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Hello everyone, it's been awhile. As some of you may know, I often blog through poetry. I have a lot of reasons for doing this, but mostly poetry allows me to get to the heart of what I'm trying to express which is something that I find challenging in any other medium. Now before I get to the point, I'm going to provide a little background. Last February my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. What that means, is that she has the worst stage of the second worst cancer a person can have. Prior to her diagnoses, I had been in nursing school. I didn't leave school just to take care of her, honestly there were a lot of reasons I left. Reasons that I still haven't fully come to terms with. Since then, however, I have had the honor and privilege of taking care of her. Of taking her to her appointments, of sitting with her through chemotherapy, of managing her medications and the plethora of other things that a caretaker does. As hard as it has been, I wouldn't trade these la...

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Quiet Moments
- by Athos, May 28, 2017, 09:47:10 PM
It’s the quiet moments that are truly dangerous.
When the white noise of life dies away,
That is when the doubts come calling.
Needling, nagging, burrowing.
They force themselves,
Ever deeper,
Into the places where I once found solace and peace.
A sudden gasp wakes me in the middle of the night,
Waking me from my sleep.
A vision of unimaginable loss,
The premonition of a nameless doom.
Even in the sweet moments,
The beautiful moments,
The doubts remain.
Always there.
Always needling,
Always nagging,
Always burrowing,
Ever deeper,
Into the places where I once found solace and peace,
A Love Letter to the Demon in my Head
- by Athos, May 28, 2017, 09:41:40 PM
I love the way you look at me.
Beautiful eyes,
Stripping my soul bare.
I hate the way you look at me,
Because I know that one day
You will no longer look at me.
On that day, I know, my soul will be torn to pieces.
It is inevitable,
And yet tomorrow when I see you,
I will strip another part of my soul away,
Just to get you to look at me.
It is inevitable,
I will do it so that in the years to come,
Long after you have gone from my life,
When all I can feel are broken pieces of soul,
I will remember the way you looked at me.
And I will smile.
The Rock
- by Athos, May 26, 2017, 09:54:51 PM
The rock never changes.
It remains, unmoving,
Entirely resolute in its existence.
On most days it stands in front of me.
Holding me back, keeping me
From all the good things.
But on some days,
I stand on top of it.
Those are the days when I can see everything.
Those are the days when everything changes.
- by Athos, August 05, 2016, 10:44:09 PM

“Hi there!” “Hey.”
“Do you want to be friends?” “Okay.”
“Great, but before we get started
I just have a few things to say.”

“Now I’m just telling you the truth,
So promise you won’t get mad,
But you’re ugly and fat,
And people say you smell bad.”

“Now please don’t get upset,
I’m just repeating what I’ve heard,
You know that girl you like?
Well she thinks you’re a pathetic nerd.”

“I saw you working out,
I don’t really know why you try,
Everybody already hates you,
Honestly, would I lie?”

“I doesn’t matter that you’re funny,
Or that you’re a good cook,
Because nothing will ever matter,
More than how you look.”

“I’m not trying to be rude,
I’m just saying this for your own good,
You’re lucky that I’m your friend,
Because nobody else would.”

“I know that you’re honest,
And kind for kindness’ sake,

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Letting The Devil In
- by Athos, June 27, 2016, 11:36:42 PM
Letting the Devil In

This isn’t the end of my story,
And it isn’t the start.
There’s a devil on my shoulder,
Whispering to my heart.

Life is a beautiful illusion,
A shadow on the wall.
I reach out for it grasping at straws,
The harder I fight the faster I fall.

I dig down deep,
Finding only empty space,
A sense of isolation,
Filling this lonely place.

In my mind I hear soft music play,
My heart keeps the beat,
Sad sad notes,
And a funereal bleat.

What is this prison,
I’ve created in my brain?
What have I done,
To acquire this stain?

Is this my fault?
Am I reaping what I sow?
Is this my punishment,
For wanting to go?

