It never ceases to amuse me when someone tells me that they have always thought I was a Dominant person. I giggle when I hear someone say that they are surprised to find that I have a Master and that I identify as a submissive. I have long sat down to figure out exactly why people seem to view me has more dominant then submissive until they get to know me, and I have come up with several reasons, all revolving around perceptions.
Let us first focus on stereotypes of the Dominant and submissive people. The stereotype for a Dominant, that I have seen, is someone who is confidant, outgoing, overbearing, and possibly rough personality. Someone who is loud and opinionated, and perhaps a touch brash.
The stereotype for a submissive is quiet, shy, withdrawn, timid, and fearful. People tend to think that submissives are the types to lay down and take what is given to them by just anyone, needing protecting and defending, someone to shelter and treat as if they are made of glass.
I am not saying that there are not many D's out there that are like the stereotype, nor am I saying that there are not many s's out there like their stereotype, however it is possible to have a confidant, opinionated submissive. Just as it is possible to have a quiet withdrawn D.
So what makes a submissive confident and opinionated, when she feels the need to be dominated and controlled? Protected and cared for? Many different reasons, there are those who are in control so rigidly in their every day lives that they actually /need/ someone there who can let them let go of that control. Then there are those that are like me, yes I am vocal and opinionated. But I still am shy, most still know very little about me outside of my lifestyle choices. I still am timid, but it does not come across as such. Why? Because of my Master.
My husband in real life gives me strength and confident that no matte what I get myself into, he will always be there to pick me up and put me back on track. He gives me the boundaries I /need/ to feel safe and comfortable. Online, he has given me over to Steve. Steve does the same for me online, he gives me the boundaries I need to not feel completely lost and adrift. He gives me the sense of being protected and watched over so I have the confidence to just put myself out there. I have yet to have to call on him for that protection simply because his mere presence and the knowledge that I can has given me the confidence to stand up for myself.
That is what a D/s lifestyle does for the s. It gives her this protection, it should not squash her independance or her sense of self, but it should give her the comfort level to be herself, to let herself. (yes I am using feminine gender articles because it is easier for me, I am in no way saying that male submissives do not need the same thing.).
As to Dominants that are more shy and withdrawn, not out there, in your face opinionated. Dominants do not have to be overbearing to provide the sense of security for submissives. Dominants do not always have to be right, do not always have to beat their head into a wall to prove they are right. Many are quiet, reserved, and just feed off the knowledge that they are nurturing and caring for their submissive. The fact that someone cares and trusts them so much to put control of their lives in their hands is not reserved to the loud D's.