

And this is where communication comes in.  I'm sure that (to use TheLionKing's example), Tabitha King and Gerda Koontz were perfectly aware that their husbands were writing stories together.  Heck, it's very possible that the two men talked to their spouses about parts of their writing.  (I seem to recall that Tabitha King has been thanked in some of her husband's dedications).

If your SO thinks that writing adult RP is cheating, talk to them.  If your communication with your spouse is at a point where you can't talk to them, you might want to talk to a counselor.

[Tilt]

This entire conversation reminds me of a similar moral question: Is porn cheating?

Which, to me, is a solid no. I think the sudden jolt towards hard conservatism, with sites like Tumblr or Facebook banning sexual content, is ultimately harmful to healthy sexuality. While I disapprove of the porn industry, which is a different subject entirely, I also think it's unhealthy to restrict a person's sexual outlet to just one person. There are people who truly believe that when get romantically involved with someone, even having thoughts of other people is cheating.

That is incredibly unhealthy, in my opinion. It forces a huge burden on a partner to always be physically or emotionally available and drives a sense of entitlement.

Which is an important conversation to have with a partner. Because if I am dating someone, I hope I'd be able to agree on this very basic point. If there's a fundamental difference in how we view faithfulness, that needs to be something we talk about. I can't just decide they're wrong and do something I know would upset them just because my perspective is different.

And again, I feel the need to state: This implies that other lines a significant other draws are within reason. If they are being controlling and abusive, get out.

[SweetSerenade]

So, I am both Poly and Open. Essentially, my marriage is open to sex outside of it and relationships outside of it. This is not for everyone, and doesn't always work for everyone. We talk about when we are interested in someone else and if any of the partners say 'no I'm not ok with that' it's a no. I have my husband, and I have my boyfriend.

One of the first things people learn about me is that I rp, I will not give up my rping for anyone (with maybe the exception if it became a requirement for me to keep my child and in that instance that is the only way I'd give it up). My roleplaying is a creative and emotional outlet for me. It is legitimately one of my few hobbies, and I have only a few others that only happen a few times a year (going to conventions and cosplaying). I don't play videogames often, I am not interested in going out to sporting stuff, I am happy with my writing.

I let people know I am not someone that will be controlled. I like watching porn sometimes, hell I was a model for awhile, and I like adult rp. Just because I write something sexual with someone doesn't mean I'm going to leave my partner for this other person. Hell, most of the time I rp with my partners as well - it's a bonding experience.

If anyone, partner or otherwise, tried to manipulate me and separate me from one of the few hobbies I have I would flat out say to them (and have said!) "Why are you so scared of me writing these things? You enjoy your porn and gaming, let me enjoy my writing. Just because I'm writing something sexual doesn't mean I want to be sexual with the person I'm writing with. Don't ask me to give up something I love unless you're willing to do the same."

Mind you relationships are about compromise, but if one party is expected to make a compromise on something that's important to them while the other party does not - that is a huge red flag. If you expect someone to give something up, that they love - that is not causing true harm, but you yourself are not willing to make any sacrifices, that's toxic and manipulative. 

Kissing is not sexual to me, cuddling with someone is not sexual to me. The nature of sexual is tied into the situation itself and the people involved. If my partner can't talk to me about their insecurities and why my writing bothers them (mind you I still will not give it up, but I will try to help them with those insecurities) than the issue is much deeper than me writing a cute girl getting banged.

This is how I see it, and how I make myself known. From the start, I make it clear I am a writer, and I like writing in adult situations. If someone is interested in me - they accept that as part of the package or they don't get to be with me, simple as that.

[Blythe]

I wonder if my stance and experience differs from some folks because of how I tend to approach relationships. Roleplaying (non-erotic or erotic) has been part of my life for years. In RL, I tend to get involved with other people who like at least non-erotic RPing like Dungeons & Dragons. So my romantic partners tend not to bat an eye when I tell them (just as an example) I've been writing on a site where I can at last write out the smutty results of that natural 20 roll I got for my bard to seduce a dragon.

