Written: Friday, Jan. 20th


So, here we are, Pismo Beach and all the clams we can eat- I mean, Friday night.  I think half the dorm is out either partying, getting ready to go party, or on some sort of an alcohol run.  Me?  I'm busy contemplating a stack of menus in front of me.  For some unknown reason, My Crazy University (MCU) has decided that not only shall cafeterias close earlier on Friday, that they shouldn't have to open until ten in the morning on Saturday.

I've been running around campus like a hamster in a plastic ball, running things to people, and generally getting the behind-the-scenes stuff done for an event that's going off tonight.  I would have liked to be at said event, but with the air deciding to aggravate my already irritated throat, I'm bowing out of the event so I can get a chance to relax and get my stupid throat to stop hurting.  But right now the want of food is outweighing the want of my throat to shut up.

Let m...

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Fort Minor - Slip out the back (High Quality Version)

Hey guys, today I’ve decided that today I want to share some of my thoughts and experiences concerning something that we’ve all had to face in one way or another: Fear.

Saying what I’m about to say is going to be very difficult for me and some of you might think it makes me a coward, or that I’m just trying to get attention or be deliberately dramatic.  If you do, so be it. While you’re all free to read and comment, I’m writing this for me because I feel I need to at this point in time.

There hasn’t been a time in my life that I can think of when I haven’t been afraid in one way or another. Sometimes I feel like I’ve always been afraid.

Mostly I’m afraid of what I would deem to be “the regular things:” that people wouldn’t like me, that I won’t amount to anything, that I would lose my loved ones, that I would always be alone. As I g...

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contained herein....

I always find it difficult starting. I thought I would give a brief introduction and explain what you might find sequestered within these pages.

The title "Dealing with Trauma: first hand experience with Love, Loss and Rebirth" succinctly explains the predominant themes of this blog and I must give credit where credit is due and thank Rolo for his perfect title suggestion.

I plan on using this space to explore and reflect upon my experiences, thoughts, feelings and insights surrounding the motorbike accident I was involved i...

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Morning approaches,
Signalling another day of solitude.
I close my eyes,
begging sleep to take me away,
If only for a little while.
Tomorrow, I know, will be just like today.
Just like yesterday.
A slow, numb monotony,
punctuated briefly by overwhelming grief.
My eyes grow heavy and as I drift,
A thought crosses my mind.
A fleeting consideration,
That brings with it equal parts hope and fear.
Maybe tonight will be the night,
When I slip away,
Forever.
Finally taken to a place,
Where the colours of joy,
Take the place of eternal grey.

To anyone who knows what it means,
To live second to second,
To count life by heartbeats.

To anyone whose ever been on the edge,
Looking down into the swirling darkness,
Not knowing if you’ll ever find your way back.

We may have never met.
We might never meet.
But I know you.

I’ve been there before.
Lost and lonely,
Where it’s too dark to see.

But I can honestly say,
It’s worth continuing to fight
With everything you’ve got.

Things get better,
It’s only a matter of time.

The pain will fade,
You’ll feel the sun on your face again
Laughter and love will return.

And you’ll be glad that you’re there to feel them.
I know I always am.

Let me tell you about my faith. Faith isn’t simply something you learn as a child, sitting in the front pew with your Mom and Dad. It isn’t solely the province of God or religion. In fact, neither of them even has to be a factor. Faith is about you. Faith is about believing in something and making the choice to give it everything you have. Faith is about looking at the thing that scares you most and refusing to look away. Faith is about bending almost to the point of breaking, and then being willing to bend a little more. Faith is knowing full well that the world can hurt you, defeat you, beat you down and abuse you, but it can never break you. To me, faith is the coalescence of the indomitable human spirit. It is the singular truth that at the end of the day no matter what mistakes we’ve made or who we’ve hurt, we can always choose to make things better.

When I Think of You

The romantic in me wants to remember
All the good times we had,
All the laughter and all the fun,
The gentle quiet moments spent in each other’s arms.

But that’s not what I remember.
I remember the inexplicable tears,
I remember that you never believed in me.
I remember begging just to get you to look at me.

I remember being scared all the time.
I remember feeling so alone.
You may have loved me,
But you never supported me.

You never stood behind me.
When things got tough, you always wanted to run.
Pack up and leave.
Fuck everyone.

You couldn’t understand that I can’t do that.
My life meant something to me,
My family, my friends,
They’re not objects, they’re people.
You can’t just go to the store and buy new ones.

I wanted to make a life for us.
I wanted to have a family and be happy.
I wanted you to be...

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I can almost remember,
On the edges of perception,
What it was like to love
And be loved in return.
I can almost feel
The soft warmth of it:
Love’s innocent confidence.
When did I become so cold, so hard?
When did I stop seeing the beauty in things?
When did I stop dreaming those impossible dreams?
I miss being gentle.
I miss being soft and happy.
I miss being vulnerable.
I miss being able to trust myself.
I don’t want to be this way forever.
I want to be that way again.

Okay, I’ve got to weigh in here for a moment. Now I understand that tensions are on the rise with all the Occupy movements that have sprung up over the last few months and in that time many of our police services have come under fire and from what I’ve seen rightfully so in some cases. Now before I get to the point, I want to say that I generally agree with what the Occupiers are doing. It’s obvious that the system cannot continue the way it has been and I respect anyone who has the guts to stand up for something they believe in.  But lately all I’ve been hearing is how the police are nothing more than the “enforcers for the 1%.” (My understanding is that the “one percent” refers to the wealthy and powerful while the “ninety-nine perfect” are the rest of us ground under their heels.)

Well I have a problem with that.

In times like these it’s so easy to tar the whole lot of them as bullies in uniform, and I’ll admit that some of them are. But you also have to rea...

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To me, it was like a road.
Set so high above the world,
 That all one could see were clouds
 If they were to look down.

 In the distance there was the peak of a mountain
 Made of black rock
Jutting out from the sea of wisp,
My destination.

It seemed to call to me
In my heart,
Subtly seducing me with the unknowable.

Tentatively, I took a step forward.
Then another and another
Until I was running with all my strength toward it.

I did not pause to remark
That there was no wind in my face as I ran,
Something I feel now
That I should have realized.

I was too caught in the moment
To even consider the strangeness of it all.

Like a child looking up at a beloved parent,
 I just accepted without thinking what I was seeing.

I ran for what seemed like hours.
Or were they minutes, seconds even?
When I finally stopped...

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“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
-- Anais Nin, US (French-born) author & diarist (1903 - 1977)

I am not a submissive.

I used to think I was.  I used to think I needed to be a submissive, but what I really need is to submit to one man "who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me..."

Shepherd says it this way, and it makes sense to me:

"There is a difference between needing to serve somebody and finding someone you wish to serve."
-Sir Lostpup Grey Shepherd

The thing that I love and seek in a power exchange dynamic is the ...

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