Maybe this is how life is,
Here living in sin.
I’m so tired of fighting,
Maybe it’s time I let the devil in.
A Dream Dreamt of You
- by Athos, April 18, 2016, 05:00:16 PM
A Dream Dreamt of You

Like a hurricane
That breaks against the rocks,
That’s how I want to make love to you.
Your voice, breathless,
Begging me for more,
That’s how I want to hear your voice.
That indescribable place,
Between pleasure and pain,
That’s where I want to go with you.
Those things that nobody knows,
That’s what I want to know,
About you.
Your hopes, your fears,
All of it.
The pieces of your broken spirit,
Made whole through my touch,
That’s what I want to accomplish.
Even if it’s only for a little while.
A second,
An instant,
The span of an eye blink,
It is still a good dream to have,
A dream dreamt of you.
Should've Left It Alone
- by Athos, March 12, 2016, 01:34:10 AM
Should’ve Left It Alone

I should’ve left it alone,
I shouldn’t have gone there.
How can it still hurt this bad?
After all these years, how is that fair?

I should’ve left it alone,
I shouldn’t have done that.
But how could I know, that
Seeing your picture would knock me flat?

I should’ve left it alone,
I shouldn’t have dug up that poem.
I shouldn’t dream about your eyes,
But that color blue still feels like home.

Of course you’ve moved on,
How could you not?
It’s been five fucking years,
I don’t know what I thought!

I’m glad you’re happy,
I never wished you any ill.
I’m just fucking pissed,
That my heart pines for you still.

I should’ve left it alone,
I need to let you go.
When will that happen?
Hell if I know.

I still think about you,
I still mention your name.
It’s beyond fucked up, I know,
But I ...

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- by Athos, February 06, 2016, 10:30:21 PM
I lie awake in my room,
Staring at the ceiling.
Minutes seem like hours,
Hours like days and I'm still here.
Tears come and they go,
Fears ebb and they flow.
I can see you
When I first open my eyes.
It hurts each time,
When I realize it isn't real.
But I can't stop.
I don't want to.
Seeing you,
Is worth the pain that comes after.
Five Simple Lines
- by Athos, January 05, 2016, 12:28:37 AM
Five Simple Lines

   I have often pondered, considered and even agonized over finding the perfect set of words. That one, magical, grouping of vowels, consonants and syllables that somehow encompass the whole of who I am, what I’ve done, where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. And tonight, in the most unexpected of places, in the most unexpected of ways and at the most unexpected of times, it seems that I have found them. Five simple lines that show you me, in my entirety:

“…but most importantly,
I have loved,
Been loved,
Am loved,
And love.”
In The Pale Lamplight
- by Athos, November 17, 2015, 11:20:32 PM
In The Pale Lamplight

In the pale lamplight, I gaze into the depths of madness.
Alone, I wander without purpose.
I can see the others. I reach out to touch them,
Longing for connection, but they are like shadows
Dancing on the edges of my perception.
Ethereal. Vaporous.
Forms without substance.

In the pale lamplight, I remember a time when I touched life.
I held it close and caressed it lovingly.
I miss how I felt then: Forceful, Invincible.
A dark voice whispers in my mind.
Always there. Always whispering.
It draws me away from all the good things.

In the pale lamplight, I stare blankly at the empty page.
I am surrounded by a hundred-thousand ideas.
They sparkle like fireflies in the darkness.
The will to create: Both beautiful and fleeting. Both intoxicating and fickle.
It manifests and then fades to nothing in the span of an eye blink.
I am left at the mercy...

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On Those Days
- by Athos, July 10, 2014, 07:17:57 PM
On those days
When I feel utterly defeated.
When confusion and uncertainty overwhelm me,
Threatening to tear down all that I have built inside myself.

On those days,
When I feel trapped and alone.
When my mind races against fear
But no matter how fast I run it catches me.

On those days,
When I desperately pour out
My heart on the written page,
Trying, in vain, to make sense of all the voices in my head.

On those days,
I find a quiet place and I dig down deep,
Deeper than seems possible,
Right to the very bottom of my heart.

There, even when it seems I have none left within me,
I find love.
I hold it close, cradling it against me as hard as I can.
I listen to it’s soft music and gentle words.

I see the faces of all those who I’ve loved
Both those who are gone and those who I love still.
Then, slowly, the noise fades and the world brightens.

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