Meaning that I think this sort of dialogue is easier when the other person already has a grasp on RPing & what it is in some shape or form. I think that the less familiar a person is with roleplaying, the more likely they may be to see it as cheating. (<-Just me musing, I could be 100% dead wrong there)

And it also explains my own hardline stance of "Someone who thinks this is cheating is someone I cannot be compatible with." A lot of my stance comes from being very open and up front and honest that I'm a RPer who likes adult content. Just as being open and talking early on gives me a chance to decide if someone viewing it as cheating isn't right for me since I don't like that stance and am not interested in changing my hobbies, and they get a chance to be like "whoa no, that is a deal breaker for me, too" if they don't approve of my hobbies.

[Nico]

I wonder if my stance and experience differs from some folks because of how I tend to approach relationships.

I think that is the point. Everyone approaches relationships in their own, individual way and thus, there's no universal answer to the cheating thing. Even what is cheating and what is not, is as individual as relationships are. :-)

[Tilt]

And it also explains my own hardline stance of "Someone who thinks this is cheating is someone I cannot be compatible with." A lot of my stance comes from being very open and up front and honest that I'm a RPer who likes adult content. Just as being open and talking early on gives me a chance to decide if someone viewing it as cheating isn't right for me since I don't like that stance and am not interested in changing my hobbies, and they get a chance to be like "whoa no, that is a deal breaker for me, too" if they don't approve of my hobbies.

It is 100% alright if you feel that someone disagreeing with you on this point may not be someone you want to continue having a relationship with. Most likely, it speaks to a deeper difference in how you approach relationships and a fundamental difference in how you view sex. If you cannot see eye to eye, it might be time to move on.

Some disagreements will break a relationship and that's alright.

[Mirrah]

I've had writing partners decide to stop writing stories because they felt that they were getting too attached--sometimes that happens, even if it wasn't the original intent. Even if it was with the best and most innocent of intentions, sometimes people can't stop how they feel, or how their thinking changes. Maybe it was just them, or maybe it was a sense that they may cross a certain set boundary and want more. I can't blame them. I sympathize and empathize with them, but say goodbye to the story. Goodness knows, I can't say I've never become attached to a writing buddy before. Certainly, it's different for everyone though.

I don't mind making friends on E, but I get uncomfortable when I think someone is looking for more intimacy than that. I think intentions make up a lot of what goes into that spiral called Cheating. Is Elliquiy, on its own, cheating? No. Is being on Elliquiy and writing here, smutty or not, cheating? Not necessarily. What you, the writer, do while on E (or through E) with other Members though, can become considered cheating.

I think everyone knows in their heart once they start feeling like they're cheating. I'm pretty sure those who have Significant Others know when theirs might consider something to be cheating as well. In any relationship, there is an establishment and agreement of boundaries--especially those that shouldn't be crossed, if the relationship is to remain stable.

[Nico]

I don't mind making friends on E, but I get uncomfortable when I think someone is looking for more intimacy than that.

I hear you! It would make me uncomfortable as well. As much as I love and adore all my writing partners and friends on here, they are friends and it won't ever be more than that from my end. It's not different to my RL friends, all things considered.

[WindFish]

I wouldn't call it cheating. There's a huge difference between writing erotica with someone than actually doing those things with someone.

I wouldn't want to write with anyone who considered it cheating either. That crosses a line for me, personally.

[MrThorne]

I would say that is a question you and your partner need to decide for yourselves. Speaking for my wife and I, we've both done erotic roleplaying since before we met, and writing has long been an outlet for us to express our sexuality in a creative manner. We're both bisexual, and this format gives us a chance to explore that part of our nature without compromising our real world relationship. In that context I'd say that erotic roleplay has actually improved our relationship.

That being said, I consider it cheating if you're not honest with your partner. I always make it very clear to my partners that I am a happily married man, and I tell my wife about the roleplays I'm involved with. In the past we've even shared partners :)

That being said, if my wife told me that doing this made her uncomfortable, or thought I was becoming too intimate with one of my partners, I would stop. Communication is key to a good relationship, and that means always being honest with them.